This is great again! You are a strong poet! I love the two opening lines. They immediately pull you in. You have a solid grasp of three tools of the writer: art, craft and intellectual creativity. You’re a thoughtful and artistic poet. I’ll be back to your port!
I'm including the GPs for all three poems with this review. I very much enjoyed reading your port! You're a great artist to learn from. :)
My first impression is "Wow!" This is so intimate. You are a true artist...the way you've expressed yourself...the words you use, the images...
Your images are so colorful (literally, too) and really paint the mood...and still leave you wondering what it is exactly that you mean...like carcasses you haven't been given and cinnamon nipples.
So this is your first poem about Bogdan?
I see rain as tears.
I love your line breaks.
This is a very sad, moody poem, Adriana...I wonder if it was hard to write.
It's amazing--really. I learn so much from reading your work! I'll be back to study this further.
Oh--grammar...I thought everything seemed fine. I don't think there's anything you just can't see...
I like the lack of puncuation and capital letters--especially the "i"s.
I'm re-reading it over and I just can't get over-- despite how sad it is--how beautiful it is. Sophisticated. You are an amazing poet.
This one feels very close to me.
Ultimately, though...I wish it weren't true--especially the conclusion. Is your love withering??
This is perfect. One of my favorite poems I've read by anyone! I can't believe how you've found such an elegant way to express these feelings.
I took this to be a soldier talking, amid war. I can completely see how a soldier might feel these thoughts. It's almost creepy when I picture it in my head. I like bringing out this idea. I think more people need to consider it. I've also thought of writing a poem from a soldier's perspective--as he's about to kill someone for a reason he doesn't even know.
Very interesting approach. I'm pretty sure I got this...but I don't know if the ending was a clear as the rest it...but it could just be me. This was very different and I liked the new experience. It was cool how you fit the rhyme in, although the structure seems to change throughout, and it looks more like a story (which it is) than a poem. Very neat.
I love the technique of having each line sharing a word with the one before it in a chain. Neat. I like the message. It's cool how the thoughts cycle, just like the word pattern.
Cool ending. The reader is into this story right away. Neat, bazaar subject matter- I like it. Good structure and progression of the story. Here are some specific comments:
"No one remembered the old gods and the gods feared with no one to believe in them, they would disappear."
There are some commas missing that would allow for a clearer interpretation of this line. It could be done several ways, but here's how I'd do it: No one remembered the old gods, and they [or "the gods" as you'd written] feared, with no one to believe in them, they would disappear.
"Jack was Kali’s older brother. Their mother was a drunk, living in rehab at the time and their father was dead."
Maybe try to break up these facts so that they're part of dialogue or are told gradually through the scene in a less direct way. I'm no expert, of course, but I always like a story better when I have to gather or collect the info over time to complete the setting, rather than getting all the facts at once.
"It was a half-truth. So it didn’t bother her to lie."
I would turn this into one sentence: It was a half-truth, so it didn't bother her to lie.
"They were all blond, depictions of the sun, of light. Kali knew she was of darkness."
These statements carry neat implications... spooky-ish. However, I'd be careful with all the dark features meaning dark/spooky. I thought everything was cool, but then worried slightly when the journalist character was all dark featured also. I think too much would be cliche. I don't really think you've met that mark, though (of being too much).
"Just at she had sat down and turned on the television the doorbell rang."
Insert a comma after "television".
"How could people be so close yet so far away?"
This adds to the spooky atmosphere. Cool.
"That’s where her dancing started, in her mind."
I'm not completely sure on this, but I think the comma should be a semi-colon.
"She placed sliced pickles on the top of the sandwich, another one of her strange tastes."
A cool personality quirk that adds to the girl's weirdness... althought I'm not sure if I'd keep the second half of the statement.
"She could see his shoulders shaking in silent laughter as he opened the refrigerator."
Cool example of showing the reader, instead of telling.
"Her shoes were there, wear she had placed them last."
"Wear" should be "where".
"Her blood darkened the grass in the grove."
Great detail that adds to the feel.
Overall this was a good read. I think you have a great base of talent that will take you far in your years. You should definately keep honing this talent of yours, being that you're so young and have so many years to get better. I'd be excited if I were you. Write on!
Great approach to this topic! I think it really needs to be said also. I like how you used a Cosmo-type feel to, basically, say the opposite of what Cosmo says. Very creative.
Great depth, truth, and thought. This is really great!
The only thing I would change is just structure-wise, to make it easier to read. I would indent the shorter, second lines, so that they line up with the ones before them. (So the only lines that would start from the left-align mark would be the step numbers and the always'.)
Great! I love the progression of this work. The relationship is introduced, the abuse follows, and then it ends in strength (I love it when it ends in strength). I like your use of repetition with the "Remember?" line.
I especially liked these lines:
the night the stars fell from the sky.
At the same time you were kissing me,
and:
I watched, as right in front of me,
the warmest eyes turned cool.
and:
I went searching for the answers,
and I found myself instead.
Really beautiful work. To be honest, my eyes welled up when I'd reached the last line. I LOVE THE STRENGTH!
This was very passionate, very emotional. I felt the pain and the anger and the blame. I don't know that it would improve it, but you could experiment with seeing how it would sound tightened; less prose. I liked the stream of consciousness after things went wrong. It worked well for the subject matter. I like that we were taken on the ride of the marriage- the begining and when it went sour.
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