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351 Public Reviews Given
353 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Dark Cloud  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Jimminycritic ! I would like to offer my review on your story "Dark Cloud"  [13+] for the Smiling Skies contest. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: I love the familiarity of the Cloud's speech in the beginning. It reminds me a bit of the serial killer's soliloquy in crime stories. Like Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs. The dark cloud knows what he is and what he did, but he does not think himself evil. It's such a human characteristic. Even the most vile of us believes we are doing our best and are good people at heart. I loved that. It had the feeling of sitting down to tea and conversation.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall, these looked good. I saw no mistakes.

Characters/Setting: Your cloud is very well developed with a distinctive human personality. I enjoyed reading him. I didn't quite get the impression of any other characters. There was another mentioned - a white cloud - but she seemed very passive in the relationship. Although, again, I think it fits well with that Hannibal Lecter image. We're shown the one event that turned the cloud dark. Nice work of the double entendre here by the way. I mean, this whole scene has so many meanings - layers upon layers of meaning - inside it. The merging of the clouds and the clashes of thunder are all so very scientific, yet at the same time we glimpse a serial killer claim his first victim. It's thrilling and sad and frightening at the same time. Beautiful!

What I liked: I love the almost remorse the cloud has. He has a very sorry, not sorry attitude that comes across very well. It works incredibly well in this story.

Areas for Improvement: There is a lot of repetition in the first paragraph that I'm not sure is needed and it makes the story a bit redundant and confusing to start off with. Otherwise the tale is great and I loved it.

Thanks for sharing!

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Review of Fool's Price  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Sapphirose I found your story "Fool's Price"  [E] in the Please Review and would like to offer my thoughts on it. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: There was quite of bit of backstory in the opening of this story. It took a while the reader actually got to the meat of the story (the prank on the student and the student's revenge). The story could work quite well if you started it with the simple sentence such as Professor Crow lived for playing pranks and then go on to the classroom scenes from there. I'm not sure the reader really needs to see him coming in from summer break and all of that.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall your spelling and grammar were pretty good. There were no glaring errors within the story. However some of the sentences could use pruning and tightening. For example:

Mr. Crow walked up to the gates of Ashbrook Academy of the Arts from summer break. <- From summer break is not needed here.

Mr. Crow droned on and on about the complexity of magic rules and so on. ,- Change to: Mr Crow droned on about the complexity of magic rules.

The student trembled at his nearness <- Remove at his nearness.

And so on. I would recommend finding a trusted editor to go through this with a red pen to help with the phrases that are extraneous.

Characters/Setting: Mr Crow is a well developed and complex character. You seem to know him very well. And I also get the impression that you know Grant pretty well too, however, the reader isn't so familiar with Grant. He sleeps a bit more during the story. It would help if he were able to get a bit more story time before he plots his revenge.

What I liked: I thought the premise of this story was excellent. I think it has a great flow and a wonderful conflict. With some polishing you can have something amazing here.

Areas for Improvement: I think starting this story a bit later in the tale will help with the pacing of it and adding in a few more character details will help as well. Also, tightening your sentences will make reading much easier and seamless.

Overall, I very much liked this story. Thank you for allowing me to read it. If after you have edited, you would like an updated review, please let me know. I would be happy to oblige.

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53
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jeff I found your story "The Ex-Girlfriends Club"  [ASR] while perusing your port in search of clues from "Invalid Item"  and would like to offer my thoughts on it. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: Oh boy! Your poor protagonist! I have never felt so badly for a character as I did for him, at least until the end. It was quite humorous to read through the exploits that caused his exes to all feel so compelled to form this support club.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall, the grammar and spelling here are great. I have just one small (possibly nitpicky) suggestion. When Lara asks about each of the girlfriends, I would suggest placing question marks instead of periods after their names.

And I'm not sure why Megan is underlined. Did you mean to italicize it?

Characters/Setting: In this story we are introduced to two characters, your protagonist and Lara, his intended. I think throughout this short story, we get to know quite a bit about each of them. Lara seems to be an open and caring person, as does your protagonist. His clumsiness is apparent in the injuries that he has left on each subsequent girlfriend, thus leading him to this woman who accepts and loves this about him.

