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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shelleyo21
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66 Public Reviews Given
73 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am honest and encouraging. I use a simple template to acknowledge areas of strength and areas that need work.
I'm good at...
grammar, usage, syntax. If you have errors, I will find them for you. I will analyze your plot structure and characterization, too.
Favorite Genres
Paranormal (ghost, supernatural); Thriller, Horror; Romance; Detective/Mystery; Fantasy.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica;
Public Reviews
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Review of An Ordinary Stone  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall impression: This chapter promises to be the opening of a very intriguing story. Hera is a compelling protagonist.One question about her: what is her motivation for learning magic? Thanks for the opportunity to review this chapter.

Strengths:This chapter does a nice job of drawing a reader into Hera's world. The descriptions of both character and setting are vivid and help a reader create images in his mind, without stalling the action.


Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole. Three areas caught my attention and might warrant your attention when you revise: dialogue tags, conciseness, and adverbs.

Dialogue tags: To punctuate them, it should look like "Evening, Odrich," she said. There should be a comma before the quotation marks, and the name or pronoun should not be capitalized. I was reading up on dialogue, and one piece of advice that resonated with me was how using tags actually takes a reader out of the story. I guess the "she said" stuff pulls a reader out of the story. So, you may consider limiting your use of tags or eliminating them altogether.

Conciseness: Sometimes in an effort to provide a detailed description of things or characters, writers will use more words to express themselves than is absolutely necessary. I'm guilty of this at times. For example, the sentence "Her thick woolen cloak, with its heavy hood and length coming down passed[past] her knees..." is a little wordy. Perhaps it could be shortened to "Her thick woolen, ankle length cloak" ? Again, reading it out loud will probably help you pinpoint wordy passages more so than my advice*Smile*

Adverbs: Somebody once said using adverbs means you used the wrong verb, or words to that effect. I like adverbs, and when I revise, I realize just how much I like them. *Smile* Having someone else call me on my adverbs has made me uber-conscious of them, so I did notice a fair number of them in your chapter. Most of the adverbs you used, however, didn't seem to be used to modify verbs. Rather, they were used to modify adjectives.Such as, "slightly frightened." So maybe instead of the wrong verb, this is the wrong adjective? Perhaps wary is a better adjective? Something to ponder, anyway. Also, I did notice sometimes your adverbs are used repeatedly in close proximity. Suddenly, desperately, exactly- were three I noticed.

If you are not familiar with Fiction University, it is worth checking out: {http://blog.janicehardy.com/}
Thanks again, and best of luck to you!
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2
Review of Blackberries  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this poem, and the format in which it is constructed.*Delight* WDC is incredible for introducing writers to the many and varied types of writing, especially poetry. I think that when a writer is confined, as it were, to a certain number of words, or syllables, or whatnot, it is, in some ways, a very liberating experience. When we have to limit ourselves, perhaps we become more selective about the words we choose.
This poem captures a memory, a feeling. It evokes that nostalgia that most of us feel, the lucky ones of us feel, about a particular time or place or event. I don't have a similar memory of my own, but I do have the memory of watching my own kids pick, not blackberries, but raspberries with their grandma. I hope someday they look back on those days with as much fondness as this poem evokes.

I would love to share this format with teachers at my school. It would be a fun interdisciplinary activity for English and math teachers. But first, I must attempt my own Pi poem so they have a sample.

Thanks for the beautiful writing, and the inspiration!
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Review of The Crimson Rose  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Overall impression: The image for the story is amazing! The escalating obsessive behavior of Mallory is disturbing, and then some.

Strengths: The introduction to Mallory is well crafted. Especially the detail about her response to even the thought of fingerprints on the glass curio cabinet. She's level headed about everything except her crystal! And the description of her cleaning them is creepy, surpassed by the description of her reaction to Brad bumping the cabinet. Which in turn is surpassed by the description of Mallory, uh, fracturing. Whew.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your work out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your writing backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole.

I did wonder if Mallory had purchased a figurine from the old woman at an earlier time? She definitely had issues well before buying the little maiden figurine.

The last couple lines got me thinking. Brad would later be found ... Could this sentence be stronger if it read (Fill in a name) found Brad lying... The subject could be an EMT or police officer or a neighbor. Maybe, maybe not.

Once again, thank you for an enjoyable read. I very much appreciate the care you take with your craft.
{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Check it out!


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Overall impression: I really enjoyed this story. The twist at the end gives it that undeniable feeling that there's more to the tale. I for one like knowing a story lives on after The End.

