This is a very interesting story. I'd like to know about the whole story (if this is part one). I don't like the first few words. I expected to read a joke. There were a few punctuation errors, but nothing that interfered with the flow. Nice job. SMILE The WHILE Sally
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. Nice, short story with a good hook. I'd like to read something else of yours. / mothers voice needs an apotrophe - mother's voice. / You can probably get away with the digits 4 and 17, but most prefer anything above ten to be spelled out. / "copy their answer" is only correct if there was only one question on the test. / should be "I needed to get out of there" not "here" / Whole sentences are easier to read. / All in all, I enjoyed the quick read. Keep it up. SMILE The WHILE
Sally
Doug, I love this story. The words flowed like silk. I have an idea you sent me to this story on purpose. You know I'd have a hard time writing dialogue like this. I've tried to write like this, but my dern "Rules of English Grammar" always get in the way. The story is solid and the hooks were wonderful. Thank you again for another soft place - I'll hang on to it all day.
P.S. Did I miss something again? Is there a reason you changed the capitalization of Jack 'O Tens or the placement of the apostrophe in it? My mind's not strong enough these days to understand your reasons for those. But, if you can explain those to me I'll find out how to change the score I gave you to that Once-In-A-Lifetime Perfect. Thanks, again. Sally
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. This is a very good strory. You did what a writer should do. You created the dream. I can't help wondering if ths story is really fiction or not. I have been your protagonist. (so I could have written this story - though not as poetically) Hopefully your imagination is just as insightful as my memories. Wonderful job. The only thing that slowed my reading was the last two sentences in the first paragraph. Was it her making a show of holding back or him? Same for the next sentence. Thank you for writing this piece and sharing it as you have. SMILE the WHILE Sally P.S. Please do me the favor of R&R on a story of mine- #1616203 "Innocents Have Been Changed..." Thank you.
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. Tommy, I liked this story. Thank you for taking me to the edge. I give an honest, detailed review-take it for what it is- an opinion from a not-so-perfect reader. If you were to read your own story aloud to yourself, you will spot some errors. As you read it, you may want to add some commas. If there is a hesitation in reading a line, it probably needs a comma there. It helps the flow for me. I think the story could be better if: spell out numerals / "top rated" hyphenated -top-rated / use barely, not "barley" / lifetime, not "life time"/ just plain, not "plan" / "nights" - pleural or last night's? / once-promising, not "once promising" / judgment was, not "judgment were" / tried what cold turkey? Please read and rewrite your own sentences "When he was left alone.." and the next one - "an only child..." / what is A.A. ? I know, but someone may not know. The story is too good to leave it in disrepair. If you decide to rewrite it, let me know. I'd be glad to reread it. Keep practicing- it helps. SMILE The WHILE Sally
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. The reviews I write are painfully honest. Sorry, but if your story is there to be reviewed, I feel you want honesty. I would love to read something else you've written. I hope this piece is not indicative of "your style" . You have some pretty words strung together. That is all. Would you consider rewriting it in such a way as to make whole sentences? / OK, "had never met" is in incorrect tense. "temptating" is not a word. "He gave Her feeling" (? a feeling? the feeling?) "He got Her too.. somewhere" is incorrect usage of too- too means also - to somewhere is correct. The use for the word "galaxy" here is interesting. (as in, a galaxy of words, but I don't think it is used correctly here. - You know "Him" better than I do. Are 'His' words brilliant and distinguished? If not, the word is too strong for me) Remember, it's only my opinion and everyone has one. Keep practicing and hang in there. Let me know if you decide to rewrite this story. I'd be more than glad to read it again. SMILE the WHILE, Sally
Alright, first remember you said you'd review my piece and I really would be pleased if you kept your word. Now, can we talk? If you, as a writer thinks of himself as a perfectionist- you need to think again. Take just a moment to read the sentences (that you wrote) now. A perfectionist would never let those sentences see the daylight of the public eye. I want to get everything I write perfect, too. Everyone makes mistakes here and there. Sometimes I write the same sentence or waffle about one single word for hours. I don't stop until I am satisfied that I've done my best. Above, you wrote eight lines. Each of the eight lines contain at least one error. (grammar / sentence stucture/ punctuation, etc.) If you really want some help or advise, I can do that. If you're searching for a high rating for these eight lines; I can't help you. You asked me to review your work and I did. Respond to this review if you'd like. If you don't and don't like what I've said here, please don't take it out on my piece and reciprocate fairly in a review of #1616203. SMILE the WHILE, Sally
You have a good premise here (hope it is not autobiographical)It was very hard to read because the grammar was oh! so bad. Your sentence structure also made it very hard to read. I don't know how old you are but I hope you will consider brushing up on these areas. Don't just give up on your writing - practice helps. (I will use sb to mean should be )Some specifics are: I can not sb cannot,(should be cannot), tip of toes sb tips, card sb cards, Monopoly sb capitalized, 'prayer beads on a rosary. With' sb whole sentence as,"prayer beads on a rosary, with", weather sb whether, things makes sb things make, you sb your,its sb it's, hes listening sb he's listening. etc. If you love to write like I think you do, take the time to get a better handle on grammar. You'll be glad you did. Remember, this is only my opinion - take it or leave it -Keep It Up - SMILE the WHILE, Sally
P.S. I believe you used "cassette" incorrectly. Invest in a good thesaurus-it will pay off. If you would like help with these errors, I'd be glad to help you. Also, let me know if you decide to rewrite this story and I'll be more than happy to read it again.
This is the best story I've read in a long while. (Maybe I can relate because of my own dementia.) I thoroughly enjoyed it. Your way of bringing a sentence from the first part back exactly to the end is akin to the style I use. Some sentences were rather long, but I found I didn't care. The story flowed while keeping me riveted to the page. Please insert an apostrophe in "won't" (4th sentence from last). One sentence did
not flow from me. Take another look at it - it just wasn't good for me. "Is that the great mystery of where I am and how I got here solved?"I hope I was helpful. SMILE the WHILE, Sally
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ratmom/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 10:08pm on May 08, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