What I liked: I liked the stories and the little bits of humor interjected throughout. I found myself laughing several times throughout this story. And then the end, when Lara makes her confession, I loved the ending. What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic and I was so happy to see that your Protagonist found his soul mate.

Areas for Improvement: I loved this little tale and thought it was the perfect glimpse into this pre-marriage dinner for the couple. Both the protagonist and Lara were endearing and the tale funny and humorous. I think the only suggestion I can possibly make is to maybe add a few more little details about the events as your protagonist lists them.

Otherwise, great story! Keep up the phenomenal work!

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Review of Wonderland  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jeff

I just finished reading "Wonderland"  which I found during my search through your port for the clues for the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your work out for critique and review.

Overall Impression: This was a quick and fun read! The creepiness to it was subtle but definite throughout the verses. And, as you traversed deeper into the rabbit hole, the eerie feeling grew stronger until you realized that it was too late and you were trapped for good. Very well done.

Poetic Tool Box: The poem follows the structure of the Kyrielle Sonnet very well. The rhymes at the end of each line are strong and bold, at first this conveys a sense of fun and frivolity. However, as the poem progresses and the words grow darker, a sense of trepidation arises and the end rhymes become cymbal crashes that cause the reader to jump and look over her (or his) shoulder.

Favorite lines: My favorite line, and the one that reminds me the most of the song Hotel California because of a similar line there that jumps out at me every time, is:

Arriving's easy to achieve,
Just don't expect to ever leave.

It's in this line that the poem shifts and turns sinister. Here the reader realizes just what she has done and the consequences of those actions. Well done!

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all look great! I see no issues that need addressed.

Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing this little bit of creepiness with me today. I enjoyed the read very much. You have captured the sense of Alice in Wonderland, and have taken it to another level. What at first looks like a simple escape from reality turns into a sinister warning for us to not get too comfortable in the pleasures of fantasy because there are dangers held within there as well.

Fantastic work! Keep writing!

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Review by MontyB
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya Jeff

And I'm back for my third installation in what I hope are the clues that you have left for the "Invalid Item"  . This time my search has led me to "Blogocentric Formulations"  [18+], which I notice you have not written in recently. I too am not the best at keeping a blog as I tend to get distracted and walk away for a bit. But I do hope that you come back soon because it is a funny and delightful place. I was excited to see, after my review of your Dear Me letter yesterday, that you are finding success in writing. I hope that this has continued and thus is the reason you have not yet come back to update your blog.

I very much enjoyed your songs for the Soundtrackers challenge. I never knew that Walk the Moon was from Cincinnati. I grew up there as well. It's always interesting to know of people who are from my hometown. Thank you for sharing that tidbit.

Thank you again for sharing a piece of yourself on here. Keep writing!

MontyB


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Review of Dear Me (2015)  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Good evening Jeff !

I am back again to review yet another piece in your portfolio in my quest to discover the answers to your clues for "Invalid Item"  . This time I have chosen "Dear Me (2015)"  [ASR] to review. It is my hope to provide a review that is helpful and encouraging. Please take what is relevant to you and leave the rest behind.

This was an entertaining piece, though quite a stern one. I know I have been accused on many occasions of being very hard on myself and it would seem that you are just as tough with yourself. I found myself laughing at several moments throughout, starting with the beginning where you state that you have retained yourself as legal council.

From there the letter induces more chuckles as you scold yourself for your inability to maintain a regular workout schedule. How many of us have been in that position where we say with conviction that we will do what it takes to become healthy, and then 3, 4, or 6 months later we realize that we have not lived up to said expectations.

But then we come to your writing goals and this is where the letter shines. You have set realistic, obtainable, and measurable goals for yourself with these. And within them, you have written one of my most favorite sentiments about writing. It can be so tough as we wait for yet another publisher to accept our writing to remember why we write. Our readers become lost in the process and it's easy to ourselves grow disappointed and jaded by the process.

