I feel bogged down in so many details that are not advancing the story line. I like things that move along at a faster pace, especially at the start.
Lay forth your premise, as quick and concisely as possible. If I get to the end of the first paragraph and I don't know where I'm going to be taken, I want out of the car! Remember that your readers are only the passengers but the writer is the driver who's trying to convince everyone to get in and stay seated until they've arrived at YOUR destination; where ever that might be. So to the reader, it makes sense to find out before getting in.
Use a hook at first like some philosophical overview.
I try to do it like "Rod Serling did starting "The Twilight Zone" shows, also "Alfred Hitchcock" did this, watch those guys. Also, don't go crazy with details, the STORY is more important than the incessant needs of it's writer to obsess, and the MESSAGE is more important than the story! We don't need to know every thought, every detail of every step along the way to ??? Get to the point!
Also, remember that thousands and thousands of "Detective," stories have been written, told, shown, read etc... So it's hard for your characters NOT to look cliche' and worn out before you even get started. Ask your self : "What kind of detective-cop have I NOT seen before?" I don't want you to think that I'm all down on you here but there's some chop chop work needed and more focus on the ending from the start; every thing else will fall into place for you. Hope to have been somewhat helpful to you.
G-d Bless, Scowel
It may seem strange, but I like to read the poem before I read the writer's info or name and form my opinions about the poet; as a first impression, kind of, sets the stage for the "Writer vs the Written Work" comparative scenario. Also, I like to try to guess whether the writer is "Male or Female," based on the sentiments and their categorical values of direction. I'm often wrong! but, I think men and women think and relate to their circumstances differently: from different vantage perspectives. On this particular poem (and poetry is most, and of all things: subjective, as are, it's interpretations) I'm seen of many "ing" verbs. I'm also looked for, of some "Instruction," I don't know why, but I guess it might be just a fellow writer's competitive curiosity, and, that you've pricked my interests somehow.
(Always looking to steal a good idea here and there!) Seems you have some good qualities and convey your ideas well. Everyone wants to know the mind of an "Artisan" and what goes on inside their heads of that innate kind of Whoosh that vanishes as quickly as it comes. So you've depicted it, but you kept the keys to yourself. "Our secret is still safe." I enjoyed you stuff !!!
G-d Bless, Scowel
Dear Naraxes, wonderful rendition of a cross-paradigm encounter here, and a coming to the knowledge--self awareness--through revelation. I had to read this thing a couple of times and do some research to glean it's significant entirety. (as the American "educational" system falls further into the abyss.) Azrael: appears in far too many comic and anime versions for my tastes; but you've redeemed the anthropomorphism and treated it correctly without the typical blasphemous moronic stereotypes, like the other comic book guys. "Now where the hell are we going, anyway?" = Excellent ending zinger. I would have liked to see a more specific reference to Elliot's characteristics of being a physical hermaphrodite. It's important to establish her/his legitimacy as the true child of an angelic being. Also, some mention of Elliot's mother's "deal making" would be relevant with the overall context. According to their etymology: the ancient names, titles, offices, relevant workings and ending consequences result of these natures and entities are all the same thing. and allows those who knows the hidden realities surrounding the specific entity, to forecast the ending from the beginning. Your, kind of, following "Calvin's" theological platform here as your context presents the story line and ultimate conclusion. This type teaching is also present today among the "Christian Identity" movements, but that gets into "Arianism,VS Esau's linage" somewhat and, Just weirdness, I think. Anyways Good reading, and good grammar. You could look for unnecessary words and shorten it up a bit, but that's just a personal thing (laziness actually!) I enjoyed it and will look for more of your work in the future!
Very good conception and rendering of an original idea from an (what is of 'lately') over used and unfortunately worn out circumstance and plot theme.
It seems like every movie and new TV series, and new book with all it's promotional displays are only Were-wolfs and Vampires, all the time! Which is somewhat tolerable in your piece because you've got an (different kind of) angle. Congratulations!
Now then, POETRY if anything is completely subjective, and that means that there's no right or wrong way to do it! And, it's just a matter of personal tastes, I know, but the most successful artisans have to be able to touch their audience in some substantially emotional manor, which means : Digging into the spiritual realms and dragging things of sublimity like "love, hate, envy, courage etc..." back from that reality, and delivering them to hungry people in this reality. Fortunately, there are some tricks we can use.
