Your wanton bathing in your own vitriol puts one off their afternoon scones......
i CAN ONLY PASS " STARS ON THIS DUE TO THE NOTHNINGNESS OF THE STORY>
The word and phrases you are using are at the cost of an even flow. Words are like arrows and should be used as such. I can see what you are attempting to do but sometimes intention is lost in the complexity of perception.
I would change composed to compose. Three words not to speak but what are the 3 words? The relevance of this is important but lost in omission.
Overall I like the poem but a little less of a lexicon would add to the poem.
The last 3 lines are by far and away the best, although "the embers" is also very good. A poem that follows a nihilistic stance, perhaps the people remind me of the time when settlers in the old wild west trying to find a home and a long cruel path to do so.
I am not quite reconciled to the fatalism which preconceives the light as being negative. A more arbitrary stance would lend itself to the inability to plan ones destiny! The last 3 lines achieve this and contradict the earlier lines.
However its good to see a thoughtful poem which asks pertinent questions not the normal drivel!
This is ugly with a capital U, taking away real hope under the guise of religion?
What possessed you to write this, a particularly black mood probably away from people as it has an insular tack!
Think about my words carefully my friend, try and appraise your own life from within before using the toxic pairing of Esther and Joshua. Most will not see the deliberate intent but I see it all too clearly......
Also the use of "Jester" in the last verse is sinister to say the least.
For the uninitiated this petry form has sprang up more prevelently lately and hides behind a spearate message almost like a ghost form!
Under these circumstancesI plead with you to desist in future. Write a poem about Satan if it intends to say what it is on the tin!
You are living the dream! wake up the world is a dark place, controlled by the incumbants who fear change.
The banner of religion is just a poor excuse for anarchy, mankind is hell bent on destruction always has been always will be.
Every one of us has thousands of small choices and opportunities to do good, this is the starting point. Also realising we are not so different, same fears same thoughts, colour, sex, age none are barriers they are of our own choosing.
Getting back to the poem it is a little bit of a rant but well intended.....
Would change the word inequity it is does not sit right.
Read one of my poems and you will have done a good deed!
"A nurse for our birth and our elderly years
A priest for the moment which nobody hears
The waitress for bringing a juicy great steak
the baker for icing a wonderful cake"
The content and story are both interesting and well put together however the flow is lacking.
I would imagine this poem would benefit by trying to link the flow of the poem with the flow of the planes in the sky which I imagine is a trail of smoke and patterns.....
In its current guise it is stop start with no natural beginning and end...
I do like the poem I hope the criticism is seen as constructive.
One of the first 4 reviews I have ever awarded. I am notoriously a harsh critic.
Why you may ask!
The consistency of your message is stubborn yet strong and your message is one many can relate to. it resonates with the masses. Rhyme can sometimes add contraint, by not trying to follow every rule it flows better in this peice.
I do not like the term un-know it has an ugliness attached to it although the meaning is sound you may want to change this to something less offensive to the eye!
I would like to know on what basis you feel we are free when we die, there is no evidence of this. The inponderable leaves a stain on life that many find hard to clean off.
Certain lines are excellent filled with mysticism but they are followed with weak efforts that do not flow. the last verse is a good example of this with the opening two lines excellent but the latter two lines are extremely weak.
Such a shame as this had the potential to be something special but ends in mediocrity!
Still you show enough to keep trying and it will come. You strike me as a beginner who has a very thoughtful intelligent approach to poetry.
Firstly i should point out a small typo replace "Lose" with "Loose" 5 line first stanza.
For me the last stanza is far and away the strongest, it flows well and comes alive. Much of the remainder is difficult to follow though a simple message it is veiled and the flow is weaker.
This makes it difficult to read aloud, try it yourself and hopefully you will uniderstand the point I am trying to make.
It's quite interesting when reviewing this poem to analyse the amount of rage which is evident.
Use of the phrase "Do not" is used several times and the word "Not" 6 times in all. What this portrays is the impression that you are a victim, perhaps you perceive others viewing yourself as a trophy, this then manifests itself in the passive aggressive approach to the poem.
You as the writer retain control, a control that cannot be reprocated in life where perception is in the mind of others.
The subject then contracts inwardly giving a feeling of isolation and insularity, something most American's would emphasise taking this stance from a national perspective.
The terminology also touches on falseness, deceipt and misconceptions always touching on your availability.
Not all men perceive women in this way, perhaps you have demons you must first overcome inwardly.
If I have touched a nerve or crossed the line I apologise, but as writers we must accept our thoughts are there to be shot at and crtically reviewed.
The poems raw emotion allows this poem to be accepted as a good work.
I am a critical approver and as such will be refreshingly honest.
The narrative and choice of words are fairly good the flow is terrible!
The caveat to the above criticism is the final verse is excellent and flows better the content and message are both punchy and resonates a tainted type of love.
Dont give up writing but let it flow, imagine you were reading it out aloud and you may see my point about the flow....
A good subject to write about, you appear to be in the novice stage so hopefully i may be able to assist you in some way.
You need to consider the flow of the poem when read aloud!
The use of words is quite good in most cases with the exception of the use of "Wail". A song from a bird is a thing of beauty, not sure this word suggests this?
the last line in 4th verse is too long, this goes back to point above and the flow.
Its still nice to see young people writing about the subject in case so please take my comments in a positive way.
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