By the way, how is the book publishing and website going? I hope that you have reached your goals for this year! And if you haven't...you still have time. *Smile*

Thank you again for this little piece of insight into your life. I appreciate the entertaining read.

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Review of Fraidy Grady  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Jeff ! I found your story {ritem:1545197) while searching for stories to match the clues in the {ritem:2053753} and would like to offer my thoughts on it. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: What a clever telling of an experience that many of us have experienced. After spending the afternoon being teased relentlessly by his siblings and cousins, Grady finally works up the courage to make the jump. I wonder what his parents do say to him when he does walk into the house dripping wet from his leap.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall, the grammar and spelling are pretty good. There are quite a few passive voice sentences that I would recommend making active.

And sure enough, he heard his name being called. This is one example of the passive voice sentences. A slight change will make it active and thus help propel the story forward. For example, you could rewrite the sentence to: And then, as if on cue, his father's voice bellowed from the house calling him in. Also, this sentence flows right into the next two paragraphs nicely.

Characters/Setting: In this story, we're really only introduced to Grady, though we do get a glimpse into the members of his family through his eyes. Grady seems like a determined boy, though one that likes to do things on his own time schedule. He doesn't like to be pressured, but rather wants to make up his own mind and then he will complete the task.

What I liked: I thought this was an adorable story and I liked the premise of it very much. I enjoyed Grady's determination to rid himself of the unwanted moniker bestowed upon him by his family members.

Areas for Improvement: Other than the suggestions above for making some of the passive sentences active, I can think of no other areas for improvement.

Great story! I'm so glad that I had the chance to read it. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!

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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi again JACE !

I just finished reading "Shattered Mirrors|srorriM derettahS"  which I found while searching for the works relating to your clues in "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your work out for critique and review.

Overall Impression: As a woman who suffers from depression, this poem really hit home for me. I could picture my husband as he struggles to understand and comprehend his place and his role in this disease. I can imagine that it is a rough place to be and I don't envy him his position. The words in this work conveyed beautifully a vast array of emotions cursing through the husband as he felt the frustration and the fear of his wife's illness.

Poetic Tool Box: Free verse is by far my favorite form of poetry and this poem here really illustrates why. The pain that the husband feels as he thrusts his fist into the mirror is illustrated in the line breaks and pauses throughout the poem. Each word describing depression is given it's own line, thus causing the reader to focus and pause on each one, the weight of them adding itself onto the reader's shoulder and mimicking the overwhelming pressure of living and loving someone with this condition.

Favorite lines: There are so many gems in this piece, but I'd have to say that my favorite line is the first one.
The unsufferable demons of despair and hopelessness are entrenched firmly
within the one I love.

The power and emotion in this line starts the poem off heavy and then the rest of the words add to the burden. Once the husband breaks the glass, the relief felt is definitely much needed by both.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Absolutely perfect!

Parting Comments: This is a fantastic piece filled to the brim with emotion. I hope that you know that what your wife suffers is an illness and never your fault. You seem like you do and I know that it doesn't make it any easier, but sometimes the words are nice to hear. Thank you for this piece and for sharing it. It was beautiful.

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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi JACE . I found your story "Butterfly Kisses and Baby Bear Hugs"  [E] in your portfolio and would like to offer my thoughts on it. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: I loved the premise of this story. I don't have any grandchildren yet (my girls are only 11 and 9), but I can relate to the amazing and accurate insights that often come from the mouth of a child. Taylor is a very sweet and intuitive boy. And I think that grown ups often forget how much kids know and pay attention to what's going on around them. They're paying attention even when we think they're not. This story is a great reminder to take the time to listen.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: These all look great. The misspellings do a great deal to illustrate the speech of the 5 year old boy. The sentence structure is great and the story flows well.

Characters/Setting: I loved these characters. I think the one question that I had was why the grandpa wasn't able to be with his grandson more often. It's not a make or break question for the tale, but just a simple curiosity. Otherwise, I think the characters are great. The grandpa seems very loving and attentive to his grandson. Taylor has a ton of energy is an incredibly astute young boy. We also learn a lot about Miss Mona (for example, the fact that Taylor has her wrapped around his cute little finger), Taylor's mom, his step-dad, and his dad. There is a lot that has happened in this little man's life and he has definitely paid attention.

