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26
26
Review of Legacy  
Review by Rose Miavirre
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name, which I chose mostly because Michelle doesn't have a High Fantasy feel to it *Cool*).


Disclaimer 1: These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way. *Smile*

Disclaimer 2: I have never reviewed a blue/yellow case before because it is pretty obvious that you guys probably know what you are doing.... so take everything I say with a grain of salt *Smile* and blame yourself for requiring reviews in order to participate in the Birthday Caper *Pthb*

*Puzzle1*Plot
There are some wonderful morals worked into this story. The power of intellect always triumphs over brute force. The importance of not underestimating the value something you don't understand. And certainly, never judge a book by it's cover *Pthb*

*Puzzle2*Characters
I liked that the main character started off as indignant, and frustrated at his father only to turn around and do the same thing to his son. So often that is true in life. I also thought it was nice that you pointed out how easy it is to complain about something (the living environment and food situation) but that all problems are relative and they could always be worse (dead, instead of dealing with stale jerky etc).

I would liked to have another character with some personality but I seems you were working with a word limit so I can how that wouldn't be possible.

*Puzzle4*Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
                             __________

I had tried to convince my mother and father to send my good for nothing younger brother Gaius in my place, but after hearing the unfortunate news of Lord Damara's eldest son being dismembered by a band of savages last year (and realizing that his second eldest son was now embarking with my group), it became clear that the oldest in the family wasn't necessarily the sole heir so much as the first in what could be – depending on the size of the family and their luck in the Outer Realm – a very long line of heirs. - This sentence was hard for me to keep straight in my head. With the non-essential clause set off by the set of commas, and the comment in the parentheses and then the dashes.... *Confused* Also, I noticed that you start with "I tried to convince them but.... " and you never disclose why he couldn't convince them. I thought briefly that you might have meant that Lord Damara's predicament was why they realized that all would not be lost if the main character died, but surely the parents have lived in this land long enough to know the perils of the Outer Realm and realized 2nd, 3rd, and 'n'th sons inherit all the time. *Pthb* Anyways, I would suggest:
I had tried to convince my mother and father to send my good-for-nothing younger brother Gaius in my place. Unfortunately, after hearing that Lord Damara's eldest son had been dismembered by a bad of savages last year and that his second eldest son was going to embark for the Outer Realm with my group, it became clear that I wouldn't have any luck convincing them. It made me realize that the oldest son in the family didn't have to be the heir. Instead, the oldest son was simply the first in what would probably be – depending on the size of the family and their luck in the Outer Realm – a very long line of heirs.

At any rate, it definitely explained why so many of the houses prided themselves on having many, many sons. With the number of sons who didn't return, it wasn't hard to understand why the regents would desire half a dozen sons or more, hoping that at least one of them would survive to inherit the house. - I know these two sentences really aren't the same at all... but they sort of sound the same the first time you read them, as though the second sentence is just repeating what the first is saying but in a slightly different way. I would suggest With the number of sons who didn't return, it was easy to see why the regents would desire half a dozen potential heirs--or more--simply because it might require that many in order to have one son survive the Outer Realms. Indeed, many regents would boast about the number of sons that belonged to their house, for the larger the number the more likely their house was to stay in the family. or some such thing (I'm not sure what happens to houses with no heirs....

I considered leaving it behind in favor of something more practical, but with my entire family watching me prepare for the journey with morbid fascination, I couldn't very well leave the one thing behind that my father had given me. - It's a nitpicky thing... but you used with twice in a short period of time. Person preference leads me to suggest "I considered leaving it behind in favor of something more practical, but with my entire family watching me prepare for the journey--no doubt due to morbid fascination, I thought to myself--I couldn't very well leave the one thing behind that my father had given me. or I considered leaving it behind in favor of something more practical, but morbid fascination had motivated my entire family to watch while I prepared for my journey and as such, I couldn't leave behind the one thing that my father had given me unless I wanted to incur his wrath.

Three of us fell in that first attack before we were sufficiently capable of defending ourselves and able to repel them. It wasn't easy, but our combat training and superior weapons allowed us the advantage over their crude technology, once we were on even ground. - this almost makes it sound like "It wasn't easy once we were on solid ground, but" I would suggest It wasn't easy but once we were on solid ground our combat training and superior weapons allowed us to defeat them with their crude technology.

