This is the review I posted in our LLL forum. I thought I'd post it in your port, too, so that I could give you an overall rating as well. 4.5 Nice Job
This is a really fun and interesting piece. I love your characters. You’ve been very careful to keep their personalities separate from each other. I had no trouble with Sarran’s multiple names and completely understand the reason for his choice in choosing to use different names. I wonder, however, if you started this story in the right place. It seems to me that there is so much backstory, so much past vital information that we need to be shown, that you’d be better to back up and show us all that detail. Of course, this might be a second book, or even a third. If you decide to seek publication for this book first, however, there is no guarantee a publisher will buy a series. Therefore, you should include these scenes in the first book you seek to publish. Write a chapter each on Sarran as Sarran with Rybolt, and also as Wrath fighting and escaping. Make this chapter the third in the book. Great pasts such as Sarran’s should never be told in a flashback, but shown in a scene.
Your story begins with a redundant phrase. Exhaustion prevailed is the same as Sleep overwhelmed.
The nightmare is well thought out, but is difficult to read. Nightmares, by their very nature are difficult to read. Break up those long sentences to make it easier on your readers. Senses are needed even in dreams and nightmares because they are happening in the current time. I know Sarran smells the wolf’s breath and incorporates it into his nightmare, but it seems very out of place under water. You should somehow make his nightmare move to land. Perhaps you did, and I missed it (which means you need to clarify it more). It might do well to infer more about the nanos (actually clarify more).
I had a hard time following which was the Point-of-View Character. You seemed to bounce in and out of almost everyone, including the author. If you mean to be omniscient, you shouldn’t be in anybody’s head at all. I think that many times you meant to be in Sarran’s head, but it didn’t come across very well. If the reader can’t bond, they won’t care and will quit reading. Once you decide on your POV character (and it should be Sarran) give us his thoughts, his feelings, his fears, his hates, his loves, his passions and all of his senses. The reader will want to know exactly what it felt like to have another body bound to him, or how he can tell the youth has a distrust of blithe assurance (when all the reader sees is that the youth is willing to go along). Stuff like that.
If you decide to flip back and forth between POV characters, ok. But separate them better.
You use a lot of clichés and cliché sounding phrases. Nix those. You can write better without them. They are for lazy people only, and I don’t think you’re one of those.
Take your manuscript, print it out, and highlight all the ‘be’ verbs. Now highlight all the verbs that stand in the place of ‘be’ verbs (it stood against the wall = was against the wall, became thrust upon him = was thrust upon him, regarded him with hostility = were hostile). These words are indicators of telling only. It’s easy to fix. Go to each one and ask, “How?” Write that instead (yes, instead). You’re writing a novel, get carried away and write several sentences if necessary. “How” is the beginning of showing, so are senses (which I see you try to make use of, good job).
Pick four or five important points you want to make in this chapter and make them into micro-scenes. Draw them out to make the reader pause right there and spend time with it. You want those points to be like a long lingering bell toll. Tell everything you can about each point. Personally, I think the nightmare ought to be one of them, but that’s just my opinion.
I think you’ve probably rewritten this story several times. I would guess that it’s the story of your heart. You know, THE ONE. No matter what, you care more about this story than the rest. Don’t lose faith. I know of several popular authors that completely rewrite their entire manuscript at least 20 times before they’re even ready to edit it. Fixing these things, once you know how, can be a simple process. Just take it one step at a time.
I’ll be happy to take a look at this again when you’ve done your changes. I think most of us in this group would. It really is a fine story, and I’m excited about reading it.
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