What I liked: What didn't I like? I loved this little tale. I want to get to know Taylor better. He seems like such an amazing little boy and I loved getting that insight into his world.

Areas for Improvement: I really can't think of any areas that need improved. The story is quite a gem and a very lovely read.

Thank you for sharing your piece. I'm so glad I stumbled upon it. Keep writing!

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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Smee

I just finished reading {item:} which I found in your port (I told you I'd be back to read chapter 2) and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: You definitely keep the suspense high in this chapter as well, offering little teasers about who and what we are dealing with until almost the very end of the chapter. It was engaging and I had to keep reading to find out what was going on.

Characters: I'm not sure about Sej yet. What kind of person is he? He seems a little spazzy, not cool under pressure at all. Prone to freak outs? Morhem seems a bit calmer, more level-headed. The daughter seems precocious and the wife stern and used to her directions being followed. I like the wife and the daughter and Morhem, but I think I want more from Sej. Is he missing anyone at home? What is going through his head during all of this? We get a lot of freak out, but is there more?

Setting: I know they're in darkness and that setting is intentionally disorienting, but once they're in Morhem's home (I'm assuming), I would suggest showing some of their surroundings. What does the bed look like? What color are the walls?

Plot: The plot seems interesting so far and I'm looking forward to reading more to find out what happens next.

Grammar and Spelling: I saw a couple issues here:

There was light once again after the darkness, and he didn't intend losing it any time soon. --> Remove "after the darkness" here. Your meaning is clear with the 'once again' in the sentence and it helps the flow to remove it. Also take off 'anytime soon' from the end. This will leave you with a short, concise, to the point sentence. There was light once again, and he didn't intend to lose it. This way the sentence almost feels as if Sej is putting his foot down instead of throwing a bit of a tantrum over the light.

Without any of those luxuries he finally realised he had to do something. This sentence reads a bit awkwardly. I would recommend changing the last part to read: Without any of those luxuries, he resigned himself to just do something.

He whispered toward the darkness. --> Change toward to into.

You want us both eaten! --> Change ! to ?

it's on his way --> Change it's to he's.

The next sound could have been a deep sigh. It was followed swiftly by a hissed -->A deep sigh struck his ears, followed by a hiss.

Sej had fallen in to. --> make into one word


Overall thoughts: Overall, I am liking this piece. It seems like it will be an entertaining fantasy adventure. There are spots that need cleaning up, but as this seems to be a first draft, that's completely understandable.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece today. I look forward to seeing where you take it with your edits. Please let me know if, after you edit, you would like an updated review.

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Review of Pacing  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Joy in honor of her 14th Anniversary at WDC. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

Pacing is a difficult concept for many writers to grasp, myself included. And the pacing in a novel is much different from that in a short story. I like that you have laid out your essay on pacing in such a way that it doesn't matter if you're writing one or the other, the tips are applicable to both.


What I Liked: I liked your tip at the end for discovering pacing in your own writing. It's only when we can see what we do already that we know what needs changed and corrected. Thank you for such a solid example.

I also liked how you cautioned against too much fast pacing in the story. I know I've read some short stories that have left me dizzy from all of the motion contained within. It's true that too much fast pacing can do just as much harm to a story as too little. Great tip on keeping the story balanced.


Suggestions: Again, more examples. I liked the example of the chase scene versus the focusing on the limp scene. Visuals like that help to bring the concepts into better focus.


Parting Comments: Thanks again for these essays. They've been very helpful to me on my reading/writing journey today. I'm so glad to have found them.


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Joy in honor of her 14th Anniversary at WDC. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

I realize that I should probably check out the other gems in your portfolio, except that I can't seem to help but to avail myself to the wisdom located in your writing essays. I have such trouble with knowing where to start my stories and will start the rough drafts far too early with too much backstory too soon. It's especially true in my novel. I love your idea of starting with the first conflict. What is the first moral dilemma that my main character faces? It really helps to think about that as well as to answer the questions you've provided.


