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126
126
Review of Osama the Llama  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello jesusmussolini imagine here.

I will not say what I feel of the humor of 9/11. I will say from the stand point of writing that this was incredible. The rhyme in poetry followed so well as though a methodic melody played throughout.
I found no flaws that I could detect as I have plenty of learning of my own. A highly intelectual standpointed view on the war this world is in, I offer plenty of acalaids to you.
Though my heart mourns for our nation as well the world. Your work has proven worthy to read with praise, job well done as your characterisation was so serious as humor played within.
Yet a stark reminder of a politics out of control as you show us the truth of the world we live in. The cycle continues whoever the horse is, the lama will always be in the fields.
Job well done respectfully.

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127
127
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello shadi, imagine here.
Such a sorrowful scene, yet I wonder how often this plays out in our daily lives. At the moment of discovering the cancer as it is suspected to be so easily treatable a full retreat is made.
It really is amazing how success coincides with total failure on a persons daily life as a rare few are given that moment to decide their fate with a single thought. How many of those decisions are followed through to the end when hope was there at the onset of discovering life along two paths.
How many of us would ever be allowed for such a choice, perhaps under circumstances demanding a more sinister outlook from the start?
Even between our ages I am sure we all take a look at our past decisions, how many of us look seriously at the road of life? Does it take a defining moment to decide our own fate when a opportunity arrives freely to end it all, or do we fight that courageous battle to the end?
This was very good, it hits home as I read it to my own wife as she came into the room. We have a good marriage as her heart broke with the ending of this work.
I found only one misspelled word----- I heard from others "than" he was disheartened----(than should be that).
As I am learning about commas, we both have something in common, they have to go.
Editors do not like comma splicing. Apparently it is an illegal concept in writing stories as grammar will play the role for commas. Don't worry about the grammar from me as I am on a one inch leash which offers no room for biting.
I wish I were able to have my leash extended as I am sure if I could discover these errors you may be more appreciative of this review. I will offer this beyond what I have done.
It was wonderfully performed in my opinon as paragraphing appeared excellent. Your characterisation was well maintained in the characters mind to the very end.
You kept me enthralled through the entire story, I am sorry as I do not have a full understanding of pros though this was ripping at my heart.
FASCINATING!

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128
128
Review of the rose  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello lyndsie, imagine here.

A painful release as easily understood, a terrible heart brake as yet no freedom can be found, toughing the heart with a painful prick.

I should let you know of repeated misspellings, "i" is spelled "I" when referring to ones self.


three long years ago, the love afffair began
my guard fell and "with my hand with its", i ran-----( I am lost with this one as I marked my point of confusion, with its what?)

i wake up and my day starts "iwth"-----( with )

Once again a painful experience experienced by so many, such a feeling as this easily matches many broken hearts.
I did like it, the spelling desires assistance, keep writing.
129
129
Review of Stuck in Time  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello James G., imagine here.

A short poem, well defining a situation of hopelessness, the cirlce of life continues as though no changes were possible.

Always returning to the same place the situation unending, the same door opens over and over.

Every door leads to the same adventure, now the adventure is no more.

I felt a comparative understanding may fit this well, to show you how I perceived the lyrics. Nicely done, it represents so much of what we do.

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130
130
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello elizabeth, imagine here.

I thought your poem was very touching, I felt as though your heart was recognising a need of fulfillment. It hit me strongly being prior military, with this said I also felt more could have been added.
With each sentence, I saw so many of my own thoughts come to mind, mentaly adding between the lines as I read along.
This was an inspiring poem, one that has the potential for so much more, if you don't mind, I will give an example.

(When it happened we all asked how)
A sense of comfort ignored the horrors beyond our door

(We thought we were the strongest of them all)
A false sense of security
a enemy plans years ahead

(And now our minds are filled with an assortment of fears)
A elusive enemy lives next door to me
The enemy may be you
Who are we


(But if we stand together, they'll still grow up strong)
I know so many who live for today
Tomorrow has not arrived

(They come over here to be free)
Those that live for today
Never relising tomorrow

(And now our great country is beginning to fall)
Those that live for today
shall realise to late

(How much more can the USA bear)
The giving must end

(But not anymore because)
The enemy is within

(UNITED WE STAND)
Will you stand with me



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Science Fiction member
131
131
Review of BLESSED TO CURSED  
Rated: E | (1.5)
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Science Fiction member

Hello, Spasian Poet, imagine here.

