Where to begin...... poetry needs to flow effortlessly preferably sending a meaning.Words should be used like arrows piercing the ether!
Keep going but try and structure your poem into verses perhaps 4 lines which when read back to yourself follow a pattern. Why not try a few Spondees for fun?
I rate this poem as fair to middling perhaps bottoming off at the end.
There is an aversion to use the word nothing twice in the space of two sentences, would guard against this as theres nothing to gain and nothing to lose and nothing much more to say.
It is rare a 4 rating is issues when I review but I was compelled to do so in this case.
An excellent message is communicated thru this simple but effective poem. Word choice in most cases is very effective one exception would be "ever-booming" which is a little clumsy if you don't mind me saying!
Reading it thru more than once as a reader you appreciate the poem actually gets better as it goes on and the last two lines finish it off very well.
Keep writing
HC
PS -Would appreciate a review of one of my poens if you have time!
This poem is crying out for some metaphors and similes!
The subject warrants more precociousness, yet the language is almost too flowery!
Its almost a commentary rather than a poem.
The last stanza offers hope as it is far better than the remainder, it just needs to be embellished a little, the lines are in a sense too long (especially 1st);
Hope you take this the right way being meant as constructive criticism...
I would urge a third stanza, the reason being you want to follow up the consequences of love singing its "lullaby", perhaps as a suggestion you could mention how love can create re-generation in even the most barren land!
This work is better than most I have read in this forum, at present its a little short hence the suggestion.
Good luck, i will be interested in reading any extension you write.
A nice poem without having the OOmph to really hit home the destructive force of a tornado!
Perhaps its neutral stance doesnt' quite work in this case. The words and language are apt but somehow reduce the impact such a destructive force would evoke.
You would not have to change too many words to make this far more powerful, the flow is ok if a little unstructured.
My advice would be to ask yourself what you are trying to achieve when writing a poem and try and convey this message as strongly as possible.
Hope you do not mind the criticism it is meant to be constructive.
A heartfelt effort with some very strong emotions.....
From a critical perspective you need to work on the flow, the rhyming is actually not too bad.
An example is "For when the night falls only the darkness resides", take the "The" out of this and it flows far better, this is only one small example.
Very good if this is your second effort at poetry!
I perceive this to be inner thoughts racing at a fast rate contemplating your nemesis....loneliness.
Your language and usage of words is mostly approriate but be careful in using phrases such as "I turn and see the show is not over". This does not add and in fact goes against some of the earlier more thoughtful lines and appears out of context.
This poem appears to be a struggle possibly between the inner and outer experience, it is quite violent which touches on possible past experiences but there is also beauty and hope.
The last verse indicates this is currently a losing battle, but writing poetry whatever the guise will aid you in your battles as it is a positive expereicne.
This poem to me touches on your inner self and the fight between good and evil, light and darkness, innocence and sin.
The last verse could be interpreted as worthlessness or perceived as untold riches. Most of us want to give but cannot find the right person to receive this gift. Partial night reveals dark thoughts, could this be a type of fatalistic "Doomed to fail" belief.
You invite others yet withdraw into your self.
Fascinating poem, if I am off the mark please tell me, perception is everything, we are all islands attempting communication the holy grail.
Quite profound and an unusual stance. Sad playing on inevitablility. The line "its as though I can touch it with my scent", this is interesting, in my mind it appears you seek empowerment yet like grains of sand running through your fingers it is never to be gained.
The photograpth depicts eternity and it would be good to touch on fading through age giving a powerful metaphor comparing our short span on this planet!
Overall I like different and this work is different, it touches on art in an unusual way.
I like this poem for a couple of reasons, firstly it is simple written from the heart which means easy to understand it evokes empathy. Secondly the metaphors you use are revealing and relevant.
This is a subject which does need more focus, our culture tends to shy away from death, this is a good mix of memories yet still looking to the future but not quite knowing the mysteries which surrround death.
Excellent effort, the flow is very good possibly slightly too fast but not a major problem.
May I suggest "When Horses find there shoes are tossed" is a little neater?
The message in this poem to me at least is incidental things can have great bearing on much larger objectives, I like the way this is conveyed in the smith' and the mending of Horses plates.
I have a great regard for Frost, a real Humanist who writes about nature, chance and is quite a philosopher a real thinking man's poet.
Would appreciate if you review one of my poems in return, perhaps "View from an attic"?.
A very well conducted poem, using both imagery and flow to create a dream-like state lulling the reader into a state of relaxation.
A small change I would suggest to be so bold would be replacing "it seems" with "appears".
This would perhaps add to the flow without taking away from the meaning.
I can see similarities with some of my own poems, be interested what you think of "Winter in Autumn" or "View from an attic".
Like the style of this and the rhythm is good, language is also used in good context, I might not understand the culture entirely but can still get a good feel!
I line i could see going in this is;
"see the sleazies rippin time, all glitzed up but outta prime,
no hopes, James Copes, trashin cans, noddin fast doing handstans......"
Feel free to review one of mine it would be appreciated, we can all learn from different styles.
Finally a poem i actually like and rate as quite good. Flow is ok and use of words good,although the heaviness leaves one slightly wanting something a little lighter at times.
"I swim in thinning ink is by far and away the best line in this poem, concentrate on this line, capture what oyu have and transmit this to the remainder in imagery and it would be excellent.
I have not given 5 stars on any review I have undertaken but this is about the highest so far... well done you!
I like the imagery in the poem, interesting whether if it is written from the imagination or from a visual perpsective. It is neutral and therefore important to emphasise the sheer beauty, I think you do this quite well.
In particular i like the use of the words "Ruptured" and "solemn" although the latter would indicate dark wheras the rest of thepoem exudes light in a graphic sense.
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