Missy ~ EnjoyingBeingAMommy's (missy0201) Reviews

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#1767965 by Tiggy

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14 days may be credited.

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27

#3707684

Review of The Worst Valentine's Day

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, luminous1

.

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Congratulations on being gifted half of my package in "Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction"

Here is the first of your two reviews. I hope you enjoy.

The story: It's Valentine's Day and Alex is standing in Wal-mart trying to find the perfect gift for his new girlfriend, Tori. He's well known for his inability to give a good gift, so he's worried about what he should get her. After much debate with himself, he makes up his mind, pays for his purchases, and leaves the store. After hurrying to his car in the downpour of rain, hoping to get to Tori's house on time, his car won't start. When he finally beats it into submission, he has to go back into Wal-mart because he forgot to get the flowers he bought, but they were gone. He's now got a short amount of time to get to Tori's house, but the weather gets in his way. He finds himself sitting out the wind and rain on the side of the road. He's now late, and to beat it all, the old woman in the car behind him can't get her's started. She comes to him for help. From there, things seem to continue on a downhill slide, but things eventually turn around for him.

Suggestions:

She is so beautiful. She has russet hair in a disheveled bun that fires out in every direction. She has sparks in her eyes that light up everyone around her. She could get the shiest person in the room to talk to her. (This sounds more like a list and is a little too stiff. Perhaps something like this: She's beautiful with her russet hair pinned in a disheveled bun, firing out in every direction. The sparks in her (color) eyes lights up everyone around her, and her personality draws even the shiest person to her side.)

but she didn't care and I didn't care (but neither of us cared)

fields were so mushy that brown footprints were tracking throughout the typically spick and span white Wal-Mart floors. (Every Wal-Mart store that I've seen has a large asphalt parking lot, so I wouldn't think there would be a lot of mud tracked in. Well, I guess they could if a lot of the shoppers walked through the fields to get there, but why would they, and their feet would probably be pretty clean by the time they crossed the parking lot.)

ran out of the store for my truck. (I think you may have meant 'car' here since you go on to talk about a Camero in the next paragraph.)

buying a stereo system and radio (I don't think you need to mention 'radio' here. I think that it's included in 'stereo system'. When I think of a stereo system I think of speakers, radio, amp, and whatever else they can find to go with it.)

needed to buy a new engine, but engine's cost a fortune (I can see where you're going with this part, but it doesn't feel like it works with some of the other things you have written. They say the car used to be a piece of crap and so they had spent several thousands of their savings to fix it up. It was bought at a junkyard, so it may or may not have ran when they bought it, but I would think that it would have needed to run before he invested so much in making it look good. Is there some reason the engine is failing now?)

I was about to pull out when I stopped. (This doesn't sound quite right. Why did he feel the need to check for the flowers?)

The clock read 7:20, and I was supposed to be there at 7:00 (The time doesn't work out right. When he went back into Wal-Mart, he had 30 minutes to get there on time. I'm guessing by the time he got back to his car, he may have had around 20 or so. Next he sits on the side of the road for several hours, but here it sounds like he is only 30 minutes late.)

I flipped it off, and the pitter-patter (I flipped it off. The pitter-patter)

igniting her car engine, but her blue Chrysler Neon's wheels didn't move ('igniting' makes me think of setting it on fire. Why would the wheels move if the car wouldn't start?)

put on repeat, and it turned off (put on repeat before she (gave up and) turned it off)

“I do,” I said. “Would you be willing to take a look at my car?” “Let me take a look at it for you.” (This conversation doesn't feel real to me. First of all, he can't even seem to keep his car running right, so how can he say he knows anything about getting a car running? She asks him to take a look at her car, then he offers to take a look at her car. His second response should probably be something along the lines of him agreeing to look at it for her.)

pulled open the engine, examining it (I think you mean that he pulled open the hood to examine the engine before checking everything else.)

She ignited the car and the wheel still didn't turn (She tried again to start the car, but the motor wouldn't turn over.)

my newly painted bright yellow Camero, (When you talked about him fixing it up before, I thought that was sometime not long after he'd gotten the car. How long has he had the car?)

Later that week, I found a 1985 Camero (I found my... Otherwise, it looks like it could have belonged to someone else and he stole it.)

Thoughts: I enjoyed the story and you did a good job writing it. The poor guy seemed to have quite a few problems considering how much effort he was trying to put into giving his girlfriend a nice valentines day. There seemed to be several inconsistencies as far as the time line went through all of it. I wasn't sure of his age, so later on it caused some confusion about when he'd gotten the car and had the work done. I thought he must have been at least in his twenties since he used his savings to fix the car up. If he had the thousands of dollars while he was still in his early teens, why did his parents buy him the car? Couldn't he have taken his savings then and gotten a better car instead of pouring all of that time and money into what seems to have been a piece of crap? The flow wasn't quite right in a couple of places. I think I noted them above, but one really sticks out in my head, but I don't have any suggestions on how to rework it. When he talks about hating his car because it either runs or he's left in a cornfield seems a little wordy and stiff. Otherwise, it's a good story that needs just a little going over to help build up the story and make it clearer in some places. I'm glad that everything worked out in the end. I'd hate to think that he went through all of that for nothing. Don't be discouraged by my review of your work. It is a really good story that I'm glad I had the chance to read.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

GROUP

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Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

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28

#3696915

Review of The Eyes of Death

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating

.

The story: Nora finds an old quilt in her back yard. She folds and places it on the table on her patio. Once her outside work is finished, she heads off for a relaxing bath before her husband gets home. While she's soaking, she hears a scream. Going to investigate, she finds a door that she'd locked opened, and the quilt on the floor. She ventures outside and comes across a body.

Suggestions:

Nora picked up the tattered (Nora picked the tattered)

stains that covered the blanket (stains covering the blanket)

I gave to Jane before (I gave Jane before)

full trash bag to the garage, she put it in the black plastic trash (You should try to avoid using the same words so close together. As short as this story is, you would be better off to not use any of the same words like this for objects. Try to find another word that describes the same thing like 'garbage can'.)

front door, checked the patio door (This is the same as I mentioned above. You could fix this by writing something simple like this: front door, then the one leading out onto the patio.)

she had locked it (she'd locked it)

Going into the house, she locked the front door, checked the patio door to make sure she had locked it, went into the bathroom, and ran a hot bubble bath. (Although this may be technically correct, I'm not a fan of run on sentences, especially in something that is meant to be in the horror genre. It reads like a list of things she did instead of pulling the reader along as she went through these simple movements. I'd suggest that you break it down into several smaller sentences. That will also help the flow. Most of the time, long run on sentences only ruin the flow, and add nothing to the story.)