Still, three of us wouldn't even make it to the keep alive, and I noticed – with more sadness than I had anticipated – that I sincerely hoped Lord Damara's third son would succeed where his brothers had failed. - You didn't actually explicitly state that the son was dead, instead it reads "I noticed that I sincerely hoped Lord Damara's third son...." also, it is mentioned earlier that Lord Damara's eldest son died, so he was now sending his second eldest son, not his third. I would suggest ....I noticed -- with more sadness than I had anticipated -- that Lord Damara's son was among the dead. I had sincerely hoped this second son would succeed where his brother had failed. or if you didn't want to say he died, maybe use 'realized' instead of 'noticed'?

I read the book cover to cover that night. It was filled with an incredible amount of information, both practical advice and personal thoughts, describing their hopes and fears as they struggled to survive and lost other sons, many of whom they had befriended out here. - the use of the words sons is a tab confusing given that this is coming from the main character's father and grandfathers etc. I would suggest ...struggled to survive and mourned for the lost members of their group whom they had befriended during their trials.

__________



I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart *Suitheart* and write on! *Writing*


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
27
27
Review of The Opal Isle  
Review by Rose Miavirre
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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I really like the way you use words and think the story idea is interesting. I also liked the interaction between Bryce and Garrod, and the overall character of Garrod.

Unfortunately, this story was hard for me to read. Sure, there are a lot of mistakes but that was not what bothered me. What made this difficult for me to read was all of the really long sentences. Too often you extend your sentences using commas, semi-colons, and dashs. I think the following quote from Gary Provost might help you understand where I am coming from:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.

So, I'm not saying you can't use long sentences, but I would advice using them sparingly and let your readers rest in between them :)

Anyways, onto my suggestions/corrections. Please note that all of these are just my opinions and not always right *Pthb*

Underneath the crisp blue sky the colours of the newly turned stones were so rich that a person could be forgiven for mistaking this glistening and wet gravel for emeralds, rubies and other precious stones. - I love the beauty you are creating in the introductory paragraph, but I would suggest mentioning a sunrise or sunset, as the wet gravel should reflect the colors around it, and the only color mentioned was blue. Possibly something like "...a person could be forgiven for mistaking this glistening wet gravel for precious stones; ruby and topaz in the early morning, when the fire of sunrise caressed the skies... etc. etc." Unless the gravel itself is colored and if that is the case I think it should be mentioned (possibly something like, "the water revealed and amplified the newly turned stones inner beauty to the point that a person could be forgiven for mistaken glistening and wet gravel for emeralds, rubies and other precious stones").

It was a fresh, brisk winter morning and the waves were not alone in their violence; stood atop the shingle two men danced to the clash of metal. - I am pretty sure you don't need 'stood'. It doesn't sound right when it begins with that word but then the men 'danced' as well as 'stood'. Also, purely a personal opinion here, since this piece seems very lyrical, I would suggest using 'steel' instead of 'metal'. Thus, I would suggest "...atop the shingle, two men danced to the clash of steel."


His rival pressed his advantage with a flurry of blows; Bryce focused on the blade that sought his flesh, studying its movements – high, low, high, right – each strike was met with his own steel. - I am fairly certain that the ; should be a .

“You’re a real bastard, Garrod.” Bryce yelled, with a smirk on his face. - This is only an opinion... but if Bryce has just fallen onto the ground, due to a punch of epic proportions, would he really be able to yell? Also, Bryce smirking seems a tad off, since that is supposed to be a smug smile, and he doesn't have much reason to be smug atm (that I can see).

He had been assigned here to serve as the Master-at-Arms, but before that he had served in both the Parthian and Hesserian campaigns receiving high honours in both. - having 'he had served in both' and 'high honours in both' seems a little unnecessary. I would suggest "but before that, he had served in the Parthian and Hesserian campaigns and had received high honours in both."

mealy-mouthed - I'm not sure what this means to you, but I was unfamiliar with this expression.... so I googled it :) and the dictionary told me it means "avoiding the use of direct and plain language" which doesn't really seem to fit this sentence.

