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Review of The Little Voice  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a cute and funny concept for a children's story. I've seen the invisible friend theme done almost to death, but having an actual pixie that lives in a child's ear is definitely a new take on it.

I loved the quirkiness of Bilbo. His coloured-pencil diet and the way you described his mischievous personality was great. I also thought the way you approximated the inside of a child's ear to a cave-like warren, was great. Just the sort of thing to capture a chid's imagination.

The linguistics were a little laborious at times. I've noted a few examples:

It was always a great exhilaration to get the innocent child to listen and obey what he told her.

Firstly, I'm not sure this is the right place to use 'exhilaration'. Usually, somebody 'does something with exhilaration' or 'gets a feeling of exhilaration'. I think 'thrill' would fit better into the sentence.

Secondly, 'to listen and obey what he told her'. Again, it just doesn't seem to fit together. 'obey his orders/suggestions', perhaps? 'do what he said'?

Bilbo thought to himself as he eyed off the freshly shaven pencils.

I've never heard the phrase 'eyed off'. I think you were looking for: "as he eyed the freshly shaven pencils."

An energetic 8-year-old she was always up to trouble


Again 'up to trouble' is mixing up well-known phrases. 'up to some mischief or other' would work, as would 'always in trouble' or 'always landing in trouble'.

Now what other mischief could he do?

Not mad-keen on 'do' at the end. 'suggest'? 'achieve'? 'dream up'?

Other than that, there were just a few grammar technicalities:

Inside all children there is a little voice that tells them what to do, most of the time it is not the right thing though.

New sentence instead of the comma, I'd suggest. Unless you want to switch it around to something like:

Inside all children there is a little voice that tells them what to do, although most of the time, it is not the right thing.

These small voices that tells you the difference between right and wrong might actually be Bilbo playing a trick, for what a little trickster he is, this little mischief elf.

Again, it would read better split into two sentences. "..Bilbo playing a trick. What a little trickster he is..."

With perfect precision he aimed towards the girls ear. The dark canals of the ear were a pleasing sight.

Nothing much here. Just a repetition of ear in two consecutive sentences. I'd suggest either:

Those dark aural canals were a pleasing sight or simply Those dark canals were a pleasing sight.

In summary, pleasing theme, original plot, a storyline anyone can relate to and quirky characters. Nice story!
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Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting excerpt. I must say, I'd prefer to read a full chapter, rather than a couple of paragraphs, in general. Don't be afraid of putting full length sections of story up in your portfolio, it won't put people off.

I liked the mood that you set here. A paragraph for the scenery and a paragraph for (presumably) the main character seems a good way of getting the reader straight into the story. Satyan seems immediately interesting enough to hold our attention; a contradiction between the way he looks on the outside and the impression he gives from the inside. I like that.

Your language is varied and descriptive - a little too descriptive, if anything. It leads to long sentences that drown the reader in imagery. Short sentences with single ideas are great for holding a reader's attention. You need more of them, but that's no bad thing.

Also, you have a habit of repeating yourself quite a bit. For example:

The omnipresent coconut trees all around gave a spectacular scenic beauty to the setting that was totally lost on the children. They never noticed the God-like beauty spread around them.

You've already noted that the scenery was lost on the children. It seems redundant to also mention that they didn't notice the beauty around them. Also, if the coconut trees are omnipresent, you needn't mention that they're all around. The two phrases mean the same thing.

I would separate each theme into a separate sentence. As an example:

The omnipresent coconut trees gave a spectacular scenic beauty to the setting. It was totally wasted on the children who, having grown up surrounded by this God-like beauty, felt no particular wonder at it.

You also repeat your themes a bit in the last paragraph. For example, "the confidence that pervaded every part of Satyan’s personality was inborn...he had a following that was unexplainable." and "He had an aura about him, a fearlessness, a halo that made him a leader without comparison". Dangerously close to the same meaning. I'll leave you to sort that one out *Smile*

I'd change the first sentence too. It doesn't give us a mental picture, because there's too much information crammed into too small a space. Instead of:

The foursome walked along the mudroad leading from the river to the paved road which led towards home.

I would alter it to something more like:

The foursome walked along the mudroad, making their way toward the paved walkway. Behind them lay the river, ahead of them was the path home.

Good start, but there's very little to comment on (although I do seem to have rambled on, somewhat). I'll be happy to check over full chapters in future. In the meantime, keep writing.




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Review of Kendel's Quest  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*grins* Well, since I was almost guilty of failing to plagiarise this story, I just had to go and read it. *Wink*

Only halfway through as yet, but you've already given me some great laughs. The introduction of the wizard was wonderful in its unconventionality, as was the dwarf's hatred of all things questy. As for the Evergreen Mountain... I loved the cleverness of that idea. Having an automatic-quest-endpoint makes an absurd kind of sense, when you think about it (although do too much thinking about it and you'll probably go crazy!).

