A compelling poem and well told. A little bumpy with the rhythm at the end, but I don't think it mattered to the meaning of the poem. I thought the story spun out fluently, and the way you wove their personal story into the tale was interesting. Sad ending, but the ends of a life is never a happy affair after all. Thank you for the great read. Well done. I'd like to read more of your work.
This story needs a lot of work - structure, punctuation, syntax, paragraph separation. That being said, I'll say this. For twelve years old, you tell an excellent, poignant and heart rending tale of a life in chaos, a life filled with loss. I loved reading this story. It held my interest from beginning to end. Despite the bumpy ride, the destination was worth it. Keep up the good work and before many years I'm sure you'll be a published author. Work on fine tuning and this story will also be a winner. Have you written more since? I'd like to read more of this story. Thanks and keep writing.
This was a very interesting poem. Isn't this the way we all start out - hopeful and thinking we can conquer everything, become bitter, angry, then wise. I'm not usually a reader of poetry, but I liked this. It wasn't exactly the way it was written, but the meaning was clear and poignant. Yes, we all have our stories when we finally realize the world can wear us down, but still gives us something to share with those who come after. We all achieve wisdom after the fact... thanks for the read.
You know, I really didn't think I'd like this, being that it was about Ken and Barbie (who I personally never could stand). But you told a great story about childhood, and included the dolls in such a way that it really complemented the story of a young girl's adventure. I came across this as a random read, and I thought I'd struggle through it for the points. However, it was so nicely done, that I ended up enjoying the story and was glad I read it. Thanks for the read. Write more.
This was absolutely heartrending. How can one who loves another speak intimately about such atrocities? It's a hard question to answer, and oddly a question that should somehow be answered. Your poem puts into words, and in a very direct manner, the wondering of someone who has never experienced something truly horrible, yet needs to know that there are answers for the unspeakable. I fell into this poem and I did experience the need to understand, and the inability to understand the silence that comes with suffering such horrors. I cannot say it was nicely done, because the story of the Holocaust will never be associated with the words 'nice', or 'well done'. I can say, however, that you have delivered a powerful statement. Thank you.
Ha... ha.... this was so cute. Loved the entire way you explored 'inner space' and intimacy with your quirky play on words. Analogy runs rampant here, and done in such a way that it's playful and original. I think we've all been there, that 'timely' interruption by our children while we're just trying to make a perfect landing... Nicely done and a smile for me early in the morning.
I am not a religious person, do not attend services or practice any kind of formal religion. However, I felt the same connection with nature as you did when I read your piece. My Daddy did teach me about birds, and animals of the forest. He knew the names of every bird, where all the bunny nests were, saved numerous abandoned children of nature, and taught me to tread lightly on God's earth and to respect all of his creatures. I too, love to listen to the birds each morning, fingers poised over the keyboard, or my morning cup of steaming coffee in hand. I stop at dawn to close my eyes and listen, then look out my apartment window at the tall pines and watch finches dance among the branches. No, I am not a church goer, but I see God in the natural world all around. Paradise is here on earth, and we are merely its gardeners and observers. Thank you for the nicely written reminder this soft, somewhat cloudy and cool, Seattle morning...
Wow, I liked this. It was well done, concise, and close to home. My son suffered from something called 'fugue states', when he was in his teens, because of catastrophic events in his life. When he was in one of these 'catatonic' like states, his eyes were dead, far away, and he was unreachable. I would hold his hand and tell him he wasn't leaving me, that I wouldn't let him go, that I was there. It is one of a Mother's worst nightmares. Then, slowly, over the span of several years, it began to fade. His long periods of nothingness and that unreachable place inside him began to fade, and more and more, the light came back into his eyes. I remember the times he'd be deep in one of these fugue states, and all at once that glimmer of hope, of life, would return. I am a teacher and I see this sometimes in special needs children who seem so far, and all at once they return for a moment. Anyway, I wax overly long. Thank you for this wonderful poem. Great job.