I’m afraid this old man needs to find a fire and a cup of ale before he freezes into his armour.” - I believe 'into' should be 'onto'. I realize he is in armour, but frozen into armour sort of implies that he with merge into the metal (to me anyways).

This was the last watchtower in service in the West and in the memory of men no threat had ever come from across the Cerulean Sea. - I don't really understand this "and in the memory of men no threat had ever come from across the Cerulean Sea." so I can't begin to tell you how to fix it... but I think the sentence might benefit from a comma and rewording.

Westerland folktales claimed that there was a land without sun populated by strange shadowmen beyond the horizon, but no expedition that had returned had ever reported finding land. And yet it was alleged the by the scholars of Rivean, greatest of the chronicle halls, that the towers were older even than the empire itself; that records existed showing them having been manned over a millennia ago. - Once again this is more of a personal pet peeve than anything else. I don't like the way 'had returned had' sounds, also there is a 'the' in the following sentence that needs to be removed. I would suggest "but none of the returning expeditions had ever reported finding such a land. And yet it was alleged by the scholars of Rivean--the greatest of all the chronicle halls--that the towers..."

He had been told the legends of the tower of a child of course; that it stood over five hundred spans high, was whiter than bleached bone and made from a material stronger than steal. - steel :)


“Ha! What’s the point?” Jaxon snorted, “A few more months and we’ll be off this rock. The most action you’re every likely to see is wrestling a randy heifer back home. Anyway, I did have something to tell you” that annoying smirk was affixed to his face again, “Old John Dory wants to see you, apparently he has some tasks for you” he said barely suppressing the jeering laughter that now broke forth. - generally you want to avoid intermingling dialog and description like this. It gets a little confusing and looks odd. I would suggest:

"Ha! What's the point?" Jaxon snorted derisively, "A few more months and we'll be off this rock. The most action you’re every likely to see is wrestling a randy heifer back home."

Bryce dismissively waved a hand in Jaxon's direction and started toward the barrack.

"Hey! I did have something to tell you." Jaxon called out again, that annoying smirk affixed to his face once more. "Old John Dory wants to see you, apparently he has some tasks for you."

Sighing, Bryce ignored Jaxon's jeering laughter as he trudging to the storehouse.

or something similar :)

However, with commander being a senile old man, Flarid was the effective leader of the sorry lot. - It should be 'the commander' or 'Commander' - in which case Commander would be both the person's position and name.

Around him the five or six men that had also been asleep began to rouse. He tried to recall whose watch it had been – depending upon the hour it had to be Richtor’s or Brenyr’s, whichever one it was had being ringing the bell furiously for a good few minutes by now and was clearly rattled. - I don't think Bryce would be able to tell the guard was rattled by how the bell was being rung, thus I would suggest "depending upon the hour it had to be Richtor's or Brenyr's. Regardless of who was furiously ringing the bell, they had been at it for a good few minutes by now and were probably rattled."

Bryce ran out and grabbed Jaxon by the arm, “What’s going on?” he demanded – Jaxon seemed near hysterical and Bryce had to shake him to get his attention. - Bryce and Jaxon didn't seem to be friends at all. Why would Bryce grab Jaxon of all people?

From the darkness beyond the blackhouse leapt a creature of such staggering ebony it made Bryce’s eyes sting. It grabbed John Dory’s head and twisted, turning it to such a horrifying angle Bryce almost threw up. - I would imagine something could be so white it would make your eyes sting, but not something black. I would suggest "a creature of such impenetrable ebony, it hurt his eyes trying to focus on it."

As he examined this fairytale, more of the shadow creatures began to overrun the muddy courtyard, appearing from every shady corner. - Unless he is actually examining (thinking about) the fairytale in his mind, than I think you should add 'creature' after fairytale.

he was not sure when he had drawn his sword but the blade was bear and in his hands. - I'm pretty sure it should be 'bare' instead of 'bear'

In the quiet of the stairwell without their own running there was even worse news, echoing from the darkness below they could hear the slap-slap-slap of wet feet hitting the steps below and they were getting closer. - I would suggest "There was even worse news, now that they had stopped running it was easy to hear the slap-slap-slap of wet feet hitting the steps in the darkness below--and they were getting closer."