I felt the pacing suffered ever so slightly in the part of the story between the setting-out of the quest and the meeting of Catamar. It was probably a product of writing for the competition, but the drinking contest and the dwarf's side-quest, followed by the elf's... it felt like you were going through the motions a little; narrating the tale as quickly as possible, instead of getting us involved. I can see that your aim was basically to take a paragraph to outline each of the quest's problems, but it felt neither one thing or the other. Too long to be a list, too short to be a section of the story.

I don't know if there's anything you can do about that one - or even if you should - but that was my impression on reading it.

Another minor point. I readily admit, I may be worse than most on this matter, but I find it horrendous to try and keep track of a multi-character story, when two or more of those characters have very similar names. In the first section, you have Drowin and Darrow, and on the quest, you have Kendal and Kallakin. In a story this length, and with characters as well developed as you've managed, it becomes much easier to follow. Still, I'd recommend, if you can, changing at least one of the 'K' names to something less similar.

Last one. You've used non WDC formatting for your italics. So whilst this phrase will work in the review phase (or at least it does when I preview it), in your port, you actually get to see the < i > instead:

<i>“By every god in every pantheon,”</i> Kendel screamed furiously, <i>“why does it always come back to that f***ing dragon?”</i>

Needs the curly brackets to fix it, I think.

In summary, great characters, good plot, excellent grammar and spelling and a huge dollop of craziness. Inspired competition entry *Bigsmile*
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Review of Fabulous Angel  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Izzie,

I enjoyed this story. It was a nice take on the 'answered prayer' theme, with plenty of emotion thrown in and a great happy ending to top it all off.

Nice characterisation of the desperate mother, although I'd have to say that, in this case, less is more. For example, in the first paragraph:

“Oh God in Heaven!” Crestfallen and heavily burdened by the tragic circumstances of her family’s financial woes, Sheryl begins to pour out her heart to a God she barely knows. “If you have any compassion in your heart, I'm begging you to please intervene on my poor little babies’ behalf.” Trembling with the overwhelming emotions that are invading her spirit and a heavy flood of tears, she continues her pleadings.

You describe the despair twice, in fairly similar ways. Ironically, this lessens the impact of the emotions she's going through. I'd advise taking physical characteristics (tears, trembling hands, choked voice), surroundings (perhaps bare rooms, where the furniture has been taken away, peeling wallpaper, even gloomy skies) and the dialogue itself, to let us know how she feels. Don't dump the descriptions completely, just cut down a little.

The pacing of the plot was good. You gave enough space to the dilemma before bringing in the solution, and the 'last meal' and 'hungry children' was a great practical example of the desperation.

I found the tenses to be a bit flighty. Sometimes you were in present, sometimes in past, and it didn't seem to flow logically from one to the other. For example, two paragraphs, next to each other:

Stubborn in her resolve to do something, though seemingly preposterous, she refused to get off her knees. Her crying and praying went on unabated.
AND
Sheryl’s cries have worn her out, and her knees are burning under her weight, but she refuses to give up. Her love for her children supercedes her discomforts.

The first is past, the second present. It's a little confusing to read as is.

Generally, your use of language is good. There was only one example I spotted that was a little lacking, for me:

I was in Edmonton this afternoon, just walking around and window shopping, when I had this overwhelming feeling to come and see you guys.

I thought 'feeling' was a bit underwhelming. How about 'urge' or 'instinct'? Just a suggestion.

In conclusion, although not religious myself, I enjoyed the uplifting message of this story and hope to read more of your work soon *Smile*




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Review of Do Not Enter  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful poem. I'm very choosy about what sort of poetry I read, but this had darkness and mystery and despair - I was hooked *Smile*

I love the sense of loneliness captured within this. You used your words, not to explain, but to inspire the emotional response. I think that's the essence of the best poetry I've ever read. It doesn't have to make sense, it has to fill a psychological hole.

As far as technique was concerned, I'm no expert, but the metre seemed near perfect to me. The only place I felt it could have done with a little more work was the rhyme between lines 2 and 4. 'Claws' and 'walls' is an imperfect rhyme, just diminishing the otherwise perfect symmetry of the poem. However, I liked that imagery so much that I'll forgive you *Wink*

Keep up the great work. I loved it.



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Review of The Souless Ones  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed reading this. It seemed a very original storyline and it was great for raising questions which (I presume) will be answered in future chapters.

I loved the way boredom with the job gave way to real danger, and finally a fatality. It was a great way of introducing some of the information about the scenario you set, and a great way of showing that the status quo is changing, for some reason. Nice plot device there *Smile*

The characters were fairly well developed between themselves, although I think we'd have to see some background before I could tell you more about whether you have truly 3-D people in your story or not. This isn't a criticism, just saying that the first chapter of a novel is often only a teaser, leading to the real meat of the story later on. You've intrigued me enough to want to continue, and that means you've done your job.

Where I thought the chapter fell down was in stylistics. You have a lot of over-long sentences, such as:

Waiting, hoping that the bastard standing in front of him would run, Zack stood still with his black trench coat making the only sound as it flapped back and forth against his leg with each gust of wind.

