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2,498 Total Reviews Given
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351
351
Review of Crickets  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Irishgal,
What a beautiful word picture!
Your description brings to mind the evenings I sit outside where I live now. I can go out and listen to the crickets, coyotes, owls, etc.
This is a wonderful piece of nostalgia.
Great work!
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352
352
Review of Music and Writing  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good question!
I listen to music if I need to set the mood for a piece. Other times, I need quiet to concentrate on my writing.
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353
353
Review of Favorite quotes  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Katrina,
People will always have mixed emotions over anything artistic. Don't take it to heart.
Maybe for genres, instead of "inspirational" try "opinion" or better "personal."
Another possibility is to break this up into separate groups. It will make it shorter and this easier on your readers. Put it all in one folder, but separate them into school days, music quotes, etc.
This is something that you might even try to turn into a forum or in and out. Ah, the possibilities here at Writing.Com!
~Nikola
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354
354
Review of Eagle  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Alek,
Nice! It sounds as though the man has gone mad. Yet, it does keep your reader at the edge of their seat.

One comment:
Would my catching it smile make it mad?
I don't feel you really need this particular sentence. If you do think it is necessary, reword it so that it flows better.

I think you could run with this and make an even more chilling story. I see two angles--a man losing his grip on reality and the eagle really is animate. I'm sure you would have even more ideas. Just a thought.
I enjoyed reading this--thanks for sharing!
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355
355
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bia,
What a bittersweet story! I was pulling for Luis.
This is a well written piece.

I have a few comments:
"preformed" should be "performed"

He gagged on his coffee.
This should be a new paragraph. You have moved on to a new revelation.

door,never
Spaces.

One major thing I noticed is the constant use of "as if." It's okay to use this a little, but try to find different ways to word your sentences in other places. It becomes repetitive and takes away from your great description.

Good work--I enjoyed reading this!
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356
356
Review of Garden of shadows  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Layla,
Very nice!
The imagery you used brings this poem to life.
I especially love the second and fourth stanzas.
I feel this is a piece to make yur readers pause and give thought to their own lives.
Well done!
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357
357
Review of "Everyday"  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jessica,
Nice poem! I like the flow and the rhyme scheme.

Only a few comments:
In the second stanza, third line: I feel you could omit "just."

In stanza six, "everyday" is mispelled.
"finger tips" should be one word.

Minor things one and all.
I enjoyed this poem. Brings back memories of my own!
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358
358
Review of Last One Standing  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Christine,
This is a very moving and powerful piece! The emotion carried throughout the story. Wonderful work!

Some comments:
I can picture Connie *sat on my sofa,...
Try "had sat" or probably better, "sitting."

"half lying" should be "laying"

...calling each other the other's wives...
This doesn't read clearly. Play with it some. Maybe just changing "wives" to "wife" might help.

...having moved to Wales, when she was seven with her alcoholic mother.
Change this around to read " "having moved to Wales with her alcoholic mother when she was seven." It will read smoother.

...that nearly tore her family even more apart.
Perhaps "...that nearly tore her family farther apart."

It was one of those things that unless you knew (...), you wouldn't.
You wouldn't what? Clarify this for your readers.

We thought we would be each other's bride's maids,...
Try "We would be one another's bridesmaids,...."

"before hand" should be "beforehand"

Her family are battling...
This should be "is" rather than "are."

...*their spray reaching us as they did.
Maybe "the spray."

I like the repetition of "Connie, Mary, Rose and Jade."
It keeps the fact strong in the reader's mind how close the friends are.

Very nice work!
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359
359
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Julian,
This is a really good piece! I have a lot of comments, but it is a very long story, so I still felt it deserved a good rating.

On to my comments:

...and what to look for *down at the bottom.
You really don't need "down" here.

"It won't..."
In this particular sentence, it should be "I" and not "it."

colorful dance *number
Omit "number." This story has a fantasy quality and adding the word makes it sound too modern.

Then, *as he turned around,* noticed* that all the fish had gone, leaving the water empty.
Perhaps "Then, turning around, he noticed ..."

Theo turned....
This is the very next sentence. The reader already knows that Theo has turned around.

...the shark broke away *for its orbit...
From

The shark reared back as the awful taste of the seaweed came over the *shark.
Use "it" the second time you mention the shark in the sentence. Otherwise, it is overkill.

The *sea weed soon covered up...
Seaweed

They walked up the sandy path, into town.
You don't need the comma.

Theo discarded this rule though, as he often did *to many of the others he felt were useless.
You don't really need "to."

Theo puffed out his chest, showing he wasn't scared of his father, even Theo was about two feet short of *hihim.
Perhaps "even though he was about two feet shorter than him."