Here's what I would try, and since we're dealing with things "Spiritual," brake up the uniformity somewhat, maybe start off with quatrains then gradually veer away from them, and maybe pick them back up again; lose the rhythmic redundancy for a while, that way the reader wont get bored and will encounter something unexpected. Keep your reader (at a disadvantage) excited! Do things they don't expect.
You don't want to become so predictable that the reader feels like their finished when they're only half way through. This thing dose have some good qualities and lots of potential to be better, in many ways! Enjoyed the read!
G-d Bless !!!
Dear Sirs: Thanks for the "Gift Points," I hope to be of some benefit and encouragement to others where I can. There are some good writers here!
I enjoy young people, their ideas, and their, often humorous, methods of self expression. I'm almost ready to post a longer thing; but, cobbling everything together in a coherent fashion is really tough stuff.
It seems you have an interesting concept (revenge) but you've presented your reader with a dilemma, as to, the source of this "Retribution;" whether, it's an actual person, or some weird vestigial force, or if this sequence of events is result of some kind of providential justice administered by G-d, maybe? I just don't know, also, exactly what did he (the new victim) do to deserve all these bad things; or dose he, in fact, deserve them at all? We know what's going on but, we just don't quite know why. Like I said you have a good and interesting concept, but we need a more complete picture concerning : "Crime and Punishment!" Enjoyable read--needs more work though. (A Moral) perhaps? Lastly, I always like to see such new and experimental forms of ARTISTIC expression.I don't like the "STAR" rating system, I think it's disrespectful, so I'm giving everyone a "5" and I'll take the time to explain, to you, what I think about your work and why.
I do not know who's, one size fits all, "Rating system" it is, that, I've had the misfortune of having fallen incidental VICTIM; and, to what seems to me, a bit closer to a : "Drive-by shooting" as also it's done anonymously, of course and with out any explanation as to what specific criteria
has been assessed in this intellectually dishonest and cowardly "Rating System"--"IN A BOX" PLEASE! If you can't give some reasonable account of your judgmental activities, then just pass by my work with your opinions to yourself, and don't jaundice my efforts (to others) with in your preconceived limitations: but, rather than appear inadequate, and lazy, Just say : "I don't understand!" That might be, to me--the writer, some useful and constructive information.
Can someone help me, I entered about 2 sentences of a short-story by mistake : I'm new!
Some people about 13 I think looked at the 2 sentences and gave me a 3 star rating.
Later I re-posted the entire story with a new name and deleted the 2 sentence thing.
But, the three star rating--I think--was transferred to the new post. Can I go back to a blank start on the star thingy as, I think that it negatively affects any potential readers.
Thank you. #1930472:But Did He?
I see what was your intention here, and you've done an excellent job until you get to the all important twist-ending, and between the ( impact of the automobile?) or the ( enrapturing snatch away by the father? vampire? devil? hallucination?) I'm left with too many questions, as to the final state of the girl's being. I can't tell if there's a moral here; But, it kind-of looks as if that might be what's implied. Work on some clarification, and what happened to the car?
Is she now dead, undead or just somewhere in limbo : that's where I wound up!
You have some good abilities, but from the "headlights" forward try reworking the sequences of drastically changing events. We still don't know what actually happened to the poor girl.
Sorry : It was NOT my intent to send any "Gift Points," to myself !
I'd hoped to correct a stupid mistake that I made while commenting on someone's poem.
Look for implied redundancies at the beginning when your setting the scene and plot.
Try not to to tell the reader what's already obvious from the preceding text, Example below. I don't like to read: anything! So, naturally I dislike UN-necessary words and statements!!! A good and original plot though, and a good twist. The story improves as it advances to dialogue the plot speeds up! Good, and believable dialogue is usually good reading! EXAMPLE paragraph: (Take or Leave!) as you wish.
Stephen didn't know much about the "Paris Catacombs," only snippets, from his "First day" audio tour; but, On a crowded bus, these headphones said: "An entire network, of mines and galleries exists, beneath these very streets!" And while select areas were popular attractions, most of the mines and rooms were off limits...
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