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166 Public Reviews Given
166 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I love reviewing and like to offer as many suggestions for improvement as I am able. I think about the review that I would like to receive and what would help me to be a better writer and try to provide the same
I'm good at...
I am good at picking up typos, grammatical errors. I can also offer advice of characterisation and plot set up.
Favorite Genres
Anything written
Least Favorite Genres
Nothing
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and novels
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Untitled.  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and thanks for sharing

I'm not great at reviewing poetry, I just know what "feels" good and what doesn't.

As sad as this poem was it felt good, I liked the rhyming. Nicely written

Thank you

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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27
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there and thanks for sharing

This story intrigued me and I found myself wanting to read more.

There is a bit of incorrect punctuation around the dialogue, full stops where there should be commas and lower case at the beginning of sentences when it should be upper case and vice versa.

You also misspelt here (you wrote hear), although I can't for the life of me find it again now!!!

One other thing I noticed, Samuel dials the number initially, but later on its mr orifel calling him..

There were a few run on sentences, that would make for easier reading if they were split up a little

I really enjoyed this story. I hope that there is more and it explains the ending, it kind of left me a little confused, but I presume following chapters would clarify.

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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28
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello again

Seeing as you so generously reviewed some of my work, I thought that I would have a look at your portfolio. Please bare in mind that I am not an expert (although I wish) and my review is based solely on my opinion as a reader. Please feel free to disregard any or all advice that you don't feel is relevant.

This is a nice little story, there were a couple of parts that were extremely well written, which I really enjoyed. Spelling and grammar were good and the dialogue was appropriate.

However there were a couple of things that I picked up, which I think with a small amount of work could improve the story enormously:

"..The shadow's up near the ceiling.." I think this should be "the shadows"

In the beginning, you use the remote to turn off the television, but later the television is still tuned to your favourite show.

There is also punctuation missing in a lot of your dialogue:

“Are you going to the prom, Maria?

“I know you used to pretend we’d go to the prom together.

“Sir dove, the little boy shouted, could you please come down here and save me from this lonely well? I have been down here so long that I have finally even forgotten my own name.” - this should be - "Sir Dove!" The little boy shouted, "could you please come down here and save me....."

“The dove said nothing at first,

“Little boy, it finally said, speaking with a gently tone, I do not have the strength to lift you from the well. But, if you want to escape before it is too late, there is something that I can do for you?” - This should be - “Little boy," it finally said, speaking with a GENTLE tone," I do not have the strength to lift you from the well. But, if you want to escape before it is too late, there is something that I can do for you.”

“Anything, sir dove, the boy exclaimed.” - Should be - “Anything, Sir Dove!" The boy exclaimed.

You are clearly very talented, as the basis of this story was very good. Please let me know if you add anything more to your portfolio as I would be only too happy to review.

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of Desolate  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
After reviewing your last story, I thought that I would look around and read some more.

No wonder you won first prize with this. Your style, dialogue, spelling and grammar are completely faultless!

Another five out of five from me. Stunning work.

Thank you very much for sharing again!

Sharon :)
30
30
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello there and thank you for sharing this amazing and emotional piece!!! I actually had tears in my eyes!

I found one typo:

Light baths should be light bathes.

Other than that, I have nothing more to say. Just perfect!!!

Thank you again for sharing this piece!

Thankssharin :)



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading your work, thank you for sharing :)

Now, I am not a person who would normally jump up and down and complain about things (i am generally a live-and-let-live type) But there is just one thing that bothered me. People aren't retarded.... They have disabilities. I think calling people retarded lumps a whole bunch of disabilities in together, giving the reader absolutely no idea of what the person is really like... I'm not sure why it bothers me so much personally, but I'm sorry. It really does and I just had to say (in, I hope the nicest way possible) that I think you should review the word you use to label people with disabilities.

"I large deliver load.." I think is a typo?

Point number seven didn't make sense to me, no matter how many times I read it (this might be my issue, rather than yours!)

Aside from my complaining first paragraph, I really did enjoy this piece. It was exceedingly well written and very amusing!!

Thanks for lightening up my evening

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of Just A Nightmare  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello and thanks for sharing your work.

I quite liked the basis for your story and think with some good proof reading it could be improved dramatically. Many times you slip between past and present tenses and its a little difficult to keep up with. There are also a couple of minor things, such as:

"Plagued by a recurring dream that kept me up all night.." I am sorry, and I honestly mean this is the nicest possible way, but the nature of dreaming is that you are asleep, hence dreaming isn't keeping you up all night. I would suggest a few word changes to make this sentence clearer to what you are trying to say...

Sometimes, I find it helps to have some one read my story to me aloud. Something similar may also assist you to pick out the little errors that we miss when reading our own work.

Having said that, your punctuation and spelling were very good and your story was well paced. I think you have some real potential here. Please let me know once you have made some changes and I will be happy to review my rating as I do feel with some good editing it should be rated higher.

Thank you again!