Then, in the water, Theo saw his friend, the person who lived in the house he was knocking on, Malan.
Reword this to make it clearer. "Then, in the water, Theo saw his friend, Malan, who lived in the hut."

...and left Malan *in the stares of the people.
Try "with."

...not scream at *it."
Them

"awoken" should be "awakened"

"over head" should be "overhead"

"reprocussions" should be "repercussions"

In the part where the man asks Malan why she is out of her home, in her answer you didn't capitalize her name.

"enterred" should be "entered"

"fornt" should be "front"

"stair way" should be "stairway"

"back bone" should be "backbone"

...and a thought *ame to him.
Came

"Go home boy?"Lex sternly commanded.
Maybe an exclamation point rather than a question mark?

"some times" should be "sometimes"

But we should be able to fix the problem
End this with a period and quotation marks.

"Shut your mouth," his father yelled.
If he is yelling, use an exclamation point.

"good bye" should be "goodbye"

...and most of the shark sightings *enterred in that area.
Perhaps "...and most of the sharks sighted entered from that area."

he could barely see her now.
Capitalize "he."

"anyhting" should be "anything"

There was enough light *form the torches to see *where the far end of the cove.
"From." And, You could drop "where" and this would make perfect sense.

he didn't want to startle...
Capitalize "he."

"clothe coverred hand" should read "cloth-covered hand."

...and pulled it *form the ground.
From

*Eben though he could not see the shark, he knew it was there, he could *even feel the motions in the water created by *the shark.
Try "Even though he could not see the shark, he knew it was there. He could feel the motions it created in the water."

ignoring the blood that seeped *for his chest
From

the seaweed *form its mouth...
From

...and the shark didn't take a second glance before speeding after him.
This also reads a bit modern. Perhaps "The shark, not hesitating, sped after him."

"bagan" should be "began"

silhouett should be silhouette

"shiverring" should be "shivering"

*for the cold
From

"whisperred" should be "whispered"

"warapping" should be "wrapping"

*form all the cuts
from


I really love your way with description! This story is balanced with action and dialog.
How much are you going to add? You may think about breaking it into chapters.
A possible title? Secret of the Cove?

Great work!
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360
360
Review of Magic Mirror  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Tracey,
This is precious!
I love the dialog between child and mirror. Very endearing.
I think it flows nicely and is well written.
Great work!
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361
361
Review of Holmes Again  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Terrell,
This is a wonderful and fascinating tale! Very well written.
I love the voice you have written this piece in.
The story and character interaction flowed nicely.
I found nothing amiss.
A delightful read!
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362
362
Review of Night Time Creek  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Tracey,
I love this poetic form! I keep saying I want to try it, but I just haven't sat down to it--yet! (e:smile}
And, for me, what makes this particular poem even sweeter is the outdoor, nighttime setting. I could picture every word.
Beautiful work!
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363
363
Review of Lydia's Dream  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
JS,
What a beautiful and inspiring story! This should be read by anyone at a crossroads who is hesitant to take that next step.

Some comments:
...never wanting to give her heart
Very nice! I like this!

Lydia startled
Should be "started."

and may you name is?
You could go a few ways with this. "And your name is" or "and may I ask what you name is?"

I was on the road and it was *turn to meet him.
"Time" perhaps?

I'm here at the church is because...
You could drop "is."

..were too much for her to take in so all at once.
Also drop "so."

It just occurred to me...
Begin this with quotations.

"sliver platter" should be "silver"

Sam then placed on her shawl...
Drop "on." It makes it sound as if Sam is donning the shawl himself.

I like this story. Work it a bit and it can be even better!
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364
364
Review of Mysteriousness  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Amber,
This is a well written, emotional piece.
The imagery you used brought the scene and chacters to life.

My comments:
"bullet like" should be "bullet-like."
"out doing" should be one word
And I think if you set the last sentence apart, it would make its impact stronger.

A job well done!
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365
365
Review of A Sensitive Man  
Rated: E | (4.0)
S.E.,
Nice! It embodies the dilemma of being oneself in the presence of the opposite gender.
I like the play back and forth of the thoughts of man and woman.
The only line that tripped me up is
The maiden notes, unlucky I'm
This just didn't flow to me. See what you think.

Other than this one line, I like this.
Keep up the good work!
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366
366
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Martin,
This is a powerful poem!
You bring to life the war for those who weren't there and for those too young to know much of it.
Strongly worded, it's meaning leaves no doubt in your readers' minds.
Very well done!
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367
367
Review of My Boots  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
TS,
This is well written. You used the prompts to your advantage.
A fun story that leaves your reader to her/his own conclusions.
Nicely done!
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368
368
Review of The Good Heart  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Word Warrior,
This is a powerful story. As one of those "not so beautiful women," I thank you for telling it.

