I can't really say anything negative about this poem at all. It's obvious what you are trying to do in this case, and you have done it perfectly. I really felt the effect of paranoia coming from this narrator as the poem continued.
I also liked how you played devil's advocate, to some extent, with lines like "But nothing is something." as the narrator seems to be believing that there's nothing truly there, and yet the narrator suddenly manages to convince itself that there really is something again.
Finally, I think it's really interesting how you have juxtaposed the concepts of 'something' and 'nothing' all around this piece, even in the description of the poem itself.
Just to give you a quick rundown of what I understood about the plot, so please correct me if I'm wrong. A boy, and a girl, are sitting under a tree in the middle of a park; the girl is upset that the boy is leaving to some unknown place, and finally they kiss and then the scene disappears into blackness. That's what I gathered from the plot. The plot itself is perfectly fine for a very short piece, I would expand onto who the characters were, and where this boy is leaving to, if you ever wanted to expand this piece.
The aspect that you seem to place lots of weight on top of is your description of the scene and your use of language to try and create a specific scene. It's shaky in this story, but it seems to get stronger as the story goes on; I particularly like the method of having the entire world fade out of the scene leaving the boy, and the girl, before leaving just the boy when they kiss. It provides a crisp and clear end to the story by literally having the world disappear. If I wanted to expand it I would do it in the middle of the story through some more dialogue perhaps.
The part where I thought the description was a bit shaky was in the very beginning because you seem to use overly simplified language, as well as stating the blindingly obvious at times, an example being "green park" where I just found myself thinking "Well duh." In the same area you repeated the same descriptive word to describe the same thing in quick succession which seemed a little lazy to me, change one of the "beautiful"s. Another example is where you mentioned the smell of charcoal in the park, I did think it was supposed to mean barbeque, but I needed to think about it so try making things like that clearer by maybe adding something about meat or cooking.
Also I wanted to ask about why you spaced out each piece of dialogue and paragraph so much? Is it just to try and make it seem longer or something? If so then don't bother, people aren't going to be put off if it looks shorter.
Since it's a very short story it's really hard to fault anything plot wise. Overall though it's a nice little extract which is very heart-warming to read, especially with the ending when the reader finds out that it's just the manager and nothing to worry about. The back-story about her mother also accomplishes the same purpose.
What was wrong with the story was some farfetched occurrences within the plot. First of all, it seems highly unlikely that an opera singer would just pick a random girl in the audience and assume that it's her daughter. And no I don't care that they look alike because that just wouldn't happen. The other part was the manager pick locking the door and breaking into the house, a manager just plain wouldn't do that full stop. I understand that it seems scarier if the manager does that, but I think it could be done better by having him try and open the door of the car, or he could just try and see if the door of the house is unlocked.
The other area that you were weaker on is your grammar. There are quite a few areas where you miss out commas or just plain don't put them in at all; in fact I don't think you used a single comma so I suggest you use them in future as it can be awkward to read. Some of your words could have changed too as there are stronger alternatives such as "I could remember it perfectly" can be "I can remember it perfectly" since it's in the first person. On a side note its Carmen not Carman.
The story itself is fine, minus a few flaws, but because it's so short I really can't flaw much of it which is why I gave it a high rating. You create feeling which is an indication of a good story, which in my opinion is the main part of a story. You just need to work on your grammar and word choices on occasions. I suggest you search for some of the helpful articles on this website; they have articles based around comma usage as well as other punctuation.
Planes which allows the reader to really see through the eyes of a child. I also liked how the child stays in character on first meeting Mr. Hurston and Mr. Hurston does the same. It makes Mr. Hurston seem very endearing on first appearances and it helps create the mother as an almost villainous character when she bans Marshall from seeing him later on. The story as a whole also does not lead the reader into an opinion or a conclusion about what this story really is. The final line where Marshall wears the silver chain splits the reader's opinions by presenting the option of whether it's a tragedy or whether it's a happy and heart-warming story.
