This is a beautiful tribute, absolutely lovely, rich with fine, peaceful imagery. I feel love radiating off this piece; every word feels like it was chosen instinctually to represent the deep love you have for your aunt and her memory. To tie this in with an over-arching theme of making sure to take time out, to be at peace and appreciate each other only makes a personal piece like this, universal.
I enjoyed reading your poem, despite the fact that it reads so melancholy! (This is obviously what you're going for so well done.) The imagery is very profound and speaks volumes beyond what is recorded in this poem. A whole story opens up after reading this which is what makes it so intriguing for me. I particularly like the "wisp of words." Very pensive, imploring, perturbed.
The only bit I wasn't too fond of was the extended ellipses at the end; in a way I think it detracts from the poem because it seems like it doesn't belong. Personally I believe a normal ellipses would tie the poem up nicely, bringing it back to the first line. Obviously that's just a stylistic preference though and you probably (and rightfully) feel otherwise!
This poem is fantastically evocative -- exactly the way I like poetry. Here's a snapshot within a photo. I can picture the individual at the end of the poem actually standing in the scene you've created. Wonderful technique, don't know if it was intended or not. The way you have matched the tone/rhythm to the content is really effective. I like a poem I can read over and over and really feel and this is one of those.
One thing that popped out at me, a minor error: I think it should be "its" no "it's" in the last line of the third stanza.
way to draw the reader in immediately! from the first sentence i was hooked, trying to puzzle out what was going on before you revealed the twist. i think this is pretty creative and there's not a lot that i didn't like about it. it's sort of like a darker, modern "dorothy" situation. probably the only change i would make would be so minor most might disregard it:
"I knew all the details now; It was late at night, thunder storming. I knew it was December 22nd, 2010. I had been driving home from a Christmas party at a friend’s house. I rounded a corner, and I saw the headlights."
this really small adjustment fixes a little tense confusion but of course it's your story and it's up to you!
a review for a review! you have a nice, clean, uncluttered style of writing which is really refreshing. i really liked this piece of writing, particularly the taxi story. you really captured the ridiculousness of the situation. i could picture your taxi driver taking the mick out of you (pulling your leg, etc) and the fun that he was having, the impish grin, that sort of thing! it's one of those stories that people DON'T want to fall asleep themselves while being told when you get back home. love it.
hope you tipped him! haha
keep writing,
silverfern
look, i really love the way you have closed off this piece of writing, the story comes to a very satisfying conclusion while still leaving it open-ended enough for us to wonder about peter's story. i think the premise is absolutely lovely and wholesome and allegorical and i really enjoyed it. you're really on to a great idea here, the only criticisms i have are stylistic. i think that the themes and plot of your short story are absolutely superb!!
i guess as an example of what i mean by stylistically... "waist high" seems kind of irrelevant to the detail. also, the sentence "Taking her mouse brown hair out of her bun" seems really forced, like you're forcing yourself to put in physical details about your character so the readers know what she looks like. i think it would be a little more natural to say something like "Her mousey hair fell in waves as it shook it from its bun while she reopened her door to yell down the stairs..."
there also seems to be a lot of "and"s in this piece that could be snipped out by adjusting the verbs after them, eg "and looked" to "looking" or "and shut" to "shutting" if you get my jist.
there are some minor editing stitch-ups that are needed throughout, too. a lot of telling rather than showing going on: instead of telling me the phone rang and she went to pick it up, show me. "Jill reached the phone just in time to catch her mother, calling her from her house across the street, on the end of the line" or something. those are the major things, you could do some brushing up but that's all style.
i hope you take this criticism constructively and not harshly. like i said, i am really very impressed by your story, in a way that i was able to overcome any little hiccups along the way. i think if you fine tune this you're in with a fantastic story. i'd love to read it again if you choose to polish it up!!
wow, there's a lot of hate here! i can truly feel the passion, the bitterness behind it. it was a really good technique to bring attention to the word HATE in this piece, it really drives home the intensity of the feeling.
the sixth line is too long, it doesn't fit in with the shape of your poem and thus disrupts the rythym. i'm sure you could think of something more powerful than the cliche "cold as ice" to describe the feeling of hate as well. get creative, use the idea of passionate hatred to think outside the square in your imagery! also i personally prefer punctuation in a poem but if you don't think that's necessary then that's cool, it's not a big deal obviously.
cheers, keep writing
silverfern
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