I remember a local fair (or some similar function) where the women's room was packed, and several women were standing in line in the men's room. Several men were using the urinals, no one of either gender seemed to care, and all was cool and incident-free. I miss those days.
A very well-constructed piece in a poetry form that was new to me. The repeated phrases fit nicely, and created such an interesting flow that I didn’t notice the rhyming pattern of the lines until I read the poem a second time. And it definitely was worth reading a second time.
I liked the rhyme pattern and the repeating line, “Sparkles of silver-light.” Anything about gypsies should be mysterious and magical, and you made it both.
From a grammatical point, you don’t need hyphens for “silver-light,” “rainbow-dust,” or “bare-feet”, but their presence doesn’t compromise the poem at all.
Generally, I get picky about grammatical issues (e.g., the lowercase "i" in "But i have kept a piece for you," even though all other occurrences of "I" are uppercase). However, I'm guessing that everything here is intentional. If not, so be it. I liked everything about it. I really felt I could understand the anguish of your character.
I clicked “Read & Review” and this came up. The syllabic flow is a bit choppy, but I like the words. As one who despises Trump and everything he stands for, I appreciated what you had to say about him and the “clash of colors.” And I enjoyed your momentary anguish at the mess of muddled colors and your sudden realization of what they meant.
This could be an interesting story, but I'm afraid it needs a lot of work to be grammatically correct. Here are my thoughts, and I hope you don't mind the criticism:
> “ "Shocking altogether the cops around here" - I assume the opening quotation mark is a typo? Also, I think the sentence reads better if you delete "Shocking altogether." And if you leave it in, you should add a comma after "altogether."
> "the seventh in a short period" He stood there" - I think you need a period rather than a quotation mark after the word "period."
> "there was murmurings" should be "there were murmurings."
> "decreasing at a very rapid rate he" - You should add a period after "rate" and start a new sentence with "He."
> " two pies per patron, even at that" - Same issue as the previous comment. I'd change the comma to a period and start a new sentence with "Even."
> “stressful by the day, most evenings” - Same issue. The comma should be a period.
> “ran out of product and the anger” - Sounds like he ran out of both product and anger. I’d add a comma after “product.”
> “I mean to say here he was working hard” - You have past tense here (“was working”) and present tense later in the sentence (“they end up”). He’s still working hard, so how about “is working hard.”
> “He had to physically shove the people” - You don’t need “physically” here. The fact that he shoved people implies that it was physical.
> “Savages the whole lot of them, he had often thought” - Two issues here. You should have a comma or dash after “Savages,” and a period instead a comma after “them.”
> “Take the money and run, but ” - Should have a period instead of a comma.
> “generations.,” - You should delete the period.
> “looked into the big freezer,” - Another place that needs a period instead of a comma.
> “move again with only three” - You should add a period after "again" and start a new sentence with "With.”
> “ingredients and they” - You need a comma or a period after “ingredients.” I suggest a period, because it gives more power to the end if the reader pauses before “And they were already bitching about the seven missing children.”
If you don't have a dog of your own, it's pretty clear that you know someone who does. And it's also pretty clear that you've checked out the Animal Planet schedule.
As for the story itself, nicely done. I've had dogs and/or cats for many years, and it's easy to imaging a dog thinking like Humphrey.
I read your entry after seeing your glowing review of The Face at the Window. Thanks very much for that review. The review, your poetry, and your bio leave me with two thoughts: (1) You're a very good writer for any age and quite impressive for 17, and (2) I hope your loneliness is an artistic phase, and not actual depression. I've seen depression turn people inward to the point that they can't function anymore. You have a talent that can grow if you let it, and I think you have a bright future ahead.
Dan (the Dee in Moredee2)
p.s. Not trying to one-up you in GPs. I just think your work deserves them.
A nice quirky read, with creative imagery. Because you wrote this 4 years ago, you've probably moved past it, but in case you want to revisit it some day, I offer a few grammatical comments:
> The comma after Schithole is unnecessary (although the name sets the quirky tone very well).
> Generally, "psycho therapy" should be one word, unless this was intentional to emphasize "psycho."
> The sentence that starts with "Fish sat eating a baked potato" would read better if you replace the comma with a period to break it into two sentences, and add a comma after "nothing to do."
> Inconsistency in capitalization in the titles - The piece would look more formal with an uppercase A in "annunciation" and F in "fleeting."
> "earth bound" should be "earthbound".
> "young men got on the train" should be "young men got onto the train."
> "sliver string" should be "silver string".
> "The Officer identified himself" doesn't need the uppercase O.
> "He radio in" should be "He radioed in."
> "moments hesitation" should be "moment's hesitation".
> One too many "the"s in "and interviewed the the startled officer."
This is a very nice little story that fits well into the 300-word limit. I easily could picture the scenes you painted, and I especially enjoyed the last line.
One typo, though - "pedals" in the first paragraph should be "petals." Luckily, it's easy to read right past it without noticing :+)
Very nicely written. Nearly everyone has some level of beauty, whether obvious to the world or hidden away, waiting to emerge when its owner allows it, or when someone else draws it out. When I was young, I was unhappy with my appearance, and I judged girls per a standard for beauty that the media had established. But as I matured, I began to see appealing characteristics, internal and external, in women I wouldn’t have looked at twice a few years earlier. And I found myself in a few very nice relationships over the years with women who wouldn’t have shown any interest in me when I was younger.
