I loved this. It reminded me of my own corner window in the city I live in. You are not alone when it comes to people yearning for an easier, friendlier life. Sometimes, all it takes is to be the first to say hi.
So much for GiGi staying close. LOL! Well, Steph did talk her into exploring. Let us hope she follows or gets her parents so they can help in case GiGi finds trouble. Stay tuned for the next episode.
Simple, true and to the point. Children say it as they see it and they often see things we adults have grown up being told we are just imagining things. We learn to ignore what we saw as children and lose sight of it. However, if we learn to see through the eyes of a child we may catch a glimpse of what they see.
I thoroughly enjoyed this first chapter of your novel. The story flowed nicely and the detail was quite vivid, I could picture every scene. You are off to a great start.
The only advice I would give is to space out the lines so they are easier on the eyes of the casual reader.
This was an interesting poem, one that sent chills down my spine. I found myself lost in the words, wondering where it was going or how it was going to end. As I reached the middle of this piece, I began to wonder if this was a collection of short poems along the same lines as there were names at the end of a few of the passages. Then, as I reached the end, I wondered if I was wrong. I was left lost and uncertain as if a spell had been cast upon me by the ghost of a magician... Well written and beautifully put together.
I saw this in a Question of the Day prompt and decided to read it. This is hilariously brilliant! How easily people panic and jump to crazy conclusions! The ending threw me into a laughing fit, I did not expect dust bunnies and sock monsters to be the culprits! Well Done!
I read all of the short stories in your portfolio, this being the latest thus far. I find it interesting but it is lacking in a few ways you may wish to consider working into the story.
1. There is no description of the narrator, the one telling the story. This makes it hard for the reader to connect with her as the story progresses. Also, there is no descriptions of the monsters mentioned in the story. We learn the narrator's name at the end. You have a fairly good description of the sword, Iris however.
2. There is no detail in the fight that led to opening the first door or what the narrator is trying to achieve. This will leave the reader scratching his head, wondering what is going on.
3. Finally, there is length. You could have easily placed all of these into one static item as a single chapter. By placing them into such small pieces, you run out of space fast. Do not be afraid to make longer chapters.
Everything else is spot on. Spelling is perfect as well as grammar. I hope this helps you as you move forward with your story.
This is a short but very deep poem about love and a brief glimpse of its many truths. Indeed we do not need hate to feel love nor do we need anything for love to blossom; it just happens. To the casual observer, love is mysterious and complicated but to those who find love with each other, it is simple and clear as day though they cannot explain it. Love is nothing you learn, it is something you feel and those who find love truly find their eyes open in the darkness. Well Done.
This was a sad but well written story; one my mother can easily relate to in many ways. She lost her husband on April 8th 2013; it was a blow to all of us. Just a few short moths ago, my older brother went into emergency surgery for a tumor wrapped around his optic nerve. Fortunately, he survived but the thought that we could have lost him still haunts my mother. It haunts us all in a way. She often speaks of how she and dad would do many things together and how she misses having him near or having all the children home. No one can stop time or make time turn back. All we can do is hold our memories close to our hearts and keep moving forward.
I believe this short piece will touch many hearts and remind us all that we are not alone in our grief.
This was a very informative piece on Black Bears. However, there are key pieces of information that the author left out that are crucial to the well being and success of those who hunt this beautiful and powerful animal.
1. Black bears can run up to 60 kilometers per hour in the open.
2. Although black bears rarely hunt humans, they have been reported to do so. Always remain alert when hunting them.
3. Black bears can smell your cologne or deodorant from over a hundred yards away. Smelling pretty just makes you stand out.
4. Certain types of bear traps are illegal in certain states. Check the state's law to know which traps to buy.
5. Not just any weapon will kill a black bear. Ensure you have the proper caliber before setting out.
All in all, this was very true but, as always, extra caution is recommended when hunting any large game.
This poem touched my heart is too many ways to list in a single review. Change does indeed come like summer storm. Once it hits, you will see yourself in a different way for better or worse. The words of this poem ring true; change can shake your very soul as it did mine. I was never the same when my father's time came. It changed my whole world as it did for all those who knew and loved him. Thank you for sharing this poem. It is a fine reminder that we are not alone in an ever changing world.
This was a very short but to the point narrative of how the author gained inspiration to end her writer's block. I would only suggest one piece of advice of which many people find to be very true as they get older in life.
Small, seemingly insignificant things can spark something big; inspiring us to write, sing, draw, or paint. A picture or a song can bring back volumes of memories. Witnessing a child at play can bring back the happiness of your old childhood.
Something as small as a child's cry from a distance brought inspiration for this author's story. The point of this is simple. Event the smallest of things can spark something big.
This was a fair example of how to create a character. However, there are a few key factors you have forgotten.
1. Time and location is very important in creating a character. Every nation and every era had its own unique style of dress and mind set. Also, the roles men, women, and children have evolved through these different eras and locations.