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of The Virus  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for sharing your work.

I feel that the basic plot shows promise and could be quite a good story. The pace was quite good and I was left intrigued and wondering what could happen next.

A couple of typos that I picked up:

"I love all so much.." Seems to be missing a word?
"...torn peice of paper.." Is misspelt

I am not sure what you mean in your last part... You can write a book here without membership.. ??

Well done with your story, please let me know if you decide to turn this into something longer. I would be happy to read it!

Great work!!

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review of The Wherewithal  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really really like this short story!!!

I cannot offer much in the way of improvement. It's just perfect!!

Only two minor things that bothered me:

I think you mean in perceivable, which is two words or do you mean imperceivable?
The other thing is the "gods forsaken place" I think it should be god forsaken, otherwise it would be god's forsaken?

Again both minor and I had to be very picky to find them because otherwise every line is absolutely spot on! I haven't enjoyed a short story so much in a long time!

Five stars from me. Perfect

Thank you for sharing

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review of Comment-In-A-Box  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (5.0)
Brilliant!!!! Thank you so much!!
36
36
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi there and thank you for sharing your work!

Your thoughts are spot on, we take the advances for granted sometimes, don't we? Your piece gave me a pause for thought

There were a couple of things that interrupted the otherwise smooth flow of your pierce:


A space is required after each full stop or comma
Third line, ans should probably be and. Think it's a typo

Computers and technology ARE an essential part of our lives. How fortunate are we?

Thanks and keep writing!!!

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
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Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi again.
I liked this chapter. There is a nice pace at the beginning, this kept my interest and made me want to keep reading to find out what was happening. Again, and I'm sorry there are quite a few areas for improvement though:

"That where covered with a coat of fear.." Where should by spelt WERE
Entrance is misspelt
After entrance should be a full stop and a new paragraph.
This large paragraph could probably be split up into at least three separate paragraphs
The dialogue between garen and Kyle in the next few paragraphs is very good, it flows appropriately and is well written.
You built quite a bit of urgency and pace into these paragraphs. They are very well written, the history about shelby slows up the pace and almost interrupts it. I think the introduction and discussion about kyle's feelings for her might be better introduced at another time. I wanted to know what was happening with the explosion, who was hurt and if Kyle was going to be alright. I kind of wanted to rush through the next few paragraphs so I could get back to the story and find out what was happening!
".. And aways took the longest route.." This should be ALWAYS

I'm sorry if you feel that I am being overly critical, it's just that the story is REALLY quite good and in reality it just needs some strong editing to make it more reader friendly.

Thank you for sharing

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello again

Well I am still intrigued and very interested to read more, but I hope I can be really honest, your sentence structure in the prologue needs a bit more work.

Sentences run together that should be separated by full stops and your paragraphs are far too lengthy, particularly the first one.

The story so far is really interesting and I am looking forward to reading more, but as it is, I found it really hard going.

My suggestion is to read your work aloud to yourself and think about when you pause. I try to split things up every time I change topic (if that helps at all). For example, the second sentence might be written:

The near star had already sunk behind the large mountain that sat at the edge of the village. The full moon shine brightly behind mount Killimore, casting its first shadows over the people. (New paragraph). This is just my suggestion, but a general idea to make the piece a little more reader friendly.


Your IS very good and shows a lot of promise, but I'm sorry to say it still needs quite a bit more work. Sorry

Thanks for sharing

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
for entry "Prologue/dedication" 
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This there. I am quite intrigued and interested to read your work.

There is one small typo "... Topped of as...." Should be OFF

Sorry to be a spelling nazi (it's the school teacher in me), but it's funny the small things that we miss in our own writing...

I will read your first chapter and get back to you shortly

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review of The plot thickens  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there! After reviewing your last piece I looked at your profile and had to re Jew this one (my name is Sharon)

I really enjoyed this short story, it flowed smoothly and was well written. The only thing I can see that you could improve is the punctuation in the dialogue. You are missing numerous commas the whole way through it, for example:

"That won't do any good" Brown admonished "The killer has already cut..."

It should read: "That won't do any good," Brown admonished, "the killer has already..."

Otherwise it was well written and most enjoyable.

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello there. Thanks for sharing your piece, I really enjoyed it and was captivated right until the end. The imagery was amazing! Well done.

Not I read your piece at the end and you say that no one likes to be criticised and I guess that is certainly true, but I would much prefer to read a review that is honest and assists me to improve as a writer.. Certainly I love the reviews that say I'm amazing too (don't get me wrong) but if there wasn't a single thing to improve then I should be by rights able to publish every piece of work (sadly not the case)

So, while I enjoyed your story, I also noticed a couple of opportunities for improvement. By all means, they are not criticisms and you can feel free to take them or leave them, because I don't pretend to be an expert :)

"..shinning splendour.." Misspelt shining
I have a bit of an issue with shined as well, I would normally use "shone" I looked it up and the definition of "shined" is when it's personal, "I shined the torch" and "shone" when it's non-personal, "the sun shone down" I guess, in this it's your personal choice :)
"..before He realised.." He, should be lower case.
In the third paragraph, you refer to bill with his surname again. I would remove
"..accelerated is..." Think is should actually be HIS
"... Reach passed him..." Should be PAST him

You are exceedingly clever with your imagery. I hope you keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your work. Well done

Thanks

Sharon :)

42
42
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there. A very intriguing and thought provoking piece. It sound very interesting and I would like to continue reading. One small typo that I noticed, but only minor:

"...the shear vastness.." Shear is spelt incorrectly. It should be sheer.

