*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/squeak
Review Requests: ON
67 Public Reviews Given
117 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (3.0)
What an intriguing story you have going here! I realize this is a chapter in a longer piece but from just this chapter I am intrigued to know more about the Black Star Army, the Way Back People and the Primogenitor. As I am jumping in mid-story, one of the questions that arises is what is this world exactly like? And I trust these aspects are addressed in earlier pieces but I love the intrigue! Nicely done! This review will instead focus on this one chapter and not the bigger plot or character arc aspects.

From reading this, I did want to provide some constructive feedback that you can take or leave of course as per our goals with this piece. However I am an avid reader, love reviewing and if this can be helpful for you – then fantastic! 😊 If not looking to make any changes or improvements, then obviously ignore or take from this what you want.

Dialogue Tags:

For me, this chapter was a bit frustrating as a reader, to get through due to the varied dialogue tags primarily. The character Jay was labeled as the young scholar, bespectacled girl, ringleader, and then all repeated to various degrees throughout this one chapter. When writing, sometimes dialogue tags can seem dull and need a little sprucing up perhaps, but when reading – the dialogue tags are not the key element of having dialogue to move along your story. It is the dialogue itself. In this way, by switching up how you refer to each character so much in one chapter is more akin to testing the reader as to who is saying what. My personal opinion, is go ahead and make your dialogue tags simple. If you want to describe one of the characters then do that but not every third dialogue tag, we do not need to be reminded that Jay wears glasses. In comparison, when reading Harry Potter – Harry was described at one point early on as wearing glasses and this was not directly mentioned again (for the most part). Instead his glasses were an obvious part of him so if something happened and they broke, or his glasses went askew or he couldn’t see until he put his glasses on, etc. but he was not referred to as the bespectacled boy throughout the story because we (the reader) knew that he wore glasses and we already had our own mental image of this character.

For example:

Original: ““So good to see you guys,” the bespectacled girl greeted her companions as she rode up on her bike. “My mom went out to go get supplies and my dad is swamped at work. How’d you manage?””

Example: “So good to see you guys,” Jay said, pulling off her glasses and cleaning them vigorously with a corner of her Led Zeplin shirt before donning them again. “My mom went out to get supplies. Dad is swamped at work. How’d you manage?”

Notes: While this might not seem like the most exciting dialogue tag, it also shows the reader something more about Jay. What kind of shirt would she be wearing? Would she have a Led Zeplin shirt or what would it be? And for anyone who has worn glasses their entire life (like myself), they would be well aware of the need to clean your glasses daily. Also I took the liberty of shortening the dialogue itself. More on that below, but in short – how would a teenager actually talk? Complete sentences would not be a thing all the time I am sure. And if she is excited at all – the shorter the sentence, the better. Reading your dialogue out loud can be helpful. 😊


Dialogue:

There is a lot of dialogue in this one chapter being used to move the story forward. My general recommendation is to read through the dialogue out loud and see how it sounds. Does it make sense? Is this how three teenage girls would be talking? And more importantly, is this how these three teenage girls would be talking? And then same for the guys. Also, would recommend sticking to the standard of new dialogue starts on a new line as well. There are many filler words that could be removed to tighten up the dialogue a bit if interested. For example ‘that’ is used quite a bit and not always needed.

Original: I said that I wanted to spend some time with you after being gone all summer, Bian texted on her phone.
Example: I said I wanted to spend some time with you after being gone all summer, Bian texted on her phone.

If a word can be removed from a sentence and the meaning is not changed, then that might be a filler word that could be removed. I know I do this a lot in my own writing and have to go back and remove a lot of words.

Chapter Goals
If I were to describe this chapter, I would say that the goal of this chapter was for Jay to get to the cave. The fact that she wanted to include her friends is a nice touch. However the introduction of two new characters, at this point, to me is a bit unknown. Assuming they become key side characters as the story progresses. However if this is their first introduction to the story, I would recommend a bit more. For example, is ‘The Heir’ talked about previously in an earlier chapter? If so then great, but if this is the first mention of the ‘The Heir’, aka Warren (again, simple dialogue tags instead of rotating between the heir, Warren, etc. would be great. Same example of Harry Potter – you don’t read dialogue tags of ‘The Chosen One’ throughout the books, it is simply Harry. And you just know that he is the Chosen One.) then I would go into a bit more detail.