Fighting back tears he could manage only one word, “Ok”, he said with palpable resignation, “But I don’t have to leave you in darkness”. - My only problem with this is the fact that he could only managed one word.... but then nine more? I agree that it sounds nice, but I would suggest:

"Fighting back tears he could manage only one word, "Okay"

Bryce turned to continue on, but after a glance back at Garrod he couldn't do it. Bryce hurried back to Garrod's side, tearing off his vest as he went. "I might have leave you... but I don't have to leave you in darkness."

With that he set the vest alight with his torch and he jammed behind the railing running around the tower.

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28
28
Review of Lawless  
for entry "Chapter One" 
Review by Rose Miavirre
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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I liked the fact that you started the story off with a brief paragraph letting the reader know you were introducing a new world, then dropping into an action scene. It is much more exciting to open it that way than it would be to start it off with long description of the world.

I think you have a good idea here, but it is a little rough around the edges. However I really enjoyed the tale in spite of that :) so I encourage you to write on :D

I have listed my suggestions and/or opinions below:


There were a lot of things you needed to know instead, like where you could find the nearest safe house before nightfall, or how to tell whether a geyser was going to spew lava or the valuable dietrite, used commonly as currency. - I would suggest a small word change to make the sentence flow better "...valuable dietrite--a commonly used currency."

After an entire minute had passed with no sign of the door opening, Jake looked over his should anxiously. - small typo :) replace 'should' with 'shoulder'.

“Oi!” he wheezed. “I’m not as young as you, you know. If you insist on doing that, some day I’m going to dr-" - I would suggest changing 'you know' to 'ya know', since it's a conversation I think that would be acceptable and a little more authentic.

"...Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t got here before night!” - I would suggest using 'nightfall' or 'sunset' instead of 'night'. Also, if you want Jake's speech to be longer than one paragraph, I am pretty sure that you need to use quotation marks to open the speech and at the beginning of each new paragraph in his monologue, but the only quotation mark at the end of a paragraph should be at the end of the speech (if that makes any sense...).

I’m not always going to be so lucky, and I’ve got to at least be prepared. - I would suggest moving that 'at least' forward, "I've at least got to be prepared for it."

Next time you better tell me about stuff like this, or at least drop in some sort of extra danger fee!” - a few sentence before this Jake is saying "You have got to tell me things like this before you send me on such a dangerous mission" so this sentence feels a bit redundant. I might change this too "If this happens again, I'm charging you an extra, and very pricy, fee!" or something similar :)

This was the only time that Jake could really think clearly, that he could let his mind wander without a distraction or task to draw him away. - Considering that you are talking about allowing a mind to wander, I think replacing 'away' with 'back' would fit the idea better.

Hiding behind a crumpled marble pillar, he gently looked around it, only to snap his head back. - I think cautiously, slowly, or carefully might fit better than gently does in this sentence.

She wore the loose and practical clothes of a runner on the Old World, holding what looked vaguely like the standard metal canister, the same one that he had. - I think "similar to the one that he had retrieved for Erin." might sound better than "the same one that he had."

She obviously didn’t know how hide, for sure - this sounds a tad clumsy to me, I would suggest "She sure didn't know how to hide." or "It was obvious that she didn't know how to hide"

With practiced ease, Jake walked up behind the closer goon punched him directly in the head. - I would suggest "the closer of the two goons and..." or "the goon closest to him, and swung at the back of his head..."

Jumping back, he dodged blows from the enraged grunt, backing up as he did. - It seems that the "jumping back" and "backing up" should not be part of the same sentence. I would suggest something like "Jake had to jump back to avoid it. The enraged grunt continued his assault, making Jake concentrate on dodging the blows while continuing to move backward." or just deleting one of them.

Through the haze of his vision, he say the other man catch up to him, a cruel smile on his face. - Since you just used vision in the previous sentence I don't it is necessary to use it again, I would suggest "Through the haze, Jake saw the goon lean over him, a cruel smile on his face."