All of my criticisms are minor at best and they are the sole reason which stops this piece from getting the really high ratings. Most of them are very technical and I will present them in chronological order. Also is the speech invented or recalled?
First of all when Marshall does his whiny little "It's hoooooot" I think it's best to just have him say hot and instead change "MOM" to "MOOOOOOOOM" as that seems more likely to happen than "hoooooot".
Another thing you could change is your indentations. I don't understand why you indent so far into the page on every single line when writing a short story. Even in poetry it's something that is rarely used so I can't see its purpose here.
"Bored out of my mind" just seems a little common and overly used like the classic "It was a dark and stormy night". I think you would benefit from thinking of something else here. Be creative.
"beading"? I'm unsure whether that is even a word but I think "sweat forming on her forehead in tiny beads" sounds better as it gives a little more detail.
When you mention of sweaty hair it immediately made me think that hair can't sweat. And since you have already used sweat to describe the mother I think it would be best to tell the reader what her hair looks like such as "tugging on her chaotic mess of hair".
After this you need to eliminate the second comma on ", but ," as it's not needed.
Rather than "I shut up" you could use "I shut myself up" since it just sounds better.
How can a porch creak? What kind of porch are we speaking of?
When Mr. Hurston first appears you should change the first reference to man to figure. This is because you mention that he is a "portly old-man" in the same sentence and two references just sounds like you are running out of ideas.
Change "probably" to "probably only about" since he is obviously very short and it sounds like more of a guess, which it should be because a child can't guess someone's height so surely.
"This is final" change to "That's final" or "And that's final".
"I lead him" change to "I led him".
"His head pointed down slightly" you should change to "His head pointed down slightly, in respect" since there should be a reason given as to why he is doing this or there is no point in even mentioning it. I know it's likely that Marshall didn't know why but since the adult Marshall is telling the story I think he would know why now.
"But he wants to see you" needs to have a comma before the “but” and no new sentence. A tip for the future; never start a sentence with "But" if you can help it.
Remove the comma from ", and fresh tears would crop up" as it's unneeded since you use the word "and".
And finally change "a enormous" to "an enormous".
Overall the story itself is perfect and you can't do any better with that but it's just the way you express it and you miss things out on occasion that could better express the story to the reader. The punctuation is a minor point as you only make the odd mistake so it doesn't really change your writing quality too much. This had no influence over the rating but if you ever want to expand the story you could also try including some of Mr. Hurston's stories that he told to Marshall or little facts that he told Marshall about.
I have decided to be very picky with this piece rather than to just give a general overview of the piece. First of all what you did well, the introduction of the piece included such powerful language as undesirables which almost feels painful to read as it really hits home about how cruel children can be with such words. I also liked the fact that you decided to give us some information about the narrator, and at an appropriate time, so it didn't break the flow of the story. Moreover, when you suddenly break into long, flowing descriptions of these fantasy worlds during Terry's story it makes it stand out from the main story and gives us a window into her reality, her world. It does make her seem like an outcast in addition to this though because her style of writing sticks out like a sore thumb.
As I said I have been very picky on this piece and you shouldn't be disheartened about the scale of the things I have picked out as some are just suggestions and most are very minor. Also I pick things out in chronological order to make it easier to read along with them.
First of all you mention self-appointed. I think you should change this because they are not self-appointed really as the class tends to appoint the so called popular group so they are rarely challenged.
Posted? Change to scrawled or scribbled as posting something on a chalkboard is not something that is usually said.
Throughout your piece there is no need for italics as usually it signifies a change from a 3rd person view to a 1st person point of view. Since your story is all 1st person then there is no need to have them.
Change "but she knew better" to "but in her heart she knew better", let's really delve into her feelings. Also you can mention her stumbling by including something such as "causing her to stumble her way into the room"
Another area for change can come as part of when she stumbles over. Make the description roll off the tongue with something like "pens rolled and pencils flew and they went skittering in all directions across the floor; to the delight of the class who roared with laughter". Also I'm unsure about a schoolroom having a tile floor? Seems rather outlandish to me but then again I'm from the UK.
