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26
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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Than Pence I am here to review your story "Becky and the Fairy"  [13+] for week 1 of the I Write contest. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: Those little fairies certainly are tricksters, aren't they? This was a fun story with a very interesting (and a bit scary) premise. You did a good job with the pacing of the story and I found the characters interesting and believable.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: These all looked pretty good.

Characters/Setting: I like the characters of Becky and Dilandra. They are rich and entertaining. I liked how Becky even wonders if the fairy is able to see any boogers up her nose. It's the little things that give characters life and you did well with this.

What I liked: I very much liked the premise of this story. It was fun reading and engaging throughout.

Areas for Improvement: There is some passive voice in here that you do want to watch for as in this case it pushes your reader out of the experience within the story. For example, you say She felt her eyes water now while sitting. Phrases like she felt, she noticed, she realized can work to erect a wall between your reader and the story. Instead, pull them in by making them feel like they're inside the action. So another way to reword that sentence (and the one following) could be: She sat on the rock and palmed eyes that overflowed with tears. Guilt nibbled at her conscious. What if she had hurt Aaron? She should go back and check. It was the right thing to do.

I very much enjoyed this piece and am so glad that I was able to review it. Keep writing!

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27
27
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for "Products of Our Generation"  [E] written by Ethan . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: This is an interesting perspective on people and how we are all products of our culture. As a modern woman, it's sometimes easy to forget that we didn't always have it as good as we do now. It's easy to forget the past or to look toward them with judgmental eyes - the same eyes that I'm certain those in the future will look at us with.

Poetic Tool Box: They rhythm and rhyme in this poem was good. You followed a very consistent aabbccdd... pattern. And your extra long civil war line in the middle served as a nice break from preventing monotony within the rhythm. It almost acted like it was meant to make certain your reader was paying attention. I enjoyed it.

Favorite lines: It's so hard to choose. I like the opening of the poem quite a bit. We are all striving for individuality and uniqueness in these days of mass manufactured goods and services. Yet, when it comes down to it, we all have our little areas where we fit in.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These look good. I saw no issues.

Parting Comments: This was an interesting and intriguing poem and commentary on the state of the human race at any point in time. And perhaps a cautionary tale for us to not judge so harshly? Well done. Keep writing.



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28
28
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for "A Home I’ll Never See"  [E] written by Keaton Foster: Know My Hell! . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: This is a poem that packs quite a wallop in it's short lines. There is pain and longing evident throughout, and yet at the end there is a sort of resignation that almost gives hope. That there are some things that are better left unfinished could almost mean the poet's life. His life is not yet finished. He has no foundation, but he has places to go. This poem is a mourning of a lost ideal home and also a choice to continue. At least I hope it is. It's incredibly moving nonetheless.

Poetic Tool Box: There is something so raw and real about free-verse poetry. Oftentimes it's as if the poet has opened a vein and bled the words all over the page. This is one of those pieces. The imagery of the children playing as the lone poet watches and wishes is heart wrenching. The one suggestion I would give is to vary your line lengths. I think this will help with the emotional punches you are going for in the words here. Each line being only a few words, the poem starts to become monotone, and this is not a monotone poem at all.

Favorite lines: I loved the last 3 lines about some things better left unfinished...

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: You have made the choice to not use punctuation with the exception of the ellipses at the end. I would encourage you to put it in. Commas and periods add to the rhythm and tell your readers where to breathe and where to pause.

Parting Comments: This was a wonderful poem to read. You have true poetic talent. Keep writing.



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Review of A Day Too Soon  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "A Day Too Soon"  [E] written by 🌕 HuntersMoon . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: What can a lowly student of poetry possibly say to a master other than thank you for showing me how it is to be done. I doubt that Shakespeare himself could have written a sonnet so well (and I hear rumors he was quite adept at them.).

Poetic Tool Box: Each line is a perfect representation of iambic pentameter and your rhymes are superb. I'm not sure if I liked the day/bouquet rhyme better or majesty/infinity. You have a clear understanding of this form of poetry and I am in awe of your aptitude.

Favorite lines: I'm not sure I can choose. I would say that the first quatrain is my favorite, but then I read the second and I really like it too. Then I move to the third and it's really good. And then I read the final couplet and it's brilliant. So, no, I don't suppose I have a favorite.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: All spot on. I saw no issues.