I think a lot of these should be shortened, to make them easier for the reader to take in. For example, "...Zack stood still. His black trench coat alone broke the silence as it flapped..."

There are a lot of really kooky puncuation marks that serve to confuse. Eg:

“Ready?” he asked. Reaching behind his head pulling out his sword as they replied yes

Holding the sword in his right hand above his head he looked up, letting out a howl he released the adrenaline he had been holding back. As th power rushed through his body, filling each and every cell. The air around him charged with electricity, growing stronger with each second.

In the first example, you need a comma between 'asked' and 'reaching'. I'd also suggest tightening it up to "...he asked, reaching and pulling the sword from his back-scabbard, as they replied yes."

"As the power rushed through his body, filling each and every cell" isn't a complete sentence, because it needs something to happen after the power rush. Either use "...body, it filled each and every cell." or "...each and every cell, the air around him charged with electricity. It grew stronger..."

Other than that, I found a few minor points:

“Run you bastard” he thought wanting it, almost to the point of begging him to run.

Repetition of 'run' makes the sentence sound clumsy. How about:"Run you bastard" he thought, hoping - almost begging - that his quarry would attempt it"

He looked first to his scribe, as the power Zack released filled him, then spread out to empower his witch, forming the Trinity as they now shared his powers. The rush of power

Same thing, but with 'power' this time. Try 'force' 'energy' 'magic' 'aura' 'mana'... anything but constant repetition *Smile*

Looking over his shoulder at his scribe, “see if there is more names to be added to his crimes.

'Names' is plural, therefore you're looking as 'are', not 'is' to accompany it.

Zack watched as his witch kneeled down

'kneeled' = 'knelt'

Waiting for the last body movement he stared at a knife it lifted.

I have no idea what you're trying for here. "as it lifted", perhaps? Or, "...he stared at the knife. It lifted"? I think it needs looking at, in any case.

Decent start, but work on the grammar a little more. Try reading it out loud before you post, you'd be surprised how many mistakes and oversights that can correct. Hope to read more of your work soon *Cool*




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Review of Caboose Run  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this story. It was simply told, but dramatic. And it had a happy ending, which I always appreciate *Smile*

The main characters were appealing. The older sister, trying to look out for her brother, taking risk and responsibility for the two of them and almost getting it wrong. I also like the fact that the dialogue between them was realistic and not over-soppy. You managed a good atmosphere there.

The description of the caboose-run was great. I have no experience of this sort of journey (we don't have anything like that on the British Rail system), but I could still imagine and picture exactly what you were talking about.

The plot, I thought was the weakest aspect of the tale. If children have been stolen from an otherwise fit mother, why would the foster-parents know where the mother was? The authorities, it seems, would have sorted that out without the need for the children to run home. I just found the pondering of that aspect of the story to be a little offputting in an otherwise great tale. If I were to offer a suggestion, I'd say to make it more believable by having the main character find some old stuff belonging to their dad, in storage somewhere. In there could be a letter from the old address, or something like that? Anyway, it's something to think about.

Nitpicks. Just a couple:

A punishing cold grips the very core of ten year-old Mary’s small frail body.

Great descriptions but just a few too many of them. It makes the sentence over-fussy. I'd suggest: "A punishing cold grips the very core of Mary's body. Ten years old she may be, yet she is small and frail for her age, making the bite of the wind all the more cutting." Spread it out a bit, give the information one chunk at a time, rather than force-feeding it to the reader *Smile*

Hans, don’t you know what’s going to happen when everyone gets drunk.

A question needs a question-mark.

Other than that, a great little story. I thoroughly enjoyed it *Bigsmile*






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Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a magical little fairy-tale. It reminded me of a cross between Richard Adams and Roald Dahl, both of which authors I admire a lot.

I loved your use of description, but I do think your initial evaluation was right. It was all lovely, but it flooded the story and slowed down the pace too much. If I was going to advise you on the cutting-down of it, I'd say keep the parts that add to the story. The badger's sett gave a mystical air to the tale and prepared us for the magic to come. The place where the creature saw the child pick up the present, you should keep because it's an important part of the plot. Obviously leave the ball itself in as a description, it's a fundamental part of the story. I'm sure when you look through it yourself, you'll see the parts that are just fluff and the parts that add to the action.

The tale itself was delightful, but I found the pacing to be a bit of a problem. The fairy-tale whimsy was done in exquisite detail, yet I found the destruction of the forest and the description of the greedy, nasty parts of the story to be very rushed. Almost as if you didn't want to dwell on the baser side of the story. I think, as an author, you need to rub our noses in the plot tension a little more, if you want to motivate us to reading through to the end.

I only noticed a couple of language errors, as follows:

In the darkness of an old badger’s sett, surrounded by ancient oak trees who had watched him for centuries, lived a small creature.