With the teacher's speech it sounds unnatural when she questions her consistent lateness. Change it to something like "This is starting to become a habit now." it's well-spoken and gives an air of authority about the teacher.
Add in a word and change "full force" to "out in full force" and also you can change the ritual to "Held on to this ritual steadfastly."
On the subject of the exclamation marks I feel you can remove them as most of the time like the italics they are unnecessary when the narrator is speaking as we already know that it's the narrator is speaking because it's in the 1st person.
Another aspect of the teacher's speech can be changed to "Wasting the classes time and mine." as it doesn't sound natural as it is.
You also add in apostrophes in many areas such as with "F's" and "It's antiquated grandeur" as well as "It's spiralling path" These are not needed and should be removed as they indicate possession, in the case of "F's", and It is when it's part of "It's antiquated grandeur." Nothing special here they are just not needed. They either mean it is or they signify possession.
Change the fact she pulled out the paper entitled "A weekend getaway" to her paper as I assume they are all entitled the same as it was a homework task.
Also what is a Victorian? You do not specify. I assume you mean house but I think you accidently missed it out.
Change "Long since passed" to "Long since passed away" or "Long since dead" so the writing flows.
Also you could add "endless" to make "hours of endless adventure" make it seem like an enticing fantasy world that can be a home forever to her.
Change "threaten" to "threatened".
Also how does Dana know what has happened exactly at the fire when she is on the same bus as everyone else? You have to make clear that the narrator finds this out later or it doesn't make any sense.
And finally change "I'm sorry" to "tell her that I was sorry." again it's just improper use of the exclamation marks.
Overall though apart from the things I have pointed out I liked how you make the reader, and me personally, feel anger and fury towards these children as well as the teacher for their horrible treatment of Terry. You made the reader feel some feeling towards Terry even though we only knew her for a few short minutes. Bullying is a very strong topic though and that does lend itself well to your story as I can assume most people either know or have known someone who has been bullied before, and you presenting it in an extreme way really does hit home.
This piece while very short does create a very interesting scenario. I felt the piece started out very strong as the reader is transported into the room with a girl who is musing and the analogy of the rain is interesting and let's be honest it's all one we recognised at some point in our lives as the rain falls outside. I did feel you went a little overboard though with the angel part where the character goes on to talk about shampoo. I felt you could have stopped just short of that to avoid rambling.
I also feel that while I can guess confidently at what has happened to the character I think you danced around the subject too much as you never make any mention of what has really happened and it takes some thinking on behalf of the reader and the less astute among us may miss it. All it takes is a brief sentence and that problem is rectified to make the situation more personal to the character.
Another area where I think you went over the top is where she thinks about the fact she is not a child anymore. I think she could have certainly begun to weep at this thought but I think to have her stumble is a bit over the top, and I can't really see that happening realistically. But I do like the comparisons of her entry into womanhood and the room in which she dwells.
While i did say that you danced around the subject too much for my liking I do appreciate how you partially rectified this with the last paragraph and how ashamed she is, while it is a common issue (just watch day time TV shows) I feel again you can make some reference to her personal take on the situation rather than just a general debate. However, the general debate that someone like this goes through is certainly very vivid and very clear.
To bring everything together you played out the situation in a general sense very well but I think you lack the personal touch which makes this situation unique to every character or individual both fictionally and in real life. Elsewhere you just need to watch yourself because you can go over the top with certain events such as that thought. Remember just because it feels like a physical blow doesn't mean the character has to act that physical blow out. Please disregard anything you disagree with.
I'm not quite sure what story you are getting at here? I understand that it's clearly someone contemplating suicide but there is no real story to it. There is nothing that says anything about this character; not even a name. I think you have tried to make your story too complicated if there is some hidden meaning I'm missing then fair enough but I will still say if your reader doesn’t understand what you are getting at then it’s your fault. It’s up to the author to tailor their writing to the reader not the other way around.