Original: “With camera in hand, the young man made his way towards the nature trail, only to stop when he saw Warren sitting beneath a nearby tree. The richest student in school was lost in thought as he perused his phone, but Davide was struck by the way the light broke through the branches and covered the heir in sun and shadows. It was picture-perfect, like something out of a movie—except unlike a movie, the photographer did not take a candid photo. The last thing he needed was to be called a creep by one of his new classmates, even if it turned out to be a lovely picture.

Instead, the massive football star walked over to the oblivious student and tapped him on the shoulder. Before Davide could even get a word in though, Warren jumped in his seat and dropped his phone to the ground. The athlete was quick to apologize and pick up the phone, “My bad, my bad. Let me get that for you.” “

Example: “Davide’s lumbering stride faltered as he realized he was not the only one in the park at this hour. Sitting under a lone elm was none other than Warren Hess, the sole heir to the Hess dynasty. Davide’s head swiveled around looking for bodyguards, drivers, or perhaps undercover patrol that normally followed Warren around. To his astonishment there was no one else to be seen. After years of being in the same grade as Warren, Davide has never seen this rich kid alone – and at a time like this!

Although just then things didn’t seem so din and gloomy like the world was going to end. The sun glinted through the leaves and played across warren’s jet black hair and upturned collar. The distinction between positive and negative space as half of Warren’s face remained in shadow, made Davide imagine what this image would look like in black and white. If only he could snap a photo without being noticed, but he didn’t need to be labeled as a creep as well as a jock.
Instead Davide reached Warren in two strides and tapped him on the shoulder as somehow his bulky 6’ 3” frame had gone unnoticed. Warren jumped and dropped his gold phone in the process, staring up at Davide bewildered.

“My bad, my bad. Let me get that for you,” Davide apologized. “

>>As you can see I added some random info that might cross through one’s mind seeing ‘The Heir’ by themselves in a park. Added just a few details to give a glimpse of what Warren looks like. Also, just a note but another example of information to provide – is it important for the reader to kno. w that Davide is a football player? Does this move the story forward? Is this essential? Perhaps mentioned his frame, build and being labeled a jock is enough to give the reader a sense of this aspect of Warren because maybe it’s not critical to the story. Just another example.


Description:

As a reader, I knew a park was the setting but I had no real great imagery of this park. Were there Elm trees? Is it Fall and the maples are blazing red or the birch trees are golden? Is it winter time and the cool air is causing noses to go red? Is there a street nearby with the dull noise of cars in the distance? Are there birds chirping or the crows are pecking at the unattended garbage bins?

Also, the trail to the cave seems very easy. It makes me wonder why hasn’t Jay been there in so long? Perhaps add an obstacle? Or at least add a false scare (the uninhabited transient area or such) for some suspense perhaps? There is a lot of room for descriptions and more prose. Show the reader the area. Show the reader the cave.


Other notes:

Added in the description of ‘The Latina’ or ‘The Vietnamese girl’ seemed a bit out of place. Goes back to – is this information necessary for this part of the story? Was this already mentioned before? These extraneous descriptions tended to bring me out of the story whereas a short description of the surrounding area would have been very welcome. Hope that makes sense. Keep the reader in the moment.



Hope this was helpful as I do think this story is very intriguing and has a lot going for it! From this one chapter, it was a bit difficult to get a good glimpse at motives, plot, etc. but hoping the information above is helpful in one way or another! 😊 Keep writing! And if interested, would be happy to review more of your work in this story. Cheers!!

