This had me laughing till it hurt, and that was just by the first paragraph! What a holiday treat for the deeply disturbed, like me. I read it. Lauged till it hurt, then promptly bit the head off a gingerbread man. I kid you not. I have a box of them in my desk. Mmmm...Gingerbread men.
One tiny error noted. Just need to move the R down in this line:
REINDEER: Well, how else do you explain my stutter? Pause. Pause. Pause. R
EPORTER: You don't have a stutter.
Great writing and great, if very disturbing, humor. Thanks for the belly laugh to start off my weekend on the right note.
Good little story. Reminds me of a Christmas version of "The Monkey's Paw" but with a much happier ending. Depending on what you like this could be good or bad. I think the power of "The Monkey's Paw" lies in the fact that the ending is not nearly as happy. It really drives home the point "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it". Here she gets what she wishes for, learns from it and gets a chance to make it better. Maybe for a Christmass story this is better anyway. Most people want to focus on the good of the holidays, and this story definately does that.
Keep up the good work and keep on writing!
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Nice little story, and well told also. I could picture well what the man looked like and the excitment all the children felt. The atmosphere was also very well laid out for my imagination to take hold and run with.
There were a couple of grammar misses. Not much though.
"Maury more hugs as the kids each said their reluctant good-byes."
Muary more hugs sounds like a new name for him. Looks like there's a word or two missing out of this sentence.
The next one I'm honestly not sure about. You may have it right. But by pointing it out maybe someone else will notice and let you know if it is correct or not.
"Escorting fifteen three- and four-year-old children"
The three and four year old thing looks a bit strange with the dashes, but like I said, I'm not sure and it could be correct.
That's it reall. Keep up the good work and keep on writing!
Interesting story. Probably way too true also. The tone was over the top bitter, which I found just a tad bit irratating, but in the end is probably what is called for here, considering all that the doll has been put through.
The writing is good and I saw now glaring mistakes. I like the Baby One of Four thing, being a Star Trek fan, it reminded me of Seven of Nine.
-I really love the lines you used. Very dramatic and poetic. I love the message of the poem.
-Some of my favorite lines:
Cryptic tales told in cries of pain
Lost in the darkness of the blind
Read the truth between the lines.
-There is no puncuation in the first verse, but you use it in the rest of the verses. There is a period at the end of the second verse. Is both verses together one sentence? The punctuation in the rest of the poem seems a bit spotty.
-The ryhming seems to bring such beautifully written lines down a notch. Rhyming all four lines of a stanza, seems just a bit too easy and unoriginal.
-All in all a very good poem. Just needs a little tweeking maybe. Keep up the good work and keep on writing.
Good story. Nice build up and interesting plot. Not your basic slamming the wife up against the wall abuse, but a more subtle emotional/mental abuse. Makes for intriuging reading.
I liked the end, but it came off as a bit to short. You had this great build up, and then in one tiny paragraphs you finished up the story. After reading I felt like I was waiting for the end with excitment, and then woosh, the end just passed me by and was done.
Other than that though, great job. I really enjoyed the plot, and your writing and grammer are both very good.
Great poem. You really put the reader in this horrid place. The smell of death surrounds the reader. Made me shudder. The feel of the poem and the flow of the poem works beautifully together. Great job!
Keep up the good work and keep on writing!
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I hope this is not how you feel personally. Because I just have to say that the person described in this poem seems like a fool to me.
He has friends, family, and children, yet he is suffering like the world is going down around him. If he suffered from actual depression, it would show and he would not be telling jokes and smiling.
So I don't really get this at all. Seems like there is something missing to me. I get that you are trying to show a contrast to what may go on in the mind and heart and what may be shown to the world. We all have many masks we where for different occasions. But still the inside is usually, at least a little bit, influenced by our outside world. That's why if we are unhappy with what life is like, then we should strive to change it. The person in this poem seems to have and ok life, but seems like he's suffering from clinical depression. He aches for one moment of love, but he has kids. Kids pretty much love you unconditonally until they are teens. Then they still do, they just don't show it. It just doesn't jibe.