First, you must capitalise first letter of sentance only, names in like manner. A period to break up into sentences as well fragmenting into paragraps. There may well be a misspelled word I may discover, this you will see too.
I will attempt to show you a little help here, I may as well reconstruct some work here to better inform you of other aspects of your work. Suggestions only of course!


ITS CRAZY HOW LIFE TURNS OUT....AS INDIVIDUALS WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE THAT ARE DECISIONS ARE ALWAYS "BASED "APON" TWO KINDS OF CATEGORIES... THESE CATEGORIES ARE ALWAYS COMPARATIVE OPPOSITES, IN WHICH MAKES US TAKE IN "ARE" INDIVIDUAL DECISIONS. AS KIDS WE "ARE" RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT THESE TWO CATEGORIES CREATE ARE ORIGNALITY OR TAKE IN OUR SOCIETIES CLONES…

(It's crazy how life turns out, as individuals, we are lead to believe that our desicions are based opon two levels of teaching. As comparative opposites, we grow within our own understanding; as children we create our individual decision in understanding, accepting the clone of society as we grow.

Ok, there is a re-arrangement, there were several misspelled words in this area alone. Look back up top where I brought some of your work down. You will see parenthesis around a few words, those are misspelled. now I will show you the correct spell.
Now don't be in shock, don't tell anyone but I sometimes misspell as well, no one is perfect. That is why we are here, to learn from one another!


THAT ARE DECISIONS----(ARE--is our when you are refering to a likeness of a group you are with.)

BASED APON TWO KINDS OF CATEGORIES...(APON---is upon)

IN ARE INDIVIDUAL DECISIONS---(ARE---our--again as before stated)

IN ARE INDIVIDUAL DECISIONS---(ARE---our--same as before.)


ITS-----(It's)
I have given you a bit to work on here, I have notised through your work that you almost never used the word "and". That is very good, as this is nothing more than a filler word that offers no assistance to ones work,use this word when there appears that no alternative will present it'self.
I noticed you use the word "but", this must be avoided at all cost!

I did go through and read this work, please be carefull.
132
132
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Emowriter, imagine here.

I'll offer what I can.

We chase them even further and finally get them in a dead end they are trapped by a fountain and the edge of the Grand Canal.
There are no other ways to get past the two of us and there isn’t enough room to turn around in the street, especially at the rate that they are moving.-----------

--(This sentences require a complete restructuring, gathering your note at the bottom I believe you may suspect this. Let me see if I may be able to help, of course this only a suggestion.)

Chasing them we trap them at a dead end, along the bank of the Grand Canal as well a fountain, there is nowhere to go.
With the rate of speed of their travel, their demise is sealed as the close in on the fountain.


By wording your action scene along a parameter as this, your words are self descriptive, you offered no major detail to work with, with this regard I used what you had available.

As you notice, the word "and" was not used. This word is really nothing more than a filler, used only when there is no other option.
Before you get fully involved, another tip I learned from a writing from an editor's note. (Stay away from the "but", there are few published authors who use this word, those that do are successfull, their publishers do not want to lose them.
I hope this will help you, along with the sentence assistance you have a few tools to work with, or not.
I would suggest joining a writing group that fits your genra, it is a enormous aid.
Good luck.
133
133
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
{imagine:1189658} Science Fiction member

Hello Lon, back again, I am enjoying as well working. You are very difficult to find in error of small things, I was about to give up, my confidence regained.

She barely noticed as two troopers lead her dumstruck to a waiting vehicle and pushed her inside. Two remind (forgot your "a")------Same sentence---remove "for" after "before".

The port entrance loomed before her.-----(Following to second to last sentence)-----Watching as groups of people came and went, she finally picked a group that she thought she could hid-----(forgot your "e")

Punctuation great!

You keep the suspence at full tilt, I can easily envision every moment in the detail you provide, amazing!

