I don't read much fantasy so this will be difficult for me. Please feel free to disregard anything that doesn't ring true to you. I will try to point out what I liked or what I thought worked, as well as point out any suggested edits and things that didn't work for me.
I like the introduction of the stone in the first paragraph but I am entirely too distracted by your overly descriptive prose. In this first paragraph alone you use 7 different adjectives to show us this woman is old: fragile, thin fingers, age-worn hands, pale blue veins, deeply wrinkled, frail body, gently trembled. It's overkill.
The next paragraph gives us some setting but then you start in with the old woman again in the third paragraph. Now she has a "weakened composure" and you use "old woman" in three consecutive sentences.
Throughout the piece you keep reminding us she's old. It's very distracting. Once you establish that's she's old, you should trust your readers to remember.
The introduction of Lady Feina's companions is confusing. Suddenly a younger woman speaks, and Lady Feina rushes forward. You mention two followers and at first I thought they were the ones she was trying to get away from. I had to reread a couple of times to realize they were supposed to be there.
"By the Gods." One of the followers uttered, awestruck. There should be a comma after gods and one should be lowercase.
The Rhuk-carrier confuses me. You imply that it's a giant bird that carries a Rhuk (?) in the cabin attached to its back. But what is a Rhuk? Feina and her companions haven't been referred to as Rhuks, so what is a Rhuk? Then Feina annouces "He's trying to overtake the Rhuk." Is the stone the Rhuk?
Suddenly Feina is climbing a ladder. Where did the ladder come from? It's not apparent immediately that she is climbing up to the cabin on the bird's back. Why are her companions amazed by the Rhuk-carrier? Or is it just its size? Further description tells us Rhuk-carriers are common for leisurely travel, so their amazement seems odd to me.
As her companions follow her up the ladder, you have them "loosing their footing" when it should be "losing."
Then you concentrate on the two lesser characters. The first thing that stands out to me is the description of the girl's hair. "Stringy" just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of all your description. I just don't imagine her having hair that is unattractive, and you prove my point later on when Ghadrik considers her beauty.
The next several paragraphs I like. I found myself being drawn into the fantasy world. I enjoyed your descriptions of the land, the scented air. You still seem to want to give an adjective to every single object but it wasn't as distracting in these passages.
I appreciate the interaction between Ghadrik and Khameris. He is serious, firm, reluctant to say too much. She is younger, still child-like but they seem to get on well together. I really liked the dialogue between them.
Then the flashback scene. Again, you do a great job with dialogue. Feina's wisdom comes through in volumes as does Ghadrik's contempt for Caelis. I like it.
"That may all be true but he said something, " she weakly laughed with a peaceful smile spreading across her pale lips "He said something that I have come to accept in recent sundowns." Here you need to delete the extra space after the comma following "something." And this is a sentence that stands alone so it needs a period actually, and the next word, she, should be capitalized. You need a period after lips.
wher eyes twinkling should be "her."
Then comes the exchange between Ghadrik and Khameris. He finds her beautiful, and then later you say "there was a subtle beauty to the girl now." Why are you vacillating on her beauty?
"The view. It's beautiful." Khameris said You need a comma after beautiful.
Again, I quite like the dialogue between these two characters. The telling isn't too heavy handed and we learn a lot about them in a short space.
"Lives. Borders. The purpose of the Mage himself." He stated quickly, exhaling a deep breath. There should be a comma after himself and he should be lowercase.
She nearly jumped as the memory of her teaching from Feina entered her thoughts.They then withered and dried under the acrid touch of recent events. These two sentences are awkward. I'm not even sure they are needed. "her teaching from Feina" is awkward. "the memory of Feina's lesson" sounds smoother to me. You need a space between the sentences. And why she jumps, I don't know. Seems too strong a reaction to a simple memory.
I like the comforting scene, even though Khameris' angst seems a little melodramatic. It does draw a stark delineation between the two personalities. But what stood out to me was earlier they were talking quietly to each other and Feina admonished them, but now Khameris is collapsing and crying and it doesn't draw Feina's attention?
Maybe it's because of whatever happens with the stone and the new arrival. Even though I was confused by a lot of this (again, showing my naivety when it comes to the fantasy genre), you do build the tension and leave us with a good cliffhanger.
I know I picked this apart, but it was what you asked for. Hopefully this has been of some help to you.
Write on!
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