The actually writing of the poem is very good. But it does get a bit thrown off by the fact that you end every other line with "him" for 3 lines then move on to something else. Maybe it should be mixed up a bit more with the endings there.
Your poem has a good flow to it, and is well written. Just needs to have more reason thrown in for why he is feeling such sorrow. Then it would be a great poem.
--In the secret places of his heart sorrow claws at him
I think you need a comma in there after heart.
Keep on writing, and flying on the wings of imagination.
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Good article. I have read many like this on frugle sites, but you manage to bring a freshness to it with the real life example of your friend and her remade dress.
The begining was interesting, but might lead people to believe that every time they go to these places they will find a great item of clothing. Just my opion, but I think it should be said that one should go to these places often, maybe at least weekly to find a great piece. Often going only once will only lead to searching through a lot of junk. But with persitance, you can usually find some good pieces. So looking within the week of needing a new outfit, and expecting to find the perfect thing is usually an excercise in frutility.
More examples of putting together different finds into a unique outfit would have been nice as it would keep it even more interesting and helpful.
All in all though, a great job. Well written and interesting.
Keep up the good work, and keep on writing.
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Great article. Might be an idea at that. I'm sorta in between, and I have the same problem, so I think many, other than the Twiggys out there, might benifit. And yes, I do know who Twiggy is. Probably any one under about 25, probably doesn't, but then they can go look it up on the internet.
You present your case with humour and aplomb. I love your begining, with such great examples of wardrobe malfunctions. I'm sure the 25 and under crowd know those examples by heart.
I love your honesty in telling about such antidotes and the mothers scolding their children for following your example.
I guess the only thing you can do for now only go out to eat if it's lobster. They always offer a bib.
Keep up the great work, keep on writing, and keep on smiling!
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Needs some editing, but it's a good little antidote you have here. I myself have a thing for 20s clothing, so I can understand your frustration in finding one that fits. This could also could easily be three seperate paragraphs. The ending about your mother and your respect for life back then could be your closing paragraph. All together, that part looks way off track with what you've been saying. As a seperate paragraph though it would work just fine.
Here are some spelling and grammer errors I found:
-The bad part about is that the cost is way above what I would eather give for it or it will not fit me properly.
Should maybe be:
-The bad part about this is that the cost is way above what I would either give for it or it will not fit me properly.
-The way the dresses are made a skinny minni of a size 2 can ware it.
Should be:
-The way the dresses are made a skinny minni of a size 2 can wear it.
-The firt time I ever found this dress like I wanted we were out yardsaling one Sunday morning in Florida when we lived there.
Should be:
-The first time...Also this might be a good sentence to start another paragraph.
-Down there you find the best bargains so that is what we did every weekend.
Maybe:
-Down there you find the best bargains, so that is what we did every weekend.
-Just about every time we went I would find at lest one dress like this that the price was right but the fit was wrong.
Should be:
-Just about every time we went I would find at least...
Keep on writing, sharing and dreaming!
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Should "Languidlylounging" be two words "Languidly lounging". Or is there a reason for the missing space. One never knows for sure in poetry.
Great poem. Looks like it was difficult to write though. If I remember my terms correctly alliteration is when you repeat begining constants or sounds? Looks like you did a great job with this but one stanza stands out from the rest. A plentiful plethora of p-words. It looks a little top heavy compared to the rest of the poem.
I love what you wrote about. I think that many of us can relate to this or get frustrated with a spouse that does. My husband wouldn't give up his concert t-shirts if a gun was held to his head.
Keep up the great work and keep on writing!
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"On heroin you could walk from one place to the other and never realize you've moved, your to into the feeling."
Should read: On heroin you could walk from one place to the other and never realize you've moved, you're too into the feeling.
"Never let them realize your following them"
Should read: Never let them realize you're following them.
