The thing that struck me most about the piece was your description of Paul Harris and his basement; he is jazz personified. I love jazz, the music is just so free and wild, just like him and the "lime green shag carpet."
I don't like the line "Like many a shut-in child" I think it sounds forced. Try something like "Like many withdrawn children."
The ending was cool, conveying that you use jazz as a weapon. It is indestructible, well I hope it will never die!
That was a touching little story. So simple, yet so heartwarming. I don't know if I've intepretted it correctly, but did the lines:
"I don't get hungry or thirsty anymore."
and
" I don't need to breathe anymore."
mean that you yourself felt lost at that point in your life? I loved the ambiguity at the end when the Grandfather says "Thank you for waiting." It's dual meanings that have a touching quality which people get a kick out of.
This peace sort of made me laugh, but I'm not sure if I should be! Personifying alcohol, I think that's a very original idea. Very good for coming up with it! I love the way it talks a thousand languages, it's parts like this that prove to be quite witty and leave me laughing. It's reminded me of positive, funny times when there was alcohol involved. It's one of them pieces of prose that causes the reader's emotions to fluctuate. The ending brings the reader a sense of empathy for the author, yet also gives food for thought. Are some cases classified as "alcoholism" actually something else?
What I'd say is change this spelling error:
It whispers sweeter things into my ears then (than) most ever have.
I really loved this poem. It confronts a very common, yet unspoken issue in society today. I think everyone knows of someone that has been the victim of domestic violence. I loved the rhetorical questions:
"What runs this woman's fire?
Could it be madness or desire?
To keep a man in her life?
To be the perfect wife?"
I find myself pondering as to why women always go back. The fire and flame imagery was also very powerful on me as a reader; to blow out her own flame, that was a very smart line!
The only thing I'd say to you is try and shorten a few lines here and there. It's fine some should be longer than others, but I definately think
"She walked out my door with a backward glance,"
Is a little too long. Overall, very well done indeed! You should be very proud of this poem.
Lol! This is so different to the poem I did for the spell for happiness! I wrote it when I was 11, I required alot of materialistic things! Yet this poem is so humble! HaHa, this non-selfish poem puts me to shame! A little pointer though:
"Let their imagination soar,
(Make) sure their feet stay on the floor."
I think the word 'Make' was meant to start off with a small letter? Still, I personally congradulate you on your less-selfish approach to writing about happiness!
This appears to be an allusion to Avril Lavigne's song Sk8r Boy. Still, the way you wrote the story gave me a fuzzy feeling in my stomach. Constant repetition of the word "nobody" gave the reader a sense of the lonliness this guy went through, yet at the ending "for her" makes the reader feel the happiness whenever this guy no longer has to be lonely, but can share his music for a girl. I think I spotted one slight spelling error:
Not a bad poem, my compliments to leaving out the commas. This technique gave the poem a greater speed, which helps the reader experience the sense of panic.
However, there were a few things which I thought could do with changing:
"Half forgotten memories
like a bad dream-reappear"
It seems to me that your almost forcing yourself to name the exerience: "bad dream-reappear."
Perhaps you could change it to something like:
"Half forgotten memories
in a bad dream they reappear"
Also, you've personified the "prize":
" long for the prize that awaits me"
I think this is a great technique, because it gives the reader the message that you have hope that there is someone or something out there to get you.
My favorite stanza was the second one:
"Flickering shadows in the twilight
flash across my worried mind
bringing back unwelcome memories
of a sad and lonely time"
Here you ellaborate on how a bad dream would hit you by using very visual language. I favour this because you've taken time here to illustrate what's also happening to you whilst at the same time showing the emotions you are experiencing.
First of all, you REALLY need to fix the description! It sounds so blunt and makes the reader feel guilty for not being psychic and knowing what the poem was about.
There was a little bit of repetition that could of been avoided;
"and I'm making my way
making my way up the center aisle"
Perhaps it could be changed to:
"and I'm making my way
up the center aisle"
The shorter line seems to make the poem sound better.
