Rose Miavirre's (mnkarl) Reviews

Rose Miavirre

Review Requests: OFF

98 Public Reviews Given

100 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3649722

Review of The Memorable Day

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon

This is one of the reviews you won in Invalid Item

Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and share thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies

Overall

This story is quite tragic, actually, and yet it contains hope for the future (possibly...). It did remind me of the race scene in the last (or was it second to last...?) Back to the Future movie.

Plot

The mother's concern, and the girl's casual disregard of it, nicely sets the scene for this story. I really loved the way the tension between Billy and Ted was so evident, and yet so subtly given to the reader.

(But then, I just read a book from an author I used to love and was horrified by the fact that I was told everything XD so this was especially gratifying.)

Characters

Interestingly, the answer to Betty Jean's internal question about Billy's love can't really be answered conclusively at the end of the story. However, given the fact that the root of Billy's love for his car is probably pride, and pride is the cause of the alteration with Ted (which, in turn, placed Betty in danger) I would say that I am leaning towards the car... but, of course, he put the car in danger too

Scene/Setting

I liked the vocabulary used, as it gave more substance to this sort piece and helped bring it to life

Grammar/Spelling
&
Suggestions/Opinions

Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same

__________

Day's like this should last forever. - Day's should be days

I would suggest adding additional line breaks when the time lapses forward (or back *phtb*. For example, adding space between the paragraph that begins with "Nooooo" and the paragraph that begins with "breath of morning".

__________

Regardless of the rating you received with this review, rest assured that I enjoyed your writing!

Reviewing takes a lot of time, so I only review items which I think have great potential.

Take heart and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

2

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14 days may be credited.

#3646731

Review of Beneficence

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon

This is one of the reviews you won in Invalid Item

Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and share thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies

Overall

Rather dark, which was not something I was expecting. I suppose I was hoping for a happier ending *shrug* but nonetheless a gripping read.

Plot

It starts out slow, and you are introduced to the rather saddening life of the good-hearted Bertie. I must say, I was not expecting the twist that came when she saw her son in the mist. The outcome of the deal was expected, though the intervention was not. The ending was interesting in the fact that the story ended right where the story began, with no change actually occurring within the piece. I think my only suggestion would be having a dog appear out of the mist. Not some strange Jessie-like dog, but a companion given as a gift for her strength of character..... but I'm a softie, and I feel for Bertie

Characters

Bertie is an easy to empathize with old lady. She has seen many trials in this world, but is not yet cynical enough to discount miracles. Her strong love is really the main feature of her character.

Scene/Setting

Starting with the fog and quiet morning nicely sets the stage for a morose story and, looking back, I now see that it can also be taken as an ominous sign of things to come.

Grammar/Spelling
&
Suggestions/Opinions

Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same

__________

"Mac," her husband – her inspiration – had been killed in Iraq soon after his National Guard unit had been called to active duty and deployed. - Unless Bertie said Mac aloud (in which case, I would suggest tabbing it down to be the start of its own paragraph) I would suggest removing the "'s.

Unconsciously, she set the cup down, removed her glasses, and wiped them on her apron before returning her attention to the dark splotch that was playing hide-and-seek with the mist .- I could see Bertie unconsciously dropping her glass, or even absentmindedly setting it down, but I doubt you can unconsciously take off your glasses and wipe them off. It was a conscious decision on her part, attempting to ascertain whether or not she was seeing things.

Bertie found that she was running across the yard toward where she had seen the figure. - This seems like a rather removed sentence, considering the subject matter and what had just occurred. I might suggest, "Bertie's breath hitched painfully in her chest as the figure disappeared. Pain surfaced, and she was once again reliving the pain of his death. Suddenly, her body was moving. She was in the middle of the yard, her legs hurtling her forward as fast as they could.".

__________

Regardless of the rating you received with this review, rest assured that I enjoyed your writing!

Reviewing takes a lot of time, so I only review items which I think have great potential.

Take heart and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

3

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14 days may be credited.

#3628778

Review of Me, Myself, and Madness

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Lilian Penn

First, on behalf of WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

, let me say,

"Welcome to WdC!"

Disclaimer

These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Now, on to the good stuff

Impression

Wow. This was definitely creepy... which is what you were going for, I think, so congrats

I think this piece is very incredible even though it is short. I can relate in someways, though never to this extreme degree. There are days when I am not sure why I act the way I do, as though some other 'me' is in charge (and, no, I do not have multiple-personality disorder

). Just a different way of looking at the "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" saying, I suppose.

My single favorite line

"The sadistic grin is that of insanity and darkness, of diabolical destruction."

Suggestions

I am sitting at home at two in the morning watching some late night television. - I think this sentence could use some commas. I would suggest "I am sitting at home, at two in the morning, watching some late night television."

The two lamps that are illuminating fade from a brilliant gold to a revolting green. The whole room is now bathed in their green glow. - The first sentence kind of leaves "illuminating" hanging, IMO. I would suggest, "The two lamps that illuminate the room fade from a brilliant gold to a revolting green, bathing everything in the a ghostly glow."