Parting Comments: Normally, I like to give suggestions - no writing is ever perfectly perfect, right - but with this piece, I can't find anything to suggest. It's a pleasant read with a deep and easily understood meaning. Pure perfection.

Keep writing!



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30
30
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A House Stark Review for "A Secret Worth Keeping"  [18+] written by 🇺🇸 Carol St.Ann 🇺🇸 . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: This was a truly heartfelt and well-written piece of fiction. I felt as if I was there with Tommy and Ruby as they planned out their escape. There's a great deal of conflict and drama in this piece and I like that not all of it was resolved at the end. Life is certainly like that. Not everything is tied into a neat bow at the end.

Characters: The characters were good. They were complex and real. I would have liked to have seen a little more showing though. For example, Tommy felt like a horse's ass- how so? How does a horses ass feel? Show us him gulping and blushing and staring at the ground. Show us the interaction between Liam and Tommy. Make us care about their relationship too.


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Just saw one little quick thing. the dear path - I think you mean deer here.

Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. I had a great time reading it. You are very skilled at the art of storytelling. If you do choose to edit, I would definitely recommend taking every opportunity to show that you can. These are such rich and vibrant characters, they deserve the time for the reader to linger and get to know them. And as a greedy reader, I know I want that too.

Keep writing!



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Review of Use as Directed  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A House Stark Review for {ritem:, for of House . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: This was a funny story and quite a cautionary tale about making sure to follow all directions!

Characters: We learn quite a few things about Joe and Jessica. Joe is very smart, graduating at the top of his class and getting offered his dream job right out of college. And Jessica is a bit headstrong and impatient. I felt for her at the end. However, I think had you gone deeper into the characters, it would have packed far more of an emotional punch when you revealed your ending. I'm not sure what Joe's job at the lab had to do with Jessica. I'm assuming that it was his lab that created the medication? Maybe make that more clear? And I would have loved to have seen more dialog between these two characters. It would have helped to establish them as people as well as secure their relationship.

Suggestions: I have a few:

*CheckV* In your first sentence, consider cutting 'even in the short time he'd been there.' Since you've already told us that he's worked in the lab for 5 years, the added information at the end does nothing to add to the story.

*CheckV* He was proud to be a part of that and enjoyed the job he did. I think you're missing something from this sentence.

*CheckV*the first week that Jessica took them and she was ecstatic I believe you would want to use had taken instead of took in this instance.


Parting Comments: This was a cute story that would benefit from a bit of editing work. You have your basic structure and framework, now you just need to add in the details that hook your reader and hold them there until the end.

Keep writing!



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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "The Lesson of Parenthood"  [E], for trillian163 . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: As a parent of two daughters, the title of this piece intrigued me. My girls are pre-teens now and some days I worry that I have missed some of the most valuable lessons that parenthood has to give. The message within this poem made me smile because it is the absolute truth. Only when we take the time to slow down and look at what is truly important do we learn what it means to be a parent.

Poetic Tool Box: Though short, your poem packs a valuable message. The abcb defe rhyme scheme works well. And your stanzas have a nice rhythm. Each line has between 5 and 6 beats which helps with the flow. However, line 6 has 7 beats. With the rhythm of the others, it did cause me to stumble a bit and I would suggest taking that back down to either 5 or 6 beats. You could change covering to cloaking and it would keep your meaning plus keep your rhythm pattern.

Favorite lines: I like the last line the best. The house sounds active and the parent sounds busy trying to keep up with it all. But then they stop and look for just a moment to see and appreciate the perfection around them. It's lovely.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all look good.

Parting Comments: This was a sweet and enjoyable poem. I liked it very much! Keep writing!



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33
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Review of The Land Of Ons  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "The Land Of Ons"  [E], for Sum1 . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: This piece certainly made me giggle througout as the main character, Susan, learns about the land that she has now arrived in. I laughed at the end. It's a very clever and poignant message you've given your reader here. For those who think that they have learned everything there is to learn and can learn no more are truly Mor-ons.

Characters: I thought both of your characters were brilliant. I loved the little Ons and the matter of fact way they answered the questions of the human. And then I liked Susan a lot too. She's curious and bright and definitely not yet a mor-on.