Here's a couple of articles that might help with getting more bang in your story.

STATIC

Creating Motion in Fiction

(13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Invalid Item"

I think you may want to go back through this story and check some of your punctuation.

Thoughts: This is a good basis for a really chilling horror tale. I like the ideas that you've presented, and think it's a great start. Being a fan and writer of horror, I felt a little let down. I'm not the best writer, but I do know that there is no way you are going to capture the reader, build tension, and produce any type of fear in 258 words. These things take time to draw them out, you need to show the reader what's happening instead of telling them. This story 'told' the story. We should see the story. I was left with some questions an the end. Who was Jane, and what did she have to do with the quilt? Why did Nora find this quilt in her yard? How did she know where the scream came from, and why did it take so long for her to hear it? I get the shock effect at the end. It's a good concept for the story, but I'm wondering what happened? Why is she there? What did it? All I know is Nora found a quilt, went about her business, heard a scream, and found her body. These questions should be answered by the end of the story no matter the size. I like the story, and I'm glad I had a chance to read it. Like I said, it does have a lot of potential to be great. If you decide to edit it, I'd like to come back and read it again.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

"Newbie Help And Support Group"

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14 days may be credited.

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29

#3692678

Review of Waiting

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Hello, Kaelhyn

.

The story: A mother sits in a hospital waiting room waiting for news about her son who is having surgery to remove a tumor from his head. Across the room sits her husband. Their relationship has become strained and they've separated, but she wishes for his comfort but doesn't feel that she has a right to ask it of him. He leaves the room and she finds herself starting to cry. As she's trying to gain a little control, he comes back with drinks. He gathers her into his arms and they try to rebuild what they had and come to terms with what wen't wrong. The doctor soon comes into the room to update the couple on their son's condition, and so their attention is once again returned to the reason that they are there.

Suggestions:

The silence was followed by rapid construction of walls (It seems like you have moved to past tense in this section. Perhaps: 'Silence follows the rapid construction of walls'.)

Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. I thought you did a wonderful job writing it. The characters were believable as well as the situation. You have a very nice writing style that helped the story to flow smoothly and added to the emotional impact. The pace was nice and I had no problems following the story or what was happening. You used some very nice descriptions which made it easy for my senses to connect with the surroundings and people. I felt bad for the mother because she thought that it wasn't right to ask for comfort from her estranged husband, so I was glad when you brought them back together. This story is very emotional from a few different aspects. I felt I could connect with this woman, and she is a great character for this story. You've shown that even though she feels week throughout all of this, she is stronger than she believed. Thank you for a very enjoyable read.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

FORUM

Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction

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Auction to help Newbie Help & Support, Newbie Welcome Wagon and The Newbies Academy Group
#1858225 by Tiggy

"Newbie Help And Support Group"

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14 days may be credited.

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30

#3686695

Review of Never Trust the Smile

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Hello, JACE - House Targaryen

.

The story: The prompt for this story is a little blue stress relief ball with a smiley face. Although there is some mention of the ball, this story centers more on the man using it. He has graduated from college with a degree in Biochemistry. After searching for a job in his field, he finally gets one with an unfamiliar lab. He spends his days trying to develop his ideas on DNA which focused on creating a 'smart drug'. The idea was for it to target diseased cells without harming anyone. During his experiments, he stumbled upon a different type of side effect that he hadn't considered.

Thoughts: You have written quite a story for this prompt. You have done a great job of writing it. I couldn't find anything that needed to be pointed out that could improve it. I really enjoy your writing style, and you do a wonderful job of editing. This story flowed very well and swept me along the story. I thought it was very believable and a realistic possibility. I liked the personality of the main character and his thoughts about himself. I got a nice chuckle out of the part about his college graduation. I enjoyed the seemingly laid back personality of the character, and his down to earth attitude. Considering his education and employment, I would have considered him a dull character, but you made him so that the reader could relate to him. The problem that he set out to solve, and the discovery that he made were very unique. I could believe that there were scientists out there working on those very things. There seems to be an underlying truth to this story about our society and the way it's managed which lends more believably to it. I enjoyed getting the chance to read this story. Thanks for writing and sharing it with all of us.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

GROUP

(E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

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31

#3673613

Review of The Jesus Lizard

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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Hello, Nixie

.

The story: In a house already overcrowded with pets, a mother takes her son to the pet store. There they purchased a Jesus lizard. Once they were given instructions on how to care for it, they took it home and got it settled in. Since they were told it ate crickets, they had to make weekly stops at the pet store for its weekly supply. One week they went to a different store when they were informed that they also needed to give it vitamin C. Armed with this new knowledge and directions, they went home. On another trip to get more crickets they learned that it was not too big for the crickets and needed another food source, which they came to terms with as long as they could.

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this story. It was fun to read about the experiences that this family went through with the lizard. You told it in a laid back style which made it fun to read. I liked the humor that you used. It was a believable tale. You did a good job with the descriptions and even though most of the characters didn't have a name, you did a good job of picking out a feature that set them apart from each other. Everything seemed clear and it all flowed well. I'm glad that I had the chance to read it. Good job.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

GROUP

(E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

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32

#3673072

Review of Monster Justice

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

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Hello, BIG BAD WOLF is hopping

.

The story: This story is about James, a human, in a world filled with creatures of all kinds. He has found himself in a sticky situation. He is helped by a werewolf who takes the blame for a crime that has been committed against a judge and his son.

Observations/suggestions:

and start writing (and started writing)

owned by a prominent man (You may want to consider changing 'man' to something that will describe him better. I'm sure you are wanting to surprise the reader later on when you tell what he really is, but I felt that by calling the creatures men, it led to some confusion as I read further into the story. You may want to consider just introducing them as what they are.)

two men stand in the dining room (You may want to consider changing 'men' to something vague such as 'figures' since one of them isn't a man.)

Somehow you need to let the reader know in the first part that the human's name is James. It is a bit confusing when the next part starts out with 'James'. I was left wondering for a few moments just who James was and what he had to do with anything. You don't want to give the reader any reason to stop reading, and unfortunately, I found quite a few things that stopped me along the story.

In some places it seems a bit wordy which causes the flow to falter. You should check all of your passive words such as has, had, was, were, to see if they really are needed. I noticed some places where they could easily be removed to make the flow better. It also seems that in places you have added things to try to help the reader understand and see what you want them to. We don't have to see every little detail to get the picture. A good example of some of this is the opening of the story. I found it hard to get past without having to go over it a few times to get what was happening. This is an example of some things that I would do to help word it better:

(In a large house owned by the prominent judge, two figures stand in the dining room looking at its dead owner. The end of a (how were they shaped?) horn stuck out through his mouth. As they watched (how did they watch?), his blood pooled onto the floor.)