Strengths: The imagery in this story is so very vivid. I think the choice of telling this story in present tense works exceptionally well- it enhances the sense of immediacy and urgency that grips the reader and won't let go. I love the somewhat ironic comparison of Death to a pastor caught up in his sermon. Samantha's angst and uncertainty are deftly conveyed.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole.

One thing I noticed in this piece was passages that seem a little wordy.For example, A sudden waft of a strong breeze could perhaps be tightened to A sudden strong breeze? a smirk of cunning could be a cunning smirk? This is just something to consider, or not *Smile*

I want to thank you for sharing your writing- it's really well done and a joy to read. Participating in the GOT activity has been a great vehicle for me to discover writers on WDC. Glad I found you!

{http://blog.janicehardy.com/}Fiction University- great site.


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5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall impression: This chapter is rich and vivid with details.I can relate all too well to the narrator's angst.

Strengths: Again, the imagery is wonderful. There is enough to detail to form the foundation for the mental picture in a reader's mind, but not so much the reader can slack off. I like the repetition of the word glint. The chapter ends in a way that leaves the reader curious about what happens next, which is just what you want.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole.

If you use these strategies, I think you will find there are places that are awkward or a little wordy. For example, He was still feeling the burn of the whiskey in his throat and enjoyed the growing numbness in his head. Your verbs don't agree.

I would caution you on the use of exclamation points. Unless a character is yelling, there probably isn't much need for them.

I was curious about the layout of the house. If the study is on the first floor, how is the dining room underneath it?


{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Fiction University is a great online writing resource. If you aren't familiar with it, do check it out.

Thanks for sharing your writing, and best wishes for continued success.


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Review of River Run  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall impression: I feel like there is so much more to this story, and I would love to know all there is to know.

Strengths: I like the opening lines. They have a great story telling feel to them. Topic and setting are far removed from my daily routine, so I am intrigued.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole. Having said my usual spiel, I know you won't find too many grammatical or usage errors.

On the one hand, I appreciated that in the dialogue sections, you limited your use of dialogue tags. He said, she said can get annoying sometimes. On the other hand, it might be nice to add more details to the conversation. What are your characters doing while they talk? Are they physically doing something, or making a face or anything?

This is a story with a great deal of action, but I don't feel the tension I suspect I should. I think there are places that need further development to help the reader feel like they are right there with the characters, rather than listening to somebody at a cocktail party relaying events that happened to somebody else, if that makes sense.

{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Fiction University is a great online writing resource that has been a big help to me, so if you have a chance, check it out. Hardy has a wealth of practical advice to offer writers.

Thanks for sharing your writing!


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Review of Hard Truth  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall impression: If you were inclined to develop this piece further, I think you would have something really wonderful.

Strengths: Great opening! This piece really captures the strong emotions the narrator is grappling with.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole.

Two things I would like to point out in this piece: show versus tell and wordiness. At the beginning, the narrator says he is mesmerized. I wonder if instead of telling the reader this, can you show it instead? What does a mesmerized person look like, act like? Later, the narrator looks with trepidation upon the other character. Again, this is telling us rather than showing how the narrator looks and feels. I struggle with this occasionally myself, so I try to scour my writing looking for adjectives(like mesmerized) and adverbs that might be signs of telling and not showing.

As for wordiness, there are places where several words are used when just a few would do. A minor example: ran flush could just be flushed. eyes never ceding their lock on mine could be eyes locked on mine.


{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Check out this website for more writing advice.Thanks for sharing!


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Review of Jolene!  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall impression: Stories in which the character is pushed to the breaking point are always a good read.

Strengths: Complete with shotgun is an effective use of a fragment. At first, I wasn't sure detailing each action involved in getting the beer from the freezer to Ed was necessary, but as you use it repeatedly, it serves its purpose well.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole.

Here are my picky grammar/usage points: heavy instead of heavily; things- a more specific word here might be better; dammed instead of damned; pain pills given...for pain.

I am curious about the part where she goes back to the paper, then grabs her pills. Just the order of events in one sentence. Feels out of order, or maybe too much in one sentence?
I am wondering about the dosage, too. Jolene missed one dose- is that enough to kill him? Not knowing what she was taking, this might strain credulity?

At one point, Ed says thank you for the beer, which I thought seemed out of character for him.



{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Have a look at this website!
Thanks for sharing your writing, and best of luck as you continue to write.


