My advice to you is to at least use a checking tool for your spelling, it's bad. Here's my review:
"feariously" is misspelled
"road" should be "ridden"
the sunset doesn't glisten, the sun does (or the sunlight)
"glisened" is misspelled
"lustrious" is misspelled
the "I" in "in my eyes" should not be capitalized
put a comma after "hault"
"take shifts breathing" makes no sense
"I seen it" should be "I saw it"
the "I" in "in my girl's..." should not be capitalized
"virgorously" is misspelled
"Anxiouty" is misspelled and "blood line" makes no sense
As you can see, you need to "spell-check" your work.
Keep plugging along, it'll get better with a little effort.
Another good "flash" piece. I did not like the mention of it being a "castle". "House" is more appropriate for the dialogue. I know the weapon would probably have to change, but the dialogue is too modern for a scene set in a "castle". (It may be easier to change the speech.)
Again, and this is just me, but I've never known a woman to throw a necklace. She may throw anything else, but not her jewelry.
Keep practicing - practice does make (almost) perfect.
Hey, Dawn - I was enticed by what you've written thus far, but if I review your work, you'll quickly see I'm a stickler for following rules of grammar. Now, that being said, I'd like to suggest a few things. This is the way I always review, and you either like it or you don't. It's mostly only my opinion anyway.
First, do us old folks a favor and space this out into paragraphs or drop down a space between every few lines. This will make it easier to read.
In the third sentence, "..get sick of, and toss.." makes no sense. use no comma after .."father,.. nonexistent.." "...taking out the ... on Autumn, she's creating (and make this two sentences)
"More specifically, if affects...with Robby."- as it's written, it's not a sentence.- neither is the following sentence. should be "Autumn (also known as Auto), do best?"
"..who eventually get pushed... " (not get eventually) misuse of the word, "Nevertheless"- suggest- "Whatever its affect on him has been, it's lasting..."
"...it's lasting effects.."- should be "its" - no apostrophe.
You're a good speller and that makes the piece easier to read.
Slow down - In this one paragraph(?), you're trying to tell us about numerous aspects of potential subplots. Consider giving some background information about the absent father and Autumn's pursuant relationship with her mother.
Keep up the good work. If you decide to rewrite this piece, I'd gladly reread it.
Sally
PS- I changed my rating from 3.5 to 4.0 only because you can spell better than many I've seen here.
This "story" makes no sense. If you really want opinions of your work, put some effort into your writing. If you take the time to read your own work (out loud), you'll see a lot of mistakes. And, please, please don't use a lowercase "i" when using this pronoun. Too bad you don't care enough to try. SallyD
Hi, Gemstone. I like the premise of this story. You're a fairly good speller, but your punctuation needs serious work. For instance, "Mine" and "Winter" shouldn't be capitalized and you have a lot of run-on or fragmented sentences. These things may seem small to you, but if you're a reader--mistakes like these make it hard to concentrate on the content of the story. May I suggest that you read your own work out loud to yourself. You'll see what I mean. Keep practicing, as this helps us all become better writers. SallyD
Please read your work back to yourself out loud. The, add some punctuation so I can read it. Even the title makes no sense. It could be good. I just can't tell yet. I couldn't get through it one time. Keep practicing. It helps us all. If you need help, just ask. I may not be a great writer, but I am a great reader. SallyD
Glynis, I think if you read your piece out loud to yourself, you'd see some terrible mistakes. I'd be glad to reread it after you fix some things. Start by looking up the word "dieing". Let me know if you decide to rewrite it. Keep practicing, it helps us all. SallyD
Oh, "Sleepysheep". Are you speaking English here? Please use a dictionary and some punctuation. If you'll rewrite it, I'd be glad to reread it. If you need help, I'd be glad to assist. Thanks. Keep practicing.
Dave, I think this is the first thing I ever rated and reviewed for you. I remember giving you a low score and a lot of useless banter about it. As I continue to write and remember my own
beginnings in life, I must admit this story made me mad--or sad--I don't know which. Anyway, after a lot of thinking, I've changed my review. It was a good, solid piece from the start.
Sally
Remember, this is only my ipinion and everyone has one. I was afraid to read this piece when I saw in the decription, "ironicly" - it should be spelled "ironically" - Just misspelled, but I really didn't see the "irony" - you are creative, so find another word to use there. I was so pleasantly surprised - This is a wonderful story. I love that the boy could've been one of my boys - With no physical description of him given, he could be anyone's boy.
Maybe, the first line should refer only to "its inhabitants" instead of "all its inhabitants" - since you tell of only two.
Use either God or god - don't switch it up
I believe you were looking for "finality" instead of "finally"
Good work - I look forward to reading more of your pieces. Sally P.S. I rarely give a rating of 4.5 - it's a good work.
