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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/orangesodaking
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Review of Remember  
Review by CameronD
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love it!

Grammar/Spelling:

"find the treasure hunt within" is oddly worded, since you don't particularly find treasure hunts, but you do find treasure itself. Something like "excited to hunt the treasures within" would be the same idea and make more sense.

"Oh dear, remember how you used to love that thing?" is not in italics and is dialogue.

Postive Focal Points:
I love Granny's dialogue, specifically "If this old place had any more imagination it’d turn into a fairy tale!" I might just start saying that as well!

Your introduction was great! It was engaging and all an introduction should be.

Suggestions:
The 4th paragraph has an abrupt rhetorical shift. Your first paragraphs hold a lot of detail and imagery, but the 4th paragraph is very bare-boned, especially because it's dealing with such an important scene. It catches back up in the 6th paragraph, but with a bit more substance in the 4th and 5th the story would have a consistent writing style and clearer plotline.

Overall, I really really loved it. Thank you for publishing this!
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