I just read this, and I'm still not sure what happened. The gist of it is that these boys use a type of magnet to extract a previously unidentified substance from the river. At least, I think this is what happened.
It might be more interesting if you showed us what happened in 'real time' instead of having these characters discuss it after the fact. Also, you might be more clear about what they're trying to do, and why they're doing it. After reading this, I still have no idea what Orgone is, why it's important, or what they intend to do with it.
For the subject matter, this seemed overly long... and it's only part 1. I felt there was too much dialogue and too little action.
I also felt there was too much imagery that was either heavy-handed or imprecise, starting with the crypt door simile in the first paragraph. In the next paragraph, his brain is packed in cotton. For my taste, this is too overpowering.
Wow, did Ben really dig up all of those graves for Becky's "birthday?" That must have been hard work.
One problem I noticed is when the point of view shifts to Becky... usually you want to use a scene break when doing that, because without a clear and consistent POV the story gets muddy fast. Another problem is that Becky never gets a chance to fight back; Ben never has to struggle, either. Because of this, the story seems more like an inevitability than something full of possibility.
While reading this, I wished I knew more about what lurked under the surface of Ru and Myra's relationship. In this story, you give us the emotional waves, but you don't tell us about the ocean. At the end of this, we still know practically nothing about these people, or about what's going on between them. I think we need more information before we can really become attached to these characters.
I think this lacks coherency. None of these stanzas create a meaningful image.
The first stanza contains an obvious sexual metaphor, but I still have no idea who is involved. Is the 'young man seeking gavel thrust' a would-be recipient, or would-be giver? Who are the 'ladies judging trials'? Are they female judges? Jurors? Spectators? Who is on trial? What is their relationship to the young man?
There is no need to offer clear answers, but it is necessary to provide enough structure and clarity to make it possible to ask meaningful questions. In my opinion, you haven't done this.
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