Happy Writing,

Squeak


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Squeak
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Yes! Loving this prospective novel and the plot you have started here. Very intriguing premise and it kind of gave me vibes similar to The Client by John Grisham -- you know? Just in the sense that you have a character who knows information and probably shouldn't and might struggle with doing the right thing while also not wanting to put their own neck out there and draw attention to themselves. Also a detective who doesn't normally take on a certain kind of case but then does.. but yours is definitely unique and very different premise. :) If you have not read that book previously, it may or may not be a welcome aside. ;) I know some writers like to avoid similar work when writing so they do not subconsciously pull from that piece instead of allowing their own creativity to go wild.

As requested, I am not including specific notes on spelling, grammar, or incorrect words (although there are a handful which could probably be easily caught with a re-read when you have time). A few of them are a bit distracting in the read so I would recommend going back through to fix some, such as after Mallory leaves it reads like you are calling Chris a she even after you have established it is a 'he' Chris.

However back to the plot and big picture of this story. I am under the assumption that as this is a novel beginning, even these segments might be expanded upon to some extent. One recommendation related to this would to help make that first transition from Mallory's POV to the cop's a bit easier. It is a bit confusing currently and at least one transition sentence would be great before launching into dialogue such as:

The door clicked behind the psychic and he could hear her heels clipping brusquely across the concrete of the hallway.
--then launch into dialogue--

Just one example to help let the reader catch up to where you are at.

Going back to my assumption that this prospective novel start might be expanded upon, etc. is the lack of a clear sense of time. Mallory waited a week at least to come into the station. Then not sure when the boy's mom sought out the detective but when the detective meets Zeke -poof- suddenly a few months has passed by. As it currently stands, it leaves the reader with a sense of a huge time gap. Also, if expanding upon these pieces then you could include more showing instead of telling when introducing the characters.

Overall I think you have a great thing going here and you definitely have a very fast temp currently going. Almost too fast which is also where you can expand and build up this story by not just introducing each character right after the other but putting in a scene in between or such - but your intro scenes are nice! Just a matter of really getting your character agency sorted out, maybe get a time scale put together in conjunction with your outline to really weave your various POVs together nicely. I can imagine it could get a bit tricky going between three primary characters and then launching into psychic moments could also make things even trickier. So really making an effort to keep a good balance between keeping the tempo up but also not losing the reader will be key.

With the three primary characters you have going, it was nice to see a fairly distinct sense of self for each of them. You did a great job of showing the reader more about them so we could begin to get to know them. I would look for more of that as you progress your story.

Overall looking great! 4.5 stars instead of 5 because I cannot ignore some of the hard to read sentences due to wrong word choice etc. If you want a critique on these elements, do let me know. :) Cheers and happy writing!! Excited to see where this story goes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very interesting read! Especially with a protagonist who, as the reader, we are trying to identify with turns out to be not what one would think in the end!

My favorite lines were: "With every step, he inched back to the computer, his digital mistress. The machine called like a siren, singing that same tune that brings men to their knees." I really liked the references and descriptions used here.

For me, this paragraph was a bit confusing: "Another round of knocking shattered his focus. He had to make a choice: obey or rebel. Another round of knocking shattered his focus. He had to make a choice: obey or rebel. Both options spark in Mark's thoughts, and then, finally, he made his choice. He paid the warning no mind and approached the source of the excessive knocking. The computer's luminous screen kept the darkness at bay, trying to lull him back, but he rejected the screen's attractive gleam. The warning flashed through his head like a caution light, but he pushed forward, opening the door to a cold, expansive abyss. There was no one there, only an all- consuming void."

I think you did a good job here for describing the digital pull he is having but perhaps making a few slight tweaks or expand this one sentence could really add to the moment and emphasize the internal struggle that is happening here: "Both options spark in Mark's thoughts, and then, finally, he made his choice."

Example: He twitched uncontrollably as he propelled himself toward the door - to obey or rebel. But this was absurd - his head jerked back to the warning once more before making his decision.

Perhaps not the most clean writing but just an example of how you could expand on this moment as it does seem like the pivotal moment for Mark in this short story. This is your climax - his decision to rebel and go against what he is programmed or what he is told. I feel like it deserves a bit more attention.