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9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
So closely read following After Winter’s Long Embrace, this poem was such a stark comedic contrast in subject matter. I admire your ability to write a romantic seasonal tribute to spring, and then compose a poetic description of events not usually discussed in polite company. This was such an entertaining poem to experience and called to mind certain moments in my personal history that I avoid dwelling on for any length of time*Smile* Haven’t we all been there? Haven't we all had that one(or more than one) unfortunate experience with dining out? Bravo to you for transforming such an unenviable event into an enviable piece of art.

I digress, and I do not wish to fail to address your writing talent. The alliteration and assonance are skillfully utilized to great effect in phrases like Astronomical gastronomical turbulence erupted with disastrous consequence. Poetry is a visual literary form, too, and the last stanza illustrates your skill with this. It has a different appearance on the page than the others. Isolating certain words or phrases in a line emphasizes them, and the last stanza offers that emphasis in a most effective way.

Well done!
10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Overall impression: This chapter shows promise, but without some serious editing work, that promise will remain unfulfilled.

Strengths: Great idea to start in the middle of an action scene. This is very effective at drawing a reader into the world you have created.

Suggestions for improvement: I have two favorite pieces of advice for revision work. First, read your chapter out loud. This gives you a better idea of how your writing sounds in a reader's head.It will bring to light any awkward areas, typos, continuity errors. Second, read your chapter backwards, one sentence at at time. Anything you missed while reading it out loud will be caught this way because your brain is focused on each individual sentence rather than the paragraph or chapter as a whole.

I can’t say it enough: spellcheck and grammar check. Your chapter has so many errors, it is difficult to see past them to the content, which, as I said, shows promise. If you are typing directly into WDC, I don't think you can check grammatical errors, but it will find spelling mistakes. I suggest using some sort of word processing software.

Action verbs are your best friend. Scan for the word was and try to rewrite every sentence in which you find it. Often, there is a stronger verb lurking in the sentence that is a better choice for the main verb. This is an action piece- serve it well with strong active verbs.


I found the description of the burning roof focused only its weight.I wonder if it were hot, and maybe burned his hands??

There is a tense shift at the end of first paragraph from past to present.

Try to weave the physical descriptions into the story rather than dumping them into one paragraph. If the roof wasn’t very heavy, for example, add that he had a fairly muscular build, so lifting it was easy. Could his long black hair get caught on something as he frees himself from the roof? Or maybe the goblin grabs ahold of his hair?

Sentence structure variety keeps writing flowing along. Given the number of run on sentences, it is hard to assess this feature. However, I did notice that many of your sentences start with the pronoun he. So, as you start to revise, take note of how you start your sentences to keep them flowing along.

My favorite online writing resource, besides WDC, of course, is Fiction University at
{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Janice Hardy is full of sage advice.

I wish you well as you write.

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Review of Bones  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Overall impression: I enjoyed this chapter. It's intriguing and well written. I formed questions about the character and the situation- questions I would read on in order to answer.

Strengths: I love the use of strong, clear nouns and verbs. It's not as if you were sitting with a thesaurus in hand, because the word choices are authentic to the story. Love that. Rich is a compelling character, and I have a lot of questions about him. Initially, I figured him for a blue collar guy, with all the preconceived notions that probably go along with that. And yet, you reveal his backstory so nicely, these notions are challenged. I discover he went to college- did the problems with The Deadly Cure lead to him dropping out, changing majors? I wonder just what led him from college to where he is today.More than once it is mentioned that Rich is embarrassed about the condition of his house- even in his dreams. This feels like a guy at a turning point, but he isn't sure which way to go, perhaps?

Suggestions for improvement: I haven't much advice here. Only a note about dialogue tags. If you add he said or she asked after a line of quoted dialogue, the he or she shouldn't be capitalized because the sentence doesn't end until the period after said or {{i}i}asked. And a note about setting the mood. And I'm no expert, but my gut feeling is the mood needs attention. I'm not as creeped out as I suspect I should be.

Thanks for letting me have a look at this. It's one of the most well-written chapters I have read on WDC.


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Review of Chapter 1  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall impression: Right away, I was drawn into Brooke's world.

Strengths: Strong command of language; eye for detail

Suggestions for improvement:
My "go to" advice is to always read aloud when you revise or edit. Your ear will catch what your eyes and brain won't. For example, you will notice that many of your paragraphs begin with Brooke, which a reader will notice. Reading aloud helps you to hear what a reader will hear in their mind. I also noticed most of your sentences start with a subject immediately followed by the verb. Have some fun with language- try opening more sentences with phrases. It helps with the rhythm and flow of the story.

