This is Thinking-Reed and I have reviewed The Last Goodbye. A very fetching love poem with more than a touch of sadness about it.
Specfic: line 2 Do not need 'all'.
line 3 'til.
line 4 '...wanted you to...'
line 5 'In your arms with my...'
line 8 before change to 'Then'?
The rhyming pattern is irregular; maybe you intend it to be so. You very subtly leave the ending open. Good idea and so thought provoking!
A good poem with rhytm and feeling which I liked very much. I have made a few suggestions you might like to consider and extend. Poetry is the most difficult form and is very personal. The feelings come through here and with work it could become a great poem.
TR
This is Thinking-Reed and I have reviewed What If. Presented in diary format this deals with the death of Calla in an accident and the rôle that Emmeline played, or thinks she played in it.
Specifics: Journalling, perhaps it is better to say 'keeping a journal'
'most long' better 'longest and loneliest'
? capital Mom.
The structure is often composed of short phrases which is a good way of emphasising the pain, but you can link using commas. A little effort here will make a great improvement.
A good presentation of a painful situation, but one which will pass. I particularly liked the understanding that a Journal is not what one sees on the outside, but the words themselves. Well done!
TR
This is Thinking-Reed and I have reviewed Hope. This is an excellent poem which needs some polishing to be really sparkling. It is not a Sonnet though which is a very precise form. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet
Specifics: Good use of words and the feelings of fear are well described. A lot of ground is covered!
line 8 Why not 'throng' for 'song'?
Does not always scan, that is where more work is needed. Declaim the poem yourself and the words will arrive!
Thanks, I would love to see it again if you do decide to revise it.
TR
This is Thinking-Reed and I have reviewed Shaman's Trance. Yhere is a thought-provoking use of space, Had I somehow lost the piece as there was nothing there.
Specifics:
Some beautiful phraseology 'Relinquish awkwardness in tune and tone' for example.
I was left wondering if the - after 'perish'would have been better as a ' ,'
A good word picture of the mysticism of the Shaman's voyage. The shape of the poem relates to its subject.interesting!
One thing jarred..the use of the word 'sedated' in the very important 2nd line '.ancestral space..' comes to my mind.
Thanks for an interesting description of a Shaman at work.
TR
This is an honest poem about an angel with flaws. It expresses strong feelings about Katherine and the exceptional life she leads. The specifics are left unsaid.............
I like the use of neverminding. It brings surprise and a freshness to the final lines.
The photograph is appropriate. Does it include Golden Wattle? That would have been a very nice touch.
tr
A hymn to worship the Lord, uplifting and beautiful!
I love the title of this
Specifics:: line 2 'your' References to God should all use a capital first letter, check this throughout.
line12 I long...
line18 And Satan...
Thank you Misty for a lovely and very fresh new hymn;
tr
The master illusionist who kept everyone guessing was epitomised by Houdini. Things did not change after he died. This is a fascinating description if the ceremony Houdini's friends held for him annually; that is until only one was left.....
Specific points: line1 spiritualists
line 13 ceremonial
line16 delete diurnal
line 20 disrepair
line 27 spiritualists
line41 none
line46 engraved for etched
line 49 wandered
line 108 delete last do
line 131 return for recur, also l134
line 137 delete much, insert very
line 169 menacing for minacing
And a good ending! Thank you so much for a wonderful account!
Nice poem and, for the most part has a very good rhythm.
Whether deliberately or not there are breaks in the rhythm. You might like to look at that. eg Some hold to the dreams still
Have you said the poem aloud to yourself?
..child could?
you used succubi why not try incubus also!! For fun!
You have 'contests' and in the next line 'contest'. Might see if that can be changed.
I loved the poem, very evocative and profound, just suggestions which you may or may not like.
All the best, nice to find someone near my age here (or admits it)
Though not a part of mainstream western religious thinking, the idea of many lives in sequence is espoused, particularly in Buddhism. The non-judgemental nature changes the perspective completely.
