This is great, I loved it. I liked your use of the word Machiavellian, how you used it and explained it all in one sentence. A lot of readers probably don't know what that means, but you just saved them from having to look it up! I liked the idea of the two being so different in character, and having symbolized that by their clothing. I think that the length is perfect for a light read, it's not too long or drawn out, but it's not rushed at all either. I see no grammar or spelling issues, so good job there. I gave you a five, I hope to see this in print someday!
Hey this is pretty good! The way it's written, it sounds kind of like a fable, which is cool! I didn't spot any grammar or spelling mistakes, so good job there...I'm not sure how long you intend this story to be, but if you aren't concerned about length, you might want to flesh this chapter out a little more with some imagery. Describe what the Jester looks like, the palace he came from, the jungle he's walking through, etc. If you prefer to keep it shorter though, then I think you've balanced the imagery and action very well. Congratulations on a wonderful piece, keep up the great work!
Quite honestly I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cringe when I read this. I know every woman has thought about subjecting a cheating a man to these very women, or others like them. Very well written, it was easy to read and entertaining, no spelling or grammar errors. The only thing I would suggest is maybe a slightly longer introduction. I feel like I didn't know much about Rodger except that he was a cheating bastard. Maybe throw in some short reflection on how they met, how things used to be, did he ever care about her? What made him start cheating? Job/career, mid life crisis, fighting, etc? Otherwise, great piece!
You have a great start here! The only thing I can suggest doing differently: You have set up no expectations in the reader yet. I understand that this is only the beginning of the story, but I feel like nothing has really happened. You're doing a great job of letting the reader get to know the characters, but something needs to be happening during all that. More so than just Manik getting up and going to the bus stop. Why is he catching the bus? work? school? What are they doing there, and where is "there"? You could give only hints if you wanted, but I finished this without feeling the need to read the rest, because I was not left wanting for anything. Give the reader something, but only a little, so they'll read on. This could be attributed to where you stopped, so don't let me get you down! Otherwise, you have a great beginning. Good work, and write on!
I like this, the words flow really well, there is an obvious beat, and it conveys a sense of almost foreboding, but at the same time, cleansing bad energies. If that makes any sense?
These lines really struck me:
the beat soothes my brain
musical notes wash me
like the purest rain
and I dont know why, but I liked this line a lot, it just feels... good rolling off your tongue.
bitter sweet lyrics of people lost
Overall, great job, I would recommend this to others in a heartbeat! Great work, and write on!
You seem to have a few run ons in the first paragraph, I felt like I was holding my breath when I was reading it. Just look at each sentence individually, and think about the breaks. Otherwise, you have some good ideas there.
In the second paragraph, you say the boy was from your school, but a few sentences later, you say it's an all girl catholic high school. I know you explain shortly after that his school is next door to yours, but it's confusing to the reader.
"The current parents said okay and that was that" I would rewrite this, maybe as "The family agreed and that was that" because it's starting to sound more like a conversation than a written story. You should stay away from slang, contractions, and other conversational terms except in dialog. "Okay" is a conversational term.
As far as Robert, I had mixed feelings, and he just didn't work for me. The plot might work better if her were to have rescued the main character from the fire, but a troubled boy, attempting to burn down someone's house, turning out to be the perfect husband? It doesn't feel right. The reader is distracted by the feeling that Robert's going to snap any minute now.
As for the over all feeling of this item, I felt it was a little melodramatic. Immediately jumping into the convent is kind of a cliche way out. I would suggest adding in a period of grieving for the narrator. Maybe convey how upset she was over her loss, feelings of despair, and maybe even a couple attempts at dating later on. I mean, how can you know something is your true calling if you don't explore other options, right?
You have a great base to work with, but you need to look at the individual components and tweak them to flow with each other. Good luck in your writing, and write on!
I got a couple weird sentences lol nothing to do with the him/her issue though.
You can't help always touching him, or smiling at him, or simply getting lost in his eyes. he's so different, he's so mysterious. You now find yourself staring at his soft *hair*, just wanting to touch *them*.
The kiss deepens and you find his hand upon your leg, you place your hand on *his eyes*.
Otherwise this was very entertaining and I enjoyed my little break from "work" :)
I just have to say...wow....never have I read anything that expresses a father's love of his child more perfectly than this. The descriptions of Brandon's pain were spectacular, as was the imagery of the last scene. You managed to convey feelings and emotions very well, I could feel Brandon's fear as he watched his daughter standing on the sandbar or disappearing under the pickup. One thing I would do a little differently though, I would build up Karen's character a little more, as well as their relationship. At some points I felt as though there was a lot of strain in their marriage and not much happiness. When they were bickering just before deciding to go to the lake, that was when the lack of affection was most obvious, there hadn't been much between them up to that point, and I wondered if the fight was going to escalate into a separation. That could be because the moments of strain were shown more often than moments of tenderness, which is a side affect of the plot line (i.e.Juie gets injured a lot, and people tend to lash out when frightened). In short, I would personally insert a couple of scenes displaying the love and affection between Brandon and Karen, as it would make the bickering less distracting from the main point.
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