As for the technical aspects of your work, the indents are quite inconsistent on my screen - not sure whether that’s a problem with your formatting or my system. Also, I think your piece would be clearer to the reader if you italicize the mirror’s statements.
You successfully present a feeling of sadness and loss. I could feel your pain as I read the piece. And I like the idea of trying to forget the good memories as well as the bad ones. Retaining one group will always keep the other one around.
I hope this is fiction, because if this and your piece titled "Walking in a Haze" are based on fact, you must be a very unhappy person, and no one should suffer that burden.
This a truly enjoyable story. Very well-written, clever, comical - all the right ingredients. You gave the dragon exactly the personality that a benevolent (or not evil, at least) monster should have.
Having written a funny dragon story myself, I was curious to see how yours played out, and I thought the ending was perfect.
Your story creates a nice, nostalgic mood, but I had a few minor problems with the details:
> “A crow cawed” - Crows always caw. This phrase would sound more poetic if you used a more-unusual word, and one that’s not alliterative. Maybe “screeched,” or “rasped”?
> “perched in a tree in the outside dew” - There’s a cold October wind blowing, so there probably won’t be any dew, even if the wind is damp.
> “Julian opened the window with a chuckle as he stumbled to the window” - Why is he stumbling? Is he drunk? We don’t know he’s drinking bourbon until the end of the story, so the fact that he’s stumbling here seems odd. Also, why is he chuckling?
> “The remnants of what used to be old and frayed rope” - I would assume the rope used to be in fine shape, but only now is old and frayed.
> I’m pretty sure cherries don’t appear until mid to late summer.
> “Julian leaned onto the window seal as single tear rolled down his face” - “seal” should be “sill.” Also, this might sound like (okay, it is) nit-picking, but “tear” implies single, so do you really need the word “single”?
> The story would have more emotional power if you finished it with something more dramatic than telling us that Julian sat the glass onto a coaster. Maybe you could have him turn and sadly walk away. The whole story stirs emotions of nicer times, and it would be more memorable if the reader was left with a reminder of those emotions.
I liked the story, especially the characters and the imagery you created. I assume "not yet final" is your description of the story's status and not the actual title, so I'd like to offer a few suggestions:
You start several sentences with lowercase letters. This can be okay as a form of poetic license, but only if you start all sentences that way.
"... first word exchange but then there is also Amy Crue." I think this would have more impact if you add a period after "exchange" and make the rest a new sentence.
I'd change "1" to "one" in "... since year 1." Otherwise, this reads like your saying the year 1 A.D.
I’d delete “who” in “Amy is the kind of woman who you can love at first sight ....” The sentence is fine without it. Also, I’d add a comma after “sight.”
“ you can probably call her the modern Snow White but then the only difference is that she's awake.” This is the last part of a really long sentence, and I think it would be smoother if you made it a separate sentence, and added a comma after “Snow White.”
I‘d add a period after ”school” in “Amy loves the forest behind her school.” Also uppercase Snow White.
Lowercase ”the” in “Then there's Denver, The boy ...”
“He was eating a ham and egg sandwich” starts a very long sentence. I suggest adding a comma after “sandwich,” and another one after “into the woods.”
The paragraph that begins “When Denver got the photo printed ..” is all in past tense except “picture that looks as if Amy was a fairy.”
In “Amy was jumping down to the other side of the fence and her dress flowing ....,” I think it will read better if you add a comma after “fence” and delete the “and” that follows.
Maybe change “ her hand was spread wide” to “her hands were spread wide?”
I don’t think you need “Ever since then” in “ever since then Denver never got Amy Crue out of his head.” It’s implied, and I think omitting it gives the sentence more impact. Also, I’d add a comma after “head.”
“ knowledge seeking” should be “ knowledge-seeking.” Otherwise, it reads like the knowledge was seeking the blue eyes.
I’d change the comma to a period in “ they never spoke until graduation,” and start a new sentence with “All Denver had ...”
Add a comma after “sandwich” in “ate a ham and egg sandwich waiting to shoot.” Otherwise, it sounds like the sandwich was waiting to shoot the picture.
To be consistent with tense, “he’s” should be “he was” in “he got this thumping feeling that he's losing something.”
Again, for tense consistency, “where the sun shone on her” should be “where the sun will shine on her.”
One more tense issue - I think “affect” should be “affects” or “affected” in “who isn't even your friend affect you so much.”
Your final paragraph is all one sentence, and would have much more power if you break it up with a period after “collapsed” and another one after “fairy was gone.”
I hope you found this more helpful than offensive. You have the potential for a good story here.
Who doesn't love summer? But that's what makes this poem interesting. I wanted to know why you don't like summer, so I was inspired to read on. I like how you captured specific imagery of each season that can be positive or negative, depending on one's passions.
The poem did leave me curious as to whether you were expressing your true feelings or just being creative. Personally, my favorite season is whichever one is occurring at the time, although I do get quite sick of both summer and winter at least a month before they've ended.
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