I don't know if you've done this on purpose, but you've given the oak trees an identity in this sentence. It could be a fairy-tale stylism, but most authors would use "...ancient oak trees that had...". Your choice, of course :D

The creature sat hunched in the corner, bright eyes gleaming from behind his dark hair. His long fingers dipping into the bottles that lay scattered over the floor and working the materials together.

I think this should be "His long fingers dipped into the bottles... and worked the materials together." to be tense consistent with the rest of the paragraph.

That was it. Otherwise, a sweet story that conveyed the magic with great flair. Well done and hope to read more of your work *Smile*
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Review of Autumn: The Fade  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I loved this story. It was a story of regret and unrequited love - and Autumn, of course. I guess we've all experienced both of those emotions, and I have a particular affection for Autumn as being my favourite season, so your tale had real appeal *Smile*

The characterisation of Will (and to a lesser extent Faith) was wonderful. His dreams, his promise of 'definitely tomorrow' rang very true, as did Faith's "I hope you aren’t considering any lines about ‘Getting me out of these wet clothes'"

I also liked the way you managed to get so much story into so few words. You kept it tight, even with all the beautiful descriptions of Autumn, and the connecting symbolism you used. I never felt the plot was rushed or lagging, it was paced beautifully.

There were a tiny point I spotted:

Summer was only a memory; it had joined the memories of distant summers past, sand castles, sunburn and car journeys with the windows wide open.

I don't really like the repetition of 'memory' here. Perhaps 'recollection' in the first instance? Even if you wanted to keep it though,it doesn't take away from the story as a whole. I just had to make mention of:

There she was, the girl with the strange, enchanting walk. Somehow the way she moved made more sense in a skirt, like lyrics put to their melody

As a piece of imagery, I found that absolutely delightful. Especially the way you extend the description into 'verse and chorus'.

I have nothing bad to say about this story. If I had, I wouldn't have given it a 5*. Nicely handled, I'll be back to read more of your port as time allows *Cool*
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Review of The Sculptor  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*grins* Well, that was different! It actually appealed to my sense of humour, in a strange way. Especially the ending - that bit I thought was great *Smile*

I liked the overall plot, but I feel it could do with a bit of expansion when it comes to the actual competition. Most of your writing seems to be about how she got to where she is now, and the 'now' seems a bit rushed in comparison.

The investment you put into the main character was good. Lots of past detail, current characterisation and reaction to the embarrassment of what happened to her in the competition. That worked for me, I empathised.

I found a few problems with the linguistics and the technicalities, so I'll make a little list:

It was then that Jenny wanted to be a sculptor.

You seem to have quite a few examples in your work, where I think the use of past-perfect tense (ie. "It was then that Jenny had wanted to be a sculptor") would have been better than the simple-past tense (ie. what you used, pretty much throughout the piece). Past-perfect is used to describe action that been completed before some other event. Further past than past, if that makes any sense. It might be an idea to try and look through the piece and see if you can segregate it into a more coherent timeline with your different tenses. I'd certainly be willing to look it over again, after you'd had an attempt *Smile*

Today, during competition, she would satisfy that knowingness with a piece of work that would solidify and stretch her place in the annals of the art world.

This sentence feels like you struggled with what you were trying to say. I'd advise a few phrase-changes, to make it a little more elegant. For example:

"Today, in the course of the competition, she would satisfy that knowledge with a piece of work that would solify and expand..."

One had to admit they did enhance a sculptures appeal.

Apostrophe in sculpture's

The owners of the house, the Roses, were showing off to the McDonalds their place in the structure of society, being able to afford an original with a purpose built display area to show it off.

Bit of a run-on sentence there. You've tried to include too much information without breaking it up. How about:

"The owners of the house, the Roses, were showing off their place in the structure of society to the McDonalds. They had, apparently, been able to afford..."

It was because arts new discipline was so profound that Jenny wanted to make all of her work accessible to the public.

Again, apostrophe in art's.

And the people watching on the net!? How embarrassing!
By ten thirty am it was all over. Jenny left in embarrassment.

I would suggest you getting rid of one of the 'embarrassing's, as a repetition. How about turning the first one into a 'humiliating'? It adds variety and increases the entertainment factor for the readers *Cool*

That's a summary of what I found. Like I said, I enjoyed it and would be willing to check it over again, if you wanted further help. Hope to see you around *Smile*
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Review of The King Returns  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good, entertaining story. Very surreal, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Your straightforward approach to sentences and phrasing was very easy on the eye. In the first half of the story, I would have said that it was a little too basic if anything. The main character seemed barely to react to what was a very bizarre situation. However, in light of the fact that it was a dream, I'm not sure that criticism holds true any more. You do tend to accept even the weirdest happenings when you're in a dream-state. However, you left us with a very clear image of what was happening, and that worked very well.

As an overall plot point, the only suggestion I could come up with was this. I didn't quite get a sense of why his wife was so concerned about his dreams. There was the comment about psychic and ESP dreams at the end... but, to me, the dream didn't read like anything psychic. Just like a free-form occurrence, vividly played out in his imagination. Something to laugh about rather than to cause worry, I would have thought.