Overall, excellent poem. A few very heartfelt lines such as;
"Silent as the wind on that day
The leaves spur around
whispering your name"
and
"could it have been changed
the fate that was dealt to your hand"
A few words occurred in the poem which I felt weren't necessarily needed or put in the wrong place;
"You all watched painfully,
As I walked out the door."
I felt this sigament would of sounded better like
" As all watched painfully,
I walked out the door."
***
"And It feels good to be back home."
No need for the "and"! The line gives so much more suspence and emotion without it;
"It feels good to be back home."
However, incredible and heartfelt poem. The second last stanza really threw me off guard and changed the story as to what I thought that would be; this talent to shock a reader is very useful and a good weapon for you to use in stories and novels.
I can really relate to this poem, as I'm in a long distance relationship myself. You captured the sense of longing for your beloved very well in this poem. There was only one thing I spotted that I thought could do with changing;
"But is trapped
In an earthbound cage"
I think the first line could be changed to "But it's trapped" to make it sound slightly better.
Congradulations in getting your poem featured in the love/romance newsletter, it truely deserved the exposure.
This poem was so short, yet had alot of interesting philosphu in it. Not a bunch of jumbled up words that include "thee" and "thou." But your way of showing this philosphy was humble, just like Jesus was, which I thought was smart. The whole concept you conveyed of God being like tears that heal us is another way of showing how Jesus's pain on the cross helped us. And all this rolled into 37 words. Well done!!
This poem was catchy, and I thought it was creative how you set your poem in a slant also!! The slant of the poem emphasised the individuality the poem was all about. I also liked the ending;
" I am and always will remain,
A beautiful mess."
These lines to me show that nothing will me able to affect your individuality. The oxymoron "beautiful mess" again, expressed individuality and your beautiful the way that you are. A very complex poem indeed!!
Wow, correct me if I'm wrong but it seems that in this poem you were giving examples to show all the possibilities that you can write about and that basically in the world of writing, anything is possible. I found it amusing reading all the random thoughts and things you wanted to do in your head.
Pleasant little poem. It seems from the poem you had your eyes closed during this moment and the poem illustrates how your other senses intensify when you just simply close you eyes, which is an amazing experience. The enjambment of the sentences in the poem helped give that poem that slow, rocky rhythm which gives the reader an idea of what it was like floating through the water. Nicely done.
Aww!! This is a really cool story for kids!! Lol do they make you tell them a story like EVERY night? My nephew never asks me to tell him stories. A very entertaining story and good entertainment for kids, but I just spotted a few punctuality errors where you just have to change the capitals to small letters;
"Jake’s Daddy (daddy) got "
"Jakes (Jake's) Mom (mom) kept "
"how on Earth (earth) was "
When Jake is addressing his mom directly, you put a capital letter in the mom. But if your talking about the mom in third person narrative, you don't need a capital letter. Overall, a good read!!
This poem is amazing. The poem had a mixed structure but it all tied in with the poem because it shows the diversity of teenagers. Your poem shows teenagers in a not-so-bad light and makes people aware of the stereotypical views adults have on the juvenile generation and I think it is unacceptable behaviour in today's society. Unless people change their views and attitude towards today's youthful citizens then it's just going to be an on-going wheel of older generations making young people out to be juvenile delinquints. Your poem makes people wake up and smell the coffee of this situation. Well done!! Powerful words reflected in this poem.
Aww, your cousin sounds so cute!! I liked your use of alliteration of this poem; it made it very catchy. There was only one spelling mistake I spotted;
"A drip droped (dropped) onto her white dress"
Overall, I think the poem had a good rhythm to it and you didn't over do the alliteration at all. Nicely done!!
Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The poem was really straight forward, basically black and white with no grey in between. I like the short sentences you used in each line; it made the poem quick in pace. The only thing I couldn't understand was the line
"Teeth sink into
My throat."
Did he actually bite you? But overall, a very good piece of poetry and it really hit home with me.
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