Suggestions: I can't say that I have any suggestions for this piece. I think for what it's meant to do, it does it brilliantly. Very enjoyable read.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: All spot on. I saw no issues.

Parting Comments: Thanks for the laugh this morning. I very much enjoyed reading this piece. I thought it was funny and so very deep in its assessment of the world. We are all here for lessons. We all have things to learn and as long as we continue our search, we are intelligent people. But the minute the quest for knowledge stops, so too does our intelligence. Thanks for the reminder to always keep learning.

Keep Writing!



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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for "My Internet's Not Working"  [18+], for Stinky . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: I have to admit, your piece had me giggling so hard throughout it. My husband works in IT and this conversation sounds like something he had to deal with early on in his career and then later when he would provide 'tech support' to family and friends. Things like what happened in your tale were what made him stop doing that for them.

Characters: I liked the strictly dialog formatting with some internal dialog thrown in for good measure, but at times it was a little difficult to understand who was speaking. I'm not advocating speech tags by any means, but I do recommend making it a tad more clear in the beginning. Perhaps a small introduction would help? Even to say something like "Every day in tech support was a new adventure" ... or "you never knew what was going to happen at my job." Just something to let us know which character is your protagonist and which is your antagonist would be helpful. It's easy enough to figure out halfway through, but at the beginning, it's a bit confusing.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all look good. No issues that I saw.

Parting Comments: Thank you for the laugh today. I definitely needed it. Keep writing!



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35
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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A House Stark Review for " A Tribute to my Mother"  [E], for Preciouswrtr . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: What a beautiful tribute to your mother. My husband's grandmother had Alzheimer's as well. It's such a tough disease on everyone involved. I'm sure your mom is so happy that you have these memories of her being your rock and your foundation. Those are the things we treasure in life. I know it helps my husband to think of the years he got to spend with his Granny and all the things they did together. Reading this reminded me of that, and I thank you.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: There are quite a few spelling and grammar errors in this piece that do make reading it difficult. I have a couple suggestions to help with that issue.

*CheckV* First, be careful with capitalizing in the middle of sentences. When you describe your mom as your rock, rock should not be capitalized.

*CheckV* There are places where you have commas and then you have capital letters next to them with no spacing. You want to add spacing between words so that your readers are able to read your sentences. Also, after a comma, you would want to use lower case unless the word is a Proper noun (name of a person, name of a city, etc).


*CheckV* Watch your use of ellipsis (your ...), there should always only be three and it's best to use them sparingly.

*CheckV* Some spelling issues: gleem should be gleam and Alsztimers should be Alzheimer's

Parting Comments: Thank you for allowing me to read this beautiful tribute to your mother. I'm sure she would have loved it. She seemed like such a wonderful person and I'm honored to have the opportunity to know her through your words.

Keep writing!



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Review of Sole Survivor  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "Sole Survivor"  [13+], for Cat Voleur . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: Wow! That twist at the end really got me and it kind of made me smile. A strange reaction, I'm sure. But I couldn't help it. You had me completely believing one thing and then at the end it was an entirely new reality. I loved it.

Characters: Or character, right, as she is the last. I don't want to give away the twist at the end in case anyone else wants to read, but I thought your character was great. It was sad to think of a world where no one survived. I wondered how she survived and then I wondered at her lack of emotion about surviving. And then it all made sense and the story wrapped up so well.

{dropnote:spoilery stuff} Okay, I just can't not say it. I was totally floored when I found out that she was a zombie. And I'm not sure why I think it's a she, but it just seems fitting that a woman would be both the birth of life and the end of it, you know. But I was reading and thinking, she seems so flat and uncaring. Like she sees all this stuff, but her emotion is gone. And then it all made perfect sense as to why it was gone. Brilliant!

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked great! No issues.

Parting Comments: This story was awesome. Thanks for sharing it. Keep writing!



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Review of Color scheme  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A House Stark Review for "Color scheme"  [ASR], for LilLadyBug . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: This is a poem with a straightforward and powerful message that gets a bit lost in all of the words. I love what you are trying to do here and I think the message is great and it's something that people need to hear. With just a bit of cutting and editing, this piece could be the punch in the gut that opens someone's eyes to the issues happening today.