It’s too much. It’s too much! - As this is a thought, I would suggest using italics.

I notice that on her left wrist is an old, rustic broken shackle. Like she had escaped imprisonment. - I am pretty sure you didn't mean 'rustic', maybe 'rusted?'

Her eyes gaze into mine, and I see the deps of her evil are endless. - 'deps' should be 'depths'.

So this is what it’s like to be consumed by your own insanity. I think as black patches smear themselves across my vision. - The period after 'insanity' should be a comma. I also think a comma should be placed after 'think'. Also, if you want to highlight the first sentence as a thought, you can use italics.

Another suggestion would be to double space the lines of text, or use indents, just to make it easier to read.

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Why don't you pop in and take a look at WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction ? It's a lot of fun with plenty of good Christmas cheer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3612561

Review of The Zombie ACTIVIST

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 13+

| (1.0)

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Hello Cobwebby Space Reader Reindeer

!

Another Zombie activist joins the group. Welcome my friend!

This part was delicious:
Eatin' sweet crunchies
Bones crack, Gore drips
Ooooh soft brains
Researchers are good for this!

Mmmm.... soft gooey brains....

I'd this part:
Maybe the orange text.... but I'm not a fan of orange

Overall:
I greatly enjoyed your zombie poetry

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3611435

Review of Zombie Acitvists

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

Zombie poetry is coming to an end... What sadness.... maybe we should protest that!

This part was delicious:
Party time was near
After a day of marching
Zombies ate dull brains

When you get down to it, dull brains is better than no brains...

I'd this part:
The chanted to the humans...

I think you are missing a y... though I understand the y behind the chanting

(Yes, I know, it's a horrible pun).

Overall:
You convinced me! I'll join the Brain Food for Tasty Brains movement!

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

6

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14 days may be credited.

#3609871

Review of new fears

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 13+

| (1.0)

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Hello Rhyssa

!

Actually, I'm out of superglue... I used my last bit setting traps in a cave with lovely bat specimens... can I borrow some of yours?

This part was delicious:
'Cause even though my rotten limbs
are difficult to tether
some dental floss and superglue
will stitch me back together.

So that's what floss is for!! pure brilliance...

I'd this part:
I'd suggest throwing out the " what ifs " and replacing it with " 'what if's "

Overall:
I really enjoyed the fun of this poem... I kid you not I was giggling in my seat

but now I'm off, before the ferrets come back {e:sneaks away}

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

7

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3607205

Review of A Good Zombie Fright

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

quite true! If I was stuck between Lady Gaga singing and a horde of zombies, I'm not sure I could chose which fate would be worse

This part was delicious:
How you managed to change a children's Christmas story into a zombie's horror story!

I'd this part:
Kesha.

It's not what you think! (okay maybe it is...) but also Kesha doesn't rhyme with horror (I'm guessing you knew that and couldn't find a better substitute, but I had to point it out so I would have an excuse to

her

).

Overall:
Delightfully horrible

This shiny example of horrible zombie poetry deserves an equally shiny star!

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

8

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14 days may be credited.

#3606666

Review of a zombie hangover

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Rhyssa

!

Feel free to post random bad zombie poetry anytime

This part was delicious:
All of it

the rhythm and rhymes worked perfectly!

I'd this part:
Not a thing

Overall:
Loved it, here I'll let you have the ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I was saving for later..... it's not spiked, promise

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3604331

Review of Shadow Angels

for entry "PLAGUE"

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name

).
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies

Plot
You have certainly introduced a world that merits investigation. You revealed a few mysterious groups of people, which is a good way to invoke your audience's curiosity.

Characters
Typical cousins huh? Still family, but can't trust them to have your back

At the moment, I can't say much about character development. Your main character currently doesn't have a name, nor is much of her personality revealed. I will say that, for a trained killer who works for a group that wants to take over the world, she does seem to have a remarkable amount of uncertainty over her mission in life.

Scene/Setting
You have an interesting writing style, based almost solely on what your character is experiencing. It is very action oriented (which is not a bad thing

).

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in green.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same
___________________________________________________________________________________________

My thoughts kept jumping around, and my heart was beating a little bit faster than normal. But to be a true Plague member, I had to do this, convictions or no. Besides. It wasn’t like I could do anything but. - I don't think the first 'But' is necessary, however if you think it is I would suggest changing it to 'however'

Also I think I would change 'I could do anything but.' to something different. Overall I would suggest To be a true Plague member I had to do this, conviction or no. Besides, it wasn't like I had any choice in the matter.

I instantly ducked into the crowd, hastily making my way behind a group of teenagers. - I don't think 'instantly' is necessary, as I ducked into the crowd, hastily making my way... still conveys a sense of urgency, and does so without using both "instantly" and "hastily" in the same sentence.

The woman scanned the crowd, and I pulled down the hood to my coat a bit tighter, hopefully hiding the distinct mark that any Shade could point out in a heartbeat. - I would suggest I pulled down the hood of my coat a little farther, hopefully...