A couple of nitpicks:

"Thank you, thank you very much," Elvis drawled. Elvis left the fridge door hanging wide open.

You tend to use repetition of the name a little too often. For me, it broke me out of the tale. 'He' or 'The King' would be great substitutes and would make it flow better *Smile*

His mouth seemed cavernous as Elvis took the first bite from his sandwich.

Because you used 'He' first and 'Elvis' second, it seems like you're talking about two separate people. I'd suggest switching them, for easier reading.

I awakened that morning disturbed.

Comma, between 'morning' and 'disturbed'.

And that's it. Thanks for making me laugh with this one. Very good *Cool*
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Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was attracted by the title of this story, and wasn't disappointed at all. Every role was characterised/anthromorphised wonderfully. It read like it was autobiographical, but the way you injected the humour into the situation, poking fun at your own role, the role of the husband, cats and mouse, was excellent.

The pacing was great, the plot mixed tension and absurdity in equal measure - not to mention that it had you rooting for the mouse in the end. Anyone who's ever owned cats will know where you're coming from in this story!

I found a few little nitpicks. All personal opinion and subject to author's acceptance or rejection, of course:

“It’s those cats again,” I thought to myself , still mostly asleep. Yes, still mostly asleep, I heard the thumping of paws of my two cats-- in hot pursuit, paws pounding heavily on the carpeted steps, running down the hall and coming ever closer.

There seems to be a lot of redundancy in this first paragraph. 'Those cats' and 'two cats'; 'paws pounding heavily' and 'running down the hall'; 'thumping of paws' and 'paws pounding heavily'. It leads to repetition of words like 'paws', which is noticeable in the paragraph where you most want to pull the reader in. I would try something like this, to get the impact back:

"It's those cats again," I thought to myself, still mostly asleep. Yes, still mostly asleep, I heard the heavy pounding of paws on the carpeted steps; obviously in hot pursuit, they were charging along the hall, coming ever closer.

“Aw, c’mon, guys, cut it out!” I’m not sure if I actually said it, yelled it, or merely just thought it.

'Merely just thought it'. Merely and Just mean the same thing. Either one would make the sentence complete (personally, I'd use 'merely' in this case).

“Strange,” I thought. “Lucky’s (the older of our two cats) usually the one chasing HER.”

Here, I'd personally use "Lucky (the older of our two cats) is usually..." Simply because, if you keep it your way, unabbreviated, it would read "Lucky is (the older of our two cats) usually..." and that sounds wrong.

Well, that's it. All I could find, despite scouring the whole tale. As I said, I loved it and hope to read more of your work as time goes on. *Smile*
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Review of The Singer  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reminiscent of the Hans Christian Andersen tales, with their melancholy endings and sense of the mystical. It was great to read, although I can see why it wasn't the best choice of theme for a boyfriend-girlfriend scenario *grins*

I loved the multi-layered themes you put into it. Without moralising or making the author's opinion count too heavily, you showed a love being destroyed by the demands of conventionality. A genius constrained by having to live in the real world, eventually freezing, like a homeless beggar that everyone turns their eyes from. Very well told.

I spotted a couple of trivial points that might be worth consideration:

His singing was so good, listeners would often throw expensive coins and sometimes even jewelry before him, and it was from this that his family sustained.

'Expensive coins' suggests that you buy the coins, rather than use the coins for buying other things. I think 'valuable' might fit better here?

and...

“The world is cold,” he exclaimed, “but the human condition is colder, for the world is spinning in constant motion, and like the river, it will never freeze, but mankind is still and cyclical, like a lake, and is prone to freezing over.”

This is a deep message, and the keystone to the ending. I think it's in danger of being lost, due to the run-on nature of the sentence. I'd go for: "The world is cold, but the human condition is colder. For the world is spinning in constant motion and, like the river, it will never freeze. Yet mankind is still and cyclical, like a lake, and is prone to freezing over."

For me, at least, it makes it easier to extract the meaning that way *Smile*

Magical fairy-tale, told without resorting to Disneyfication. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and hope to read more of your work soon.
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Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I've just had this story recommended to me. I have to say I loved it, from start to finish. Superb character piece that takes you through the highs of laughter to the lows of regret, without ever relying on a single cliche or stereotype.

I loved the characterisation of the vampire, determined to rise above his circumstances. I enjoyed the tale of friendship in the second half of the story. I also liked your simplicity of language and the conversational style you held all the way through. So many people find it hard to talk naturally within the text, but you made it look easy *Smile*

My favourite part - a really 'humanising' moment from the vampire. Very powerful:

The feel of him drinking sent streams of ecstasy through me. I knew. I knew the moment he bit. Why didn’t I stop him? I ask myself so often. Why didn’t I stop him? I've resolved never to turn another person into a vampire. It wouldn't be a hero-thing to do. I will never be like the Serpent.