What I Liked: I like your straightforward writing advice. And your tips at the end about criticism from reviewers was very helpful. Sometimes it's tough when we receive an especially tough review to remember that the reviewer gave it from a place of helpfulness. Sometimes it's very important to remember to take that step back to see what the other person is saying instead of jumping so quickly to the defensive.


Suggestions: The only suggestion I have is maybe add more examples of the mistakes writers make? Find some pieces that have them contained within it and show fixes for the problem.


Parting Comments: Thank you again for sharing another insightful piece of work. I am very much enjoying myself in your port.


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Joy in honor of her 14th Anniversary at WDC. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

You have so many gems inside your portfolio about writing itself that I lament the fact that it has taken me this long to discover them. This piece was another truly inspirational one for me. I very much liked the way that you laid out the road to the character's epiphany as well as why they are important to the story. And you are absolutely right. In every great story, there is a lesson learned and the character grows. Epiphany's help us to grow and realize life in a new way. I like your advice to make certain we have them in our stories.


What I Liked: The quote by Azar Nafisi at the beginning of your article was great. I loved it as an introduction into your essay. Also, I liked how you described what epiphany was and where it came from. I think it helps to have the basis for the word so that we know exactly what we are doing and what we are looking for when searching for it in our own stories. It's like the laying of a solid foundation on which to build a house.


Suggestions: None. The article was very well written and informative.



Parting Comments: I am so glad to have found this piece in your portfolio. The advice is clear and straightforward and I see this as another tool that will aide in making my own writing better. Thank you. These gems of wisdom are so greatly appreciated.


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Review of Pre-writing  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Joy in honor of her 14th Anniversary on WDC!. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

I love your take on pre-writing, the idea that just the free-flow of words is work for us writers. And that the gems that we search so hard for can often be found within these piles of nonsense is both comforting and inspirational. I know for myself, some days it seems that all I can get to come out are nonsense words or journal entries. I've spent weeks at a time writing in these journals and leave feeling frustrated that I hadn't done any real 'work'. This piece on pre-writing is so helpful in showing me that any writing is work and that sometimes we have to let go in order to find our story.

What I Liked: I loved the prompts you gave. I plan to write them down and start working on them so that I can get to know my characters better. I'm realizing that I don't always get as deep into my characters as I should. I don't fully immerse in them. Your suggestions will definitely help with that. They're wonderful!


Suggestions: I have none. I loved this piece just as it is. It's both inspirational and comforting. (I know I said that already, but I needed to again to re-iterate the truth of that statement.)


Parting Comments: Thank you for writing this piece. I'm looking forward to putting these practices into action and seeing where they lead.


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Smee for the Surprise Reviews. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

Thanks for choosing this piece as one of your surprise reviews. It was a fun read. Poor Sej is just going through one heck of a time, isn't he? The story opening was well done and pulled me right into it, and then I just had to explore the ink blot on the floor too. And now I MUST read chapter 2 so that I can find out what happens next. Great job!

What I Liked: I liked your hook. It worked very well. I think any writer knows all too well that feeling of sitting at the computer (or the quill and paper) waiting for the words to come and feeling frustrated that the ones that do are just all wrong.



Suggestions: Well, of course I have suggestions. *Wink* There were a couple instances of passive voice that could be made much stronger with some slight rewording.

"Sej felt his eyes opening" The first couple of sentences here could be much stronger with a re-write. Start with the distant thought. "A distant thought welcomed Sej back to his corporeal body, and his eyes flashed open to a blinding light. The pain from the searing beacon forced him to close them again...." Or something similar. But keep the voice active. What is Sej doing?

And here: He inched his fingers slightly apart and felt the light assault his eyes again through the thin membrane of his eyelids Change felt the light assault to the light assaulted his eyes again.

Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing this story. I look forward to reading chapter 2!


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Patrece ~ as one of the Surprise Reviews. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

First I want to say thank you for allowing me into your world and permitting me to meet this truly special little boy. I can imagine that life for the both of you can be so wonderful and yet so frustrating at the same time. Based on the story you tell and the love and adoration that shines through the words, he is a very lucky little man, indeed, to have a grandmother who relishes in him the way you do.

What I Liked: I liked that you didn't just paint the happy picture of the 'good' days. You gave the reader both sides of life. Not all days are good, not all days are bad, but there are precious gems in each one that we must hold onto. The message of that rings loud and clear. Well, that and the fact that there's no one who loves this little boy more than you. (Your daughter may disagree with me, though. *Wink* )


Suggestions: On giving suggestions, I am making the assumption that you want to do something more with this story like seek eventual publication. I thought this story was amazing and beautiful the way that you told it, and these suggestions are simply to help it be more marketable.

In all honesty, I would suggest more dialog and more showing your day. You tell the reader a lot about what happens and we do get a good sense of what is happening, but it's never an 'in the moment' kind of telling. I think you can turn this piece into a great story (and still keep it 100% factual) if you just guide us along with you as you share your days with your grandson.

Your first sentences, however: Autistic. Living on the spectrum. Grammy's special little man. I wonder at times, as I observe him and interact with him: is his a tortured childhood, or is it joyful? -- don't change. Those are wonderful. But after this start your story with him being brought to the house. Show us the tantrum. Show us the emotion. Invite the reader in fully.

Parting Comments: This was a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to reading more. And if you choose to re-write and would like another review, please let me know.


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for fyn . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

Your description of this story drew me in. I had to find out what you meant by time being the essence. Great job on the teaser. It did its job perfectly.


What I Liked: I thought this was a clever and interesting tale that many of us writers can relate to in some form. We've all had to write things and characters that we're not particularly in love with or that we grow tired of. How freeing to have an unlimited amount of time to finish the story the way that you want to finish it. It's an odd sensation when you realize a character (especially a main character) has to die to complete the story, but there's also freedom within that a well.

And I liked that the ending wasn't predictable in this. Throughout the story, I felt the tension within both Jim and Captain Abrams over each of their situations. I wondered several times throughout if Jim was going to finish his book and have the courage to kill Garrett, though I would say that once it became clear to him that's what needed done, he was pretty set on that course. But then I wondered if they would make it in time or if they would be lost in the Bermuda triangle. Having them return home the same day they left was very clever.


Suggestions: At this point, I can't think of any suggestions. I liked this story as it was written.


Parting Comments: This was a great story and a very relatable one to read. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!


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Review of Perspectives  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark Raid Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for fyn . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

Again, it is emotion that attracts me to a piece of writing, and this piece certainly delivered on that. It tells a story of a family's struggle through a particularly hard Thanksgiving. The family could easily fall apart with dissent and ingratitude, but instead they show the best of themselves during their meager feast. It is a truly heartwarming piece.


Poetic Tool Box: Your rhymes are good; away/say, jars/cars, true/do, etc. There are none that stand out as unique or different, but I don't think this piece needs that. The real strength here lies in the story behind the words and to have rhymes that stand out in such a way that they deserve comment would detract from the tale.


Favorite lines:There were so many gems within this piece, I could almost choose them all.

Years passed and last year, sitting down to a feast I love this entire stanza. The rhythm and rhyme both act in harmony to help the sentiment behind it shine through. It is truly a gem. I particularly love the way you break up the line, as if the poet must pause to contain him/herself during the telling of this part. What a way to show the emotions felt.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all look great! I saw no errors.


Parting Comments: This was a beautiful and heartfelt piece. I'm so glad that I read it. It is always a wonderful reminder that the best things in life aren't things at all.

Keep writing!


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark Raid Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for fyn . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

One of my favorite types of stories to read are those that choke me up and make me feel emotion. I thought this was a sweet tale of love and loss and I felt the heaviness of Rose's heart as she remembered her last day with her husband. How even more tragic that the last day was on her birthday.


What I Liked: Your characters, Rose and Jimmy were very easy to relate to. The story was sweet and I liked reading about Rose's last day with Jimmy. They seem to have the relationship that all couples strive for. And I laughed when Jimmy called her Daffy. He seemed like a pretty fun guy to be around and it's easy to see Rose's attraction to him.


Suggestions: I do have a couple of suggestions for this piece to make it stronger.

It had been a very long winter; cold, hard, dark and lonely. Autumn hadn’t been that much better. Now it was Spring again. You're going out of order here. It's a bit off putting. Perhaps make autumn unseasonably cold and then winter even more so? That way winter will lead into spring as it normally does and the reader doesn't feel as if she has been jerked through the seasons out of order.

Jimmy always loved Spring. It was his favorite time of year. Combine these sentences. Spring had always been Jimmy's favorite time of year.


I’m eighty-five years old and I still don’t like the name Rose,” she grumbled. Rose grumbling about her name seems out of place for her character at this place in the story. Add something here to separate her telling Jimmy she loved him and this phrase. "I love you too, old man," she said kissing him on the cheek. She smiled. "You would think that at eighty-five I would finally learn to like the name Rose." And then lead into Jimmy's response which is cute and adorable and perfect.



Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing both Rose's and Jimmy's last days with me. It was a beautiful little story and I am so glad to have found it. Keep writing!


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Review of Cowboy Roam  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Smee . Happy Account Anniversary! Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

What a fun poem about a cowboy. I'm not sure if you intended it to sound like the American version (do the British have cowboys?), but you've captured the spirit and essence that we here in the US have grown up with. I very much enjoyed it.

Poetic Tool Box: You do very well with keeping your rhythm and rhymes flowing. There's no part that I tripped over while reading. Everything flowed well and the rhymes were good. You followed an abcb/defe rhyme pattern and follow it throughout. Each line has either 4 or 5 syllables and you are consistent throughout.

I do have one suggestion, though, in this couplet:
He crosses through fords,
He rides down streams,
I would recommend taking the s off of streams. That way it reads He rides downstream. Still the same amount of syllables, but it flows slightly better.

Favorite lines: I'm not sure I have a favorite line or favorite lines. The poem works great together overall. There really is not stand out line.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: This all looks great!


Parting Comments: This is a cute and fun little poem about a cowboy and a nostalgic time in the past. It reminds us where we've come from and how close we were to the land at one time. Well done! Keep writing.


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Review of Wink and a hug  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Smee . Happy Account Anniversary! Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

This was a fun little slice of life piece about a world where the currency is physical interaction. It's a very interesting and unique concept. I enjoyed it very much.


What I Liked: The concept of this piece is interesting. What would a world look like, act like, and be if there was no such thing as money? You've done a great job of showing a very happy and friendly place where people appreciate each other. It was fun to read and I did so with a smile on my face the entire time.


Suggestions: For what this is, the piece is perfect. However, I am a greedy reader and I have questions. What would happen if someone wasn't so pleasant? What if someone didn't enjoy being touched? How would Mr D'yer interact/do business with that person? What happens when there is conflict in this world? What does that conflict look like?

Also, didn't Mr. D'yer at least get the lady's phone number? Are there such things as phones in this world? Really, I think you could have a whole story here just from this little piece. There's so much to explore. There's so much to tell.


Parting Comments: I think you have something in this piece. It was so much fun to read, and left me longing for more. If you come back and add to it, please let me know because I would love to read more.


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Review of My Howl  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

Wow, I can't believe that this piece didn't get reviewed during the raid. I feel as though I should have looked much harder in your portfolio because this is a rare gem and I'm glad that I found my way into scroll when you posted it.


What I Liked: What can I say, you are 100% right with your commentary. We have given away so many freedoms for comforts and then complain about those freedoms going away. It's like the saying "we sacrifice comfort for security and are left with neither." What a sad state of affairs we have created for ourselves.

I very much like the flow of this piece. It reads so conversationally and then you get those little breaks like mini punches in the gut. The single sentence paragraphs that drip with sarcasm and contempt. It's very tough to read them without using the "bless her heart" southern voice because that is exactly the intention behind them. Look not at my words, but my meaning instead.


Suggestions: I'm sure that part of you hoped for some scathing commentary on the various parts that you need to fix and I would gladly oblige except I can't find any. At first I was going to suggest shortening the lines because the poem reads more like prose, but then if you did that, the single lines would lose their punch. So, please don't shorten. Please don't trim at all. I think that for what this is, this piece is brilliant and works very well.



Parting Comments: I am so glad that I was able to read a piece that sums up my own views of this country so succinctly. We are quick to excuse behaviors and parent each other when what we really need is to let some of us fall and learn from our own mistakes. Everyone deserves their own chance at the American dream and it is not our right to squander it from them by our 'good intentions.'

Beautiful piece. Thanks for sharing!


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Review of She  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

I found this poem while perusing your port and I found this gem and your description piqued my curiosity. I'm so glad that I clicked on it because it is a beautiful love story and I am glad to have the opportunity to read it. When my husband and I met, I was in the same situation where I wasn't looking for anything and we both were in college. Add to that a lifetime of growing up and learning to be adults and today we're standing on the other side with twelve years of marriage (fourteen together total) under our belts and two kids taking most of our attention. But one thing stays consistent, and that's our commitment to each other. It's beautiful and heartwarming to see it echoed in another's poetry.


Poetic Tool Box: By far, free verse is my favorite form of poetry both to write and to read. There's a simplistic power in each line with the breaks in just the right position. And, it absolutely works very well for this poem. The simplicity of thee language and the lines reinforces the theme that these are just two down to earth people who happen to have achieved an out of this world kind of love.


Favorite lines: The last stanza is my favorite about her growing more beautiful as the years progress. It demonstrates the love that the poet feels for his wife perfectly.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Perfect! Well done.


Parting Comments: I loved this poem and I connected to it immediately. The story is very similar to my own and it was such a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing. *Smile*


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Review of Coffee Shop  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

I found this piece as I perused your portfolio, and being an avid coffee drinker myself, I couldn't help but partake. The story opens on a woman staring into the swirls of coffee within her warm mug. Inside the liquid, she sees worlds and other people. It makes her feel a bit crowded.

What I Liked: I liked the way the story described the woman's thought process. She's never named and never described, but I think we get a better sense of who she is through her thoughts and her concentration on this swirling cup than if we were given a detailed character sheet of traits. Very well done.



Suggestions: Expand! I want to know more. What were the worlds inside the cup Who was the familiar voice? Why was it familiar? Why this woman? What did she see in the cup? What worlds lie in there? And finally, what answer was she searching for? That would really give the story a nice punch. Technically the story is great, but there are a lot of questions left unanswered.



Parting Comments: This was a pleasant read and I enjoyed her journey into her coffee mug. It's interesting to think about what we can see when we stop to pay attention to the little things around us.

Thank you for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading it and am looking forward to reading more!

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Review of Gathering Storm  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

This was probably the perfect poem to read this evening as we have just experienced a lovely late spring storm. You have described the statically charged anticipated of a storm perfectly. It was fun to read and very well executed.

Poetic Tool Box: Your use of imagery throughout this poem paints a vivid picture of the feel just before a storm. The air charging with electricity and the sky changing from blue (robin's egg blue - way to paint an exact picture for us!) to gray is something that I think every one has experienced.

I have to say, though, that my favorite part was the onomatopoeia at the end. The tip, tip mimics the slow start of the rain leading swiftly to the faster tips and finally the crash of the first sounds of thunder. And then you know that the storm has finally begun.


Favorite lines: The third stanza was my favorite.
"A low voltage samba pulls the skin tight,
as the temperature drops
and the change in pressure
plays with your hearing."

I love the way you describe the thunder as the low voltage samba and I can see and hear the rumbling noises that the first approaching clouds make. It's perfect!

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These are all spot on. Great job!


Parting Comments Thanks for letting me re-live a storm through your words. It was a beautiful poem and I look forward to reading more! Great work!


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