I'm far from a poet my friend but that was a fantastic read. Very much enjoy what you've done. I don't want to say too much in terms of making improvement for I find really am not very poetically minded.
Great work either way. Keep on writing and rhyming.
Hey! Great little story. Grammar is great and I like the introduction. The part that throws me off a little is where you have said "but my favourite is a departure for Cash.My favourite song is A Boy Named Sue.
Could be my own lack of knowledge on Johnny Cash but I found myself rereading this phrase. At first I was under the impression that "a departure for Cash" was your favourite.
Then you follow specifying your favourite song and I was a little confused. If you are trying to say that it is a song Johnny Cash did not write then I would say there might be a less confusing way to write it.
I'll start off by saying I enjoyed the read. A good length for reviewing. If there's one thing that stands out to me the most as being possibly unrealistic was the speed in which the shots hit and the reference to the 'excess of alcohol'. Considering it was her first drink I'd hardly call it excess and although strong I don't feel a shot would kick in so quickly as to have her spinning almost instantly which is the feel I got from reading it. I'm very open to the idea that yes, it could quite possibly be that the alcohol is drugged as well but I feel if that was the case a small line such as "I'd never had a shot before but the speed in which it hit me was cause for suspicion"
This coming from someone who can remember his first drinks very well from many years ago.
Your descriptions are great and your story had me thinking NO! Don't go back inside!
I'm only a new writer so don't take my opinion too strongly. It's just how I felt reading your piece and I'd be interested in seeing how the rest of the story goes.
I enjoyed the story, especially the twist at the end, I certainly didn't expect it. I feel like it could use a little more suspense but it is difficult to create it with such a small word limit. I could go into details on certain phrasing having but then it would once again rely on an increased word limit. But it was well done for what you've been given. Clever way to use your Key words too.
Keep it up
Skogar
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/skogar
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 5:45pm on May 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