I pressed my front against a railing, leaning as far as I dared in an effort to limit any chance of being seen and show only my back. - Here you start in past tense "I pressed" then migrate to present tense "leaning" within the same sentence. I would suggest "I pressed my front against the railing and leaned out as far as I dared in an effort to limit any chance of being seen, this also made only my back visible to majority of the crowd.

I had lost sight of the woman. - Didn't the main character present her back to the possible Shadow Angel? How, then, did she lose sight of the woman? I would suggest I covertly glanced over her shoulder and scanned the crowd for the mysterious Shade, however she was no longer present. or something similar

“Hi.” I regarded the potential Shadow Angel with suspicious eyes. “How’s the day going for you?” Now that was a loaded question. The three common code words were, ‘cold’, ‘cloud’, and ‘out.’ The question I just asked was a basic identifier. Depending on her loyalties, the Shade should answer accordingly. - Usually it is advisable to not sandwich dialogue into the reminder of the text. Also I think "Now that was a loaded question" sounds like the thoughts of someone who was on the answering end of the loaded question not the one asking it. As such, I would suggest:
“Hi.” I regarded the potential Shadow Angel with suspicious eyes. “How’s the day going for you?”

It was a loaded question. The three common code words were, ‘cold’, ‘cloud’, and ‘out.’ The question I just asked was a basic identifier. Depending on her loyalties, the Shade should answer accordingly.

“It’s been wonderful talking to you.” I muttered graciously, albeit rather sarcastically. - Since graciously and sarcastically don't really go hand in hand, you need to pick one to express this sentence. I would suggest I muttered in an attempt at being gracious, however my sarcastic tone ruined it. or I muttered graciously, albeit my inner voice flavored the sentence with sarcasm which didn't reach my voice. or something like that.

But even as I raced off into the evening, someone had caught me. Caught me bad. - I would suggest changing or removing "Caught me bad." as it doesn't sound right and sort of suggests an uneducated speaker (unless that is what you are going for).

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

10

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14 days may be credited.

#3604282

Review of 'My Bad' Zombie Poems

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

Greetings from your fellow zombie poet.

This part was delicious:
These fun poems (

Fail) were written for the zombies.

I think all poems should be written for zombies

I'd this part:
Ooo, it that a grindstone I see? mind if I sharpen my

kthx

Overall:
A wonderful selection of zombie poetry here

here take this lovely

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

11

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14 days may be credited.

#3604273

Review of wasted beauty

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 13+

| (1.0)

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Hello spidey

!

Hello, fellow zombie poet

*waves and watches as a finger flies off* whoops, sorry about that *picks up finger and tucks it away*

This part was delicious:
Crunchy autumn leaves
Disintegrate underfoot

I find this to be a lovely surprise beginning... like lulling the victim into a false sense of security before bounding into the restroom stall and...

I'd this part:
Not a thing here to

... except, perhaps, restroom stall doors.

Overall:
Simply delightful, in a alluringly morbid way

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

12

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14 days may be credited.

#3603126

Review of Zombie Films Dreck

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 13+

| (1.0)

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Hello Cobwebby Space Reader Reindeer

!

You did this prompt on zombie movies and you left out Zombieland?!?

How could you? It's only the single best movie of its generation! (or degeneration, as it were)

...

....and also may be the only zombie movie I have ever seen.... but that matters not! It's not like I'm biased or anything...

Anyways... I've discovered that eating audiences is easier when they haven't been prepped by the contents of the movie

This part was delicious:
How fast we eat
and thirst for more!

Sounds like you were describing me

I'd this part:
No

from me.

Overall:
Awesome and an interesting take on a zombie's favorite movie. Personally, I get jealous when I set and watch zombie movies... which is probably why I haven't finished many of them

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

13

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14 days may be credited.

#3603073

Review of Twilight 3-D: A zombie favorite

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

Twilight is one of those love/hate things... here's hoping my review doesn't offend you... but don't worry, if it does, just let me know and I'll take a bite out of your prefrontal cortex

This part was delicious:
There's Edward starting to glow
And Jacob the dog

This might be the best description of Twilight that I've ever seen

(especially considering sparkle doesn't rhyme well

).

I'd this part:
No sense in wasting the show

as it implies that not watching the show is wasting the show

Overall:
Decidedly horrible and awesome

enjoy your star

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3600631

Review of Bonus zombie extra

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

Yes! the return of Rambo! I was so sad when they stopped production after the 265th movie... It didn't feel complete.

This part was delicious:
His camouflage green shirt is decorated in blood and guts...Nothing different there...But these days he positions himself with the zombie horde instead of the lively bunch he used to...Oh, never mind...He's always been a one man army!!

I think Rambo has been Zombo along, he just hid it better

I'd this part:
No need for my

here, unless you want some of this jungle brush cleared out.

Overall:
Great job!

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

15

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14 days may be credited.

#3600625

Review of Olympic 2012: Zombie Fast Food

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

Hehe, I had thought about the idea of fast food as fast people (complete with their yummy brains) but couldn't figure out where to go with it...