Poetic Tool Box: As a poet who tends to write more free-verse, I found myself absolutely loving your use of a single rhyme for each stanza. I thought that was brilliant and helped to convey the overall message of your poem. A small suggestion would be to perhaps employ some alliteration or enjambment in the stanza for a bit more word play.

Favorite lines: Color doesn’t make one an afterthought, - I got chills when I read this line. So beautifully succinct in it's powerful message. I absolutely loved it.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: The lovely thing about poetry is having the freedom to play with punctuation. You did very well with this throughout. I saw no issues that need attention.

Parting Comments: I very much enjoyed reading this poem. It's pertinent and vital to our world today. I would encourage you to condense a bit to make it more readable. Some of your stanzas seem to repeat the same idea several times and that can turn readers away from completing their read, which I absolutely don't want them to do. This is a poem that needs to be read by everyone and a concept we all need to understand. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!



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Review of Horseshoe Canyon  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A House Stark Review for "Horseshoe Canyon"  [E], for ruwth . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: Thank you for sharing this trip down memory lane. It was a lovely read and I'm so glad that I found it. I'm glad that you called them crawdads too. I always have to wonder what a crayfish is when I hear the term. I remember catching them as a kid as well and we tried to bring them home too. My mom wasn't so happy with our choice there.

Though this was a non-fiction story, it would make a great creative non-fiction piece. It would have been fun to have been transported with you to that time and place as we relived those summer days alongside you and your friends. Who were your friends? What were their names? How did you all talk to each other? Take us into the memory with you. It's fun to hear about them, but to relive it with you would take it to another level.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked pretty good. I didn't see any issues.

Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing this memory. It was an enjoyable read and now I'm so tempted to take my girls to find a creek where they can catch some crawdads (although I'm not sure we have them out here like they do back home). Also, I think the part about the free clay was funny. Who was the first to come up with that idea?

Thanks for sharing! Keep writing.



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39
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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A House Stark Review for "Silence of the Lamps"  [13+], for Cat Voleur . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: I enjoyed reading this super creepy piece of fiction. Ghost stories are always lots of fun. My one complaint with this one is the amount of backstory that we were given. In a way I understand why you put it in, but then again, I don't think we really needed to know why Jane and John got together. It doesn't add much to the story.

Characters: I liked your characters. I think they could have been a bit deeper through the use of some more dialog, but otherwise, I thought you did a great job describing them.

Setting: The hotel was very creepy and you did a great job describing it. There were some times that seemed a bit off. For example, you mentioned going to the buffet and then a few sentences later mentioned not seeing anyone in the hotel. I don't know why that struck me as odd, but it did really stand out to me.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These looked good. No issues that pulled me from the story.

Parting Comments: I think you have the potential for a truly great story here. The beginning needs trimmed, however. It got annoying to hear Jane profess over and over that she wasn't a writer. And I am not sure that we really needed the diatribe about how they met or that Jane was John's arm candy. I think I would gladly trade more information and a more intense climax at the end for all the information we're given at the beginning. I do love the premise here and I hope that you choose to tighten your story because this could be something great!

Keep writing!



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Review of The Salon  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A House Stark Review for "The Salon"  [E], for QPdoll . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: I very much enjoy these little slice of life stories. And I can certainly relate to the frustrations of driving in traffic. I know we've all been there where we're so focused on our task at hand that we make a mistake. The one thing I wondered throughout this story was Why. Why was Kathryn going to this salon? What was special about it? It seems that it was a new salon to her as she had trouble finding it. So tell us why she needed to find it.

Characters: We're only introduced to Kathryn in this story. Sometimes these flash fiction pieces make it difficult to truly introduce a single character, let along multiple, but when it's done, it's truly great. You gave us quite a bit of information about Kathryn - she's able to be distracted, she gets lost, and she is in desperate need of some time at a salon for some reason. You really have the start of a good character here.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: There was only one issue that I saw. "she didn't drive down far enough." - honestly, the word choice here makes your meaning confusing. It would sound better to change it to 'she hadn't drove down far enough."

Parting Comments: This was a fun piece to read and could be a great story with some edits. Thanks for sharing!



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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "The Hive's Last Stand"  [E], for Dan Sturn . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: I thought this was a delightfully insightful social commentary piece. We humans work so hard to control the world around us and all things in it, but the reality is that life goes on despite our best intentions. I love how you were able to point this out in such a poignant and humorous way.