There wasn't anything major to critique. Here's the few things I came up with:

Anyway, so around six-thirty in the evening, as I was saying, I rise out of my coffin,

I know I've just said that your conversational style was great - but the first two words seem over-fussy to me. "Anyway, as I was saying," would work. Or just "So - around six-thirty..." I think if you're going to keep both words, you need the dash after so, as I'd expect it to have a pause after it, in conversation.

and I get to feel a sweet, warm body hugging me like I was really someone. ...and... as he hugged and thanked me.

'Hugging' (and derivatives thereof) is a word that crops up a lot in this story. Slightly too repetitive, I think. How about substitutions of 'embracing' or 'enveloping' or something like that?

Well, that was it for suggestions. Wonderfully original piece of writing, keep up the awesome work *Bigsmile*
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Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I absolutely loved this story. You had me at the first paragraph and never let me go til it was all over *Bigsmile*

The setting was original. An art gallery isn't what immediately springs to mind when you think comedy or romance, but it worked. The premise of squashing an old adage was fantastic, too. I always love the twisty thinking that goes behind the "Who says you can't...?" arguments.

Great humour throughout. I especially loved the self-deprecating:

I don’t really think I enjoy being put in the same category as a painting of a cow, but I’ll take my compliments where I can get them.

and the following 'writus interruptus' was flawless in its execution:

All right, hold it right there. This isn’t going to turn into some mushy romance story.

Plot, characters, pacing, mood... all great. The only details I can find to nitpick at are linguistic ones, so I'll just go for it *Smile*

As I walked across the street, being careful to step away from puddles that had accumulated from last night’s downpour, my mind was so filled with my work ahead that I barely felt the first few heavy raindrops that fell to the ground.

Any way we could break that oh-so-long sentence up into a few more manageable chunks? Perhaps, "As I crossed the street, carefully stepping around puddles from last night's downpour, my mind was filled with my work ahead. So much so that I barely felt..." Not good, but at least a little less run-on.

With no warning at all, the heavens felt it necessary to shed its tears with no mercy

'The heavens' is plural. I think it would have to be 'their tears' later on in the sentence.

It truly was a story that could bring a tear to one’s eye. Unfortunately, my tear ducts had long dried up and weren’t about to shed a tear for Larry…yet.

It could be thesaurus time here. Three 'tears' in two sentences starts to be noticeable. How about 'weren't about to overflow for Larry'?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved paintings and sculptures, and I’d spend hours with my father at his museum or help mother with her craft –which she was quite good at.

I think 'help' should be 'helping' here. You spend hours 'doing' (or whatever verb is implied by the time spend with him), so the rest of the verbage should match(?)

I really can spend hours listening to that man talk. He really is fascinating.

You could avoid the repetition of 'really', by missing it out in the first instance. Or "I can spend hours, just listening to that man talk."

That's it, really. I'm very glad I read this one. Good, funny stuff!

Keep it coming...
16
16
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Intriguing start. Is this the beginning of a book, or the prologue of a short story? Either way, it captured my interest.

You handled the characterisation of the main character very well. All is confusion and questions, tinged with panic. He can't quite believe where he is or what's happening to him. Then again, faced with a talking squirrel who claims he's a vampire, I think he handles it as well as can be expected.

One thing I'd caution you about. The phrase-fragments are great for indicating panic and confusion, but they can make your story very choppy and disjointed if you overuse them. For example:

He tried to make out the eyes' owner. A rodent? A squirrel?! Yes! A pitch black squirrel with glowing red eyes just spoke...Wait! No! That's not right! Of course! It all seemed so simple now! A dream! That's all this is a crazy f***ed up dream and any minute now he would wake up and carry on his normal talking squirrel-free life.

Author's choice. I think it works well for an opening paragraph of reaction, but not necessarily the second and third time you use the same device.

Other than that, you set up the situation nicely, paced it just right, described the surroundings in good detail and made good grammatical sense. No complaints, no other mistakes that I noticed.

Keep it coming...
17
17
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Very unusual bed-time story - as I think it was devised to be *grins*.

Your sense of humour comes across strongly at times. For example, this quirky reference...

using only her massive mommy-strength.

...made me smile. I like the way you got us to identify with Jackie through his likes and fears as well. It was done light-heartedly but effectively.

If I were to suggest an overall improvement to the story, it would be to work more on your plot-flow. I didn't get the sense of any clear path through from the beginning of the story to the end. It seemed more like random recollections from someone's life than a character's journey from somewhere to somewhere else.

Other than that, just a few minor technicalities:

It was amazing because the inside looked like the outside of castle at night.

"...the outside of a castle"?

But the moment Jackie was asked why he didn't talk much, he relaxed in the comfort that the other soldiers were all dirty little rednecks themselves.

I'm unclear what you were getting at with this line? Was it their accents that relaxed him? The act of them speaking to him? Actually listening to them talk among themselves? I think you need to be clearer, to get your humour across at this point *Smile*

In conclusion, a grisly little tale that amused and entertained.