Overall - the end definitely gave me the creepy crawlies just because the idea of wires and fluids and.. thinking that Mark was a human up until this point my imagination got the better of me and you did a great job with this surprise ending!

Cheers and happy writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Ocean Moon  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful poem! Love how you incorporated the elements of the tidal surf from the natural environment to the animals that call that area home. I think my only comment (if you are looking to update or make any changes) would be to incorporate the moon once more instead of just in the beginning. And my thinking for this revolves around the line:

"continent versus sea."

This would be a great opportunity to bring up the moon again as it is the moon that causes tidal bulges while the continent really has no impact on the tide and instead is impacted on by the tide. I am not sure how you could change this line specifically but if you wanted to tie the moon in more, I think this would be the line to do so and I think it would be most appropriate rather than the continent.

Overall - really enjoyed this poem! Wonderful writing and best wishes! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Squeak
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Just got done reading your story and I think it is very creative. You do a good job of tying some very different ideas together into a coherent plot. The basic plot is very unique and pretty well thought out. There were a few other areas that could really use some work including characters. The characters do not seem very well developed and could use some work. General grammar could use some touch up and basically just a read through and edit would help with a lot of them I am sure.

The story seemed rushed a little in the end when it suddenly seemed that Jimmy and Dick had actually been to the same boarding school together. This seemed out of the blue and I may have not caught it earlier on or maybe it was not mentioned earlier and may have been meant to be a surprise. This may work too. Certain details about the guards having toy guns and not realizing it, along with other details during various part of this story do make it more unrealistic at times.

Overall I think you have a great plot and a great idea. At the same time, this story reads more like a well developed outline and needs a lot more work before it can be a fully coherent story with well developed characters and without gaps in plotlines. Through the style of writing that you do express in this story I would like to recommend a book, "The Blue Nowhere" by Jeffery Deaver. It is a novel by a bestselling author about a computer hacker. I thought of this book while reading your story because I think your story could be just as intriguing as this book, The Blue Nowhere was. There are some great tricks you can pick up on in that book that you could use in your own story such as short, quick sentences when trying to build tension. As well as describing someone's computer identity as well as there real identity and tying those together so the reader can associate with a well-developed character.

I think this story is a great first step in the right direction with a creative and working plot. If you choose to continue to mold the story and develop the characters, structure and settings for the story then I think this would be something really great. Good writing is usually always about further developing of a work in progress and its all about taking the time to make it even better. Good job and keep up the good writing!
6
6
Review by Squeak
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
All I can say is wow, very intriguingI That ending just really puts things inperspective for this poor guy. Great story content, a few thoughts on the writing itself. A re-read may help to catch some parts missing punctuation mainly during his flashback scene. You may also want to re-read for consistancy of past and present tense. I was able to follow the flashback fairly well, it was as the man was leaving the bar and then you switch to him arriving at the graveyard. 'The scene changes' fits with this style of writing however the reader is left watching this story at arms length the entire time. That may be why it is so intriguing because the reader is only catching a glimpse it seems of what is really going on here. (For future writing if you want to experiment with bringing the reader in, front and center I would like to recommend "Show Don't Tell" , this is something I am trying to work on so just thought I would pass it on as well)

One part of this story that seemed unrealistic to me was the minor detail of the amount of the fare. Reading this, it appeared that this guy got a cab ride from Los Angeles to Ohio, correct? That would be way more than $30 and if this is not correct then you may want to re-read and adjust the last paragraph as necessary. This part of the story also has some shifts in past and present tense which seem unnatural. Also, the reader is left wondering, why the secrecy? Why the long cab ride? What's in Ohio? I think this could be a great start to a further story if you are wishing to ocntinue with it. As it stands, the content is good with some grammar editing needed as already noted. I think this is a nicely written piece and really grabs the readers attention and makes them want to know more. Good job and write on! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
7
7
Review of Road Rage  
Review by Squeak
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I had to smile when reading this poem. I think a lot of people have experienced something similar and have wished to react and you did a good job of jumping right into the heart of the situation. I also think you made good use of the prompt for Writer's Cramp by repeating it throughout-it adds some continuity to the poem. I think this continuity works especially well due to how you wrote the poem just how an agitated driver would be thinking. The short sentences give a sense of action which is very appropriate. Your rhyming scheme is also great and overall I think this is a nicely written, fun poem about road rage. Good job and keep up the good work! Write on!
8
8
Review of Feathers  
Review by Squeak
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting story and quite honestly a 'tease' of sorts-you can really expand on this. This is a great story starter as it stands and you do a good job of getting the reader to relate to the boy instantly. It is evident that he doesn't know what wings are and yet he has wings. He is chained up and yet he doesn't know why and thus the reader doesn't know either. One spot that could be worked on a bit to make the reader jump right into the boys perspective would be to maybe tweak the beginning.