Specific points: innermost
adverse perhaps 'radical' is better
the world 'as being on' the ..
drift accross better 'extend beyond'
delete 'Which sounds best to you kind of thing.'
'Why not make your 'mind' a great............
I really enjoyed this poem,
It is a good feeling when poems just arrive, but do not be afraid to edit!
Here are some suggestions:
unquenchable for unforgiving
two broken pieces becoming one
God give me strength
I like the word play pieces/peace
It is as if she is the sun and i am Icarus
Think of using I melted for example 'I am met with her' to I melt with her
A warm and evocative poem describing how important friendship is and how it can change one's life.
Interesting to have a photograph which sets a context for the poem.
That changes the meaning of the poem for me.
I have no specific euggestions apart from deleting the 5 'to me'. But that is a matter of opinion!
Interesting! Is this a poem?
Or a story?
For me more a story and a thought-provoking one.
I'd perhaps entitle it 'Salt in the Wound.'
masquerading is better perhaps than masqueraded
Who is Hortense McGillicutty? It may be McGillcuddy you refer to!
disownment add "or worse." Makes it more sinister
"tromped" perhaps tramped or traipsed or even danced or shimmied
I 'had' spiked
Why not be explicit after all it's the high point: The shock of the sour taste of the salty tea crushed my mother...
Moving is always an adventure! This is a good description of such an adventure written a such way that holds the attention of the reader using a variety of tricks. .
There is real danger around and the suspense builds as the storyh progresses, will she be so drunk she can't welcome him?
Will he get back safe and sound? Will the police llock him up or help him out?
The fantasy of the news reporter finding people to talk about people they hardly knew adds to the flavour.
The resolution of the story was well told, with the town turning out to help the newcomer. Warms your heart!
Then the final twist of being locked out! Very enjoyable. Where were the mobile phones?
I agree with lost of what you say here. Many lives provide an evoluutionary basis for our spirit. You perhaps imply at the beginning saying we are actors playing roles and that we do not have freewill. The universe is not determined in advance and we are part of that process. If we did not have free will there could not be real learning.
Do take these ideas further, many people agree with you!
Good luck.
I was deeply moved by this autobiographical piece of writing. The emotionally intense sections were particularly well written. I felt a heavy heart for the boy who had to carry the burden of the news of the death of his granny. In a strange way I felt that the time he had spent with his gave him the strength and integrity to handle the situation, young as he was.
I was really very sad when the string of the kite was cut and the dragon was freed.
For me this worked well as a piece of writing. the short paragraphs moved iit along.
Strange that I only found out the kite was green at the end. I wonder if this was deliberate. It effectively added to the interest at the end.
This is an interesting poem. It is a 'slow burner' that starts innocuously and then jumps up and grabs you by the throat.
That is to say it is a living poem that can be interpreted in many different ways.
BUT second verse too many 'all': delete the first and modify the last line 'And all I did every day was cry.'
An elegant and neat poem which I have enjoyed. Thank you!
Nature and the Biosphhere needs all the prootection it can get. This poem is one of the ways we can do this.
Draw attention to the simple marvels of the world.
Using colour in a simple yet unusual and very effective way, each verse being printed in a different colour.
Each colour FEELS different and appears in the natural world so often in situations when these feelings are triggered;
A salient reminder that we try to do without the natural wold at our peril. James Lovelock termef it Gaia. Rachel Carson's
book Silent Spring written npw 50 years aago was a harbinger bearing a message yet to be heeded.
Perhaps this poem can help! Thanks!
A classic history from the time before women had property rights. Deborah's father forced her to marry John Rogers who was a rogue and a scoundrel. He did not listen to her begging to be allowed to marry Benjamin Franklin, the man she loved.
This story is well told with a good vocabulary and structure. The kind of lives people had in those times is clearly sketched in, for example Deborah's relationship with her neighbour across the street, the candle-makers wife.
'Blithe' is usually used to describe people rather than a situation.
I suspect this is not the end of the story! Thank you.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
and I have reviewed What If. Presented in diary format this deals with the death of Calla in an accident and the rôle that Emmeline played, or thinks she played in it.