2. When describing a character, it is important not to simply ramble off what he/she looks like. Subtlety is the key here. For example: Maria pushed a lock of her long forest brown hair aside, revealing her emerald green eyes as she glanced down at the small lad. Her tall and muscular frame only added to her beauty; the white dress she wore accented her curves very well.
3. It is important to note that all characters evolve as the story unfolds. Certain events can change a character in subtle or even drastic ways. No personality is set in stone; people can and will change based upon their experiences in life. For example: A reckless person can become more cautions after realizing he or she caused a major accident due to their reckless behavior.
4. A person's profession will also dictate the type of people he or she will do business with. For example: A character working in a dress shop will rarely see a man walking in wanting to buy a dress. On the same note, you want to show, not tell how a person relates to friends and foes alike though their actions and dialog. Just saying one does not like the other is not enough to convince a reader.
5. In regards to everything needing to connect, I find it very important that by making the connections subtle rather than obvious will make the story more interesting to the reader. They will guess one thing and find it leads elsewhere as the story slowly unfolds. For example: In my first novel, I had the character holding a picture of his parents and found a couple who almost perfectly matched the photo only they were not his mother and father... they were his aunt and uncle.
Now for the spelling and grammar:
1. Third line: I usually have my plot is mind after doing my mind mapping and research. (That should be: in mind)
2. Fourth line: I want my character names to fit the character every so subtlly. (That should be: ever so subtly)
The rest is perfect. I hope this review was helpful.
This was an interesting and entertaining short story of a dying citizen launching a rather comical attack upon the man he blamed most if not all of his troubles on. The fact this attack was not aimed to end a life but to add humility to it I found rather refreshing. I can just imagine what the next morning's headlines would read let alone the Twitter comments from those who were watching at home.
This was a good introduction to ATVs for those wanting to hunt or explore the wilderness of Canada. I note a few things you may wish to add and or change.
First Paragraph:
1. In the first sentence, I suggest you state: When riding out in the woods, it is wise to equip yourself with proper transportation to handle the various types of terrain.
2. I suggest you state: You small economy car might not be enough. It is better for you and your vehicle to rent or purchase an ATV.
Utility ATVs:
In regards to Utility ATVs, it is important to note that there are several makes and models. One should discuss their travel plans with the retailer so he or she can help them find the right fit for them.
Sport ATVs:
In regards to Sport ATVs it is very important to note that while they are faster and more maneuverable, most have less pulling power and carrying capacity than the Utility ATVs. One should speak to a retailer to find one that best fits their needs.
Side by Side ATVs:
Like the Utility ATVs, they come in various makes and models, a retailer will be able to help a consumer find the right pick for them.
Children's ATVs:
I cannot stress this enough when I state that it is most important to note here that parental supervision is crucial when using these ATVs. TYhis is especially true if it is the first time a child is using one of these vehicles. They have little power so they can get stuck easily. Also, although they are not fast, a child can get him or herself lost quickly on the trails if not carefully watched by a parent or guardian.
I hope this review helps you in your goal to protect the environment and the integrity of the Canadian wilderness trails.
This is a fine introduction to a conservative fishing and hunting group. I offer a few pieces of advice that might help the group.
1. I suggest you set a second rule that states any and all information a person offers is correct to the best of his or her knowledge. The last thing anyone needs is inaccurate news or information.
2. It might be wise to remind hunters and fishermen, especially those new to Canada, the need to take measures to handle any emergencies such as a fall or a moose encounter. I say this because my uncle was in Canada several years ago. He startled a moose and it wrecked his car with a single charge and blow of its massive antlers.
3. One punctuation correction is needed. You stated, "Does this sound like ultimate beginning to a hunt." You need a question mark here instead of a period.
4. I humbly suggest you change 'ultimate' in the above mentioned sentence to 'picture perfect'. In my opinion, it sells the group more profoundly in a more subtle way.
The rest is perfect as it stands, in my opinion. Well Done!
This short piece speaks to a lot of people as they feel the same way when life comes at them hard. Everyone knows that they are expected to be strong, to be that shoulder to cry on when someone can not hold their tears. Only who will offer their shoulder in return? Many people ask this question, including myself. I lost my father on April 8th 2013; I felt I had to be strong for my family, to be the shoulder to cry on while I cried alone and tried to put on a brave face when near my relatives. I too needed that shoulder to cry on but felt I could not ask as I was the one others came to for that purpose. You are not alone.
This was a powerful short story. A young man an elderly man shuffle by and remembers the one talk he had with him about his life. Each generation does not know and some do not appreciate what the generation before had to deal with. By sharing one's story, they open the eyes of others and really makes them think about their lives. When I was a child, there was television but no personal computers, no iPhones, no internet. Children today can't imagine a world where those did not exist and I sometimes fail to see a world without television or even radio. We can learn a lot from our parents and grand parents if we just take the time to really listen.
I really loved this piece as my father too lead a rough life with much sorrow. He too was a fighter and a survivor.
This was a fine short poem. It gave the feeling of finding that one quiet place away from everything. I loved the first set of lines. I have a few humble suggestions for the second set.