This part was delicious:
They'll wait until after each race, to avoid a fight.

Opportunistic and lazy... yup that sound like us zombies

I'd this part:
I don't see anything that needs to taste the blade of my

here...

Overall:
Awesome, beautiful, wonderful.... and it made me hungry...... Here, take your star, I'm off to the local gym

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

16

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14 days may be credited.

#3598550

Review of Zombies and Nature 'Back Woods' Haiku

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

Hmm raining blood... I think that idea

This part was delicious:
How pretty it all looks now
Green speckled with red

That's how I do Christmas decorations at my house

we also hang strings of entrails and weave garlands from scalps and-- whoops, sorry, got a little cared away

I'd this part:
Nothing to

, except maybe the zombies that aren't sharing the monkeys with me....

Overall:
Despite not mentioning the beloved delicacy--brains--this was a horribly awesome read

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

17

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14 days may be credited.

#3598315

Review of Lumas - Chapter 1

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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Hello Scarlet Black

, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name

) and I found your story on Please Review

.
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies

Plot
So far not much of the plot has been revealed. We (the readers) know that Lumas, Jake and Anne have some sort of connection given the prologue. It has also been hinted at that something paranormal is going to happen to them.

Characters
Lumas is a likeable character (and easy enough to relate to). I'd imagine we all have, at some point in time, feared for our lives when in the car with another (for me, it's my brother XD he is crazy, though not as crazy as Jake). Anyone who has gone to school and/or college understands to desire to grab an easy class and perhaps catch up in your hard classes in the easy class, and been dismayed when they realized their planned slacking will not be possible

Scene/Setting/Writing Style
I have noticed that you have a tendency to place antonyms next to each other and connecting them as though they mean the same thing. Examples: Lumas "causally and nervously" sat down and "nothing more peaceful or distressing than complete silence" from the Prologue.

You can't do something both causally and nervously (IMO), although you can be nervous and "try" to act casual. For me, it break the rhythm of your story, because I pause and try to figure out what "causally and nervously" would look like.

I don't mean to say you never can use antonyms together.... sometimes they can be used for a great effect, but you have to be really carefully when attempting it.

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in green.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Lumas grunted as he pushed his way through the bustling crowd of bustling students no doubt on their way to their bustling classes. - I would suggest removing one of the "bustling"s either completely or with a synonym.

At times like these, he felt that the school, in its design, was made for football players and sumo wrestlers who could easily push their way to class, not skinny, small, bespectacled teenagers like himself. - I would suggest tacking something like who constantly get shoved aside by the huge crowds. on to the end to explain why it is bad to be small/skinny. The reason I say this is because being thin and small often allows you to slip through a crowd without much difficulty

just something to think about.

What he did not expect was a petite, blond, mildly attractive girl staring at him intently from when he opened the door to when he casually and nervously sat in his chair. - If Lumas immediately assumes that he has somehow offended the blond, I would suggest replacing "staring" with "glaring", otherwise I would change "offend" in the next sentence to "interest" or something similar.

Jake, evidently having listened to this particularly exciting conversation, casually called out from across the room, - I would suggest Jake, who had evidently listened to this exciting conversation, called out from across the room, because having "evidently", "particularly" and "casually" all in the same sentence is a big much for me

Also, assuming the classroom is buzzing the conversation due to students catching up with others etc. how did Jake hear them from across the room? Just a thought to consider

He responded only with a shrug before taking his seat. - At this point in time I believe Lumas is already sitting

This was a throw away class. Everyone knew it. Lumas knew it because it was already apparent that Shire, though he seemed to love his various gizmos and equipment, he didn’t seem to have the social skills necessary to be able to aptly teach the class. Anne knew because that happened to be the only class available for her schedule when she walked into the school with one class mysteriously missing from her schedule. Jake knew it because, unlike Lumas or Anne, he was a senior and had sought and found the easiest class he could get. - Okay, I am no expert on POV/narrative changes, but it is usually a good idea to stick to only the thoughts from your main character's POV. We've seen the thoughts of Lumas up to this point (with the internal question about the blond's--Anne's--stare when he walked in the door and the wish to move forward in time), then you throw us into Jake's and Anne's thoughts. Now, instead of "being" Lumas we (the readers) are all three at the same time and that distances the reader from the main character. That said, there is nothing wrong with changing the POV in a book, but you should let the reader know what you are doing by providing a section break or a new chapter. As Lumas and Jake are friends, you could mention that Jake told Lumas his thoughts, but Lumas, at this point in time, knows nothing of Anne's thoughts.

Despite the constant threat to his life, Lumas found himself thinking back to that electronics class, where Anne had said those peculiar words, - I would suggest saying something like "to distract himself from the constant threat to his life..." as that seems more realistic to me

The area encouraged conformity, and so it was certainly confused as to why Lumas and his family chose to stay there. - hmmm, did you just give "the area" a personality/thought? I would suggestion using "The people in this area" instead of "The area" and I would also suggestion mentioning why they don't conform, because atm (aside from the weird dream) they seem pretty normal

You have two typos that I noticed - "lass" instead of "class" and "bread" instead of "break".