There are a few places where you can add more detail to a passage like this. I pointed out two places, but you should do more showing instead of telling when you are writing. It paints a clearer picture and draws the reader further into the story. I've found some items that may help you get a better idea about some of the areas that I felt might need a little attention to help the story really pop. I've found them really helpful in my own writing.

STATIC

Creating Motion in Fiction

(13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Dealing with the Passive Voice?"

"Invalid Item"

Thoughts/feelings: This is a really interesting story. I liked how you threw one human into a world of creatures. You showed a human side to the werewolf that made him a likable character. The ending was a surprise because I thought that the fiancee and sister were the same person. This may just be a slip, but the werewolf did have a picture of James' fiancee and said she was his sister, but in the end, you tell us the werewolf had been holding a picture of a different woman. I was left wondering who this other woman was and if this is a different picture, why would he have a picture of James's fiancee and claim that she was his sister. If it's not his sister, why would he wait and use this as an excuse to kill the judge? If he wanted him dead for some reason, why not just go ahead and do it since he killed himself anyway? While I was reading, I found a lot of places where more detail was needed to really set this story apart from just a typical story. It's really unique and I can see that it would be an excellent story with a bit more editing and focusing on the flow and details. Right now it just seems like a quick story that you rushed to get written. If you decide to edit it, I would like to come back and read it again. You have a great base to work with. Thanks for allowing me to read your work and offer my opinion for your consideration.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

"Newbie Help And Support Group"

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

33

#3654054

Review of The guy who didn't eat fish.

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

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Hello, Absent Minded Professor

.

The story: A man is taken to a seafood restaurant by his friends. He doesn't like seafood, so there is nothing for him to eat. While one of his friends sits stuffing his face, another one asks why he doesn't like seafood. The whole room goes quiet so they can listen to his answer. He tells of how he was traumatized as a child, and how it led to his dislike. The story leaves everyone wondering why he came to a seafood restaurant.

Observations/suggestions:

because the place looks (because the place looked)

who I shall dub “the Dim Sum tour guide (who I dubbed "the Dim Sum tour guide)

if many of the dishes are seafood (if many of the dishes were seafood)

a quiet had come over the restaurant (a quiet came over the restaurant)

I was just too naive think that (I was just too naive to think that}

and she gives me a look of disgust (and gave me a look of disgust)

not even on our table are (not even at out table were)

I relished the spotlight and launched into my storytelling with gusto. (After this sentence, you go into a lengthy dialog about why he doesn't eat fish. You need to put that in quotation marks so the reader knows that he is speaking out loud.)

which was 6pm incidentally (which was 6:00 p.m.)

You should go through the whole story checking all of your punctuation and making the story more active. You use a lot of passive words such as has, had, was, etc. They are very noticeable and take away from the story. Most of these words can be deleted without it changing anything, but in some places you may need to rewrite the sentence to omit them. There are times when they need to be used, but try to use them as least as possible.

I don't think there is a lot of problems with the grammar, but some of the tense is off. I tried to find as much as I could to help you.

Thoughts/feelings: This is a unique tale. You make it sound realistic and the conversations are believable. I enjoyed reading this story, and found it a bit humorous. You did a good job writing it, but it does need some editing. I know you were looking mainly for grammar and tense comments, and I tried to focus mainly on those aspects. I hope this review will help you to get a little closer to your writing goal. Thanks for the entertaining story.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

GROUP

(E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

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34

#3654016

Review of WLTM IRL

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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Hello, Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

.

The story: A vampire named Anton learned his way around the computer and internet to find victims. He enjoyed toying with them before meeting them and later killing them. He had been quite successful until he set up a date with Kerry. He felt confident that this new victim would be as easy to manipulate as all of the others, but he found himself on the other side of the internet seduction game he liked to play.

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this short story. You did a good job writing it. I did find a few adverbs which I though wasn't needed, but you seemed to stay within the limits of one per every 300 words. This was a creative vampire story which I found believable and frightening. You put a new twist on vampires searching for prey that was refreshing and new. It reminded me that not everything on the net is not as safe as what we would like to believe. Although the story is good, I would have liked to see more detail and been drawn into the story. I wanted to feel everything that was going on. I thought you did a good job when you described the scent between him and Marta on the beach. I could imagine her and how his attentions could make her feel. Perhaps a little more conversation while he is online talking to his victims would paint more of a picture of how exactly he was able to seduce these women since he wasn't able to use his normal methods. Otherwise, this is a really good story that has a good message to it. You shouldn't believe everything you're told by people on the internet, especially when you're looking for a relationship.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

GROUP

(E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

"Invalid Item"

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35

#3654000

Review of Marathon Writing: A NaNoWriMo Article

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Hello, Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

.

The article: This article is full of helpful and encouraging advice to help participants of NaNoWriMo get through the month. It offers advice on maintaing your word count throughout the month and gives examples of some of the different strategys the writer can use to keep them from falling behind on their novel, and how to get ahead of the word count and find time to relax. It also offers suggestions to keep the writer from getting burned out while they are trying to reach their goal of 50,000 words for the month. He suggests ways to relieve the stress that can cause you to give up on the project.

Observations/suggestions:

Which would means you could be done (Just a little typo here on 'means'.)

and if you've build up a buffer (A typo here, I think, on 'build'.)

but that doesn't mean you're going (I don't think you need 'but' here.)

Thoughts/feelings: I found this to be a very enlightening article about participating in NaNoWriMo. I considered trying it this past November, but I didn't think it was something that I was really ready for. After reading your article, I know that I was right. I may have to reconsider when it rolls around this year. You have provided quite a few tips to help writers get through a demanding month of writing. I can't even think about trying to write 50,000 words in one month because I have a hard time writing every day. I enjoyed the different ways that you broke down the word count so that the writer didn't have to feel pressured to write more than they were able to in one day. You took into account their schedules and problems that may come up. I thought you did a good job by mentioning how stressful it can be and that it's important for the writer to find some time to do something to relax them. You gave some really good advice about not being tempted to read back over your work each day. I find that I've developed the habit of going back through all of my stories before I add more to them, and I can understand the need during the contest for the writer not to. You've done a good job writing this article, and I found it very informative and honest. I like the style that you have written it in. It makes it easy to read and understand, and paints a clear picture of the differences between just writing, and writing for NaNo. Thank you for taking the time to write this article. I'm sure many people have found it helpful.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

GROUP

(E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

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14 days may be credited.

