I'm not sure I really got the content of your story or what the story actually is. I like the randomness of it though, because it fits the character of sci-fi fans, which would mean that those people are your public and it would appeal to them. So therefore, well done!
This is what I would call a beautifully written poem with an ancient subject. I like how the freedom, the lack of obeying to standard structure of poetry, emphasized the point you're trying to make about saying goodbye. I'd like to remind you to pay some attention to typoes, spelling and grammer. For example you write "unexpectedly" where it's supposed to be "unexpected", "to soon" instead of "too soon" and "their" instead of "they're". Change these few tiny things and this would be a great poem!
I really like the message of your story, yet I was expecting something awful to happen any moment. At the end of the story I felt both dissapointed but also surprised, it was a nice twist to the normal "happy moment follows danger"- thing. I would like to remind you that a story can't just be switched from the past simple to the present simple, which is what happened somewhere half way. Maybe that was on purpose, but then I wouldn't know with what goal you did that. However, I enjoyed reading your story, it was sweet, cute and a good description of a girls dream.
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