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

18

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14 days may be credited.

#3596784

Review of A Normal Guy

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

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Hi, Jay's debut novel is out now!

This is one of the three reviews you won from WDC Birthday Ice Cream Social 2018

Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies

Plot
It's a cute storyline, filled with goofiness and likeable characters.

The realization that we all have to grow up is difficult deal with, especially when trying to figure out how to retain what makes you you instead of putting all that behind to become the "perfect" adult. I think that might be why it is so hard to pick a degree/career, because what you want to do is not always sensible.

Characters
I really liked all the characters. Of course Neil is hilarious and, despite his rather dubious ideas, is a believable character to me. Albeit, definitely clinging to childish tendencies XD
I thought his grandfather was particularly well written/portrayed. Sort of the archetypical wise man who shakes his head, but chuckles a bit inside, at his grandson antics.

Scene/Setting
To me, the Infidel-thing made perfect sense (in an illogical sort of way...). However the Hula in the car seemed a bit off. I'm not sure if that is more because of the hokey reason the cop pulled them over or just the general oddness... Maybe it is a bit of both. I don't think the Hula thing would have bothered me if the cop was mad that they were trespassing somewhere they shouldn't in order to do "The Hula" properly.

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in green.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same
___________________________________________________________________________________________

I pick up anyway, thinking maybe I'm lucky. - I would suggest ...thinking maybe I'll get lucky.

I silently wonder what came of the breach in fly security but can't ask. - I would suggest ...but can't bring myself to ask. as 'can't ask' implies there is something wrong with her voice or something of that nature.

"Oh, that was dire." - seems like an odd thing for a kid to say. Now I can definitely see it in a joking sense, and considering the topic I think adding a 'ite (removing the 'qu' from quite) before dire might give this a more silly tone.

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#3591337

Review of Wild Rose (Chapter 1)

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name

).
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Disclaimer 1
These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and thoughts that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2
I use a lot of smilies

Plot
It is a rather common sort of plot (from what I've seen so far). But a common plot can be brought to life with interesting/funny/witty characters, so I wouldn't worry about that

I do like the idea of the Prince noticing her due to the lyrics, but I think it might enhance the story if the Prince's interest is music is mentioned beforehand.

Characters
Ari appears to me to be lighthearted and whimsical. So far, there is not much depth to her character, but this is the first chapter and it is rather short, so I don't think that is a problem.

Scene/Setting
I did enjoy the train-of-thought POV. It is not a common narration style but I believe you pulled it off well.

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in green.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remains the same
___________________________________________________________________________________________

My name is Ari, and I'm 16 years old, but I'm about to be 17 in a couple months. - Just to clean it up I would suggest removing the 16 year old comment and go with My name is Air, and in a couple of months I will be 17 years old.

I was raised up to a fair age and then thought...why don't I just live alone! Less of a burden and more time to read and write. What I don't understand is: why is it considered a bad thing for a lady to be educated!? But! I don't care, I don't care what the townsfolk think of me, I only do it for myself. - I would consider revising this part. First off why don't I just live alone! should have a '?' in place of or before the '!'. Second, wow would it be less of a burden to live alone? Usually if someone else is paying your way it is easier to stay with them (i.e. parents). In order to make this understandable her current living situation should be commented on. Otherwise, I would replace the beginning with I was raised up to a fair age and then was forced to make my own way in life. or something similar. I also would suggest removing the '!' after the 'But', however if you feel it is necessary to emphasize this, then I would change it to But, I don't care! I don't care what the townsfolk think of me...

It's like their a band of pirates, but they're kinda on their own will...taking over what they please, what a bunch of idiots. - The first their in this sentence should be they're . Also I do not think the 'but' is necessary, as I think pirates do follow their own will so this is not a contradiction of what pirates are. The ',' after please should be a '.' as Ari's comment is really not part of the pirates sentence.

Prince Marth is the current heir, the king died of some strange disease... - Someone is only an heir it they have not yet inherited

so since the Prince Marth's father died, Prince Marth is really King Marth. If you like referring to him as Prince Marth you could mention how it is hard to get used to the change and Ari still thinks of him as Prince Marth even though he is king.

Today is peaceful for some reason, the townsfolk are all in their homes calm and peaceful. - I generally advise that you don't use the same word twice in the sentence, unless you are trying to draw attention to something specific. I would suggest making one of the 'peaceful's with tranquil or a related word.

I walk past the baker's and the silk trader, I don't see why...but I've been known as a beauty around these parts, but I'm also known as a sin. - I think the comma after 'silk trader' should be a period because Ari walking past the merchants has nothing to do with the train of thought about her looks.

I'm actually sitting right next to the castle but really no one passes by here other than the guards and well....me. The Prince is sure to pass by here, but what am I to worry about, nothing really, I'll just continue on with the song. - I think it is odd that you say no one passes by here except Ari and the guards but then your next sentence you contradict yourself and say the Prince is sure to pass by.