1. In the first two lines, you may wish to try this:
Mained clouds and fluorescent stars blend into the water bold.
Light drips through the web of branches, seeping like melted gold.
2. The third and fourth line, I humbly suggest you make one line.
Again, this was a fine poem. I truly enjoyed it. I hope this review helps and encourages you to write more.
This was an interesting start to what promises to be an intriguing story of mystery and horror. I do have a few pieces of advice which may help you further grasp the reader's attention.
1. I suggest you be more vague with how Carter obtained the four girls in the prologue and allow flashbacks throughout the story tell the full tale of how they became his powerful little group. For example...
In the third paragraph, you spoke of how Carter obtained Alyssia. I humbly suggest that instead of going into detail, you merely state that he was forced to make Alyssia and her older sister orphans that night as their parents were less than cooperative.
2. Also, in the third paragraph, you may wish to give a reason why he spared Ayssia's elder sister who could be a key witness for the police to build a case against him. I suggest this: He spared the elder sister as she showed promise to be useful at a later time. He had someone else acquire her to be held until a time of his choosing: This would close any plot holes that would raise questions later.
3. In the fourth paragraph, you stated that Adria's parents practically threw her out with a suitcase of money. I humbly suggest you change that so he arrives just as she is being thrown out with the money and he offers to take her in. She accepts, sobbing at the fact her parents abandoned her.
4. In the eighth paragraph, you stated that Adria reacted the most negatively against the fusing of a demon's soul while Julia was easier with an angel's soul. You might wish to add, :In retrospect, it might have been more productive to have given Adria the angel's soul instead. Too late now...:
5. In the first to the last paragraph, you stated that Carter was blackmailing Alyssia's older sister since he murdered their parents. This will raise questions such as what does he have over her and why would she care as he killed her parents? I humbly suggest you state that he had been using the well being of Alyssia's elder sister as a tool to keep her loyal. For example: She does well, her older sister is treated well.
Overall, this was a fine prologue. I found no spelling or grammar mistakes and it flowed nicely. I hope my suggestions help make your story even more intriguing.
This was a very cute story of a bored little girl looking for something new and exciting to do. Although she had to create a situation where something went missing, she felt happy to have solved her first case. Her fee of one or more cookies was a nice touch. This short story has a lot of potential as the girl might find herself facing a real case of a missing object or pet where she has to do some real detective work. I found this to be a great story for young children as well as young teenagers who I believe would find the story reminiscent of their own childhood fantasies. I would love to see this story go further and, perhaps, become a children's series.
This introduction to your novel has me intrigued. It is truly difficult to move on from the loss of a loved one, especially a mother figure for a young woman. I am still struggling to move on after the loss of my father four years ago today. Many of those who are grieving a loss have a difficult time understanding that they are not the only ones hurting and grieving inside. This novel would truly pull at the heartstrings of those who know the sting of losing a loved one and the struggle of continuing on with their lives.
I saw this story on the WDC homepage with a request for direction ideas. This is a good start to a good story. Do not lose heart as many great novels start off slow; jumping right into the action is not always the best direction to take. I have a few pieces of advice you may find helpful...
1. have a space between lines of dialog and paragraphs of narrative. This makes the story easier to read. I learned from experience that most editors and publishers alike will not look at a manuscript with the lines all bunched together.
2. When Katie first introduced herself, she seemed shy and unwilling to be noticed. When Nate introduced himself to her in the second class, she opened up dramatically. This is a very sudden mood and character change that will leave the reader confused. It may serve your story better if you have Katie stay in character and slowly open up further down the line.
3. You mentioned a girl named Mckayla who Nate had dated in the past but went no further. A little more detail may give the reader a better picture.
4. When Katie introduced Nate to her friend from church, Thomas, he inquired who Nate was but said nothing else. Some more dialog here may serve the story well.
I hope this helps you find the direction you are looking for in this story.
This was a very good start to what promises to be a very suspenseful novel. It is also an interesting twist to a monster vs man story where man is actually the monster and the 'creature' is the victim/hero of the story. The narrative and dialog flow very nicely and the details give the reader a clear view of the action. In all, this was nicely written. Well Done!
The only mistake I have found was in the second short paragraph of the story. (He slid to a stopped) This should be 'He slid to a stop'
I found no other mistakes so, again, well done!
The only piece of advice I would give at this point is to take your time; do not rush the story. I made that mistake and I ended up having to rewrite the entire novel.
In closing, I truly believe this story has the potential to be great! I look forward to reading more!
This was a fine poem expressing ones need for companionship. In this poem, the need for a loved one is held back by a shy nature. Alcohol provides a false companionship to fill the void but only leads to light or little sleep. Others try to convince him he has nothing to fear, to strike out and find a nice girl. Only his shy nature and anxiety holds him back.
If this poem is about the author, I can assure you that there are many who can relate. Your poem will touch many hearts. Well Done1
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Spelling is perfect as well as grammar. I hope this helps you as you move forward with your story.