Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
What I like: There is a lot going on here. I like the complexity of the setting and characters.
Opening: There is a bit of conflict to start off. It creates interest in the reader to see what is going on.
Plot: to me, this is an introduction to the characters, circumstances, and setting
Hook: for me, the characters and setting are the hook. This story comes to life in a great way.
Style and Voice: This is a easy flowing story. Each character has their own voice. Well done.
Dialogue: I enjoyed the dialogue. It advances the story.
Area(s) for improvement: I have some suggestions. notes ▼
waist and - waist, and
way Niva, it - way, Niva; it
me." Her - me," her
complaining dear - complaining, dear
aunt, I - aunt. I
duty, you - duty; you
infront - in front
down and - down, and
However - However,
fine Niva - fine, Niva
Monti, Niva - Monti. Niva
lady and - lady, and
you my - you, my
unnatural and - unnatural, and
said, yes - said. Yes
her and - her, and
hardest. With - hardest with
parent, she - parent. She
words but - words, but
effect, they - effect; they
sides, and - no comma
happier." She - happier," she
atleast - at least
before but - before, but
brave, she - brave; she
did but - did, but
mask and - mask, and
slippers, the - slippers; the
her, she - her. She
death you - death, you
easily." He - easily," he
King he - King, he
difference he - difference; he
wedding." Said - wedding." said
look.." said Proce, - look," said Proce,
face and - face, and
moment he - moment, he
crying" he - crying," he
long," she - long." She
liar but - liar, but
this." He - this," he
dark, "you - dark. "You
father, he - father. He
understand he - understand; he
doesnt then - doesn't, then
go, we - go; we
sun and - sun, and
not," she - not." She
up, his - up. His
girl, I - girl; I
selfish, I - selfish. I
anything but - anything, but
up, he - up. He
wasnt - wasn't
sleeping, he - sleeping; he
hair once - hair, once
length had - length, had
wool and - wool, and
instant, he - instant; he
Lord and - Lord, and
dawn, this - dawn; this
then." He - then," he
around, she - around. She
years she - years, she
life she - life, she
family and - family, and
saucers but - saucers, but
"Whats - "What's
boy?" Her - boy?" her
friend and - friend, and
lord." He - lord," he
now, he - now. He
wilder and - wilder, and
everything." She - everything," she
"dont - "don't
me," she - me." She
crying, she - crying; she
"I couldnt, - "I couldn't,
while, she - while. She
come but - come, but
rest, tomorrow - rest; tomorrow
dark and - dark, and
seemed from - seemed, from
gloom the - gloom, the
appeared, she - appeared. She
people but - people, but
hand he - hand, he
Aecilli, Niva - Aecilli. Niva
stones) was - stones), was
water and into - water into
stone, glowed - no comma
flame, she - flame; she
terrifying, it - terrifying. It
doubts and - doubts, and
real but - real, but
Monti, you - Monti. You
them, you - them; you
anything." he - anything," he
face but - face, but
Monti, I - Monti. I
anything." she - anything," she
silence, the - silence; the
structure, yet he - structure; yet, he
This could - This could - italics works well for internal thought
afraid," he
darkness, he - darkness. He
one, yet he - one; yet, he
lord." she - lord." She
practised but - practised, but
Stallion "you - Stallion, "you
Dolcia, she - Dolcia. She
body and yet - body, and yet,
smile which - smile, which
Queen he - Queen; he
king, they - king. They
my Lord" she - my Lord," she
Monti, let - Monti. Let
wife." he - wife," he
them, slowly she - them. Slowly, she
shadows and - shadows, and
were he - where he
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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