Dude, I totally dig it.. I like the first person POV, but let me see if I understand. There's clearly a question of if our protagonist will have children, or if she even wants them. That question seems to be answered at the end where she expresses a distaste for men... she certainly doubts she will have children, at the same time as she is surrendering control over her future because of her feelings about men. The subtext being that she wants a fruitful relationship with a man but believes she cannot have one, and that belief seems to be expressed through her physical sickness that fits so well in this story. I note that the bus driver is also an obnoxious man, yet our protagonist's destination is in his hands.
I really enjoyed how the protagonist and the mother exchange dialog without speaking to each other. It was a great mechanism for expressing denial as well as a detachment from femininity... a twist of perspective to side-step the complete joy a child can bring to a mother so that our hero does not have to address her sickness, a sickness so deep that our hero would go nearly as far as to wish a child from existence so that it would not have to suffer the sickness too; a stark contrast of her motherly compassion for a child and her ultimate pessimism that she can never be whole or fulfilled, pessimism so ingrained that she believes no one can be whole or fulfilled. It's a sickness so beautifully illustrated yet left unanswered by the end, where instead our antagonist, the oh-so important man, is viewed through scornful eyes... eyes that must have been a shade of green for their complete lack of attention to his date (which would not be our hero's first expression for envy of happiness, nor her first reproach on her own femininity. Oh, and the fact the you refered to the computerized female voice was awesome, but given the themes you've established here I think you could take that image a lot further)
You've established a clear voice and theme here... and with those in mind I would rewrite for style, and excess baggage. I would either cut the two women speaking in spanish, or elaborate on them just a little to make them more relevent to your theme. Same with the sports bar.
There does also seem to be a theme of personal responsibility here... but it is a very quiet one, I would either elaborate on it or lose it. It is expressed in the protagonist's reluctance to throw her bags on the train and get up any sooner than she has to, as well as in her view of the antagonist giving BIRTH to words and being BURIED by them... although both of those images could be tied to the major theme of the story with a little work, and well within the voice you've established. I guess I'm asking for more clarity with both of those images.
Oh, and between the "I won't. I won't" and the "NO!" you lapse into a bit of exposition, unfortunately poised right as we enter into the story's climax... but I appreciate the use of synathesia: "My head ached louder..." Use the headache to build increasing tension throughout that segment. This is a great place to get out your poet's toolbox and pay close attention to pacing for dramatic effect... perhaps express greater contempt for the computerized female voice, tying it in with the headache, a headache which should intensify with each imagined future... perhaps bring in the squirming stomach sooner as well, instead of using it and the headache like bookends. Know what I mean? Earn that "NO!" before you let it loose... what you do here will give you a greater platform for itroducing the inflated antagonist.
I really hope you revise this one. You seem to have a lot vested in it, and I'd like to see you give it as much power as you can.
Hi Sam! I like this one the best of the 3. Its different from the others to me, in that it presents a conflict and then resolves it. It has an underlying dramatic question, that appears to be "Will her love be for him?" or "Does a man that has bent a woman to his will deserve to have her?" The answer is a spiteful and resounding "Hell no!", and seems to shame the desire men sometimes have for control over "their" women, or the typical fantasy of assembling "dream woman" from a collection of perfect parts.
I've given you a 3.5 because I'd like to encourage a rewrite... for one, did you mean "they saw him SEE him", or did I miss something? And two, I think you could have more dramatic effect in the ending. Dropping the "Smiling" from the end, and changing the line prior to it to get the same effect... perhaps by being more descriptive about how she blinked and how she walked away. Show, don't tell! ;) That is something you've done successfully, right up until those last two lines.
Similar themes to your covenant story. It ends with "home" being destroyed, and your characters being abandoned. I would recommend clearly identifying what your personal interest in these themes are, and then incorporate it into your characters and into your descriptive language. I'll also harp on your spelling and grammar again. You have tools available to you to help with those things. I like your additional theme here of compassion for fallen soldiers opposed by the militaristic view of expendable soldiers. Perhaps you can build upon that...
I always enjoy action and gore. "...bowels clutched in its fists and jaws." That was precious! I appreciate your very visual style. Some sections were awkward.. maybe you could elaborate on the sword, why it heats up. I think you're trying to do too much in that passage. I suggest reviewing for word choice, checking for "tongue tiedness". I do like your sense of suspense and story telling. Keep it up!
I apprecaite action and violence like this. I would suggest that you find a more colorful approach, though. Try to create an ambience of battlefield calamity and fear. The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" could serve as inspiration. Find creative ways of refering to your character. 117 is repeated a bit too much. I like your vision of a battle scene and flare for gore, but you need bloodier descriptions and some sense of fear or disorientation. Also, recheck for spelling and grammar.
I dig your story. That plot was captivating, characters generally well done. The last scene with Picard and Wesley seemed an appropriate, well thought out ending. I had a great visual of the hospital scene. You seem capable of sophisticated language, I would have liked to see just a bit more of it. Also, the name Clover didn't seem "Star Trekish" enough to me, and did the Clovans look exactly like humans or were the away team members disguised by their rain gear?
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/prada959
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 9:54am on Apr 29, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
