Well done! You have written a unique and creative story, and for that, you should be proud. I appreciate that you had a big, masculine man working in a library. Too often jobs are gendered and stereotyped. When I was in college I saw all kinds of people working in the campus library, so it was refreshing to see your character in an unexpected place. Something I noticed that could improve your writing is your use of run-on sentences. For example,
"After a full eight-hour shift of frazzled, panicked undergrads and distracted, neurotic faculty (not to mention Comparative Religions with Professor Kaminski, who asked everyone to call her Julia, and had a habit of reading large chunks of source material in her lovely, French-Polish lilt) before that, Red wasn’t about to have any of Gérard-Moore’s guff."
This sentence is too long. I got lost halfway through and had to start over. It would read better like this,
"It had been a long eight-hour shift of frazzled, panicked undergrads and one Comparative Religion professor, who was in the habit of reading large chunks of source material out loud. Before that, Red wasn’t about to have any of Gérard-Moore’s guff."
The extra details of her name and accent are unnecessary fluff. Unless she's making an appearance later it's too distracting. Another example,
"Once Red shut the door to the head librarian’s office—Dr. Redferne was away at a convention, and her assistant, Freda, had already gone home for the evening, citing flu-like symptoms—he turned to face Professor Gérard-Moore, wearing an expression best described as: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry."
Instead:
"Red shut the door to the head librarian’s office. Dr. Redferne was away at a convention, and her assistant, Freda, had already gone home for the evening, citing flu-like symptoms. He turned to face Professor Gérard-Moore, wearing an expression best described as: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry."
I didn't change any content, just broke the sentence into more manageable chunks. One last example,
"Red—who was still getting over the shock of Gérard-Moore not only knowing his actual name (instead of just the lifelong nickname that was even on his nametag), but also saying it, and so easily, as if he’d practiced in the mirror, or something—shook his head again, more in confusion than in denial or negation." Instead:
"Red was shocked Gérard-Moore not only knew his actual name but also said it. He said it so easily, it was as if he’d practiced in the mirror. Red shook his head again, more in confusion than in denial."
If you consistently use parenthesis or dashes to insert information into a sentence, you will confuse the reader. When we speak we often do this, but not when we read. Removing run-on sentences will not only give your writing clarity, but it will also make it more professional.
Two final things that are just personal writing pet peeves. You described Damien's eyes as "bright-dark". Those are opposites and inconsistent. His eyes can't be both bright and dark. Also, "It was another minute—possibly close to two—before Red could gather his wits enough to respond despite the continuing shock". The professor stood with his hand outstretched for nearly two minutes? Realistically he'd have withdrawn it after an awkward ten seconds. Have you ever lifted your hand for a high five and it wasn't reciprocated? Those few seconds drag for an eternity in your mind. It's just not realistic. Even genres like fantasy, which is full of unrealistic things, has to have realism when it comes to interactions between characters.
Overall I really appreciate your use of description. You painted a picture in my mind of the setting and characters so that I was able to easily envision them. You did a great job! Keep it up!
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