Poetic Tool Box: Rhyming couplets can be some of the more difficult poetic devices to pull off well, but even your rhymes that don't fully rhyme work well and don't pull from the poem's meaning. You have done well in keeping the meter and rhythm of the poem succinct and clean. The lines flow well from one to the next without unintended hesitation or interruption.

Favorite lines:

and we killed Galileo, though we kept his scope. -I thing this line here more than any other illustrates the entire issue with the human race. We're always thirsting for more knowledge and more understanding of the world around us, yet we seek to persecute those who would dare to hold beliefs different from our own. Although, when we look at the hive that survives, every bee works toward a common goal of the betterment of the hive as a whole and this is what makes them survive. So perhaps it is our detest of things that are different that helps in our own survival?


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all look great! No issues.

Parting Comments: This was a deep and brilliant poem that I thoroughly enjoyed. Thanks for sharing!



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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A House Stark Review for "Walker to the Rescue"  [E], for J. A. Buxton . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: As a writer, the idea that one of my main characters would spring to life from my laptop screen is both exhilarating and terrifying. Oh dear, what would they do to me after everything I've put them through. I love that Walker and Sam are so kind to their creator and that their only desire is to live further in this life she has made for them.

Characters: It's hard to create fully developed characters in such a small amount of words, but there are ways it can be done. I would have liked to have seen more from Walker and Sam. I was told of their urgency and their desire to continue their missions, but I never really felt it. I think some more dialog could have helped. Also, it would have bene interesting to see an exchange between their creator and them. I mean how often are we given the chance to influence our creator in our own lives? What would we tell him or her? Oh the possibilities!

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked pretty good. I saw no errors.

Parting Comments: This was a fun story to read and a fun one to contemplate for my own characters. Though some of the things I've put my Protagonists through, I'm not sure I want to hear what they have to say. Thank you for sharing this truly creative piece. Keep writing!



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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A House Stark Review for "The Land of All But Forgotten Things"  [E], for Roari ∞ . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: I thought this was a cute little story of your protagonist's discovery of a wonderful and mythical creature. It was fun to go through the journey with her (I assume).

Poetic Tool Box: I enjoyed some of the rhymes you have in here, but others felt forced or it felt like there were too many words in the line for it to go smoothly. The story kind of got lost in the necessity of rhyming the words.

For example, this couplet:
Shocked again, and snapped out of my trance,
As I pried the trap open, the Unicorn began to dance
-line 1 has 10 syllables while line 2 has 15. These rhymes tend to work better if they're within a syllable or two of each other. It may be helpful to go through each line and write out the number of syllables and then work them to be closer. This will give your poem a beat that will help guide your reader through the long stanzas instead of catching them up inside the lines.

Favorite lines:
A Unicorn, as told of in lore and myth.
Amazed, could I really be standing here with…
I love the word play in these two rhymes. And the syllable count is within one beat of each other. It flows perfectly!

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked good. I saw no errors.

Parting Comments: This was a fun little story and one that deserves to be read. With a bit of cleaning up, it could be a great little epic for people to enjoy. Fantastic work! Keep writing!



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Review of The Carousel Ride  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for {ritem:1978082), for Merry Mumsy . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: What a beautiful and bittersweet story about a girl reliving a fond memory of a loved one. Anna's brave intrusion of the closed amusement park and her stealthy trek through the empty pavement to reach the carousel. I wondered what she was going to do. Would she turn it on? Would she be caught? What in the world was she doing at the carousel at night? And then there was the reveal and it was so sweet and so sad and happy all at the same time. Beautiful story.

Characters: The nature of flash fiction can make it difficult to create characters that are alive and vibrant. But you've done this with Anna. We learn a great deal about her as she sneaks in and then even more when she chooses the tiger and lays on its broad back. Here the memories come to visit her and we learn of a very important relationship and why she's at the carousel at night. Well done.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I only saw one issue (that I made note of below) in this piece. Otherwise, great job!

then crept out from her hiding place. - remove out from this sentence. It's not needed.

Parting Comments: This was a lovely little story about a girl and her grandfather. I very much enjoyed reading it and am glad you shared. Keep writing!