Some of the imagery you created such as "The world is a hurricane of colour..." does work and of course it does seem very final and is a creative way to demonstrate the suicide itself. However the little acrostic poem you added in the middle I feel should be created as a single poem on its own, not a short story because as I said before there is no real story. The reason I say this is because some of the things in that acrostic poem are things people can relate to and do ring true about the world to some people in some ways. The opening of the story where you write about what the word suicide should be and where it came from just sounded like a bad joke. My advice here is just don't do that.
What I suggest you do is by all means keep the same message as the message is very true for many people. But you need to tell us more about the character such as bring in some tragic or defining event that the character makes reference to which made him feel this way. I feel you treat suicide too generally here and making it specific, which in reality it is, will go a long way to making a better piece of writing. I also suggest you don't try and create a poem in the middle of a short story. If you have a poem to include then create it as something completely separate.
Since you asked primarily about your writing, I will answer on that first. I think the long descriptions suit this situation because it's a very climatic scene since he is battling against his instincts and his consciousness. So in this case I think long and flowery descriptions are helpful as it helps to heighten the tension and give the reader a more vivid image of the scene. Are there places where it could be toned down slightly or a different word used? Yes certainly, but it's only in a few places such as where you compare him to an animal. Overall I would encourage you to only use this sort of writing style during climatic or important scenes and tone it down heavily outside of that in order to really emphasise these important scenes.
The plot itself is good enough and you do leave it open to additional chapters in the future. You mention his hunger though and the fact that he had not killed yet. This is what seems to be very wrong because if he has not killed then how is he still alive? Even vampires need to feed to stay alive or they just become weak and powerless, if we go by Bram Stoker's view of the vampire he would turn weak and human; which is evidently not true here. I also feel that the change where the hunger is defeated by passion is too abrupt as I can't see such a hunger which you have built up as very powerful would completely dissipate just like that; even in the face of love and passion.(that didn’t even happen in Twilight)
Your choice of words is of course open to changes in places but your use of punctuation seems fine.
Overall the plot in some places may need looking at, but it is left open to any additions which is good for you and the reader. The style of writing is fine for scenes like this but needs to be toned down heavily outside of this and your punctuation doesn't seem to be an issue. On a side note I assume Layla is the sleeping woman and Sage is the vampire?
First of all your creation of the narrator was certainly one of your strongest points as you managed to communicate this character through what he does rather than you having to tell us. What I gathered was his personality, he is obviously passionate, he is obviously arrogant in many ways and he is not afraid of revealing his feelings. I also feel that you ended the piece well as you made it very open ended, even if it is slightly confusing, and it leaves this plot open to any sequels in the future.
What I felt you didn't do as well on was the transition between settings as I was confused when you suddenly switched from his apartment to the dinner area. Also you described the door to his apartment as a thick metal door with a long, narrow corridor. Is this a ground floor apartment? Because it sounds more like a bunker than an apartment. Another thing that bothered me was the lack of description on the character of Barnes. I thought this was a time when you should have said something about his appearance or some quirk that makes Barnes unique because we get nothing. Only that they are friends.
Overall the plot can work, even if it hasn't really gone anywhere at this point, but that's ok because it's just an intro and it's very open ended. The main narrator is also well on its way to perfection as we learn quite a bit about him and his status in life while still leaving it a mystery. Your grammar, punctuation and word choice I will send through to you as a review sheet which I use for my own benefit and send to the author after. Like most people it did have quite a few areas where a different way of expression could be used but things such as punctuation are not much of a problem at all.
The plot is obviously your strong point as it sets up any future stories with these characters of the bird and the child perfectly. It reminds me of a plot that is used on TV shows quite often in which any future instalments will involve the bird and the grown up child as best of friends. At the moment you are in a very powerful position as you can do pretty much anything from now whether it involves their parents, new characters or just each other. So good job there I hope you continue it.
