Hi Dalyon.
I read the first few paragraphs and really enjoyed them. Your envisionment that is relayed to me is very good, exceptionally good. You indicate a strong understanding of unit structure within the command, you even mention specificly a series of platoons by name. This caught my attention when I discovered there is something even greater than the Imperial Guard. An elite group whose talents most likely equal that of our various Special Forces.
Joseph's "POV" is strong, immediately I am drawn to him while his truck manuevers along the road. His time for reflection is given and I feel I confident his thoughts will be easy to follow.
You do an excellent job bringing his world to my understanding, I feel like I know it already from a visitors ' standpoint .
I do have some comments so far and they regard sentence structure. You use sentence fragments extensively, they have their place but I don't believe they need to be in every sentence. The comma allows for a thought to be continued and I already am filled with an endless supply. I want to be able to remember the important pionts of interest when the time comes but your commas are distracting.
You bring the units and the stucture of the interplanetary system into view and I want to be able to understand what is important and what is not. Somethimes it is neccessary to create a choppy series of sentences with periods, this causes the mind to take a bread and smell the roses.
I have one sentence in mind that bothered me all the way to his father giving his 18th birthday present. I had no choice but to go back an visit this sentence in order to understand what was bothering me........
(However, here he was, on one of the Altariun 512th regiment's transport trucks, steadily making his way to a situation and place he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.).....Ok I brought it in and now I can look it over.
First this sentence is enormous, thirty three words and three commas. You see what I mean about what is important and what is not? If you create something and I read it, what ever is forced enter my mind it is pulled in. If you create this something and it really stands out my mind is saying to keep on file.....even if it means little.
I'm not finished with this one, other issues remain with it.
.......(Making his way to a situation and place)........Too many words especially for those who understand sci/fi and fantasy. We key on many words and a picture forms instantly the same as any other genre. I would replace "situation" and "place"
with one word - "rendevous". This says a lot for me in military language, a place of meeting for intel gathering, a location to assemble a unit for action, a top secret location not to be disclosed to those who have no authority. This one word says many things and depending on the manner of the wording before it we know precisely what is meant.
I already know he is on Altariun Prime, no need mentioning the entire name again when identifying the truck. Plus repeated names and words becomes mundane.
This sentence is very wordy you nearly concealed what you wanted me to notice. It is what's about to happen at the rendevous that's important, this is why I was drawn to this so much. With all of the fragments I missed it and yet my minds eye knew enough to keep yelling at me and come back to that sentence. Now what was so important in that sentence?......(he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.).......This is what it was and it has a direct reflection to the beginning of this paragraph, he is ordered to kill his best friend I bet.
I would like to take a stab at re-doing this sentence and see what you think......
Yours - (However, here he was, on one of the Altariun 512th regiment's transport trucks, steadily making his way to a situation and place he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.)
Mine - (steadily the 312th transport carried him to his rendevous. Never in his wildest dreams had he considered such a tormenting mission.).....I'll leave it alone now, I'm happy.
Now I will continue reading, oh yea, line spacing. It makes it easier to follow for reviewing.
( Looking into his eyes, Joseph could tell that it was truly a grave subject his father was attempting to broach.).....Up to this point you have done very well with the past tense issue. This present tense setting suddenly appearing won't do. All narrative must be in simple past or past tense, you can do what you want with the "POV" but the narrative must be past tense. This is called jumping around in time and all it does is tell me to look the other way, for you that is not good.
( Although only six foot tall, Joseph's well-defined muscular build gave him an air of confidence and strength that was constantly at odds with his young face)......I am to believe these are not human, humanoid perhaps. Six feet tall must be short in this world.
Soon I discover Six feet seven inches is very tall. I would try to take a look at the previous and make six feet sound not so small. I spent three years in Korea as an M.P and I knew some tall people in my unit. One of our company commander's was seven feet one inch. A specialist in my platoon was seven feet one and a half inches in hieght. I am five feet eight, imagine he and I as we performed the village patrol at night. Everyone was very cooperative when he was around, too bad we didn't have ready issue clothing for iether man.
Trent is now the short guy, yeah I would rephrase the beginning for Joseph's size, not to make him sound small as you did but something like - (His six foot frame.....)
...........(Hi Dalyon.
I read the first few paragraphs and really enjoyed them. Your envisionment that is relayed to me is very good, exceptionally good. You indicate a strong understanding of unit structure within the command, you even mention specificly a series of platoons by name. This caught my attention when I discovered there is something even greater than the Imperial Guard. An elite group whose talents most likely equal that of our various Special Forces.