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36

#3642259

Review of Up and Down

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Hello, ~WhoMe???~

.

The poem: This poem is centered around the subject of weight control. The writer is concerned with their weight gain and tries different ways to maintain their ideal weight. They're conscious of the fact that if they let down their guard for a moment, the weight will start to return.

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this poem and found it very easy to connect with since I've spent my life struggling with a weight problem. I found it very helpful that you also add a note about this poetry form also. I'm not an expert on judging poetry even though I used to write quite a bit of it. I've been slowly learning about the different types, and have enjoyed trying a few. I thought you chose your words well to paint a clear picture of the lengths you have gone to to stay in shape. I applaud your will power and the best of luck with maintaining your goal.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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37

#3642245

Review of Is There A Balance

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Hello, ~WhoMe???~

.

The poem: This poem centers around being torn between what needs to be done, and what has to be done. Of course we do eventually have to sleep, but there is always a need to do what is required, or even important to us.

Thoughts/feelings: You did a great job of staying within the syllable count in this poem. I like that you added a note at the bottom to explain the form that you used. I found it very helpful. I enjoyed the message of the poem. I could easily connect with the conflicting feelings between wanting to sleep and having things that needed to be done. I think that everyone can relate to those feelings. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day, but at some point we have to put all of that away and rest. Thank you for an enjoyable read.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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#1788766 by Not Available.

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38

#3640811

Review of Monday-Monday Chapter 1

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Hello, Oldwarrior

.

The story: In this first chapter, we meet Monday Von Stiehl. We learn a bit about his family history, and how he came to be born and raised in America in the early 1800s. He's born into military life, and when his parents die, he is cared for by one of his father's friends until he is 16 years old. At this point, the old man dies leaving Monday his few possessions. Monday has dreams of escaping the military life and striking out on his own to see the world, but first he needs to get a horse. An army officer talks him into challenging a preppy lieutenant for his horse. With nothing to trade except his freedom, he decides that it's worth the risk. The challenge is made and Monday loses. He then finds himself a soldier in the army for the next year, and the worst part is that he will have to serve under the same lieutenant that he challenged.

Observations/suggestions:

I will save for a later. (I will save for a later (date, time) or 'for later'.)

The Keen is for you as it be Irish (I feel like his accent changes in this section.)

Iss is goot Anna (I kept stumbling here because you were writing 'is' as 'iss', so it wasn't making sense to me. After a lot of thought, I thought that you may have meant 'this is good' so you may want to change the first word to something like 'dis'.)

It seems to me that everyone (I think you may mean 'seemed' here since you are speaking of the past.)

At leasy women were his only vice (Typo. Do you mean 'least'?)

Major a nasty look as we left the room (Major a nasty look as we left. By adding 'the room' on the end, you are just repeating yourself. Since he was being guided out of the room, we know that he is leaving the room.)

Double check your comma placement.

Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job of writing this story. It was entertaining and I enjoyed reading it. You did a good job with the dialog, especially when you needed to use accents to give us a better look at some of the other characters. The story was believable and well written. When I read your description, I though this would be a story about the old west. I didn't expect for it to begin in a military setting, so that left me to wonder if it is going to move on to a western, or stick with his military career. I guess I'll have to read on to find out.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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39

#3639798

Review of The Guesthouse

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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Hello, Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

.

The story: Antonia has left home for collage, but once there, she's not happy about the way the dorm is set up. She decides that she will try to find a place off campus to rent. She finds what she thinks is the perfect place. It's a guesthouse owned by an older man who rents it to collage students in order to supplement his small income. The room is small but furnished with everything she needs. It's connected to the main house by another door that leads into the kitchen. After a few months, she makes a new friend, and they become best friends and study partners. When Antonia invites her back to her little apartment to study, the other girl notes the address and warns Antonia about some rumors that she has heard about other girls who have rented the place. Antonia doesn't believe what she tells her, and goes back. That night she hears strange noises and spends a sleepless night, jumping at every noise she hears. The next day, she fusses at her friend for telling her the stories that caused her to be awake all night, and in her tired state, she forgot one of her books back at the apartment. She goes back to retrieve it and while she is there, her friend calls with some disturbing news. This gets her attention, and she hurries to get her things together to leave, but before she can, she learns about the owner's terrible secret.

Observations/suggestions:

crept toward the wall that had made the scraping sound (I think you mean 'where she'd heard the scraping'. As it is, it sounds like the wall made it, but a wall can't make a scraping sound.)

In the following suggestions, it seems like you changed tense during and after this conversation between Hillary and Antonia. watch for those tense changes.

“I’m sorry,” Hillary says, (I think you mean 'said'.)

Antonia sighs (I think you mean 'sighed'.)

Hillary grins. (I think you mean 'grinned'.)

Antonia gets her keys out of her bag (I think you need 'took' or something similar.)

She stops another student as they hurry by (She 'stopped' another student as they 'hurried' by.)

Antonia is just stuffing her economics textbook (Antonia 'was' just stuffing)

She smiles when she sees Hillary’s (She 'smiled' when she 'saw')

looks like she’s going to be sick ('looked' or 'felt' lake 'she was' going to be sick)

Antonia hangs up the phone and rushes for the door (Antonia 'hung' up the phone and 'rushed')

She makes her way down to the basement and rummages (She 'made' her way down to the basement and 'rummaged')

With relief, she finds them at the bottom of one of the boxes, pulls it out and turns to leave. ('Relieved' that she's 'found' them in the bottom of one of the boxes, she 'pulled' it out and 'turned' to leave.)

She rushes up the stairs, then screams and falls back as Mr. Kearns suddenly appears (She 'rushed' up the stairs, then 'screamed' and 'fell' back as Mr. Kearns suddenly 'appeared')

Antonia falls back down the stairs and lands (Antonia 'fell' back down the stairs and 'landed')

This tense change seems to go on throughout some of the rest of the story. Another thing that I want to bring to your attention is that you shouldn't use the same word over once in a paragraph. Try to use another word or phrase that means the same thing. I've seen that you have done that in several places throughout the story.

I've noticed throughout the whole story that you use quite a few unnecessary adverbs. Most publishers recommend only using one for every three hundred words, and only if you really need to. It's best if you can do away with them all. I don't think I saw any that actually improved the story. I'm going to share a link with you that I found very helpful. I hope you find it as useful as I do.