I'll be interested to read your story.

Thanks for sharing

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
43
43
Review of Dad's Calling  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi and thanks for sharing this lovely thought provoking piece.

I feel your pain and sadness.

Technically, I think there are a couple of typos which slowed down the otherwise smooth poem:

"He suffer day by day" I think this should read "he suffers day by day"
"...held the secret witin him.." Missed the h in within.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed it. Good work!

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
44
44
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello

I thought seeing as you had kindly reviewed some of my work that I would have a look at your profile and review something of yours. I found this a little difficult, as I am not a christian, so choosing which piece to review was a little bit of a challenge :)

First thought, before I read your work, there is a typo in the introduction: Promsied Land

Other than that, I do not have a single suggestion for improvement! Your punctuation, timing and spelling were all spot on!

I don't need to believe in your religion to enjoy the flow of your words and the gradual build up until you reached the triumphant ending. I sensed your happiness and joy. It was an incredibly well written piece, which I thoroughly enjoyed. You have an incredible talent and I could feel your emotions throughout the entire piece. I kept up with the story behind the words, this was done through your excellent word choice as much as the general feel and flow...

Great work and thank you for sharing

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
45
45
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and thank you for sharing this lovely piece.

A few things for improvement:

"...most of mine -- happy" The last few lines don't make sense to me, I'm not sure if you mean "most of them are mine" or "most of the time".

While I don't propose to be an expert on writing (or anything close), I think that your piece needs to be broken up a little more. Maybe a full stop, or a new paragraph. Personally, I would have gone with a full stop for each change of topic, but that is only my opinion.

"...that featured for my aunt's entertainment.." I think that this would better read something along the lines of, .."featuring my Aunt entertaining us all with the Oompa Loompa song... " or some similar rewording.

"..I'm so fortunate to have these memories,. " has a full stop and a comma.

Having said all of that, I really did enjoy reading your happy recollections, it certainly sounds like there were some very happy points in your life - I hope that it continues.

Keep well

Thanks

Sharon Connell :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
46
46
Review of Inside India 2010  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow!! After your review I thought I would take another look at your profile and when I saw this I had to read it.

What brilliant writing! I giggled more than a few times, particularly when you grabbed that old man's cane on the bus! I really enjoyed reading, it was like I was almost there.

Thank goodness Australia let you back in :)

Thanks heaps, I've never been to India myself but I am really inspired to go now. So glad you had such a good, eventful holiday and learnt so much about the culture!!

Thank you

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
47
47
Review of Tiny Cat  
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi there. What a lovely story! So well written!!

I felt the emotions and I was intrigued the whole way through the story. You have an amazing talent, thank you so much for sharing. I really enjoyed reading this story.

I don't have a single thing that I could say that might improve your work.

Thank you

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
48
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Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Waaaaayyy to go!!! Massive, huge improvement!!! If I didn't see your last version I would never guess that you found dialogue tricky, it seems to flow effortlessly!!'

I suggest you try for one more bit of dialogue towards the end.

Great job!!!

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
49
49
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there! I had some time, so I thought I would mosey on over to your corral and check out your horses!!

Can I just say, I love how you have named everything related to your love of horses :) it made me smile

I am not very experienced in this kind of work, so I really can't give you anything constructive, however I can say, I really enjoyed reading about your experiences. You have a very expressive way of writing that allows your personality to shine through and a very obvious writing talent.

Thank you for sharing

Thanks

Sharon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
50
50
Review by SharonConnell
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello and thanks for sharing this lovely story.

It's really good and shows that you clearly have a talent for story telling. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Your spelling and grammar is perfect and I have little to say about improving in that area.

The only thing that detracted from the story was the dialogue. You used lots of different styles, none of which were correct. If you were more confident with your dialogue, parts of the story that seemed to ramble a little bit could be made far more interesting with the characters telling the story themselves.

Can I suggest that you do some research, there is plenty of information available on the Internet, or even here on this site about writing dialogue. Read other writers' work and practice practice practice.

I think you have a real winner with this piece and I know dialogue can be difficult, but you really need to get it right... It should look like this:

Leslie, attempted to console her, "It's alright sweetheart," he said, caressing her arm, "it's just a movie."

Please let me know when you have edited this, I would really appreciate the opportunity to read again with the dialogue errors corrected.

Thanks

Sharon :)



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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