Joseph's "POV" is strong, immediately I am drawn to him while his truck manuevers along the road. His time for reflection is given and I feel I confident his thoughts will be easy to follow.
You do an excellent job bringing his world to my understanding, I feel like I know it already from a visitors ' standpoint .
I do have some comments so far and they regard sentence structure. You use sentence fragments extensively, they have their place but I don't believe they need to be in every sentence. The comma allows for a thought to be continued and I already am filled with an endless supply. I want to be able to remember the important pionts of interest when the time comes but your commas are distracting.
You bring the units and the stucture of the interplanetary system into view and I want to be able to understand what is important and what is not. Somethimes it is neccessary to create a choppy series of sentences with periods, this causes the mind to take a bread and smell the roses.
I have one sentence in mind that bothered me all the way to his father giving his 18th birthday present. I had no choice but to go back an visit this sentence in order to understand what was bothering me........
(However, here he was, on one of the Altariun 512th regiment's transport trucks, steadily making his way to a situation and place he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.).....Ok I brought it in and now I can look it over.
First this sentence is enormous, thirty three words and three commas. You see what I mean about what is important and what is not? If you create something and I read it, what ever is forced enter my mind it is pulled in. If you create this something and it really stands out my mind is saying to keep on file.....even if it means little.
I'm not finished with this one, other issues remain with it.
.......(Making his way to a situation and place)........Too many words especially for those who understand sci/fi and fantasy. We key on many words and a picture forms instantly the same as any other genre. I would replace "situation" and "place"
with one word - "rendevous". This says a lot for me in military language, a place of meeting for intel gathering, a location to assemble a unit for action, a top secret location not to be disclosed to those who have no authority. This one word says many things and depending on the manner of the wording before it we know precisely what is meant.
I already know he is on Altariun Prime, no need mentioning the entire name again when identifying the truck. Plus repeated names and words becomes mundane.
This sentence is very wordy you nearly concealed what you wanted me to notice. It is what's about to happen at the rendevous that's important, this is why I was drawn to this so much. With all of the fragments I missed it and yet my minds eye knew enough to keep yelling at me and come back to that sentence. Now what was so important in that sentence?......(he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.).......This is what it was and it has a direct reflection to the beginning of this paragraph, he is ordered to kill his best friend I bet.
I would like to take a stab at re-doing this sentence and see what you think......
Yours - (However, here he was, on one of the Altariun 512th regiment's transport trucks, steadily making his way to a situation and place he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.)
Mine - (steadily the 312th transport carried him to his rendevous. Never in his wildest dreams had he considered such a tormenting mission.).....I'll leave it alone now, I'm happy.
Now I will continue reading, oh yea, line spacing. It makes it easier to follow for reviewing.
( Looking into his eyes, Joseph could tell that it was truly a grave subject his father was attempting to broach.).....Up to this point you have done very well with the past tense issue. This present tense setting suddenly appearing won't do. All narrative must be in simple past or past tense, you can do what you want with the "POV" but the narrative must be past tense. This is called jumping around in time and all it does is tell me to look the other way, for you that is not good.
( Although only six foot tall, Joseph's well-defined muscular build gave him an air of confidence and strength that was constantly at odds with his young face)......I am to believe these are not human, humanoid perhaps. Six feet tall must be short in this world.
Soon I discover Six feet seven inches is very tall. I would try to take a look at the previous and make six feet sound not so small. I spent three years in Korea as an M.P and I knew some tall people in my unit. One of our company commander's was seven feet one inch. A specialist in my platoon was seven feet one and a half inches in hieght. I am five feet eight, imagine he and I as we performed the village patrol at night. Everyone was very cooperative when he was around, too bad we didn't have ready issue clothing for iether man.
.........(Hi Dalyon.
I read the first few paragraphs and really enjoyed them. Your envisionment that is relayed to me is very good, exceptionally good. You indicate a strong understanding of unit structure within the command, you even mention specificly a series of platoons by name. This caught my attention when I discovered there is something even greater than the Imperial Guard. An elite group whose talents most likely equal that of our various Special Forces.
Joseph's "POV" is strong, immediately I am drawn to him while his truck manuevers along the road. His time for reflection is given and I feel I confident his thoughts will be easy to follow.
You do an excellent job bringing his world to my understanding, I feel like I know it already from a visitors ' standpoint .