I twist a lock of my black, long and curly hair and blink my big brown eyes in concentration. - This is just an opinion, but this seemed like a forced sentence in order to describe the appearance of Ari. I would suggest writing something about a ripple attracting her notice to the water in the fountain and then commenting on her appearance.

I groan when I lost sight of my papers, I turn around a corner towards the front entrance of the castle and stop dead in the middle, "Oh no!"I whisper in fright, the papers were gently clutched in the Prince's hands, and he was reading them! - I don't know if you realize this, but you made this all one long sentence. You need to change the comma after 'middle' to a period. I would also suggest starting a new paragraph before the "Oh no!" sentence. I enjoy white space as much as any other

His blue, dark blue hair catches the breeze and swishes around and I couldn't help but notice his dark blue eyes. -

This is embarrassing! "Did you write these songs yourself?" I look up at his face and nod, "Yes, your highness." I look around and then blush once more, attracting too much attention! I hate being center of attention! "They're beautiful, just as you." I bring my attention back to him with a sprinkle of shock on my face, "Huh..oh! Um, t-thank you?" He smiled and handed me my music lyrics, I bowed and said, "Allow me to take my leave your highness." I nod and then swerve on my heels, getting ready to walk away. - It is nice to break the lines of dialog apart

not only does it increase the amount of white space, which is nice on the eyes, but it helps distinguish who is talking. Thus I suggest:

This is embarrassing!

"Did you write these songs yourself?"

I look up and then blush once more, before nodding, "Yes, your highness."

Glancing around, I realize that I am the focus of many people's stares. I am attracting too much attention! ...I hate being center of attention.

"They're beautiful, just as you."

I bring my gaze back to him with a sprinkle of shock on my face, "Huh..oh! Um, t-thank you?"

He smiled and handed me my music lyrics. I bowed and said, "Allow me to take my leave your highness."

Then, with a nod and I swerve on my heels, getting ready to walk away.

I walk through town finishing my errands (jobs) and end up earning 7 gold coins. - ...is she doing errands or doing her job? or is doing errands her job? I think this should be explained somewhere in the previous paragraphs

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

20

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3590549

Review of My Zombie's Favorite Things

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with Poetry Zombie Horde

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

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Hello Maryann

!

This would be enough to cause Julie Andrews to roll over in her grave and come join the zombie party! (Uh, if she were dead, of course...)

This part was delicious:
When my mind is mad
Bahaaamaaaaaaa

haha

I'd this part:
When the pods sting

Maybe my rotting brain is just incapable of understanding your intricate language.... but this one line didn't make sense to me

Overall:
This made me laugh so hard my-- erm, well lets just say body parts went flying.

Reviewed by your friendly, neighborhood zombie: Rose Miavirre

21

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3584330

Review of The Wandering Storyteller

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name, which I chose mostly it has a pseudo High Fantasy feel to it

).
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Disclaimer 1: These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2: I don't usually review blue/yellow cases because it is pretty obvious that you guys probably know what you are doing.... so take everything I say with a grain of salt

and blame Brooklyn

for requiring reviews in order to participate in the Birthday Caper.

Plot
Ahhh, it's unfinished. I want to know what is up with the stranger. And the whole, 'go to the keep' thing seemed kind of suspect also. I was looking forward to knowing what was going to happen there

Characters
Good ole Fyn. I'm assuming this is the same Fyn as the storyteller in the other story with Dak and Thevri, although significantly younger. I liked the hints about his past, but now I want to know what happened to him, as well as the ending of this story. Curse you for making me curious XD lol

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remain the same
__________________________________________________________________________________________

That was very sneaky of you, to use funny misspelled words in the speech and even thoughts of the characters. How the heck can I know what is wrong and what isn't??

lol I only have one suggestion for you

Still and all, his lot in life had changed for the better and Fyn was brother, father and teacher all in one. - I like the phrase 'Still and all'

And then yesterday had given him, D'orn a whole copper penny of his own! - I would suggest And then yesterday Fyn had given him, D'orn, a whole copper penny of his own!

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

22

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3584290

Review of Tomorrow's Child

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name, which I chose mostly it has a pseudo High Fantasy feel to it

).
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Disclaimer 1: These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2: I don't usually review blue/yellow cases because it is pretty obvious that you guys probably know what you are doing.... so take everything I say with a grain of salt

and blame Brooklyn

for requiring reviews in order to participate in the Birthday Caper.

Plot
Wow, you have a great imagination. I like the words you used to describe things, but at times I think it was a bit over done... Just a personal opinion

I liked the overall idea, and the thoughts about the putergod and the honey drink. I could really see something like that coming true if civilization collapsed! ((I don't appreciate you suggest the end started with the falling the of the twin towers though, I'm too young to die!!

))

Characters
I really thought you got all the characters spot on

Especially Dak XD that was pretty realistic.

Scene/Setting
You definitely did a great job of giving realism to your world, with the glimpses of the past world remaining but most of it lost, and the use of interesting combined words to fill in for modern words.