My second "go to" advice is to read your work backwards, one sentence at a time. When your brain focuses on individual sentences, rather than entire paragraphs or pages, it draws your attention to errors or other things that you might have missed, such as typos or missed words.

I wonder how this story would work if it were told from Brooke's point of view? A lot of fiction is told from first person, so consider trying it. First person point of view can help a reader connect with the character.

{http://blog.janicehardy.com/} Check out Janice Hardy's blog. I am using her 31 day Revision Workshop right now. She has a lot of great advice for writers.

Thanks for sharing your work, I enjoyed it. Best of luck with your writing!





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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall impression: This chapter just gets better and better!

Strengths:Compelling first sentence. Love the line about "a grin so wide...looked almost indecent"

Suggestions for improvement: In the conversation between Kenton and Eleanor Atterton, I think there might be some text missing. She questions if they have met before, as if in response to something he said.
The last sentence of the chapter seems unnecessary. Or, maybe it could be combined with the previous one. Something like "...of his as he walked out." The statement Tarsis makes is a compelling way to end the chapter,but the last sentence sort of falls flat on my ear. Maybe the image of him walking out needs tweaking. A lot of possibilities with that line!

Thanks for sharing this new version. Your efforts are really paying off.It is exciting to watch.



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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall impression: I love fairy and folk tales, so I was immediately interested in this story. As I read, I was struck by a similarity to stories by Roald Dahl *Smile*

Strengths: The use of repetition is typical in traditional tales, so repeating phrases likes Oi Jake! and his dad/mom would yell is a smart style choice. The portrayal of the parents is really what made me think of Dahl- their son disappears and they console themselves with new cars. Reminded me of Matilda.
I also liked the reference to the original tale about Jack, and Jake believing Jessica would help him and could be trusted because the woman in the original story did so. It made me think of how fairy tales have been sanitized from their original state.
And, I grinned when I realized the moment Jake echoed his parents, saying "Oi Jessica!" he was eaten by Jessica.

Suggestions for improvement: I wondered about the apple tree. In the first paragraph it is mentioned that Jake would steal apples from next door. Later, it is mentioned that an apple tree is in the bottom of the garden. I guess I wasn't sure where the garden was?
When a character is quoted directly, the word after the quotation marks is usually lowercase. So," his mom would yell.
Sneaked instead of snuck. The first time, snuck is used, but later in the story, sneaked. To my ear, snuck actually sounds better, but I know sneaked is correct. *Smile*

I really enjoyed your story and wish you well!

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall impression:I was intrigued by the premise: a woman loses a bet and winds up participating in a race she seems to be unprepared for, with stakes much higher than any monetary prize.

Strengths: You have a knack for description. For example, when Ellie jumps into the waterfall and "the mud immediately melted from her skin, swirling around her like a storm cloud." Nice.I know you are considering changing the title, but I like it as is.

Suggestions for improvement: I will start with the grammatical, and get that business out of the way. I really didn't discover anything alarming*Smile* In the third paragraph, you have a direct quotation from Toby, "Don't let the chaos worry you." Smiled Toby.You want that period to be a comma, and then smiled doesn't need to be capitalized. The sentence actually ends with the period after Toby. It happens a few other places, so you might want to scan for it.

In the second paragraph, I have a suggestion that deals with parallelism. Third sentence, you have this nice list of sounds Ellie is listening to, but the structure of the list isn't parallel. She listened to the distant roaring of engines. . . the yelling of directions, and bellowing of instructions...
By making each phrase the same type, a participial phrase, that ups the ante as far as the rhythm goes.

Lastly, I did go back and read the first 2 chapters, in order to avoid asking silly questions that were addressed earlier in the story. I have never been to South America, so my frame of reference is limited. When I hear Cartagena, I immediately think of the film Romancing the Stone. Couple that with the idea that Ellie is doing the challenge to get her sister out of a bad situation, and that is where my head goes.*Smile* There are similarities to that story, but not enough to interfere.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I hope my feedback is helpful, and of course, you can ignore anything you don't find helpful!
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Review of An Inhuman Place  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall impression: The title lured me in, and the descriptive style kept me going.

Strengths: The eye for detail is great. I could visualize the house so clearly.