Ok now for the good parts. I really love your style of writing. Full of prose, haunting images, and beauty. I also love that you don't get so carried away with it that you forget to focus on plot also. You told a great story here. I love they way it goes back and forth between two people with two very different, but none the less consuming, addictions.
The one thing I didn't understand is if she was so addicted to him that she was stalking him, why did she break up with him in the first place? At first I thought it was someone who hadn't gotten together with him yet, just that she wanted to. When you brought up that she dumped him, but never said why, it made it a bit confusing for me. Not enough to keep me from enjoying it though. Just a bit.
Keep up the great writing! Keep on imagining the possibilities!
I really like the message here. I think we have all been like this at least once in our life. Hiding our pain behind a mask of false happiness, when inside we feel nothing but dispare.
I do like that way it is writtin. The way it reads really help the reader to feel the isolation. I don't know why but it does. Maybe the simple sentence structure helps to show the isolation.
What it doesn't really show is her pain. Have you read one of the numerous "Show don't tell" essays on this site? That seems to be what the poem is lacking. Maybe a few more choice descriptive words to make us feel her pain. This seems to be where the simple sentence structure works against you. If you could find a way to keep most of them while still adding a bit of description then this would be perfect. Of course this is only one opinion so hopefully you won't take this too harshly.
Keep on writing!
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What a great poem. Looks like something from days goneby, but unfortunately still happens today if they discover something the religious right doesn't like.
I like that you called him a wizard throughout the poem. People who don't understand magic fear it, and those that don't understand some of the things scientest come up with fear them, so it's apt to put the two together. I did read a book once that said "Magic is just science we don't understand yet." So it really rings an apt comparison to me.
It's also reminisint of the Frankinstien story, but with this scientist producing much more mundane things, it makes it even worse that the people want to punish him.
Great job! Keep up the good work and keep on writing.
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I'm not really feeling this. As a person who has never experienced bi-polar disorder, I can only review by what I know. The whole poem has an upbeat, peppy feel to it that doesn't really jibe with what I know of the disorder. Maybe if you speed up and slowed down the rythem of the poem it would help portray it better.
I do like your first two stanzas. I can see what you are trying to say, although it still sounds to up tempo to me.
By the third line it just seems a bit strained. "Your finding some peace", as far as I know, unless they are on medication, it is very hard to find peace on either end of the spectrum. When you are experiencing extreme emotions it is far from peaceful.
"For what are you searching?
A way to know Why?
And how feel the answers?
Your hands shake, mouth dry"
I like these lines. It seems to touch a little deeper to the core here.
I think with some work this could be really good. It just feels like a topic that should be explored deeper than you have here.
Keep up the good work and keep on writing!
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Great story. It's hard to imagine what goes on in their heads when they are out, or if anything goes on at all. You painted a great picture for the reader of one of the possibilities. Although I always like to think that maybe they are somewhere better, instead of just trapped in some frozen land like ours. A better place to escape the pain of what has happened. But we'll never know.
One thing, I'll nit pick about, is the word Catatonic. I didn't hold it against you in the rating, because I'm not sure myself, but after an accident if they don't come out of it, I thought they were comatose. I always read catatonic as a state that scizophrenic can become. They sometimes go into them and out of them numerous times. There is no damage to the body, only the chemical imbalances that cause scizophrenia. An accident would cause actual damage that could make someone comatose. I'm no doctor thought so I could be wrong. That's why I didn't hold it against you but did decide to bring it up just in case.
I really like the way you had some of the people in his frozen mindscape talking with what the people in reality were saying. If only he would listen to those voices though maybe he could come out of it.
Great work. Keep on writing!
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What a well written, humorous article. Looks like you've been influenced just a tad by Monty Python. I say that because of one prediction in particular:
The filibuster will end when Ted Kennedy's liver explodes on the Senate floor, a result of years of drinking. There will be much rejoicing.
