((empathy hugs)) Does the speaker really have a condition that's going to shorten per life, or is that a metaphor? This poem clearly communicates emotions of despair.
It's hard to react to this one with literary criticism. It engaged me on a more personal level than that. On rereading I noticed some things that could be fixed, and on rewriting you might think of ways to polish it into even better prose, but you have a solid story here.
Triggers? Some people like a "does that mean what I think it means and, if so, how could it possibly work?" effect in science fiction...maybe I'm just too slow.
A few typos are too obvious to affect the meaning, but still distracting: Weiss/Wiess, Blake/Blak, a "has" that should probably be a "had."
Four stars is still good. Maybe faster-witted readers will give this story more stars.
I don't like the thought of people leading such cluttered lives, but that's just me. The poem expresses their trying to squeeze their relationship into tiny slots of time quite nicely.
The rhythm is unusual but effective; it suggests a tune.
It meets the requirements of its form perfectly, and expresses the statement it intends to make clearly and well. It's obviously not a popular "poetic" topic, but for what it is, I think it's quite good.
Mistakes? The word "Beanik" seems to be missing from the sentence that currently begins with "still hugs this tree," not quite halfway down the page.
Overall? It's an interesting premise for a story, reminiscent of "The Word for World Is Forest" and of "Lord of the Rings." As a short story it stands on its own. I'd be interested in reading the longer story it foreshadows; people who buy fiction would probably buy it.
This could become a delightful picture book. I'm not sure where picture books now stand on assonances like "black" and "cat" but picture books have room for a few more words than this anyway. I would buy this book for a child, if shopping for one.
I'm not seeing the part of the story that tells what the white pony did. Is that a strategic decision or a computer issue?
There is indeed something magical about Iceland, and the lines I've read are a nice introduction to a story for children who don't already think of "fire and ice, geysers, fjords, trolls, and beautiful knitwear" at the sight of the country's name. They make me want to read the story.
Well, this post tempts me to share family stories and insights, instead of writing a decent review. So that means it's giving a clear, credible impression of the characters. If that's the goal this is a successful post.
The sentence beginning with "Meet Arthur" is technically flawed: imperfect parallelism, nonstandard punctuation, one of those "comma splices" some editors hate. As a conversational sentence it works for me. I've had clients who wanted a conversational tone but would complain of "grammatical errors" if a sentence was *that* conversational.
I read this piece as a metaphoric description of an experience I share, written in a way that excludes me. People who belong to certain religious traditions hear from spirit guides. People seeking admission to hospitals hear voices in their heads. People who are most conscious of what we hear, who think in words and choose to become writers, remember (or imagine) how different familiar voices said things. So how do I relate to this story? I'm inside, or outside? I should be respectfully learning about a spiritual experience I don't have, or chortling about an experience that's mundane and familiar? The "Comedy" label is the only clue.
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