Writing Blunders

surgical implements, power tools, and everything in between (Here I think that you could be just a little more specific. What kinds of surgical implements and power tools? Surely he doesn't have every single thing in the world down there in that small room. What is everything in between? Show me what she is seeing that is so scary.)

Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job writing this story, and I enjoyed getting to read it. The conversations felt realistic and believable. I enjoyed the pace you set. I felt that it really brought the story to life, and Antonia seemed to be the typical disbelieving teen. You did a great job of showing the interactions of all of the characters in a realistic fashion that helped to draw me into the story. I love horror, and you do a good job of writing it. I was wondering what was going on once Hillary told her about the rumors. The ending wasn't a real surprise as I read on, but the story did keep me wanting to keep reading. You did well in setting it up and finishing it. You used some good descriptions that helped to show me what was going on, and drew me into Antonia's character. I was hoping that by some miracle Antonia would make it out and turn him in. Thanks for the great read.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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40

#3638378

Review of Dead End - Chapter 1

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Hello, C.M Emerson

.

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The story: The story begins on a typical morning for Holli. She is getting ready for another day of school when her mother confronts her about an email she has received from Holli's principal. The subject of the email is that Holli has three failing grades. Her mother decides that she will have to stop cheer leading, which Holli's life revolves around since she is the captain of the squad. She's very upset when she leaves for school, and calls her friend on the way. She is going to be late for class, so she decides to stop and get a frappe. As she is leaving, a text comes in from her friend asking where she's at. In the next moment her life is forever changed.

Observations/suggestions:

The first thing that I want to comment on is the formatting of this chapter. When everything is written so close together without spaces, it makes it hard to read. My suggestion would be to put a blank line between each paragraph and each line of dialog to make it easier to read and review.

Is that why I am so stiff (Is that why I'm so stiff)

Taking a long stretch I pop several joints (taking a long stretch, I pop several joints.)

three feet away from my window (outside my window)

is always swarmed with (Tense change. is always swarming with)

sends the birds to flock away (sends the birds flocking away)

Of course I'm up, did (of course I'm up. Did)

my book bag. Which (my book bag, which)

after school today. And, I just so (after school today, and I just so)

It is simple enough (It's simple enough)

When you are describing the bedroom, you are doing more telling of what the room looked liked instead of showing. I feels more like a list of things and their places in the room. You want the reader to get a picture of the room. It may not be exactly the way you see it, but it is best to give the reader the room to see it for themselves. You may want to try scattering theses details throughout the beginning of the story while she's in her room. For example, when she goes to the closet to put on her outfit, this would be a good time to let the reader know that it isn't really a closet, but a pole that runs across the room. You also may not want to refer to it as a closet, but instead something general like where her clothes hung from a pole attached to each wall.

You also use the color purple to describe everything. You should avoid using the same word more than once in a paragraph. You can state all of this in a simpler way. For example, you can have her comment that she chose to decorate her room in several shades of purple because it is her favorite color. From the lavender walls, to the lilac rug covering the hard wood floor. I actually didn't get a picture of the room until you said it was a typical teenage girl's room.

Then by the door a white computer desk with my laptop and school books (Here you are basically repeating yourself from earlier when she grabbed her books off of the desk and put them in her bag. We already know that she has a desk by the time you get to this part. If you want to make sure the reader knows it's white, that would be a better time to add that hint. A good rule of thumb is to not spend too much detail on things that are not necessary to the story. You don't want the reader's attention focused on what her room looked like unless it's playing a major role in the story, and then find ways to spread it out and give hints so the image can develop in the reader's mind.

Once again purple runs wild when you are describing her car. I get it. Her favorite color is purple.

It may be better to let the reader know that her mother had it custom made in her favorite color since we already know that purple is her favorite color, that is what the reader will see.

In order to pay for my Convertible (In order to pay for it, You don't have to refer to it as a convertible here because you already said it is a convertible. You are just repeating yourself. Don't try to over explain anything to the reader. The beauty of a story is that it allows each reader to develop their own picture of what's going on in the story. It may not be exactly as you picture it, but we aren't supposed to see it as you do. Everyone sees things their own way, and the more you can draw them into the story, the clearer the picture will be. With too many details, you are telling the reader that you don't trust them to imagine the surroundings, objects, or other important things in the story.

My mother is the best real estate agent around. (I don't think you need to state this unless it's important to the story. If you feel that you have to use it, you may want to rephrase it and put it somewhere else where it flows into the story better.)

Oh no, the full name, I'm in trouble (This seems like a thought, so you may want to put it in italics to off set it from her mother speaking.)

You can hear the fear in my tone (The way it's written, I don't hear anything until you tell me I do. I think you are wanting 'I' instead of 'you'.)

just what am I going to do about it. (Is this a question?)

You will report directly (you'll)

The team does not need you (doesn't Check your conversations for these places where you can keep the conversation from feeling stiff.)

I can't not go to practice and lead my team. I can't not (you should put both of the words 'not' in italics to put more stress on them.)

This is a crisis major (major crisis)

of my classes and that evil witch (classes, and that)

OhMyGod (You need to separate and punctuate this depending on how you mean it.)

My whole world, just crushed (world just)

I turn my head to my left and I can't see. I can barely hear metal crunching. (This doesn't sound right. I've been in bad accidents, and everything seems to slow down to a point where everything is amplified, and everything is clearly seen and heard. If she can't see or hear anything, how does she hear the woman screaming, or the sirens. She could only hear herself screaming in her head.)

I can't hear anything anymore. Everyone left me. (If you are planning a novel, I would leave out this part. It makes it sound like the story is over.)

With everything formatted as it is, it was hard for me to get more specific about some areas, but I'd like to offer you a couple of links that may help you to smooth out the rough edges and put some better details into the story.

STATIC

Creating Motion in Fiction

(13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

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Thoughts/feelings: This seems to be a good start to a story. You did a good job with the dialog. It seemed natural, and provided quite a bit of information that the reader needed. I do think that you could use more detail to help draw the reader further into the story. It's more like a telling of facts. I didn't feel that the ending had the impact that it should have, and sounded fake and forced. Overall, I liked the story, and best of luck to you as you edit.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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41

#3633769

Review of Are You Listening To Me ?

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Hello Winnie Kay

,

This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

The story:Rebecca watches the sun rise above the mountains and longs to move on, but before she can do that, she needs to break through to Ted. She moves through the house as he wanders from one room to the next trying to get through to him. At the sound of a knock on the door, they both look out to see who it is. It's his partner from work. He's a policeman but Ted hasn't been to work in a while. Jim has come by offering to take him to the station for a visit, and shares some news about an investigation. When he leaves, Ted goes back to the kitchen to set alone. Rebecca finally gets through to him, and it brings a smile to his face.