I only have a few comments:
...Ronald's cell phone began, whcih he kept in his jacket pocket, began to ring.
You don't need the first "began."

One of the limbs from the free...
Tree?

You have great character development here. Ronald's struggle with himself and learning his own truth too late struck a chord.
Well done!
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369
369
Review of Nature Poetry  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Blaine,
A personal and heartfelt intro to this folder.
Set "it is a shame" apart as it's own sentence and the impact will be greater.
I have greatly enjoyed reviewing the contents of this folder also.
Keep up the great work!
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370
370
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Elisa,
This is a fun read!
My muse is female and boy can she be a b****! She'll wake me up out of a dead sleep with poetry lines or a story plot and expect me to jump out of bed and write.
We clash on that a bit because I'm one of those people who cheish my sleep!
This is well written and very entertaining. Iwish you and your muse the best! *Wink*
~Nikola
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371
371
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
StoryMaster,
This is a touching tribute to your grandfather. I feel as if I know him. What a wonderful person!

I do have a few comments:

...if I didn't mention his collection of hats from the big stakes, yearly race known as the Haskell.Maybe, "yearly big stakes race..."

Check through--Grandpa isn't always capitalized.

Capitalize "Kools."

"atleast" well, you know! *Smile*

styrophone should be styrofoam

infinitile should be infantile

...but I know how much he liked to talk about itwith me, so I'd yes and no most of my way through it.
I would put quotation marks around "yes" and "no."

I loved the train in the basement! It has always been a dream of mine! Of course, first I must get a basement! *Bigsmile*

~Nikola
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372
372
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sachmanna,
This is a delightful read! You gave same a great voice. It felt just like sitting down to a conversation with someone.

A few comments:

"Sweettalk" sould be two words.

"I get four types of guy coming in here." (Pluralize "guys")

And lastly, I loved "showghostship"! Very clever!

Your use of "ghostly" terms in Sam's speech is wonderful.
I really enjoyed this piece.

~Nikola
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373
373
Rated: E | (4.0)
Frank,
This is a heartwarming story that touches on more than the death of a pet. I liked the dialog between Tyler and Grandpa. I brought them to life and movd the story along.
I have a few comments:
Add an apostrophe on "fishin."

New paragraph beginning with "it took almost an hour to dig the hole big enough. This separates the thought from the previous sentences.

"We talked about a lot about a whole bunch of things(.) omit "sitting there talking and" and then begin a new sentence with "Sharing words were always the thing that bound my grandfather and I together." This will flow better.

"The deepest hurt comes from remembering all the things you wish you had done when we(you?) had the chance. All the games of fetch you wish you could go back and play." Great line! So much wisdom here--a lesson in life.

This is a touching story that shows how the death of something we love can bring people even closer.
Nice work!
~Nikola
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374
374
Review of The Gate Shift  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Natsplatt,
Have a bad day at the theater, did we? *Smile*
Having worked with the public myself, I can relate to a lot of this. You have a bit of comic bite to this that I bet you could work with and have a very funny piece.
I have some comments for you:

Unless someone is actually doing dialog, there is no reason to begin every paragraph with quotation marks.

"Take this one guy for example, despite *me telling..." (I would drop the "me".)

Capitalize "Eleven" in Ocean's Eleven.

Either capitalize (I would) or don't capitalize the screens and their numbers (Screen Seven).

"Don't whinge!" (Do you mean whine?)

"boringest" should be "most boring"

"I had a customer stand and talk to me for *half-hour today" ("a" in front of half-hour)

"But we got chatting about the movie..." (Try "got to chatting" or better yet "started chatting")

I feel that if you polish this a bit you will have a really great comedic piece that a lot of people can relate with!
Keep up the great work!
~Nikola
375
375
Rated: E | (4.0)
Harry,
I like this. It causes the reader to think about their own circumstances and the potential they have in spite of them.
I have a few comments. These are only my opinion. Read this again with my suggestions and see if it makes a positive difference to you. It's your work and I understand how personal it is.
Here is what I feel:

In the first stanza:
I would put a period at the end of the second line. These first two lines read like a complete thought.

Drop the comma on the end of the fourht line. Too many commas will chop up your piece.

Add a period at the end of the sixth line. And then drop the "and" on the next.
Also, put a period at the end of the eighth line.

Stanza 2:
Delete the comma after the word "plain."
I would also put a period after "killing."

Stanza 3:
Put a period after "domain."
Begin the next sentence with "yet" instead of "but."
Insert a period after "that might transport him back."

I really feel this would make this read better. You have done a wonderful job with your words.
A great, thought-provoking work!
Keep it up!
~Nikola

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