I do have some comments so far and they regard sentence structure. You use sentence fragments extensively, they have their place but I don't believe they need to be in every sentence. The comma allows for a thought to be continued and I already am filled with an endless supply. I want to be able to remember the important pionts of interest when the time comes but your commas are distracting.
You bring the units and the stucture of the interplanetary system into view and I want to be able to understand what is important and what is not. Somethimes it is neccessary to create a choppy series of sentences with periods, this causes the mind to take a bread and smell the roses.
I have one sentence in mind that bothered me all the way to his father giving his 18th birthday present. I had no choice but to go back an visit this sentence in order to understand what was bothering me........
(However, here he was, on one of the Altariun 512th regiment's transport trucks, steadily making his way to a situation and place he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.).....Ok I brought it in and now I can look it over.
First this sentence is enormous, thirty three words and three commas. You see what I mean about what is important and what is not? If you create something and I read it, what ever is forced enter my mind it is pulled in. If you create this something and it really stands out my mind is saying to keep on file.....even if it means little.
I'm not finished with this one, other issues remain with it.
.......(Making his way to a situation and place)........Too many words especially for those who understand sci/fi and fantasy. We key on many words and a picture forms instantly the same as any other genre. I would replace "situation" and "place"
with one word - "rendevous". This says a lot for me in military language, a place of meeting for intel gathering, a location to assemble a unit for action, a top secret location not to be disclosed to those who have no authority. This one word says many things and depending on the manner of the wording before it we know precisely what is meant.
I already know he is on Altariun Prime, no need mentioning the entire name again when identifying the truck. Plus repeated names and words becomes mundane.
This sentence is very wordy you nearly concealed what you wanted me to notice. It is what's about to happen at the rendevous that's important, this is why I was drawn to this so much. With all of the fragments I missed it and yet my minds eye knew enough to keep yelling at me and come back to that sentence. Now what was so important in that sentence?......(he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.).......This is what it was and it has a direct reflection to the beginning of this paragraph, he is ordered to kill his best friend I bet.
I would like to take a stab at re-doing this sentence and see what you think......
Yours - (However, here he was, on one of the Altariun 512th regiment's transport trucks, steadily making his way to a situation and place he never could have even dreamed his life would lead him.)
Mine - (steadily the 312th transport carried him to his rendevous. Never in his wildest dreams had he considered such a tormenting mission.).....I'll leave it alone now, I'm happy.
Now I will continue reading, oh yea, line spacing. It makes it easier to follow for reviewing.
( Looking into his eyes, Joseph could tell that it was truly a grave subject his father was attempting to broach.).....Up to this point you have done very well with the past tense issue. This present tense setting suddenly appearing won't do. All narrative must be in simple past or past tense, you can do what you want with the "POV" but the narrative must be past tense. This is called jumping around in time and all it does is tell me to look the other way, for you that is not good.
( Although only six foot tall, Joseph's well-defined muscular build gave him an air of confidence and strength that was constantly at odds with his young face)......I am to believe these are not human, humanoid perhaps. Six feet tall must be short in this world.
Soon I discover Six feet seven inches is very tall. I would try to take a look at the previous and make six feet sound not so small. I spent three years in Korea as an M.P and I knew some tall people in my unit. One of our company commander's was seven feet one inch. A specialist in my platoon was seven feet one and a half inches in hieght. I am five feet eight, imagine he and I as we performed the village patrol at night. Everyone was very cooperative when he was around, too bad we didn't have ready issue clothing for iether man.
When the private is shot and the hole in his chest appear, later it is his belley that is held. I read on to observe the action as the team gathered on the far side of the doomed truck. What I felt as confliction information may have been a missunderstanding of what you portrayed. I now believe the man's chest and belley took hits, I can see his loss.
I have read to where the team signaled the all clear to Joseph after he stormed the sturcture. I am happy for you, I loved this and found nothing durring this point. You maintained my attention completely and used those short and choppy sentences I mentioned earlier, great job.
Finished:
My thoughts - I was mezmerised with your actiion packed assault, never once did you cause me to pause and wonder. Joseph moved about with the skill of a seasoned soldier and proved himself a delight to follow.
You kill team is just as enjoyable to read in action, every room and moment of activity flowed effortlessly and full of vision. The moment returns toward the beginning when his rifle is shot away, his father remembered once again and proved to be a nice moment of reflection for what is about to come.
I won't tell everyone what happened but you ended this briliantly, excellent work.
Not much is needed in my opinion to get this where you want it, you have created a fantastic story filled with, drama, mystery, suspense, attitude and top of the line action.
Keep on writing because you have a winner.
imagine.
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