Thoughts/feelings:You've done a good job with this story, and I enjoyed reading it. You use some good descriptions that make it an emotional piece. I felt like I could connect with the feeling of both Rebecca and Ted, even though I've never been in Rebecca's position. The conversations were believable and real and I didn't have any problems separating each character in the story. I couldn't find anything to comment, or offer a suggestion on. Good job.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

FORUM

(ASR)
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#1814944 by River

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42

#3632683

Review of Magnificent, This World Chapters 1 and 2

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, A. P. Enderson

. I'd like to welcome to WDC with a review of your work. I hope you enjoy being a part of this wonderful site as much I do.

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

The story: Joy has been living in an isolated facility underground for ten years. She was taken from her home at the age of seven and hasn't seen her family since then. Alone in her room, she thinks about them and wonders if they miss her, or even remember her. She often wakes in the night from terrifying nightmares of a man who is after her and tries to kill her. She has a secret though. She sneaks out of her room in the early morning hours and roams the empty hallways just to add some excitement to her otherwise boring existence. During one of her missions she is surprised by another girl. They begin to form a friendship during the early morning hours while they roam the hallways together. One night while they are hunting for a way to escape their prison, they come upon the body of dead boy who is wearing the same uniform as them. Hearing people outside the door, they hide and wait for the chance to leave. They find out that the boy was shot because he was trying to escape, but this doesn't stop their searching. Joy starts to see the man from her dreams in the hallways during the day, and in her room at night. When the second chapter ends, Joy is face to face with the man. She then realizes that he wasn't just a man in her nightmares who wants to kill her.

Observations/suggestions:

What are their lives are like up there? (You have one extra 'are' in here that should be removed.)

I slowly move it around, then slowly, the lock becomes becomes undone. (You use 'slowly' and 'becomes' twice in this sentence. You should remove one of each)

but it’s something else colors it red (Consider removing 'it's'.)

When you are editing, pay close attention to your word choices, and don't use the same word twice in the same sentence or paragraph. Try to find another word or phrase to describe it. I saw a few places that you need to look over and rework to fix that in your story.

I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs in this story. Most publishers recommend using only one per every 300 words, but it's better if you can actually not use them at all. I found a very helpful article on the subject that I think can explain why better than I can. I'm adding the link for you to check out.

Writing Blunders

Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job on these first two chapters. I enjoyed your writing style and felt that it flowed well and was easy to follow the story. I was drawn into Joy's story and wanted to read more of it. You did a good job with your descriptions of her surroundings, thoughts, and feelings. The only things that stood out to me as I read through it was what I commented in the suggestions section. Thanks for this great read, and I look forward to reading more of this story in the future.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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#3621535

Review of Prisoner of Love

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello kymee

,

This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

The Poem: In the beginning she is expressing how she feels about the relationship. Then she tells of some of the ways he used her and admits that she's to blame also because she let him do it. This moves on to anger as she warns him about the way that he lives his life and the consequences of those actions. In the end, she has made up her mind that it is over and the biggest reason that they couldn't be together.

Observations/suggestions:

The first thing I noticed was the flow. In some places, despite the syllable count, it seems to work. Your syllable count isn't consistent in each line, so it is affecting some of the flow. I'd try to go back through it and work on it to see if you can get the same amount of syllables for each line. I'm not sure which count would be best for this poem, but you have several lines where you use 6, 7, or 8. All of the lines don't have to have the same syllable count. You could alternate between two counts by having the first and third line having one count, and line 2 and 4 having another count. There are several patterns that you can use, abut the main thing is to try and stay consistent in that pattern. I know that sometimes it can be hard to get the count just right and still keep the meaning, so just try to keep the lines as close as you can to help it flow. If you can't, try to find another pattern that will work for it.

You wrote:

I don’t want to be a victim
I’m tired of being used.
Every time I feel something
I feel I’m being abused.

Examples:

I can't be your victim
I'm tired of being used
When I believe something
I feel I am abused
(You had used the word feel twice in one sentence. I changed one of them in this example because I didn't think it worked with both of them together.)

I don't want to be your victim
I am tired of being used
Every time I believe something
I begin to feel abused
(Here you used being twice in this part which I felt threw off the flow a little. I changed it some just to show you how it could be changed.)

The next thing that I noticed was how well the rhyming was done. According to the way the rest of the poem is written, the last words of these two lines should rhyme. They are kind of close, but just not enough. What makes it really noticeable to me is that the rest of the words that you rhyme are so closely matched.

my car and for sex.
and discarded what was left.

With these two, you have used the same word, which doesn't seem work too well either.

has affected my own life.
threatening my freedom and life.

Thoughts/feelings: This is a very emotional poem. I can sense the anger, pain, and confusion that you were going through during that time. I can tell also that despite all of the anger and pain you still cared about him. I feel like even though you wanted it to be over, and had plenty of reasons to end it, you were still unsure if it was what you really wanted. It feels like in some ways you were trying to reach out to him and hoped he would see what he had done and would change. I could connect with this poem. It's really hard for me to narrow it down to just a few emotions that you were going through because if you've ever been through it, you would know that there are quite a few more that are mixed in with the main ones. Good job.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

FORUM

(ASR)
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#1814944 by River

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14 days may be credited.

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#3614737

Review of Behind Her Mask

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello rebecca drennan

,

I'm Missy and I found this poem on "Please Review"

.

This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.

The poem: This poem is about a woman hiding her true feeling from the world. She goes about her life showing all those around her what they expect to see, but when she is alone, she is able to be her true self, and give in to the pain in her heart.

Observations/suggestions:

The first thing that caught my attention was the meter of your poem. I counted the syllables, and they were inconsistent which caused it not to flow as smoothly as it should. The lines range from 6 to 10 syllables, but quite a few of them were at 8, and that seemed to work well for this poem. You may want to focus on each stanza, adding or subtracting a word where you need to.