My heart sank when Coco was finished, I was really fond of him, he cared for Dagri where she had no other hope.

The tension was high in the cell, I am glad it turned for the better.

Great escape, I followed with flowing ease, each scene appeared like a movie.

The port was nice, very little detail, somehow I pictured a hulk of a ship, two behemoths on the virge of conflict. I envisioned a crammed crew cabin, console comming to life, a blue-green grid of light as the ship sped out.

This is how you capture a reader, fast energy, build the character in every moment, fast detail as the movie begins to move reel to reel---on the edge of my seat!
134
134
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Science Fiction member:

Hello Lon, imagine on station!

No misspelling.

Punctuation good!

Paraphrasing good!

readability excellent!

This is moving as I suspected, Dahgri is very savy in the business of street smart, with her ability to dissassemble assorted information with ease, I see a young girl as before. With the knowledge of loose plans on the open street she will become a pivotal player somewhere, oh lord, she has been caught!

I told you, on the edge of my seat!
135
135
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Hello Lon, imagine on station.

Wow, I have no other way of stating it!
All these years, now I am witnessing genuine quality work, plenty in this site. I will do my best; this one is new to me in many ways, yet so familiar, a challenge at hand, here goe's.

I will begin with any spelling error's I may find---I found none!

Now I will attempt to find punctuation error's-----I found none!

Now I will attempt to find a single word that I my'self try to rid of as much as possible------"and"----I found one---not that I deliberately searched because I found nothing else, I found a location where you could have used the word---"as"---She stepped onto the id plate and placed her hand on the UC, uplink connector.-----(Continue to last sentence)-----It was a menial task and her fingers punched keys on the hand pads endlessly. ( "and" can be removed, replaced with "as"---this will maintain the flowing activity of your character). I can see you have little use for this word as well, sorry I had to search for something so miniscule.
Oh, I know my turn is coming!

Now to the next phase, the plot. I sense a multitude of events coming, a secret has been let loose, one that will test two worlds, one established as a major universal giant, the other a cast away from all. Yet the giant is no better off than the latter, this secret running loose within the streets shall become the center of attention.
Either a savior or a devil in sheeps clothing, the balance of these two worlds hangs on the fringe, a workforce is needed, a war will evolve.
Well, I just don't know what else to do, I have a lot of schooling ahead of me, the caliber in here is very high. I will offer my personal opinion I would imagine.

This story is unique to me, this one is out of my field as far as building the story around this secret in this manner; building the secret within the story, I can do that.
Therefore I do have an understanding of this after all, I am very impressed with your ability to incorporate your secret from the very beginning. Out in the open, yet we really do not know what will become of this child. I can see in your ability already she will suffer many horrors from within, yet somehow she will enjoy enormous pleasures.
You describe a child in destitution, never knowing a truly great day, her fear of identity is so very strong with good reason.
I am very curious in seeing this story unfold, I am hoping this will be a well drawn out saga with more secrets to emerge. Your talent suggests to me a story that will keep me on the edge of my seat at every chapter.
Beautifull work!
136
136
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Most exciting action read so far, fluid, invisionary, your detail in your combat requires immense detail, I personnaly enjoy a heavily detailed desctiptive; to allow my reader to see, precisely what I see.
Example: Solvellis drops his bow, his scimatar drawn as he is forced to lunge his weaponed hand out of instinct. His assailer emits a blood curdling scream that provokes Solvellis into a horrid rage.
Withdrawing the weapon as the doomed victim falls in agonised cries, his eyes express a woefull shock.
Solvellis is thrown forward onto his impailed victim; his dwarven comrade is driven into him, the axe hammer rises as his footing regained as it befells a crushing blow onto the face of his assailer, no longer recognisable.
I hope you don't mind, I do better if I can show you. Increase your detail, get rid of some "and" as you are able to increase your descriptive with new words as well punctuation.
137
137
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good, fluid,I liked the action as it was easy to follow. here it is.
Second paragraph, fourth sentence---upon-not---apon.

third paragraph, first sentence---of-not---off.

boulder followed by, remove "and".

boulder was suddenly---remove next "was".

Remove apastophe after loud noise.

Remove "thats" after that as he appuoached man.

landed with---move your "a".
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