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Review of Holiday  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A House Stark Review for "Holiday"  [E], for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: Before I read your poem, I thought I was okay with the word Holiday. It didn't matter to me if someone wished me happy holidays or Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah. I wanted to be respectful. But you make an incredible valid and touching point that to wipe what makes us individuals takes away who we are at our core. Your message is clear, succinct, and thought-provoking. You have opened my eyes to a new way of thinking, a new way that was lurking in the back, but drowned out by the call for equality and political correctness. Where is the equality if we white wash everyone's experiences? The only thing we do is create more marginalized and angry people.

Poetic Tool Box: I think had this poem rhymed or held any overdone devices, it would have lost it's meaning. The message comes through in a straight forward, no nonsense way.

Favorite lines:


“Holiday” is plastic.
Are we plastic too? Beautiful!! So poignant.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Looks great! I see no errors.

Parting Comments: Thank you for writing this piece. It's something that needs to be said and shared out in the world. I'm so glad that I read it.

Definitely keep writing!


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Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for "The Balaclava Joke"  [E], for Sparky . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: Underneath the humor and the jokes, this was a beautiful story of reconciliation and forgiveness. It's easy to get caught up in our day to day lives and take those we love for granted. This story helps to serve as a reminder to appreciate what we have before it's too late.

Characters: I thought the characters were wonderful and vibrant. I could feel the tension between Mary and Carson; all the things that weren't said and those that were but shouldn't have been. I felt Mary's pain and her regret as she faced losing the love of her life. I didn't feel this quite as much from Carson, however. He seemed more reserved, more hurt and sheltered. The doctor and the orderly were nice additions. I liked the description of the balaclava wearing thief. I was curious about him and then the reveal...great job!

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked great! There was nothing glaring that pulled me from the story.

Parting Comments: I very much enjoyed this story. I hope that Carson and Mary truly do learn from their previous mistakes and don't allow their own personal stubbornness to get in the way of what they have discovered is truly important.

Thanks for sharing your story. It was an enjoyable read.



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Review of Expected  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for "Expected"  [18+], for Cappucine . Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: It's rare that a story leaves me laughing and totally confused at the same time. I absolutely loved the set up and the structure of this piece. It felt very poetic and whimsical, even though it appears to be a couple's unexpected death. (Of course I could be reading too much into this. I do that at times.) But I liked it. It was fun to read and to see the words being played with in such a poetic manner. My favorite part was how the story's opening and closing were the same, yet they had vastly different meanings at each point.


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Not many issues here, though the ones I saw are listed below.

*an hysterical - the rule for this one states that you would us A before a word in which the H is pronounced and AN before a word in which it is not pronounced. Therefore, if you're writing this in American English, you would want to use A. However, I believe the argument can be made for British English where the AN is appropriate. So, long story short, I'm American and it reads weird for me because it doesn't follow the rules.

Mr and Mrs Blue stared at the safe and unexpected tiger - I'm wondering in this sentence what you mean by 'safe'. It doesn't quite seem like it fits.


Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing your work. I'm glad that I was able to read this piece. Keep writing!



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Review of Nobody's Son  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for "Nobody's Son"  [13+], for Fivesixer to celebrate your 15th Account Anniversary. Please take what you find useful and disregard the rest:


Overall Impression: As the daughter of an absentee father, there was a great deal in this poem that I could relate to. It had some very powerful imagery and sentiment that really tugged at me. I think the most poignant for me was the image of the fatherless father looking at his son and vowing that the child will never know the pain of being fatherless. "Bastard and rotten" was probably the strongest line in the entire poem. And this part was a beautiful way to bring the poem full circle.

Poetic Tool Box: I like the way that they rhymes seem to be done for emphasis instead of a set method inside the poem. It makes the poem stronger. There's also some great use of alliteration here. I think I would have liked to have seen more expressive writing, though. Some of the lines in the middle seemed flat. Almost like reading several short sentences in a row. But on the other hand, I can see why this was done as it does weave the story through the trying times and then the upswing with the younger brother.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked great. I saw no errors.

Parting Comments: I think this was a great little poem and it really resonated with me. It's always nice to find pieces with which I can connect and relate. Thank you for sharing.