Your grammar and punctuation I feel was lacking throughout most of the piece and there is plenty of room for improvement. I also feel that your word choice in parts and your choice of descriptive words are poor as you repeat the same words frequently such as "amazing". And at times you miss out places where you could create an extended sentence to give the reader some more information about the scene and the characters.
On a side note I have taken this piece into a word document for my own personal use in reviewing and since it's very detailed and like all of my reviews I offer to send it to you if you want it as I have gone through it meticulously with changes to some words and grammar corrections. Of course I didn't change anything fundamental. So I will see about sending that to you. Your issue is not ideas and imagination with your plot it is merely your communication of those ideas.
First of all I feel your first section had moments of excitement that I really felt. The main part which caught my eye was the rush of feelings when she was adding Josh in a friend request. It is a feeling I myself can relate to as you quickly add someone you like and then look away and you worry about how they will react. That's good I really felt that. I also liked how you make clear some of the classic stereotypical views and situations such as that of parenthood which while I can't relate to myself, I imagine many parents will be able to.
What I felt you overdid was the very first section before Ann's part as I think it was very overdramatic and I feel you should have toned it down for a greater effect both in this section and throughout the whole of your novel. I feel here it begins to lose its effect because there is a huge section of it which really decays the original effect. Furthermore, I feel you spend too much time on certain parts while describing feelings and emotions. I in no way think this should be removed but perhaps just a few sentences or a paragraph would be better here with a little added plot progression or information such as the very last paragraph.
The various points of view which you show with Ann and Josh here I think will work well as it can sometimes be used to show contrasts between genders as well as to show different personalities which can prevent a novel becoming stale later on which is a danger if a novel is not action, action all the way. Just a warning for later on, try not to switch points of view so often, see it as a heart rate monitor, speed it up for dramatic effect during the climax of the book and slow it down after.
Overall I think it shows promise because you manage to relate to the reader and everyday situations in many areas but at times I feel you overdo it. Please disregard any comments you feel are unfair or you do not agree with. This is merely my own personal opinion on reading.
This piece of writing immediately strikes me as an item which is designed to tell a story within a story in a slow and gradual build up of thoughts and feelings rather than a conventional conflict resolution piece. I like how you can gradually change the feelings of the main character whoever this character is from its triumphant feeling into a quivering mess by the mere presence of this strange man. The use of short sentences illustrates the fast paced thoughts that I can relate to in real life if you feel intimidated by a mere stranger on the street as you try desperately to logically reassure yourself and work out what is going on and it only gets more nerve jingling as the stranger comes closer and closer. Here I feel you have targeted an everyday occurrence in life which I liked because anyone can relate to it.
However, what I didn't like was the parts where you mentioned things such as "pretending to admire something in the opposite direction routine" because it just seemed a little lazy and too plain and I feel it could have been explained better perhaps with some feelings. To give a small example; you could have said something like "I quickly averted my gaze in the opposite direction in a desperate attempt to blend into the background". Of course this is up to you but I felt you could do better there.
Another area which confused me a little was the ending which I feel you may have not got your original point across. I can't understand why it would fill someone with unshakable terror. I'm not sure here whether you meant for that or whether you just forgot to make clear that the character does not know why it fills the character with terror. Furthermore, the structure could have used some paragraphs as it was a massive wall of text and I feel some splitting up between the fast and furious thought processes shown by the short sentences could have been separated. The speech within the character's head could also be put on a separate line too which would have been more convenient.
Overall I think the text presents a wonderful example of the thought process that goes through someone's mind when a stranger approaches as well as how quickly and how fragile someone's good thoughts and feelings can be cut down in this savage manner. But just take a look at my criticism and please disregard anything you don't agree with.
Some of the points you raise about insanity and your inner self exploding and changing really raises some key debate and evokes thought as I have debated some of those points briefly in my head as I too have been both a victim of bullying and the bully itself in the past.
However this wasn't a poem I could really connect all that well with outside of that as I believe you try and simplify the concept of bullying too much which just makes it the usual standard take on bullying that a teacher or a school would tell you on the subject. I believe you could have gone into a lot more detail on such a subject and perhaps even used a character to act out these emotions as the process from the start of the bullying to the end goes on.