This is where the count is the most inconsistent.
What a pretty
Mask she’ll wear
Inviting smile
Skin so fair

Lips pale pink
Sweetly grin
Her voice is soothing
Like a violin

I would suggest something like:
What a pretty
Mask she will wear
Inviting smile
And skin so fair

Her lips pale pink (Her pale pink lips)
Do sweetly grin
Voice soothing
Like a violin

Thoughts/feelings: The title suits this poem very well. You stay consistent with the subject throughout the piece, giving the reader a glimpse into her public and private feelings and actions. I enjoyed reading your poem. It's a very emotional piece and while I was reading it, I could understand what she was going through. I've been there a few times myself, so I know how it feels. You did a good job with making the lines rhyme without if feeling forced. I liked how you used the first four stanzas to show how she presents herself to the world, and the rest to show the side of her that only her mirror sees. I didn't find any mistakes with the grammar and since punctuation is by choice, I couldn't find anything wrong with that. Your form is good and consistent, each line capitalized. This was a nice read. Good job.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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45

#3608416

Review of The Haunted Mansion

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello Sandy~HopeWhisperer

,

This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

The story: Arial spent a lot of time visiting her grandmother in Mississippi. Her grandmother allowed her to play wherever she liked except of an old rundown mansion that people in the area believed to be haunted. As she grew up, she dreamed of the old house and wondered if the stories were true. When she was grown, her grandmother had been moved into a nursing home, and while visiting her, Arial decided that she would finally go to the mansion and check it out for herself. It was deserted and grown up. She found a way inside and was engulfed in darkness. She heard a voice that seemed to help her find her way and lead her to a specific room of the old house. The voice led her to an amulet, and beckoned her to take it and protect it. Before she could find her way back out, she grew more frightened, and looking in her pocket for her rosary to comfort her, she found it gone. A fog surrounded her, and just when she thought she would die there, her hand grasped a vial of holy water that she had gotten a few weeks before. She opened it and splashed the fog which disappeared.

Observations/suggestions:

home.She could explore to her heart's content.She (You need a space between both of these periods and 'She'.)
could be heard at times in the night (Was this on any particular night? Any certain time?)
people had died under shady (you have an extra space between 'had' and 'died'.)
She was coming to visit with Grandmama a while at the nursing home she lived in now that she was unable to care for herself. ( This sentence seems to just run on and becomes a little confusing. You might can reword it into two sentences to help it flow better and easier to understand.)
posted as being Dogwood Drive (posted Dogwood Drive)
Who would have thought tree shade could make such a difference? (Consider putting this in italics to make it a thought.)
peeling white paint that had covered the mansion built with heart-pine cut from the land it was built on by Caleb Mason himself. (peeling paint that covered the mansion. Caleb Mason had built the house himself from the heart-pine that grew on the land.)
What made me think the front door would be open (use italics to show this as a thought. You can then do away with 'she said to herself as'. You can replace the rest of it with 'when she found...'.)
Stop being a baby (Italics for thoughts)
light that darned candle with she was clutching so tightly? (light the darn candle she gripped in her hand)
The voice had said she'd find something to light the candle with to her left, didn't it? (The voice didn't say anything about something to light the candle with. Does she just assume that was what it meant?)
housed in a velvet lined wooden box with the initials E. M. M. carved in the side. The stone gave off a red glow (How does she know the box is lined with velvet if she hasn't opened it? Where did the stone come from?)

I noticed that you used quite a few adverbs and adjectives. It's a good rule of thumb to not use them any more than you have to. They don't add anything to a story. I have found an article on using them that I think is very useful. I'm adding it for you to look at in case you want to learn more about avoiding them.

http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...

Thoughts/feelings: This has the makings of a really good horror story. An old haunted house is always a good place to start one. You never know what lies inside. I did find some things that I wanted to touch on besides the suggestions in the above section. I really didn't come away with feeling anything about the story. It's lacking a lot of missing details and information to draw me into the story and Arial's life. Everything you have written is a good base, you just need to fill in the gaps that are left, and draw out the fear and dread that she felt and the house gave off. You have some long sentences that I believe would give it more of an impact if they were shortened or divided into shorter sentences to speed up the pace so the reader doesn't get bored. I found it a little strange that she just happened to have a vial of holy water in her pocket that she just happened to know to throw on the fog. It wasn't believable. When you mentioned her being catholic, I felt that it was the wrong place to add that information about her background. It would have done better in the beginning when you were creating her character and her background. Once we had learned that about her in the beginning, it would have been more believable and made more sense that she was looking for her rosary. From the ending you have, there seems to be quite a bit more of the story to tell. You have introduce a new character, Father Frank, and have left the reader with the questions of what the amulet is, what it does, who it belonged to, and why she was chosen to receive it. You may also think about coming up with some more specific details to add to the ghost stories to give the reader reasons to believe that this is more than just a house that is supposed to be haunted. Did anyone see or feel anything strange when they were near the house?. Since this is a work in progress, I hope that I have given you some help and ideas to help you finish developing it into a great story.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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46

#3607992

Review of The Misunderstood Wolf and Three Pigs

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Happy Adore♥

,

This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

The story: This is a new twist on the old tale of the The Three Little Pigs. It gives a look into their lives and their individual personalities. Their mother wants them to move out because it is just too crowded with all of them living together, so one by one they find their own homes and set to work on fixing them to suit their tastes. The big bad wolf is portrayed as a misunderstood door to door salesman who doesn't have much luck when it comes to making the sale. One by one he visits each one of their homes hoping to sale them specific items that he believes they would want. With the first one he fails. When he scopes out the second one, he finds a heartbreaking surprise. With the last one, his luck seems to turn around, and he believes that at long last, he has found true love, but it seems that before the relationship can go very far, it will be doomed.

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this story. it's a nice twist to an old tale. I enjoyed the way you gave each of the pigs their own personality and lives. The fact that you mad the wolf into a misunderstood character was very funny. You seemed to move things right along with the original version, while adding great details that separated it from something normal, into something fun. The only thing I have to comment on is that while I was reading it, it felt a little stiff. You may can soften it up and help the flow by changing things like I am, do not, etc. to I'm, don't, etc. I couldn't help but feel also that it could use more detail to help the flow because it moves from one thing right into another without seeming to end one part before beginning the next one. I would have liked to have gotten to know all of the characters better, but did like the personality that you gave to Flowerina. It worked very nice that she had all of those friends, especially the female wolves. I liked that they were willing to beat up Ralph to protect her. You brought new life to this classic that I'm sure would entertain children of all ages.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

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#1814944 by River

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47

#3607965

Review of CHARLIE HEART

for entry "CHAPTER TEN: SHEILA PERKINS"

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hello Charlie Heart

,

This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

The story: In this chapter, Charlie wakes to Ginger preparing breakfast. But before he can enjoy his meal and company, there is a knock at the door. It's the elusive Mrs. Perkins who has come to call. It seems that Cassie has changed Mrs. Perkins mind about Charlie. During their conversation, Charlie realizes what Cassie has been up to, and why he hasn't heard back from her.