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Review of Firstborn, II  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Storm Machine I'm back to review
 Firstborn, II  (18+)
Continuing story of Audrey from Firstborn
#1238829 by Storm Machine
. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

I wrote one review before and lost it in the vastness of the interwebs, so I've decided to do this one a bit different. I'm going to pull sentences and snippets and give my opinions based on them. Clear as mud? Good. *Wink*

The assistants grabbed me, all of my possessions, and moved me out. - This is the start of your story. Audrey and Azure have just made it back to their room. You claim they've made it back just in time. This is a great place to draw it out and up the drama. With this sentence, the scene moves too quickly. You have the perfect opportunity to hold your reader there and intensify the drama. Do it!

I could feel my stomach rumbling, but I strove to put it out of my head. Weak sentence here. Strengthen it up. I fought to concentrate over the gnawing inside my stomach that demanded my attention, and food. Something like that.

He joined me in the back, choosing to sit in the corner rather than on the pallet with me - Add rather here to make the sentence grammatically correct.

I'm not sure Human and Ixi need capitalized. They're nouns but not proper. Like you wouldn't say The Chimpanzees or The Dolphins (unless you were talking about a sports team).

Some things I noticed: The story seems too rushed here. I know you're trying to put in a great deal of information, but it's okay to slow down the pace. If they move too fast, your reader can't keep up and then they'll put the story down. Plus, you want to make sure any questions the reader has to the carrots you dangle are intentional. Give the information that causes them to ask the question and then pause. Plus, the setting here feels off. I can't quite picture it. It feels as if we're being rushed from room to room without ever quite knowing where we are. I like the story, but this feels a bit more like a synopsis of what's to happen rather than the story itself. Go deeper. Develop the characters a bit more here. Who is Laas and why should we care about him? Who is Audrey and why should we care about her? This is your set up, don't be afraid to linger just a bit.


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Review of Firstborn, I  
Review by MontyB
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Storm Machine I found your story
 Firstborn, I  (13+)
A created new species begins struggle for a place of their own.
#1202945 by Storm Machine
while perusing your port and would like to offer my thoughts on it. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: It's strange because I both love and hate the first sentence of this story. I can see her suppressing the sigh and holding back her feelings as it seems she's done hundreds of times before, but then again, I wanted a stronger opening. The beginning is foreign as you are introducing a foreign land. I was thrown by the use of the word parents and then the talk of seeing the 'human woman' in conjoining sentences. It made sense later, but that took a while to happen. I'd love to see more description of the setting here. What does Aubrey notice? What does her partner look like? Is the room hot? cold? Just right? Is it clinical? What does the hatchling look like that the Doctor is running the test on? Colors seem important later, are they important to Audrey?

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure:Overall these look really good. There are some awkward sentence structures that confuse the meaning of the text and you may want to revisit them to make the writing a bit more clear, especially since you are trying to create an entirely new world. The more clear you make it, the better.

Also, there are some places that would benefit from more descriptive text. For example: I could tell by the way Azure was walking its feet were beginning to hurt. “We’re nearly there.” Could be made stronger by showing us how Audrey knew Azure's feet were starting to hurt. I slowed my pace even more to compensate for the limp that grew more pronounced with each step Azure took. "We're nearly there." Part of me willing it to keep up, the other part wondering if I'd made the right decision in inviting it along.

Characters/Setting: The characters are good. I feel more drawn to Azure than Audrey, but I think that's because I'm in the same position as Azure where I'm learning about these new people. I think Audrey is a great narrator and the perfect blend of education and ignorance to lead us through this new world. I'm very excited to see where these characters go. I wonder, though, why they didn't see fit to get any information from the human woman other than their names. They spend a great deal of time with the Ixi in order to find out about the shifting, but don't seem too concerned with the human part of themselves. This is an interesting construct and I wonder how it's going to play out in the other chapters.

What I liked: I liked the world that you're creating. I want to know more about Audrey and Azure and the humans and Ixi and the Doctor. What's going on here? Who is the Doctor and why is he keeping all of these people prisoner? What is this experiment and who are the Ixi? So many questions. I'm hooked.

Areas for Improvement: Honestly, my one big piece of advice is to make your writing more clear here. Forget the flowery prose and instead focus on describing this world simply and clearly. Look at it through Audrey's eyes. What does she see? What does she know? What does she want to know? Audrey had a very simplistic style of speaking. She is straightforward and to the point. Emulate that throughout the story. I think it will work very well here.

As always. Thanks for letting me read this. I hope my review has helped.

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