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. Are Kevin and Keith two different people? This could be a fairly good piece of flash fiction, but your grammar (esp. punctuation) is terrible.
Please go back and read your work outloud to yourself. You may find at least a few of the errors you've made.
Your use of apostrophes is all wrong. Study the rules of punctuation, and rewrite this piece. If you do rewrite it, I'll reread it. If I can help, let me know.
Keep practicing as it helps us all. SMILE THE WHILE !
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. Great story! It is descriptive, flows nicely and comes together at the end. I really enjoyed the read. Thank you.
A couple of suggestions (take them or leave them): I had to print the story on my printer with a bigger font. The font here is alright, but please place line breaks or paragraph breaks here and there. Otherwise, the sentences just run together. - This is true for any writing on this site. If it's not readable to me, I just don't try.
I wanted to know more about the room she was kept in. Were the walls rubber? The floor was cold- was there a bed or blankets" etc.
Had she had previous mental problems? If so, tell me about them (is this why he called her a "psycho"?
The sentence "...pens and mutiple objects where.."-restructure it and don't use "where".
The sentence about places that existed in the backs of ... - Beautiful sentence, but I don't like the word "back" here- You're creative - use a better word.
What in the heck is a linoleum refrigerator?? Seriously, I want to know. !!
The sentence, "..remembered the tears falling..." - It's too rambling-was she on the football field?
I can't believe you spelled so correctly - that's a real plus for me, so I changed the rating I was giving you from 3.5 to 4.0 for sound spelling. Keep up the good work.
Please rate and review some of my pieces - I would really appreciate it. Sally
I like this story. Please change the font to something bigger. If I had to read a longer piece, I simply wouldn't get through it with this small print. Also (my opinion), you use too many semi-colons.
I've only read one other person's work that comes from a heart like yours. I, in fact, almost want to know if you are him. This piece is very melodic and I love it. Keep up the good work! Sally
How old are you now? I'm going to read your other piece, when I have more time. I'll also give you the suggestions I have for making this one better. I had to respond now because I couldn't believe a sixteen-year-old could write this many words and spell them all right. I'm serious. Just for now, I'd ask you to change the order of the sentence-"...The one person..."-maybe "You'd never fight for the one person..."
I'll get back to you.
Sally
I am not a professional, but this is only my opinion anyway. This is a good story and I'd like to see you finish it. Please let me know when you do. I write in first person a lot but I don't use quotes or italicize my own thoughts. I gave you a good rating because I enjoyed the story and your spelling is better that most on rhis site. Will you please review and rate one of my stories? They are very short. I'd be grateful. SMILE THE WHILE Sally
I don't get it. "..inside me bursts with fire and I find my angray self out.." ?? I don't get it. How do you mean the word "scrappng" here? Practice helps -Keep it up. SMILE THE WHILE Sally
Oh, Fitz I want you to do something for me. Read this story to yourself (out loud). Go ahead, do it now. So many grammar errors will come up and hit you in the face.
You can write, slow down and pay attention to what you're writing. Some errors are ok- nobody's perfect - but the errors in this piece completely got in my way. I was confused and nothing flowed because of the grammar. If you need help, let me know. If you do rewrite it, Id be glad to reread it. Let me know. Sally
Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. Thanks for the read. There are a couple of grammar mistakes: I think the creek "wanders" - not "wonders". / "sun's - not "suns" / "wind-swept waves" (would've kept me from getting confused)- instead of "wind swept waves.." / "its" never has an astrophe except in the contraction, "it is" -
I'm a fairly good reader and I've got to say, this was one of the most confusing stories... Most of the sentences were so weighed down with unnecessary verbs, adverbs and adjectives that I simply lost interest. Keep writing, practice makes us all better writers. SMILE The WHILE Sally
Hi, Fred. This is a good start to a story. Finally, I've found someone who can write a whole sentence. Remember, this is only my opinion and everyone has one. A few errors interrupted the flow for me. Most of the errors would've been found before you made the piece public - IF only you had read it to yourself out loud first. These include: "an encounter" - not "and" / "a" pesky rat / "spectical", "presense" and "recieves" are misspelled. / " he sprinted" not "his" / " no handle" no or nor sign, ("had no handle nor a sure sign") / crept - not "creeped" - See what I mean, take the time to read your own work! My favorite sentence is: "The edges of the door..." (I saw the edges, too.) Was it one door or two- keep it the same from sentence to sentence. I'm not sure how you meant "rosary" to be used- I know you are aware of its defination, but I don't see it. "..greatest secret ever revealed thus far.." is redundant to me. "..ever revealed in the history.." should suffice. If you decide to rewrite it, I'd be glad to reread it. Keep up the good work and SMILE The WHILE Sally
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