Suggestions for improvement: I struggled for a while trying to work out why this story didn't have the creepy factor I was expecting. The key components are there, but I never fully committed to the story. Two things hit me. First, I know this is told from first person point of view, but the word "I" appears so many times, I was distracted by it. It might be a good idea to try to revise some sentences to remove the "I". For example, in the 5th paragraph, first sentence, you could try "A relieved sigh escaped my chest." Actually, this revision also illustrates my next suggestion. I can't recall who said it, Fitzgerald maybe(?) but someone with more writing cred than I, noted that the stronger your nouns and verbs, the better your writing. Many of your sentences contain passive verbs as the main verb. The funny thing is, just like in that example, a stronger verb is often right smack dab in the sentence*Smile*

Thanks for sharing your writing. I enjoyed your story and hope my suggestions are taken with a proverbial grain of salt.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Thanks for sharing your story.

Overall impression: I definitely want to know more about Henry and the trouble he is in. My interest is piqued*Smile*

Strengths: I liked the word choice in the last sentence of the second paragraph- "...the coldness started to clutch the hill sides.
I have always liked the name Henry- kind of an old-fashioned name that seems to be making a comeback.

Suggestions for improvement: Grammatically speaking, I would encourage you to edit for fragments and run-on sentences. I like to read my writing backwards, one sentence at a time. I tend to catch more errors than reading from start to finish. In the scene where Henry has his back to the door and something is clawing at it, I would suggest asking yourself how does Henry know something is clawing at the door? Can he hear talons scraping the wood? Or can he feel the vibrations from those talons? Give Henry that sensory experience.
I hope my suggestions are beneficial to you. Thanks again for sharing!
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Review of NIRIAN  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
To give you a little background on me, I am a middle school librarian and a former English teacher. I am also a "newbie" to writing.com.

Overall impression:I really enjoyed this piece. I read a lot of books aimed at this audience, and I think your work has strong appeal.

Strengths: Use of present tense lends a sense of immediacy and urgency which fits the story. Similes are used sparingly and effectively. Character's voice is strong. Accurate word choice.

Suggestions for improvement: These are mere suggestions to consider. Second paragraph, first sentence- past tense verb (was). Same paragraph, the Variants and elsewhere, The Variants.Your sentence structure is really nice, but there are times when I think the long, flowing sentences don't mesh with the fast pace. In chapter 3, paragraph 13, one of the sentences is 57 words long and technically a run-on. Also in chapter 3, the hammock confused me a bit. I like the idea of Amarie thinking she has found a perfect place, only to be faced with a rather desperate situation. However, it seemed a little abrupt.Maybe a brief mention of the hammock in chapter 2?

Thanks for sharing your work. I hope my feedback is useful to you.
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing your talent.I hope any feedback I offer is helpful.
First of all, I really like the title- it conjures eerie images that send shivers down the spine. I also love the concept. It is a wonderfully intriguing idea, fraught with potential.You are really onto something good.
As for advice, nothing I have to say is an original idea- I am passing along suggestions I use with my students and in my own writing, which came to me courtesy of an awesome book by Harry Noden called Image Grammar. I bought it years ago, in 2000. Not sure if he has an updated edition, but the first edition is an excellent resource.
Noden's premise was that writers should write like a film director directs. Meaning, use your words like a director uses a camera. Focus on something in your writing and zoom in on it so the reader sees exactly what you want him to see. For example, the italicized section describing the nightmare. Zoom in on those dead trees. As a reader, I can't see them yet. Are they pine trees? Oak trees? Are they lining a pathway, in a cluster?
So perhaps you might try "...dead trees, gnarled branches grasping and reaching..." Or, maybe the trees aren't all that active :)
Anyway, I have always thought this was great advice, and it really did improve my writing, as well as that of my students.
I hope my feedback is helpful, and kudos to you for starting something that has such appeal!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Just so you know, I am new to writing.com, and this is my first review. I explored several submissions before settling on a piece to review, and your story intrigued me.

You have a talent for just-right description- that clear, direct lens you focus on your subject so the reader sees it as clearly as you do. I have spent a lot of time in Wyoming, and your description is beautifully accurate.
Your similes are great "...like a heavy clinging cloak..." .
I have a weakness for alliteration, which you use sparingly and effectively, "lonely lizards," for example.

If I had one suggestion (and the English teacher in me can't leave well enough alone) I would direct your attention to sentences in which you might cut a few words without affecting the meaning. I think it might tighten the focus of that wonderful lens of yours. For example, in the 6th paragraph, you write "...surveying the scene which lay before him through the..." I propose cutting the phrase "which lay before him". One of my editing strategies is to read aloud, and to my ear, cutting out that phrase just sounded better.Of course, my ear is just that- MY ear.
To conclude, I really enjoyed your piece, and was disappointed I didn't get another scene with Ned returning to the mountain. I hope you consider developing this tale further. I would love to read more! Thank you for sharing.
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