The smell of acrid burning filled the air. - This does not say what is burning and acrid describes a smell, so I would suggest "The acrid smell of burning flesh filled the air."

Jake coughed, shook his head to clear his vision, and pushed the heavy body on top of him away as he laboriously got to his feet. - I feel that this is a bit cumbersome, I would suggest "pushed the heavy body off of him, before laboriously getting to his feet."

“And for the record, I didn’t need you help me either. ” - you are missing a 'to' :)

Maybe this is something that will be explained later, but in case it is an oversight I'll mention it. Why is Jake so concerned about getting inside before nightfall if he is just going to go back out into it?
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29
Review by Rose Miavirre
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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This is a little rough, but I did enjoy the story. I liked the relationships and banter shared between the characters. I have a few suggestions listed below :) and thought I should point out that { i } is used to italicize on this website not < i >.

"You are past twenty years and yet you still have the determination to learn of a pup." - The wording here is a little confusing, I would suggest "...yet your determination to learn is still that of a pup."

"even he understood to keep himself neat for today" - I would suggest "even he understood that he needed to keep himself neat today."

Besric had already begun to file the books back onto the bookcase shelves around the room, his habits of organisation keeping the study neat when otherwise those few who used it left books scattered, even though looking after the royal study was not one of his official duties as Bookmaster – being officially tasked instead with looking after a larger collection.
- Whoa, this is a long sentence. You might want to consider making it two separate sentences. Possibly something like this "Besric had already begun to file the books back onto the bookcase shelves around the room. It was his habits of organization that kept the study neat, when those who used the room left the books scattered everywhere. Besric didn't seem to mind though, in spite of the fact that keeping the royal study neat was not one of his official duties as Bookmaster – those duties were to look after the larger collection."

"and though their natures clashed at times, Cepnir could easily see why he had been chosen." - I would use 'while' instead of 'though', since you started this sentence with 'though' also.

Werewolves were beginning to move into the hall to watch and Cepnir moved along the balcony to the stairs at the back of the hall. - Yes more nitpicking from me :P I would replace the second 'move' with 'walked'.

"Can we change subject, I'm uneasy enough as it is." - I think a question mark would work better than a comma, given that it is a question.

Evol and Tresca had joined Besric as they moved to a place by the dais. - Earlier Tresca told Cepnir that he needed to go, but the way it was worded seems weird now, consider that Evol and Tresca also needed to go. Just something to look at :)

All of the other recruits that Ipnac had chosen had been nervous as well but as Cepnir looked at him he realised that he was more confident than the other five had been. - Just a suggestion for a change in wording "But this was not unusual, all of the other recruits that Ipnac had chosen had been nervous as well... in fact Cepnir realized that this new recruit seemed more confident than the other five had been."

Rucetir rose and Ipnac collected a sword from the servant holding it raised and horizontal and gave it to Cepnir in the same manner. - I'm not sure exactly what this means but based on my idea I think it should be worded "Rucetir rose and Ipnac collected a sword from the servant who held it carefully by the blade in a horizontal position. Ipnac presented the sword to Cepnir in the same manner."

"The only magic that comes to mind that could have spooked them like this would have been noticed by at least someone" - the "at least" in this sentence doesn't seem necessary.

Though she was dressed modestly and was at that point reddened by the wine, Cepnir could not help but find her beautiful. - I would suggest "Though she dressed modestly and was currently flushed from the wine, Cepnir found it did little to detract from her beauty."

If you think I was too opinionated, or too much of a grammar/spelling Nazi in my review, then please feel free to return the favor and review my story :)

Write on :) and I will look forward to reading it.




30
30
Review by Rose Miavirre
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the overall story :) but I think it needs to be elaborated on. Obviously a little back story into Charmides would be nice, possibly an explanation of why he was so infatuated with Athena or why he would do what he did if he truly believed she was a Goddess etc. Maybe it is just me but I would think the ending might be a little more believable (or acceptable?) if Scythrope had seen Charmides before in life and wanted to sing for him but knew she couldn't and then seeing him floating to her would give her hope and then it would be snatched away again (I guess what I am trying to say is falling in love with someone who is dead seems just a bit odd). Overall though the story does have a very Odyssey/Iliad feel to it.
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