The skies had been crying now for days and it felt as if he hadn’t been dry for a week - I really liked this line

but I picked a descriptive sentence about storms out of your other stories as well... so maybe I'm biased about the subject matter...? XD

And she knew that it must be used in tiny doses else one got the staggers. But Dak liked the staggers, only he called them nightvisions and said they told him wise things. Thevri shrugged. A headache was all it had given her if she’d had too much. - typical XD

It seemed to Thevri that he had only appeared to go along with the rite of downloading the putergod’s wishes. - hahaha, this is a pretty awesome line, and I can see people worshiping computers.... in fact I'm pretty sure some people already do

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remain the same
__________________________________________________________________________________________

As much as he, himself was the son and grandson of a storyteller, the generations since the Blackout had survived on knowledge passed down. - I don't really understand this sentence

I think it might sound better like this: Much like himself--being the son and grandson of a storyteller--the generations since the Blackout had survived on knowledge passed down to them.

In an age where reading was a waste of time better spent gleaning food or hunting, most no longer could read and had little interest beyond their tribal boundaries. - Just a personal preference

In an age where reading was a waste of time--time being better spent gleaning food or hunting--most no longer had the ability to read and few had interest in anything beyond their tribal boundaries.

They just rarely, really, understood the specifics. Yet, if they learned the lesson beyond his stories, he was satisfied. - Shouldn't it be ...lessons behind his stories...?

His firestarters, called bics, gleaned from odd places, would be a source of his ‘magic’ and he smiled remembering the faces of the younglings in the tribe of a few moons past. - It took me a few re-reads to figure this sentence out

I also noticed that Fyn is remembering the younglings faces, but doesn't describe why (I am assuming it is in response to his 'magic' as that is the subject matter of the sentence. Thus I suggest His firestarters--called bics, and gleaned from odd places--would be the source of his 'magic'. He smiled as he remembered the looks of wonder on the faces of the younglings, from the Roits tribe he had visited a few moons past, when they witnessed this magic. or something similar.

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

23

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3584235

Review of The Eve of The Eleventh Hour

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name, which I chose mostly it has a pseudo High Fantasy feel to it

).
Anyways... I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Disclaimer 1: These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2: I don't usually review blue/yellow cases because it is pretty obvious that you guys probably know what you are doing.... so take everything I say with a grain of salt

and blame Brooklyn

for requiring reviews in order to participate in the Birthday Caper.

Plot
Very interesting. You somehow managed to provide a happy ending and a sad ending in the same piece. Of course the sad ending was only a story, but then so was the happy one.... and to have the happy ending, the sad ending had to exist! lol It was definitely a fascinating story.

I liked the way it ended, very thought provoking. Mostly because of the Captain, he has to be there to take Jim out, and yet he already did...so what happened to him? Of course, if you want to go there everything gets confusing, so I think I'll just leave it alone

Scene/Setting
Angry black clouds seethed overhead. Lightning strikes were exclamation points in some heavenly argument that did not bode well for us here below. Waves fought wind and spray whipped into my face - I really liked this line and thought it did wonders explaining the dangerous situation in a beautiful way.

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use "..." within re-working it means all the text before or after "..." remain the same
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Sighing, I started to work editing a prior couple of chapters, but got side-tracked thinking about how I was still so pressed for time. - I'm not positive but I think that it should be ...I started to work on editing a prior... or ...I started to work, editing a prior...

Forcing my brain to wrap around the issue at hand, mainly finding a way for Garret, my lead character, to get out of the dead end I’d neatly boxed him into, I finally found my way into my writing zone. - This is a pretty long sentence. I am a fan of --s, so I would suggest Forcing my brain to wrap around the issue at hand--mainly finding a way for Garret, my lead character, to get out of the dead end I'd neatly boxed him into--I finally found my way into my writing zone.

“No idea. But close as I can figure, we’ve got no power, nothing electrical is working, computer’s frozen mid-reboot, and with the cloudy sky and darkness, I’m not even sure which way we are drifting. Waves are running six foot swells, but coming at us from several directions. Emergency beacon isn’t working and the hand-crank radio is spoutin’ static. - you are missing a " here

The captain’s face looked haggard in the grey light from my laptop which had finished rebooting and was now cycling my screen saver pics of, of all things, storm clouds and thunderstorms. - I would suggest ...cycling my screen saver pics which were, of all thing, storms clouds and thunderstorms.

Once again in peopled halls, he hurried along looking at the clipboard in his hands, trying to emulate the doctors he’d seen earlier in the day. - Just a suggestion but I think occupied or populated or busy, instead of peopled.

I came up for air and by sheer force of habit looked at my watch. - Usually when "sheer force of habit" is used, it means that the person was unprepared or stunned and only because they were so used to responding in a certain way to a certain event did they actually move/act (like, lets say, someone barged into the room waving a gun. Then I would say that the line fits, because even though he probably shouldn't be looking at his watch, habit made him). So... XD after that long explanation, I would suggest I came up for air and, out of habit, looked at my watch.

A knock at the door and Captain Abrams stepped in. - I think it should be There was a knock at the door.