Once again you raise some very interesting points which can evoke some great thoughts and debates for readers but I just feel you do not go into enough detail with it and as a result it doesn't feel like a unique piece of writing from the author or the author's own personal experiences and merely what is said of bullying in the media and schools from perhaps an outsiders point of view. I just feel a subject like this should be more personal as every situation is different.
Please disregard any comments you do not agree with.
This story is very well written and there are mere technicalities that hold it back. But to begin with the good points. First of all I like how you have chosen a different time period from the modern period and you make it show too with the model T ford and the dust bowls which were symbols of the 20s and the 30s. I also liked how you seem to have given an indication towards the American dream and how hollow it really is as this character seems to curse it in a way and his own lifestyle. Moreover I also enjoyed the twist you have added which first time reading I imagine many people have thought he is going to kill himself and not the car.
Your use of description was wonderful as you took the opportunity to really go into the detail of even the most small and insignificant of objects such as the locust without going overboard with it but maybe it would be prudent to maybe attempt to go into the smells of the scene too which can really enhance the scene here and there. I also liked how you made use of literary devices such as similes which allows the reader to really get a feel for how this man is feeling at this point in his life.
The technicalities that I spoke of however confines to things such as "why?" we know next to nothing about him or where he is going or why he is really in the desert/country at all and for my liking it is a little bit too unclear. Furthermore I feel that "he was finally going to do it this time" is a bit over the top for just shooting up his car. In addition I felt the straw pork pie hat doesn't seem to fit a man wearing a full suit I feel a normal pork pie hat would have being sufficient. I also understand that he is angry and steadily becomes more irritated I feel you should have maybe captured his anger rather than just to say "he had had enough".
First of all the things I liked about this story. To begin with I enjoyed how you build up from a sane and curious character when the character has just awoken to a character along with rational thought that you can clearly see as losing it such as the howling which seems to not exist apart from inside the characters head. It creates excitement and evokes terror but also mystery as there is really nothing there at all. Secondly the aura of mystery is also created because the reason the character is in this forest makes no sense at all and leaves the reader to decide for themselves why the character might be there. Also your use of grammar was appropriate as you formed rhetorical questions which elevates the characters sense of fear. I found the structure of the story was very appropriate as it is well paragraphed which prevents a wall of text.
However there are some things that do concern me. Firstly if the trees are charred then that should mean they have being burned so how can they be so "leaf-ridden"? On another note I do think you could have used an alternative to the word leaf-ridden as it just screams duuuuh. In addition the ending was rather confusing. The idea of falling asleep in an almost surrendering way is fine but the final line "I never did" makes no sense as if the character never woke up how would he be able to tell us about it if this story is in first person. I really do think you should have changed it to the third person "he never did" in this situation.
Moreover I think maybe you should have explored your senses more in your descriptive work to expand more from what you merely see and hear. For example you could maybe add the taste of dirt as your character falls down or the touch of the trees and how they feel to the character. Smells can also be a factor as I imagine that in your forest you could smell something if not your own sweat from your character but the smell of nature around you.
While I rated lower than average for the story idea I have decided to raise it up to a nice average for this one since you provided some nice descriptions of the main character. On another note do not worry about the spelling too much as it is the ideas and such that matters although if you have any program like microsoft word you can just copy and paste it to there to check any spelling first.
As you said though most things will be revealed in chapter 1 which should remove the shroud of many of the things that are so far unknown to the reader and I imagine it will get better and the quality will grow as the story progresses.
On another note do not write this in a rush to get it out just take your time or the quality will suffer.
I can't say the idea has really grabbed my interest or anything so far which is why I have given it a fairly low rating. I would really have to see the start of the story or maybe a few chapters to really make an informed decision, I can see it maybe providing a traditional moral or message but for the time being I can't really see many exciting moments within this idea.
Mindshatter
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