I could hear in my head much British accented rejoicing, and of course Ted saying "Tis, only a flesh wound!"
I love the combination of fact and fancy. You brought them together brilliantly.
Keep up the great work and keep on writing!
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I've been in this place a few times. It never gets any easier. You have done a good job showing the feeling and emotion behind such a hard descion in life.
The writing is a little rough. You start out not captilizing "I" then switch back and forth from captilizing and not. If it's deleberate I can't tell, because their is no ryhme or reason to it.
I think it could be a little deeper. It seems to have just scratched the surface of emotion involed.
Clean up a little this could go from good to great.
Keep up the good work and keep on writing!
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Well done writing. You have created some very powerful imagery here. Conveys a sense of hopeless fustration. Like nothing will ever again be good in the world. No sense of hope at all.
Seems a bit short. Such powerful images leaves me wanting more.
This line seems like it could use more:
A wound where canker grows
Maybe "A wound where a canker grows" or maybe "A wound where cance grows". Something just seems a bit off about the sentence. Maybe it's just me.
All in all, a great job. Keep up the good work and keep on writing.
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Great story. I like the twist you brought to it at the end. Very well written.
I think that many who believe in heaven may believe that someone who has an abortion has no place in heaven. I don't believe this, just playing devil's advocate.
It says that you wrote this for a contest. I'm wondering if their is a word limit or something. This seems awfully short. You don't really give any detail about the rest of heaven. It seems you just zeroed in on the one aspect. If this is due to the contest maybe a statement to that effect would help clairfy things. I would love to see your vision expanded to include more of the tour in this story.
Great work and keep on writing!
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What a beautifully written story. You made me cry. I hate to cry! That's ok though, that's just a sign of a well written story.
I was wondering in the begining why the girl never went and saw her mom, but you explained it at the end. Still made me want to slap her around a bit though. She should have been in thier sooner. I was not able to be with my mom when she was dying and I wish that I could have been.
The thing I don't understand is why Mat's parents were not with them. I don't know many people who would have hung around thier kid all that time, to leave him in his last hours. If the doctors said he might not make it another 12 hours, most any parent would be their till the end. After 5 long years, what's twelve more hours to be with the son you love. So that part seemed unrealistic.
All the rest though was great. It broke my heart Rachel lost her mother and her new friend. Really great story with really great writing.
And the moral of this story is...Don't take what "Zoo Duck" writes seriously. It could get you in trouble.
Here I was getting all caught up in this fable like story, waiting for the serious moral laced ending and bam, there you go messing things up.
Well it was a moral, just not all wrapped in lace, more like wrapped in arsinic. (And if anyone get's that reference then you may be old, or like me forced to watch old movies by your mother.)
Great job, ZD. I didn't see it coming at all and it slapped me upside the head. That's good writing. You built a good story with good suspense, threw in a curve ball and called it a day. Great little story here.
Keep up the great work and keep on writing!
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The writing is great. No mistakes in spelling or grammer. The story flows well. Good job there.
The maine character is definately unique. Not many people decide to use a giant groundsloth for their maine character. Very different. It could be bad to use such an out there creature as the now extinct groundsloth, but you made it work.
The story itself is easy to follow, but the type of story it is, seems a bit muddled. Some strange combination of nature story with extinct animals(groundsloth, and direwolves), mixed with a bit of magick and fantasy(warwolves and trolls. The groundsloth came off like a wimp. Two sniffs of a pack of wolves and he spasms and wets himself? I don't know about that.
I really liked the end with the monkey. Very cute.
Other than that though this is a well written and unique story. Keep up the great work and keep on writing.
This is perfection. I love it! I remind me a bit of Lewis Carrol's Jabborwacky. A little bit nonsense sounding that makes the utmost sense. If that made any sense. Mostly that's with the first and last stanza. The rest fill in the meaning quite nicely so by the end the stanza no longer sounds like nonsense, just musical and errie at the same time. Great jo!
Keep up the great work and keep on writing!
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