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3582115

Review of The Boy At The Lake

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name, which I chose mostly because Michelle doesn't have a High Fantasy feel to it

).

Disclaimer 1: These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2: I have never reviewed a blue/yellow case before because it is pretty obvious that you guys probably know what you are doing.... so take everything I say with a grain of salt *Smile* and blame yourself for requiring reviews in order to participate in the Birthday Caper.

Plot
The mystery in this piece of was intriguing, but I feel like is is incomplete. Who was the young man that came to knock on their door with the older man? Who were they to the boy? Who was the boy? How did it end? Argh, I must know..... but maybe that is the point? If so, great job

Characters
I liked the way the father and Jed interacted. I particularly enjoyed the instance where he grabbed the cigarette, it seemed very realistic for a father to automatically respond that way, even given the interesting circumstances.

Scene/Setting
You painted a beautiful image with the description of the fogs rolling over the lake.

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use ... within re-working it means all the text before or after ... remain the same
__________

Uncle Jed held the door open as my father rushed inside the house, straight into the guest bedroom, where my nervous mother was waiting. - The boys ran to the house but their was father right behind them. How is it that their mother was already waiting in the guest room?

His head eventually appeared from under the blankets. After much coaxing, the boy eventually emerged from the security of the blankets entirely, sitting on the bed and staring back at us with nervous, wary eyes. - You used eventually twice really close to each other. I would suggest deleting the second one, we already know that he is reluctant to leave the the blankets

Jed frowned as my father picked up the phone and started dialing, then frowned. - Jed frowned twice? or the father frowned after trying to dial? I think I would separate these two events.

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Rose Miavirre

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3582054

Review of The Flower Girl

Review by Rose Miavirre

In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi, my name is Michelle (Rose is just my pen name, which I chose mostly because Michelle doesn't have a High Fantasy feel to it

).

Disclaimer 1: These are just my opinions and suggestions and they are certainly not always right! I try to make comments and suggestions that I would be happy to find in a review of my own work, so I hope you won't take anything I say in a negative light as it is definitely not meant that way.

Disclaimer 2: I have never reviewed a blue/yellow case before because it is pretty obvious that you guys probably know what you are doing.... so take everything I say with a grain of salt

and blame yourself for requiring reviews in order to participate in the Birthday Caper.

Plot
The tension April felt and the complete lack of concern by the happy couple seemed very realistic. Obviously April never got over Kim's betrayal but Kim and Kenny probably hardly remembered it and didn't think anything of it anymore. The ending was perfect!! and I really liked the bit about the cake, hehe.

Characters
I love the character of April when she is dealing with her "arch nemesis". The thoughts of punching her in the face or hitting her with a car are perfect given the situation and absolutely hilarious.

Grammar/Spelling & Suggestions/Opinions
Your text is in purple.
My comments are in black.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in blue.
Any time I use ... within re-working it means all the text before or after ... remain the same
__________

April always thought it ironic, and just her luck, that her greatest professional successes were realized during times of the year that also served as a reminder of her greatest personal failures. Like her flowers, April's romantic prospects were all quick to bloom, and just as quick to wither and die. - I really like this paragraph

After opening the shop, April checked her date book; someone named Kim Davis was her only appointment today. She didn't know whether to smile or sigh. On the one hand, it was the first indication that wedding season was (hopefully) drawing to a close, and she wouldn't have the daily reminders of just how single she still was. On the other hand, she predictably hadn't saved nearly as much as she anticipated needing in order to hold her over until the Valentine's Day rush. - Wouldn't these both be on the "same" hand? She wouldn't have a daily reminder of how single she was (which is a good thing, so this falls with the smile). And she hadn't save enough flowers to tide her over until Valentines day (while this is sad... it is still a good reason to be happy that she only has one appointment today isn't it? otherwise she would have even less flowers, thus this falls with the smile also). At least if I understand what you meant...

I would suggest On the other hand, she predictably hadn't made as much money as she hoped, her compassionate nature led her to giving brides discounts and extra flowers. As such she probably wouldn't have enough flowers to tide her over to the Valentines day rush.

The worst part was, they seemed to be happy, as if April's relationship with Kenny were just a speed bump along the road to his happily ever after... with Kim Greene of all people. - A nitpicky thing, but it was a tad confusing when I read "they seemed happy" then "his happily ever after" in the same sentence. I think it would flow/sound/look? better if it was ....they seemed to be happy! It was as it April's relationship...

What made it particularly difficult was that they seemed genuinely happy together. - this line is almost the same as "The worst part was, they seemed to be happy,. not sure if you noticed that or not...

And so, on the day of the wedding, April arrived at the church and, as she strewed flower petals along the aisle, babbled like an idiot, complaining about the lack of reasons to complain about Kim and Kenny. - This sentence doesn't seem quite right... perhaps you meant April arrived at the church and, as she strewed flower petals along the aisle, she babbled like an idiot to herself, complaining about....

__________

I only review things I like--this is mostly because I usually can't finish a story that I don't like and I wouldn't want to leave a review saying that--
so take heart

and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Rose Miavirre

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .