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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "King's Landing updating "  [E], for 🐦GeminiGem🌷 of House Stark. Happy birthday!! Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:

I just had to comment on this piece. I think the pictures at the end are what make the entire story. At first I was picturing a huge family brawl complete with knock outs and throw downs. In my head everyone was human, though and I couldn't imagine what would set people off to the point that there would be bloodshed at the end.


What I Liked: I loved the pictures at the end. Also, I loved the way you described the evolution of the family photo. And the use of dialog to tell the story was wonderful. I felt as if I were a fly on the wall listening to co-workers tell this tale. It was very amusing.




Suggestions: I think this piece is adorable and there isn't much I could suggest. But, one thing that I did get confused on in the piece is that I couldn't quite get a handle on how many people (errr, dogs) were in each shoot. I know that there were more at the beginning than at the end, but I don't know if there's a way to state that without giving away the punchline. Perhaps add in more descriptions of the reactions of the co-workers. Show their facial expressions or more of their mannerisms while holding the photos.



Parting Comments: I loved this little story. It was humorous and entertaining. Thank you for sharing and giving me my own idea for our next Christmas photo. *Smile*


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for
 King's Landing updating   (E)
For GoT scoring
#1157596 by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation
for Harry

First, what a touching and emotional poem. I love the way the story flows through each of the lines carrying me with you to the graveyard and then to the grave site and then to the car ride to the store afterward. Very well done.

Poetic Tool Box: I have to say that free verse is probably one of my favorite forms of poetry to read. Although, I would probably classify this one as more of a prose poem. Then again, poetry can have more than one form. It's certainly not an all or nothing kind of deal. I love the imagery in the poem. The images of Mommie with her arthritic knees emptying the container of dried flowers and replacing them with fresh showed her dedication and perseverance. The way she dabs her eyes and cries after each visit shows how much she loves her son still.

However, I think the true power of this poem lies in the hidden lines that reveal their power in their simplicity. I got chills when I read that the author never knew his uncle, "only his grave." What a picture to paint. In that moment, you've told us readers that the author never had the chance to meet the relative, but that he had been to the grave site often enough to feel as if he knew the uncle.

And then there was the ending where you talk about war taking "the bravest, the best of a nation's young men, robbing the world of their future," and I teared up. War is both a noble and an unjust cause and I believe you illustrated that through the eyes of a child who doesn't quite understand it all yet, but has been affected more than he could ever know.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I realize it's a bit nit-picky, but in the second stanza, you use the word flowers three times. I would recommend a different word throughout. Keep flowers in the first instance, change the second to ones, and then replace flowers in the third instance with blooms. This way you keep your same message, but also give your reader a variety of language to gnaw on. Other than that, the grammar and spelling all look good.


Parting Comments Thank you for sharing this poem. It was very beautifully written. This is one of those unassuming poems that tends to linger with the reader, silently whispering its message long after the reading is done. Keep writing!


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Winter is coming...


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Smee . I'm reviewing your piece
 Highschool Reunion  (18+)
Entry for the LGBT Writing Contest
#2036426 by Smee
for the March "The LGBT Writing Contest - now judging"  as part of my role as judge for that month.

First Impression: I loved the way that your character engaged the reader from the onset. You pulled me into the story and held me there. There are some places that were a little confusing in their telling, but overall it's a cute and fun story that shows a sort of roundabout closure to an intense bullying situation.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall, these were good. I tend to be pulled out of stories by spelling and grammar errors, but this didn't happen in yours.

Characters/Setting: I liked the way that you character tucked me into his arm, like a buddy, right from the very start. I felt like an active participant in the story he told. I actually laughed at the opening paragraph. Very clever.

Just a little tidbit on the setting of the reunion being at the school, they're not allowed to ever serve alcohol in the schools here in the US. I know, it's puritanical, but I would suggest changing the setting to a hotel or some other venue. Especially since the main character relies on the drink for courage to get through the unsettling experience.

What I liked: Hmmm, I liked this story a lot. I liked the stream of consciousness that it followed and the way Mike steers us through the chaos.

And the ending where Simon says "I owe you an apology." Perfect!!

Areas for Improvement: I would have liked to have seen Mike interact with more characters. He makes the assumption that his old school friend is now a jerk in just a few minutes, but that's really all he talks to until he gets to the end of the story and Simon approaches him. What if he talks to Rebecca instead of just watching her? Or maybe the watching is indicative of how he followed her in high school? If so, tell. The other thing I noticed was Simon's partner. It took a minute to understand that it was another person talking. I would say instead of withholding that information, make it to where Mike is confused. Have him tell and show us that he couldn't wrap his brain around this second person. Have him describe the other man in more detail as he tries to comprehend what is happening. Drag that scene out just a little with some dramatic tension from Mike. Have him stare Simon and his partner up and down a few times before his partner goes to get his drink.

In conclusion: As always, this is simply one budding writer's perspective of your work. Thank you so much for allowing me a glimpse into Mike's world, I enjoyed myself there. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! 💙 Carly

I'm here to review your poem "Winter - A Tyburn Poem"  for the Winter I Write Contest.

What can I really say about this piece other than I completely enjoyed it. The style was short and straightforward and you essentially nailed the season with just a few words. I also learned about a new form of poetry in the process. Thank you for sharing. I really have no suggestions for improvement. You've done a great job!

Keep writing!
Brandy


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi Arlondale

As promised, I have read your story
 Skirmish of Alma Portus  (13+)
A short story I recently wrote.
#2022506 by Arlondale
and have put together a review.


First Impression: I think you have a great start to an action/adventure story here. With some work, this could be great.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Definitely go back and check through your grammar and spelling. For example in the beginning you write "signatures" in one sentence and in the next you refer to "signals". Later in the story you write "except" when you should have said "accept" Definitely check for these because they do tend to pull your reader out of your story.

Characters: I feel like you have a good grasp on your characters, and it's sometimes tough in plot-based stories to flesh them out completely, but doing so will add depth and realism to your tale. Right now your characters all seem very one dimensional, including Scott Davis, your protagonist. Adding some details will really help to round him out and make the reader like and root for him.

What I liked: I like the premise that you have laid out. Your story itself is good.

Areas for Improvement: Fleshing out your characters and adding some more depth to them will do much to improve this story and keep your reader engaged. At times I had trouble following the action, so it would also help to describe the happenings a little better. You seem to want to get from one event to the next to your end for fear of losing your reader. However, I would encourage you to allow them to saunter around in the world a bit and become engrossed. It is a fine line because you don't want to go too much, but definitely let them feel like they know these people so that they can care about their success.

Thank you for letting me read your work. Please keep in mind that these suggestions also come from a fledgling writer who is working to hone her craft. If you do make any edits and would like an updated review, please let me know.

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81
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ruwth

I just finished reading "Severe Wind Advisory"  which I found posted in "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: You deliver a beautiful and inspiring message in this short essay. It is a common theme in human life to experience some rain from time to time. But then again, if there is no rain, then there is also no rainbow. Though I am not Christian, your words also spoke to me to show me how connected we remain in this life. Sometimes religion has ways of parting people into groups. Your piece struck a commonality that I found refreshing. Though I don't necessarily trust in the Christian version of God in my own times of trouble, I understand and respect the sentiment of those words.

Suggestions for improvement: I have just a few suggestions. In the beginning, with the poem, it's not clear at first that you are quoting Longfellow's poem. I would suggest making this more clear that these are his words and not your own. I love the poem and think it adds a great deal to your work.

In this sentence " Actually, in life, those who are prepared can not only weather the storm but sometimes come out of the storm better and stronger than when it started." a slight rewrite would help it flow better. Perhaps something like It's been my own experience that we fare much better when we are prepared for the storms, sometimes coming out stronger than when it started. The 'actually' in the original sentence is a bit off-putting to the reader. It sounds preachy and I doubt that's the tone you're intending.

Also, this sentence "The best tool for dealing with the storms of life that I have found is: Trusting God." is a bit awkward. I would suggest a rewrite such as Trusting God or My faith in God is the best tool that I have found for dealing with the storms life brings.

Overall thoughts: Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece. You have a strong and hopeful message. Storms in life are inevitable, but preparedness and faith in something greater than ourselves can see us through anything. Thank you for allowing me to read this today. It's not a piece that I would have normally reviewed, but I am so glad that I did.

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Review of A Cold Farewell  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jellyfish ,

I found your flash fiction story
 A Cold Farewell  (ASR)
Flash fiction story
#2019612 by Jellyfish
in the I Write contest. You were the lucky poster before me and I'd like to offer you my review of your work.

For a short piece of fiction, you packed an incredible punch. The description of the table alluding to previous arguments was brilliantly done. When the piece ended and Jason walked out of the bar with his dramatic flare, I wanted more. I want to read more about their relationship, but then again I feel like I've already experienced it with them. You gave a slice of life for these two, but it was so well done that I felt as if I knew them.

As far as grammatical errors and misspellings, I saw done.

This was a great piece and I wish you the best of luck in your contest.


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Review of Dark Shadows  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi 💙 Carly

Once again, I'm reviewing your poem
Dark Shadows   (E)
Beware the dark shadows.
#2017574 by 💙 Carly
for the I Write competition.

Thank you for allowing me to re-review your piece. I admit that I very much like this poem. It's dark message is one that gets into the soul and messes about a bit, leaving the reader feeling disturbed and a bit afraid. The flow is beautiful and the words are very well chosen.

Well done!


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for entry "Simene" 
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I just finished reading "Simene"  from "Threads in the Tapestry"  and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: Once again, you did a fantastic job pulling me into the story of Merci. I enjoyed meeting Simene and getting to glimpse the interaction between the two characters.

Characters: In this chapter, we learn more about Merci. I was surprised to find that the event from the last chapter where her father left her naked to survive in the wild happened before she was ten. I think I had missed that part completely. For some reason, I pictured her at fourteen during that event. I love the diary entries in the story, though. They are a great way to introduce back story in a fun and fresh way. I feel like Merci is really opening up through her friends in this story.

And we are introduced to Simene, who I liked instantly. He seemed so real and human that I was able to picture him quickly. I like his intelligent awkwardness and he reminds me very much of the mad scientist behind any secret agent operation. He was fun to read.

We also briefly met Roger. He seems like a very take charge, do as I say kind of guy. But I don't get the impression that he's bossy, just that he's used to others doing as he says and listening while he flits off from one interest to the next.

Setting: The setting worked very well to keep this story moving in this chapter. I love the little details that you have included about the road to the sister's house.

Plot: I am definitely hooked on the story and am looking forward to knowing more of what will happen in the story. There was just enough suspense and information in this chapter to keep the pace flowing very well. I could maybe have used a little more during the scene with the twins, maybe added a little more information, plot twist to the story, but overall, it's good.

Grammar and Spelling: I saw no glaring errors in this chapter.

Suggestions for improvement:

In this sentence He soon understood that books would be his only escape from a cloistered, poverty-stricken world, and he devoured them at every opportunity, especially technical manuals. I think that changing soon to quickly would convey your meaning a little better.

Also in the sentence Understanding that a screaming, squirming, fear-possessed five-year-old meant no more birthdays for Merci clicked in my adolescent brain. there seems to be something off about using the word adolescent here. Maybe the word childish or fledgling would work better? Adolescent brings to mind teenager, and you are portraying her as a 5 year old now.


Overall thoughts: Overall, I enjoyed this chapter very much. However, I admit that I had to pause my reading several times through it. I may suggest when seeking publication for this piece to break this chapter into two or even three chapters. The scene where Merci shows Simene her sheet seems like a natural stopping point for one chapter and leaves enough suspense to lead into the next one. Also, the scene where Merci travels to the sister's house could fit nicely into it's own chapter and then you would have the room to add more details to this part.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece today. I hope that my observations have been helpful to you. I really enjoyed the story and look forward to seeing where it goes. Please let me know if you would like for me to review any of your other chapters.

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for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by MontyB
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Escape Artist

I just finished reading "Invalid Entry"  from
BOOK
Threads in the Tapestry  (13+)
Merci Pleasant is about to receive a gift from ...
#1968533 by Escape Artist
and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: I like this chapter as well. It was long, but we learned a great deal about Merci and her backstory.

Characters: Merci still feels a little stand-offish, but I feel like we got to know here a bit in this scene. She's obviously very loving as well, as evidenced by how well she cares for her cat. And she seems to have a nice plot of land off the Puget Sound (can I say jealous!). We're also introduced to Rho and Simene, two characters that seem like they will play very important roles throughout the rest of the story.

Setting: I like the description of the setting, however, I do feel like I got a little lost in the description of the bunker. I had to re-read it a couple of times to get the image in my head. I think a more concise description would help here. I like the little tidbits (the wall of pictures) gave it a great flair. But I think the description got to be a bit overwhelming at times.

Plot: These chapter seemed to lay down backstory rather than advance plot. Merci is getting ready to head someplace just as her boyfriend is preparing to return (correct?). I think my favorite part of this entire chapter was the diary scene. I felt like I was there with her through that experience with the panther and it gave a great insight on Merci and her father. That was very well done.

Grammar and Spelling: My suggestions are within the sentences below.

And like yeast tossed into unleavened dough, she was feeling a raising rising pressure. Yeast rises.

Although Merci had never revealed the paranormal MacGuffin in her head to anyone until after her grandmother's death,. in In that traumatic wake, she found herself in a bad place.

The utter aloneness tragedy of losing the last member of her family invoked feelings that were both distracting and unwanted unwelcome—hopelessness, and, the most unfamiliar of all:, fear. Perhaps it's personal preference, but having an ing and an ed adjective right next to each other seems awkward.

Soon enough, her subliminal demon reappeared, but that particular late night visitation spurred her into action. They were beginning to piss her off, and now, with her new found wealth, she had the means to search for answers. I'm confused here. She has one demon, right? Who are the 'they'?

Only her friend Roger Bannon, an old colleague of her mother's, and an astronomical engineer working for NOAA at the Space Weather Prediction Center, had given her inklings that something external might be at play.

Suggestions for improvement: More action!! The descriptions are lovely and you have a wonderful way with words, but I got lost in them at times.


Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece today. I look forward to seeing where you take it with your edits. Please let me know if, after you edit, you would like an updated review.

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Review of Dark Shadows  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 💙 Carly . I'm reviewing your poem
Dark Shadows   (E)
Beware the dark shadows.
#2017574 by 💙 Carly
for the I Write challenge.

I want to first start off by saying how much I enjoyed this poem. There is something about dark pieces that just have a disturbing way of getting under my skin and crawling around for a bit before they settle in. I love it. Writing should invoke feeling in the reader and yours certainly does that. Your imagery was remarkable. I loved the image of the shadows coming out from the corners of rooms and taking on a sinister life of their own. I'm sure I sound a bit disturbed, but it was just brilliant to me. It seemed like the shadows became the embodiment of everything dark and sinister within people. That if we allow them to overtake us, if we choose the path of darkness and hate, then we end up empty and unholy. The only things left of our soul are the dark shadows that then go on to hunt others. The wicked, vicious cycle of hatred. You have done a remarkable job with this and I applaud your efforts. I also quite enjoyed the visual appeal of the poem itself. Adding the spaces so that the lines are staggered and reminiscent of claw marks was true genius. The only thing I would suggest adding is punctuation. I think dashes and commas will add to the piece by setting off portions that you want your reader to emphasize. Right now it reads as a very long sentence, but adding the pauses in there will add drama to the words.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece. You did a fantastic job and I loved reading it. Thank you so much for sharing and allowing me to review it.

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Review by MontyB
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Escape Artist

I just finished reading "Merci"  from "Threads in the Tapestry"  and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: Wow, wow, wow! Consider me hooked after reading this first chapter.

Characters: In this chapter, we're introduced to three characters; Merci, her demon, and her cat. The only one I feel I can comment on, though, is Merci. She seems to have erected a wall around herself that even the reader doesn't feel quite let in. Normally, I would encourage more openness with the characters, but this really seems to work here. I'm intrigued enough by her to not be put off by being shut out of her world/thoughts/psyche. It just seems that this is another part of her personality, so naturally she would even act that way toward the reader.

Setting: A couple months back, my husband was offered a job in Seattle and we flew out there to check out the city. Your descriptions trigger my memories of being there as well as my longing to go back. I especially love this sentence:"The bumper-to-bumper traffic flowing down the freeways appeared organic, like white blood cells pumping through transparent arteries." What an image! And it so perfectly describes what the traffic looks like there.

Plot: The plot seems to be coming along nicely. Had this been a published paper novel, I would have quickly turned the page for chapter 2. I can tell we're being set up for something, which is exactly what I would expect from a first chapter. And your hook is quite nice. I have a ton of questions that I'm hoping get answered, but I'm also in this for the long haul.


Grammar and Spelling: I only saw one minor error that I think was more mis-fingering rather than misspelling.

In the sentence "usually put her out like a sap to the back of the head", I think that you meant to write zap here instead of sap.

Suggestions for improvement: I have none.

Overall thoughts: Overall...I can't wait to get into chapter 2!!

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Review of To Save a Patient  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Magicmama

I just finished reading "Invalid Item"  which I found in the Newbie's Academy Review Requests and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: I wasn't quite sure what a steam car was and why a groom would be helping a woman out of it at first, but the intrigue was enough to draw me into the story. I would have liked to have seen more descriptions of your setting, but I enjoyed the opening.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Spelling and grammar were very good. The only error I saw was toward the end in the sentence He looked up, annoyed and laughed. Annoyed needs another comma so that it reads: He looked up, annoyed, and laughed.

Characters/Setting: I would like to see more from the characters. I think you do well with setting them up, but they feel almost cardboard. I can see in your writing that you know a great deal about Elizabeth and I believe you have the ability to flesh her out more for your reader. She sounds so interesting and I want to know more about her. And I want to know more about Henry too. What is he like. He doesn't approve of Elizabeth's line of work, but how does he treat her? He was very readily dismissed by her. Is that how their relationship works?

What I liked: I very much enjoyed this story, and even more so as I read it a second time. I think Elizabeth is an interesting character and I would love to follow her on her exploits.

Areas for Improvement: This is a wonderful little story and I think it could be fleshed out to become a much bigger piece of fiction. The tale is interesting, as is your main character. I am a greedy reader, though, and hated to see it end. Good job on this. I can't wait to read more of Elizabeth's exploits.

MontyB


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Review of Soukee  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi TJ Marie

I just finished reading "Soukee"  for the I Write September/October/November challenge and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: Firstly, poor Soukee! What a way to go. It took me a minute to understand what was happening to her, but wowee, the poor thing.

Characters and Setting: As I'm involved in the NaNo Prep Challenge as well, I understand the time crunch we were under. However, I would have liked to have learned more about Soukee. What did she look like? Is her hair long or short? Is she young or old? Help me to connect with her. Maybe you could give us some internal dialog. What does she think when she sees the fireballs coming from the sky? Also, why is she sitting by the water? Does she often do this? Does she have a big decision to make?

Grammar and Spelling: The one issue I notice is that you tend to shift between past and present tense, sometimes in the same sentence. For example you write: All she could do is laid on the ground and used her arms to curl in a ball. The tenses don't match and it muddles your meaning a bit. It would be more clear if you would write: All she can do is lay on the ground and curl her body into the shape of a ball. or All she could do was lay on the ground and curl her body into the shape of a ball. Can is present tense where could is past. Definitely make sure your tenses agree. Readers tend to get cranky about tense shifts.

Suggestions for improvement: First, definitely check for tense shifts. Either write it all in past tense (was, would, were) or in present tense (is, are, am). Second, there are some sentences that are a bit confusing. For example There are some bright balls blinking is what it looks like. A better way to write this could be She squinted as she looked to the sky. "I wonder what those bright balls are?" she thought just as the first hit the ground next to where she sat.

Overall thoughts: Overall, I like your premise and I look forward to seeing where you go with your story.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece today. I look forward to seeing where you take it with your edits. Please let me know if, after you edit, you would like an updated review.


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Review of Annie  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607

I just finished reading "Annie"  and I would like to offer you my comments. I found your story through the PDG review class. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: Right off the bat, your dark and stormy night and Annie's scream set the stage for something truly frightful and intense. I had to look around the grammar and the spelling errors quite a few times in order to find the story, but it was there waiting for me each time.

Characters and Setting: From my understanding, you had 2 characters in this story - Annie and her dog. I think it could be argued that the storm is a third character, perhaps your antagonist? While I enjoyed Annie's character and felt some of her fear, I would have liked to see more from her. You tell us that she's worried and that she is afraid that someone is outside. What happened to her? You can absolutely allude to it without telling us the reason. Annie screamed as the thunder crashed outside. "Oh my god, was that the window?" Her heart raced and panic balled in her throat. Someone was outside, she just knew it. Annie ducked under the blankets, trying desperately to shut the world away. "Please, please, please," she whispered into her tear-soaked pillow. "I can't go through it again." Do you see how that makes Annie a more active character and shows her intense fear, but doesn't tell us why she's afraid?

The other issue to consider is to stay consistent with what Annie can and cannot do. In one sentence you tell us that her hands don't work, but in the next we see her pull the covers over her head. Definitely watch these as they also work to pull your reader out of the story.

Also, in some places we're given information that doesn't truly add to the story. But, I think you could work it in. Perhaps Annie's knitting in bed? Maybe her friends just left her house? How can you tell us that she has lots of friends and likes to knit without saying "Annie is popular and likes to knit"?

Finally, I'm assuming that Annie is in her bedroom in her house during a thunderstorm. Can you give us more details about her room? Is she on the second floor? On the first? Is there a tree scratching her window? Does she keep hearing noises downstairs? These things will help intensify the drama and will pull your reader into Annie's world. Let us feel her terror completely. One of the best things about fiction is the ability to get completely and utterly lost in another's world for a bit. You've begun this journey with us now take us the rest of the way.

Grammar and Spelling: I think this work would benefit from a full edit. There are several misspellings throughout, but they seem to be words that are homophones to the word you intended to use so I can't tell if they're true misspellings or simply spell checker gone haywire. For example: her waste waist was small, that bit into her sole soul, she was too weaked weak, Her breathes breaths, and several more. A careful read should catch these and help you correct them.


Overall thoughts: First, congratulations on winning the 'bad fiction' contest. You certainly have done that well. However, there is also a story here that could be quite good. I enjoyed my time with Annie and Buster, though the ending was sad, and I would like to see where you take this story.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece today. I look forward to seeing where you take it with your edits. Please let me know if, after you edit, you would like an updated review.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Skitterdimdamji  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Weirdone-Back in the games

I discovered your piece "Skitterdimdamji"  because you are the lucky poster ahead of me in the I Write Challenge. I have read and would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your stories out for critique and review.

First Impression: First impressions of the story were positive. The characters seemed to lack depth, but I understand how that can be tough to create in a first draft, which many of our contest entries are.

Characters and Setting: Overall, I liked the characters. The English teacher seemed a bit flat, as did Michael and the other 2 guys. I would have liked to see them with some more dimension. You tell us that Jason dreads Michaels torment, I didn't quite understand that relationship. Was Michael supposed to be a bully? A Frenemy? They seemed to talk more like friends razzing each other than actual enemies.

Jason's character was ok. He seemed a little pompous, but I suppose that is to be expected from a teenage boy. I'm sure we're to assume that he's just an average, run of the mill teenager. He likes sports, but isn't a jock. He plays video games for fun and does average in school. He's searching for his identity and questioning authority, but he also respects it. This is the impression I got of him.

My most favorite character was Ms. Critchley. There's so much depth given to her, probably because we all know the cliché of the lonely old woman in the house who used to be a famous somebody. But, despite the cliché, I felt drawn to her. I can understand why Jason wanted to be in her presence. She's a very warm character.

Grammar and Spelling: Spelling was pretty good. There were a few grammar issues, though. For example, you had some subject/verb agreement issues. If your subject is singular (I) then your verb needs to also be singular (was, not were).

Suggestions for improvement: I would recommend adding more depth to your characters. Michael and Jason seem to have a rivalry going. Why? Give us details. Michael seems to be more than just a school yard bully. What is he to Jason? Ms Cierski also seems a bit stagnant and mean. Is there anything likeable about her? Does Jason's reading impress her? Does it change her opinion of him?

Overall thoughts: Overall, I enjoyed the story. You have a great start here and I'd love to see where you take it with your edits.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece today. I enjoyed the story and hope to read more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of new fears  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hi Rhyssa

I found your poem "new fears"  on the Random Review link and I would like to offer you my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your poems out for critique and review.

First Impression: I loved this poem. I laughed so hard during the entire reading and even had to read it to my family so that they could laugh too.

My favorite lines are:
"Cause even though my rotten limbs
are difficult to tether
some dental floss and superglue
will stitch me back together."

Grammar and Spelling: I saw absolutely no spelling or grammar errors. I was too engaged by the tale. On a second (ok, fifth) reading, I see that there are some places that need a comma added to make the sentence grammatically correct. For example "I'll lurch them down and eat their brains/and then work on their friends." I would recommend a comma after brains here.

Suggestions for improvement: The only suggestions I can offer are the addition of some commas.

Overall thoughts: Great poem! I'm so glad that I found your poem today.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your piece. I very much enjoyed it and am looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep up the great writing!

MontyB


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Creature  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good morning. I hope that you are enjoying your quiet and coffee this morning (or your tea this afternoon, depending on your location in the world) as I am. I happened upon your story when I checked the I write forum. I know that it is not my turn to review your work, but I hope that it is okay that I do so anyway.


First Impression: I very much enjoyed this story about your cricket friend. I'm sorry that he met an untimely death. I love the way you weave the tale and inject humor throughout.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Grammar and spelling look good. The one suggestion I would make would be to not start the story in passive voice. Instead of saying "I was..." you could try "My fingers typed swiftly that morning as words poured from them to the computer screen when a loud and strange chirp jerked me from my story world." Or something else. Opening the story in active voice will help your readers stay engaged with the story.

Characters/Setting: I loved the characters, but I would definitely like to know more about them. What did Rhoda and Conner look like? How long have you two been friends? What makes her special? And the same with setting, what does your writing room look like? Colors? Windows? etc.

What I liked: I think this is an adorable tale and I smiled through most of it. I laughed at the end when no one had the heart to injure the fly further.

Areas for Improvement: As I suggested before, check the passive voice and get rid of 'was' wherever possible. Also, I'd love to see more about the characters and setting within your story.

This certainly was a fun story to read this morning. Thank you for sharing it. I look forward to reading more of your work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by MontyB
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I very much enjoyed this story. There were a couple of places (where Momma talked about the preacher seeing your protagonist with Liam at the bridge) where I had to go back and re-read in order to understand what was happening. But, I think that had more to do with the dialect itself being foreign to me than your writing style. You had a very clear idea of your characters and each of them had distinct personalities and motivations. I see no grammatical nor spelling errors throughout and the story flowed very well. I have to admit, I'd love to know what secret the girl had and what they had thrown into the water. Your story was rich and very well done. I would definitely give this a 5 star review. Very well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Why me?  
Review by MontyB
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an amazing and powerful piece about bullying. I'd love to know what the resolution was. Did the boy get help? Did the girls find him? Does this have a happy ending or does it end in tragedy? There are so many places you could go with this premise. I mean, the issue of bullying is huge right now and this definitely feels like a needed piece for our world. My heart is pounding right now and even though I know it's a story, I need a resolution for your character. I hope that you do something with this and I would love to read it when you do!
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Review of Books just books  
Review by MontyB
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think you have done a good job conveying a writer's love (and perhaps hoarding tendencies, at least in my case) of books. I think it's helpful to look at what we have on our own shelves. We are able to see what our own attractions are and what books draw us in and hold us captive. It's from these books that we learn to write our own.

Overall, you have written a good piece. There are a few places where the sentence structure is a bit muddled. For example, your first line seems a bit awkward. I would suggest changing it to: My eyes scan the countless rows of books (or single row or however many you have) all lined up like soldiers awaiting battle. I stop on a few of them to examine more closely the role they played in my life. What drew me to them? How do they help me? What did I gain from them? There's always something to gain, even from the worst of the lot.

Don't be afraid to get personal. Readers respond to personal. Why did you buy the marriage books? Were they a gift from a well meaning friend? mother? mother-in-law? Why have they sat on your shelf instead of being donated? What was it about the ghost book that you had to read it all the way through? How does your dictionary look? Are the pages worn? Also, maybe try saying something more to the effect of "so many words have been added since I purchased it, but still it remains my trusty sidekick."

I hope that my review has helped you. Please remember that this is simply the opinion of one person. You are a wonderful writer.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Disappearance  
Review by MontyB
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. As a fellow writer, I think it's important to read and critique the works of those around us. Your words help me and it is my hope that mine help you.


First Impression: An exciting story about the adventure a little girl must embark on in order to find her family who have been taken by a strange creature. I love the premise of this story. How very exciting. My oldest daughter loves these fairy stories and I think this one would be right up her alley.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: There are some instances of passive voice throughout that could me made active to strengthen the story. With a story that promises so much action, you want to make sure your sentences deliver.

Characters/Setting: Great characters. It seems you have a firm grasp on who each one is and have presented them well. One suggestion would be to show a soft spot in Brad. I know he's a trickster, but perhaps there's a moment after Nana's death where he comforts his sister during a particularly rough time for her?

What I liked: I like the premise of this story. I think that this is something that my oldest daughter would very much enjoy reading.

Areas for Improvement: The family's grief after grandma's death seems to be glossed over. I'm not sure if this is done intentionally because this is intended as a children's story, but I think it can be shown more convincingly without delving all the way into the depths.

Great story! I'm looking forward to reading more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a fun and entertaining story! Thank you for the laugh tonight. I very much enjoyed this. I saw no spelling or grammar errors. And, your story seemed to be fleshed out very well. You have a very nice and concise writing style that makes your story easy to read.

Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of WILDFLOWERS  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi R.J. I found your story on the "Read a Newbie" page. First, Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy it here. Now, I'd like to review your story "WildFlowers"

Overall Impression: thought it was a nice story that would lend well to further development into something longer and publishable.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Watch your tenses. You shifted between past and present tense a few times. Spelling was pretty good, no glaring errors. Sentence structure was also fairly good. I think once you fix the tense shifts, you'll have most of the grammar worked out.

What I liked: I loved the premise of the story. I think this could be a great first chapter. Who is this little girl? Why did she show herself to your protagonist? You really do have the start of a potentially amazing novel/novella.

Areas for Improvement: I think that an edit and a re-read of the story will help you to catch and fix the tense shifts. Also, watch the passive voice. Instead of starting your story with "It was a cold April morning...", you could say "I stepped into the fog that cold April morning, a woman on a mission. The streets still held remnants of the previous nights rain storm and I did my best to avoid the many puddles." Your story is very short, so you want to make sure to hook the reader as soon as possible.

Again, you have a good story here. If you revise and would like another review, I'd be happy to help! Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Agnes  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have an amazing gift for character development. I loved Agnes and her outlook on life. I, too, wanted to sit on her front porch and sip some lemonade with Rick and Amy. And the story was beautiful. The only thing I missed was the conflict. After living so many years in her home, surely there were memories that were hard to let go? I think it would have had a very powerful impact on just how tough the decision to leave was if Agnes had been shown having trouble letting something go? Perhaps one of the salt shakers was one that Oliver gave her for their wedding and she had a moment of doubt? Or a moment of nostalgia over the past? I think that would add a great deal of depth to Agnes.

Overall it was a very nice story and I very much enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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