Observations/suggestions:

falls the her thighs (falls below her thighs)
my houses I’m afraid (my houses, I'm afraid)
squat dance naked in my apartment and (squat dance, naked in my apartment, and)
a little taken back (a little taken aback)
you are isn’t my (You are, isn't my)

Thoughts/feelings: What a turnaround and surprise. I liked how you keep adding things and bringing everything together. The chapters are short, but you seem to pack quite a bit into them. It's an easy read, and highly entertaining. So far I haven't seen anything that stands out as needing a lot of work. You have the occasional typo, and a few comma mistakes, but I can't find any thing else wrong. I was surprised enough when Mrs. Perkins came to see him, but to learn that after all of that snooping that Cassie did while Charlie was away, she used it to get to Mrs. Perkins life insurance policy before Charlie could. I'm enjoying the way you tell this story. It's keeping me on my toes throughout each chapter. I think it would do well if you publish it. It was nice to see that Ginger stayed over with him, and I bet that it was awkward when Mrs. Perkins showed up out of the blue. I had hoped that the sneaky little worm that he is, would have been able to get that policy, but I can just imagine what was going through his head when she told him about Cassie. Good job.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

FORUM

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#1814944 by River

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

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48

#3607552

Review of CHARLIE HEART

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello Charlie Heart

,

This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

The story: This is about a man named Charlie Heart who scams dying people out of their life insurance. He spends most of his time in hospitals and nursing homes, visiting the patients in hopes of finding just the right people to scam. he doesn't have a conscience, and isn't worried about the repercussions of his actions. He's cynical and heartless in his pursuit of money. He does have a few redeeming qualities when it comes to his friend Bruce.

Observations/suggestions:

Chapter 1
more annoyed of the flipping (more annoyed by the flipping)

Chapter 2
She is kind of girl (She is the kind of girl)

Chapter 3
a forty nine story high apartment building (a forty-nine story apartment building)
If anything in is this world (If anything in this world)

Chapter 6
about how his wife becoming (about his wife becoming)
To contrary belief Contrary to belief)
Hips, legs, should-blades (Hips, legs, shoulder-blades)
I am actually surprised to see her still standing there. You should find another way to let the reader know that this is not Cassie)
I work at nuclear (I work at a nuclear)
ramble when Im drunk (ramble when I'm drunk)
takes me big complete (takes me by complete)
on what she saying (on what she was saying)

Chapter 8
reading for amateur movie (reading for an amateur movie)
pointed to one general direction (pointed in one general direction)
He say he’s safe now (He says he's safe now)
tongue is un able to find (tongue is unable to find)
the midgets get up (the midgets gets up)
control her their lives (control of their lives)

Chapter 9
a little taken back (a little taken aback)
actually a good at it (actually good at it)
hovers above you lips (hovers above your lips)
we remain crouch (we remain crouched)
trying to through me over (trying to throw me over)
thick lips into mine (thick lips onto mine)

You should go back and check your comma placement throughout these chapters.

Thoughts/feelings: This is a really unique story. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it. I mean that in a good way. I honestly didn't know what to expect after the first chapter, but I obviously couldn't stop reading it since I have already gone through half of your chapters in this review. I couldn't find anything major wrong with it except small little little things that I noted above. I was just going to jump to a chapter and review it, but after some thought, I decided that it might be best to at least read through it and find out a little bit about what it was about. I'm glad I did, otherwise I wouldn't have had a clue about some important things in chapter 9 that could have been confused for mistakes. You change the point of view a couple of times, but after I read through it again, I realized that this wasn't a mistake. It was actually linked to the seminar in chapter 8. I thought that was a great way to tie the chapters together and remind the reader of his experience. So far it seems that this may be an important part of the story, and will begin a major change that he will go through. Against my better judgment, I honestly have to say that I like Charlie, and I'm hoping that he will find some meaning in his life. You have done a good job of writing it so far, and I look forward to reading the rest of the story.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

FORUM

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#1814944 by River

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14 days may be credited.

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#3604924

Review of Phone Calls and Conversations

Review by Missy ~ Enjoyin...

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello elizjohn

,

I'm Missy and I chose to review this piece of your writing because found it on the Review Request page and thought I would help you out with a review.

This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.

The story: This story is about two different families be connected by one tragic event. It seems to be told in two parts. One from each family's point of view on the events that have taken place regarding the tragedy. In the first part, a mother receives a phone call from he son Joe telling her that her other son, Cyrus is dead. The mother is grieving at her loss but is also feeling guilty because she wasn't there. The pain of watching Cyrus die was too much for her to bear. Her son Joe tries to comfort her and ease her pain, guilt, and concerns. In the second part, a wife receives a call from her husband letting her know that Cyrus is dead. She is holding a picture of her daughter that she misses very much. She feels a sense of relief at knowing that Cyrus is dead, but also still feels anger and has unanswered questions, but in the end feels that justice was served.

Observations/suggestions:

stayed at his bedside the night (stayed at his bedside that night)
Tuesday the latest. (Tuesday at the latest.)
I don’t want any circus (I don't want a (it to be a) circus)
it was here where she would mark (This felt more like you are saying that she will mark their height instead of it being where she did mark their height.)
She wiped the tears that fell still (She wiped the tears that still fell)

You may want to consider going back through this story and taking a closer look at your comma placement. I noticed quite a few that I had questions about. I also noticed that you used a lot of adverbs throughout the piece. I have found a great article that deals with adjective and adverb uses that I have found helpful. I'm passing it along to you in case you could find it helpful too.

http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...

Thoughts/feelings: This was a touching piece from both sides of the event. I enjoyed the way that you separated it as two different events that also came together to form one complete picture of the tragedy. I did feel that there was still quite a bit of the story left to tell. I was left with quite a few unanswered questions about exactly what Cyrus had done that killed the girl and how this led to his execution. Without some of this background, I was left wondering if he was even guilty of the crime since Paul made the comment that he maintained his innocence until the end. I felt that the tense and point of view suited the piece and lent to the emotional impact and my feeling about the characters and the events. You did a good job with the dialog as a whole. I found it believable throughout both parts, but I did question some of conversation between Sabrina and Paul, but I didn't have much to go by to determine how long it had been since their daughter was killed except for one mention of a decade at the end. Had they had enough time to get past the worst of their grief? You did a good job with the details. I could imagine each character and their actions. You did a good job of painting the picture of each person and their individual grief. Even though you did a good job with writing these parts, I felt that there was still more to the story. With the back story filled in, I believe that it can be even better. You have a nice writing style that made it easy to read.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.

FORUM

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#1814944 by River