Keep it coming...
18
18
Review of In the Dark  
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very atmospheric dream sequence. I liked particularly the fact that you didn't reveal it as a dream until the end. Even then, you kept us wondering. Some of your descriptions really captured the drama of the moment very well. For example:

Her heart that had flopped and pounded so savagely only minutes before seemed to drop into her stomach and skip a few beats.

Great way of describing the change from fear to shock.

Overall, I'd say you were a little heavy on the adverbs, though. (eg. ran quickly, thudded savagely). I think it was Stephen King that said you should treat adverbs like $100 bills. Use sparingly and always notice when you're spending them. Sometimes less is more, in writing *Smile*

A couple of minor points:

Her heart pounding fiercely in her chest , she stood there silently waiting for another movement. Liz waited, but nothing happened.

'Liz waited'. We already know she waited, from your last sentence. Instead of repeating yourself, I suggest. "..another movement. Nothing happened." It fits just as well and makes the story more pacey.

Then the tries stopped altogether.

Could be better as 'attempts stopped'. 'Tries' sounds a bit clumsy.

Then she realized that whatever was out there was trying to break out there was trying to break down the door.

I think you've got lost in the middle of that sentence somewhere. Needs a quick fix.

It was as if the room was completely empty.

From reading it, my impression was that the room was completely empty. Therefore the 'as if' seems un-needed. Try instead: "The room seemed completely empty." or "The room was completely empty, as far as she could tell."

But finally her gingers connected with a rather sharp piece of the rough wood.

Gingers=fingers?

‘This is it’ she thought. Im going to die, my murderer unknown.

Quote marks for the second part of her chain of thought. 'I'm going to die, my murderer unknown.'

Other than that, an entertaining read. You might want to put a return-space between each of your paragraphs too. It makes it easier to read from a computer screen *Bigsmile*

Keep it coming...
19
19
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the outline. It all seems to fall together well, you have a decent plot running there.

Half-breeds are always interesting to write about, because they're torn between the two heritages. I have a feeling that your protagonist is going to find out that there's a conflict in there somewhere, when he comes to killing his birth father.

The one thing I'd be careful of when writing this up is to make sure that Mizar is a true contender for the Orc leadership. If the Orc leader already has nine strapping pure-bloods, for example, I don't think he'd see Mizar as much of a threat. If, on the other hand, his 'wife' (or whatever) was barren, it would be a different affair completely.

Other than that, fine. You seem to be avoiding the main trap of turning it into a cliche-ed 'Dungeons and Dragons' type scenario. I look forward to seeing what you can do with this storyline.

Keep it coming...
20
20
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed this story. It was far from a run-of-the-mill ghostly tale, in my opinion. You managed to mingle sweet with sinister; the ballerina, the taffeta dress, the little girl with the knife and the blood. It was all very atmospheric.

I particularly liked the ending (gory though it was). The awakening from a dream, only to find that the reality is, if anything, worse. You set that up very well indeed. Another thing I enjoyed was the device of describing the child's bedroom the same way every time. Always bringing us back to the candles, the dolls, the ballerina. Most effective and creepy.

A few points. Many of your sentences take on elaborate forms, like this:

The candles covering the sills on the windows dripped wax onto the carpeted floor in puddles around the dolls that lay underneath.

Sometimes, when we attempt to describe too much, we lose the reader's attention, rather than giving them simple images that they can latch onto. Perhaps something like, "Wax from the windowsill candles dripped, forming warm puddles on the carpet below. Unseeing, a cluster of dolls lay in the slowly hardening tallow." or something like that?

Another thing I noted about your writing is that your sentences tend to run on. Again, shorter sentences make reading easier. So, for example:

The open windows blew the ghost-like curtains around the rose-papered walls and the moon stood dominant outside above the tress of the woods, holding the little girl in enchantment as she turned to greet it, as if it were a long-lost companion she hadn’t seen in years.

Could be split into, "The open windows (perhaps insert 'breeze' instead, to avoid too many adjectives?) blew the ghost-like curtains around the rose-papered walls. Outside, the moon stood domination above the tress of the woods, holding the little girl in enchantment. She turned to greet it as if..."

Just one spelling error that I spotted:

That her mother and father could not have saved her from that retched man, Mr. Glen.

retched=wretched.

Good piece. Very spooky and suitably violent *Bigsmile*

Keep it coming...
21
21
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An intriguing ghost story. I found myself getting wrapped up in the mystery. The text raised the suspense and posed questions, some of which were never answered. I think, in tales like this, though, that you need some sense of unfinished business at the end of the tale.

The characterisation was great. A village full of uneasy gossippers, a Mother's desperation to see her child again, nobody knowing if she's safe or not, the cold and uncomfortable meeting between mother and daughter. It all added up to a dark story, woven well. I also liked the theme of whether or not it was right to separate this woman from her husband in death, whether the villagers or the couple themselves were in the right. Your final paragraphs leave the reader to decide that issue for themselves.

The only thing I'd say about the story in general was that the 'ghost paragraphs' at the end were a little prosaic. I would have preferred an extra twist, perhaps, instead of the traditional campfire ending. That's just personal taste, though.