No, I'm not a poet for the most part, and I don't know what 'dodoitsu' is, but I found this short poem on the progress of life very refreshing. There's a lightheartedness in it that normally doesn't come with adult poems. Still, there's a cautionary sort of tale told. Easily you've shown how we grow from innocent, naive children and into adults who somehow still are buying into the fairy tales of 'forever love'. One suggestion. In the last stanza, would the word 'from' be better exchanged with 'on'? ( 'building a foundation on' perhaps?) You build on foundations, not from them. I understand you didn't want to use 'on' twice, but if you changed the first on to 'their', you wouldn't have that problem. It's the only thing I could see that I would change to make it flow more smoothly. You used 'from' in the first stanza, 'between' in the second. Would using 'on' be not only more appropriate but less repetitive as well? Anyway, I loved the poem. Short, sweet and to the point. 'grown-up boy and grown-up girl... chasing others from the path, building their foundation on... leaping love, alas'..... It's how I would have said it - doesn't make it right. But anyway, again, thanks for the read..
Okay, I really liked this short piece. Part of me wanted the 'finders' to cash in on big bank, and the other half of me just knew that no attic was going to be full of masterpieces left lying around catching dust. But there was the little niggling feeling that they had found treasure - and what would they do? Looks like they got their just desserts and everything was fake. One thing. Early on in my writing 'career', I learned that one doesn't use 'at all'. It's extraneous filler. If the 'house didn't look that bad', leave it at that. 'At all', doesn't do anything but add words that an editor is most likely going to cut in a descriptive. Other than that, I'll say that I can't seem to write a short piece and can't seem to fit all my thoughts in to a neat space. Congratulations to you for having the ability to tell a story so concisely. Thanks for the read.
Wow. This was so beautifully written that the few, very few errors in spelling and grammar were hardly important. What a powerful story of loss and remembrance. It held me throughout and at no time did I lose interest, but was drawn into this man's sadness. Maybe it's because I'm older now, and have suffered the loss of all my family except my son. Mother, Father, sisters and brother have passed before me, and I know the feeling of loss - a loss you so poignantly described in your story of one man's attempt to understand such loneliness and the connections to those still remaining. I particularly liked the way you used the handful of dirt, the little of what he had thrown on his wife's coffin, to show how he clung to her memory - their memories. Thank you for this. It was the first, and probably the best, read of the day.
I teach children... and this is exactly how a five year old might talk about a beloved stuffed animal or favorite doll. I read it aloud to my son, without stating the parameters of the contest, and he said it sounded like a five year old wrote it! In this case, it's exactly what was to be accomplished for this contest, so kudos! I found it heartwarming and cute. Don't usually review poetry, because it's such a difficult arena for me, but I happened on this as a random read and thoroughly enjoyed it. I can see this as an illustrated children's book in fact.
Though I didn't think at first this was a story for me, I read on. In the end, it's a great cautionary tale for those who have been 'blinded' by love. One correction... the word 'morn' should be 'mourn'. Other than that, I loved the simple way you told a story about how easily we fall for the gilded cage and then find ourselves in it, imprisoned by what we thought were actual feelings. This is a 'working through sorrow and pain' tale, that works especially well for those who have recently made the same mistake as our little princess here. Thanks for the read. Enjoyed it thoroughly.
Great job of building suspense and an interesting story. The Lich are somehow seen as the redeemers, the good guys as it were. I want to read more, to see if this is a ruse, or if the Lich are truly not the devils man makes them out to be. I ask the question "Is darkness light, and light darkness?" It's a topsy turvy world you are creating, though I see that her brother Berlich is very much a zombie like creature. Whatever the 'truth', I want to read more. Thank you for this read. Great descriptive and a story that moves along.
I really enjoyed this read. You made it extremely uncomfortable (as it should be) to read about the horror the farmer and his wife faced. I felt the farmer's fear as he took up his scythe and made for the barn, and his grief and anger at the men who harmed his wife. The only thing I found confusing was at the very last. Though I understand this knight was a noble who probably would have given barely a nod to common folk, I might have thought he would have shown a little mercy for the wounded farmer. Does he assume the man will die as well? he does say "we've no time for the dead, soldier". I expect that means he feels the man will die shortly of his wounds. I'll definitely want to read more.
Sorry, but I can't find anything wrong with this story. Though it's not my usual genre (sci-fi fantasy), I was drawn in and intrigued by the seamless storytelling and flow. It seems as if you have first hand knowledge of the war, and poignantly handled the description and emotions of the vet, as he recalled his past. It as all tied wonderfully together by the father's reminiscence and his trip to the mountain. Sad and sweet, and very well done.
I loved it. Period. Write more.
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But anyway, again, thanks for the read..