Nitpicks:

Her name was Mary, but it should have been Spring, because she affected the town like a fresh breeze after a long and stale winter.

I'm not sure whether or not this works, because 'Spring' isn't a girl's name. 'Dawn' might be better with a metaphor attached, but it's down to author's choice.

She did not even come to town to visit her own mother. Whenever her mother tried to visit Mary, she was promptly turned away by the servants and told to go home.

'Her mother' used twice, a liitle samey. Perhaps 'When the lady tried to visit Mary', instead?

And he of course, offered no intimations of wife’s welfare.

"of his wife's welfare"?

Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed the reading of this one, and smiled as I saw the famed pomegranate mentioned.

Keep it coming...
22
22
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (2.5)
Entertaining story. I liked the idea of humans being thrown into the man catcher's prison. You got the ideas over clearly and the plot flowed well.

I would say, though, that the characters were a bit wooden. You didn't have them reacting to their environment very much. For example, Alice's mother and the firemen, upon finding an actual magic carpet, decided to deal with it as a minor annoyance to be solved.

I would think the firemen would be a little freaked out, inclined to think it was some sort of hoax at first. As for Alice's mother, I'm not sure she would have left Alice with the carpet afterwards, without some argument or persuasion. Mothers can be very protective *Smile*

Other than sparse characterisation though, it was a fun read.

Keep it coming...
23
23
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved this story. A multi-layered fable that's very re-readable. I imagine you can get different nuances and meanings from it at every reading. It never falls into the trap of becoming cliche-ed or full of easy platitudes. Personally, I was uplifted by the message behind the story, it feels like something that could have actually happened *Smile*

I spotted a few really minor details that were worth questioning:

When everything seems eager to wrong you, and you think you just can’t take any more, go to the secret place to find peace.

This works, but the descriptions of the protagonist's problems all seem to stem from people, not things at this point. Perhaps it would work equally well/better with "When everyone seems..."?

With this memory of my grandfather's words again fresh in my mind

The sentence feels clunky. I'd suggest either "With this memory, again fresh in my mind," or "With the memory of my..."

I screamed, "Are you the squirrel spirit here only to taunt me in my search for inner peace?"

comma before the 'here only to taunt', I think.

Other than that, I can't see anything that could be improved upon. I'd say writing this story was time well spent *Smile*
24
24
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Atmospheric start. A little short, but it's only a prologue after all. They don't need to be very long.

You set the scene well here. Descriptions cover the five senses and add to the depth of the setting. There's a definite sense of leading into the main action with the beast stomping off.

A few minor points to watch for:

The moon was full and cast it's shimmering glow across the lake,as the massive manlike beast wandered around the lake shore destroying everything that laid in its path.

The first it's=its, the last it's=its *Wink*

Also, I don't think you need to mention "lake shore". You've already said it's a lake, the next sentence would flow more smoothly if it was just "around the shore" I think.

Also, you use the word 'pain' a lot for a prologue so short. Try to stagger its usage with similar words: "agony," "torment", "discomfort", "wrenching feeling", even "splitting headache" might do at a push.

Capitalisation of Overton, Texas would be useful too.

Keep it coming... *Smile*
25
25
Review by Shady Stoat
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That's a beautiful story. Very poignant and sad, you write powerfully. I really felt for the loneliness of the Piper, and his sacrifice for the woman he loved was beautiful.

I very much liked the way you described him as not quite feeling or seeing things the way ordinary people would. For example:

Instinctively, he didn’t tell her. It never occurred to him to desire her. That would have been altogether too presumptuous. He merely fell, helplessly, totally, and completely, and did not resent his fall. He sat there and watched her hands move in the firelight.

There were only two parts of the story that I noticed possible improvements to be made. The first is this: When in doubt as an author, you tend to use the word 'thing' to describe an awful lot of... things *Laugh* You may want to rethink some of those, as it comes across a little clumsily at times.

The other point came in this paragraph:

“Well, look at you.” He did. “Look at your clothes,” she said. “They’re entirely comprised of buckskin and furs. Your hair is such a strange color—so blond it’s almost white. And you’re tanned so dark that at first I thought you might be an elderly Indian.”

Two points with this: Firstly, it seems a little too informational for speech. I like the way you've tried to include his physical description in a way that doesn't take us out of the story, and it almost works. But how about?

“Well, look at you.” He did. “Look at your clothes,” she said. “Who but a wild-man wears naught but buckskin and furs? And that white-blonde hair against the dark tan makes you look more like an elderly Indian than a normal townsperson.”

(not great, but stylistically, it doesn't take you out of the story as much)

The second thing was that she was giving reasons why she thought he might be crazy. I would say change the whole conversation around, so that she offers the second part of the rationale first. "You're out here all on your own, and you must be the only white man who hasn't heard of the Klondike Gold-Rush" seems a better explanation for craziness than "you don't look quite normal".

That's just personal opinion though. It all is really. Excellent story! *Smile*
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