The tips of my wings trailed on the ground behind me leaving streaks in the dust. At least I think they are called wings.

He's not even sure they are wings and he doesn't really know what wings are so maybe he would describe them and not use the term 'wings' but lead up to the fact that he thinks they are called wings. Just a thought though; this is fine as it stands. I would re-read for small grammar and missing words but otherwise this is good. Like I said before, it is also a tease though. This boy with wings has just escaped! Where is he going? What is he doing? Who is Michel and why did he chain up Robert? And who is the random fat guy that freed him? So many questions, so many options, write on! *Smile* Nice job and keep up the good work!
9
9
Review by Squeak
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for having this piece available for fellow writers! I am in the process of rewriting some old stories for the exact reason of fixing them so they "show don't tell". Thank you again!
10
10
Review of Sparks  
Review by Squeak
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed your great descriptions and your creative word choice. You did a good job of intriguing the reader and bringing emotion to this piece. I also thought it was great that as a reader I felt in touch with the characters even though dialogue was to a minimum. You showed me what was going on rather than telling me-great job and keep up the good work!
11
11
Review of Just a Farmer  
Review by Squeak
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I loved this poem! I was curious how farming was going to tie into writing, and you did a beautifule job! Nice rhythm and great word choice. A very enjoyable read-nice job!

*Check4*Favorite Parts
I must say that my favorite part was the last stanza:

So with one book as my cash cow
A lonely farmer here I sit.
I try to write but just know how
to milk the cow and shovel s***.

I like how you tied it all together at the end!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review of Introduction  
Review by Squeak
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I think this is a good start and makes the reader wonder why the boy has to leave, and why for a year? All of these questions that would make the reader want to read more-nicely done.

*Check4*Favorite Parts
I like how you begin right into the story, plunging the reader into your plot. Also, this introduction leaves the reader with questions as I mentioned before, this is good for an introduction as it is meant to be a gateway into the longer piece. Nicely done.

*Check4*Characters
From this introduction the reader is aware of a girl and boy as the two main characters. They seem to be in high school with the mention of prom and then going to the University. Seniors perhaps? Or Juniors?

*Check4*Plot
The plot is unknown at this point, as this is just an introduction. So far the reader is aware of a continuing theme of the boy leaving for a year at a time.

*Check4*Dialogue
Your dialogue seems good in this piece. I don't get a good sense of the emotion that the characters are feeling from the dialogue, but reading it, it seems true to the assumed age of the characters.

*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your story. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

This piece shows promise of a good start to your story. There is one general thing that I would like to comment on concerning your writing: I understand that this is an introduction which entails of brief, to the point and that's that. However-you are laying out what could be a very emotional scene for the reader and yet, I don't get a good sense of the emotion. If you re-read over your descriptions they seem a little bland, in need of spicing up a bit to add some character to this writing. For example,

He took her hand in his. She turned to him, "I don't want you to go." You describe tears with this, but what about a shaky voice? Did he just take her hand or did he caress her hand? Did she just turn to him, or did her blue eyes turned to meet his tender gaze?

Don't just take the reader through the steps, show the reader what is happening. Better yet, paint a picture clearly in the reader's mind. *Smile* And on this same note, looking back over this scene, I don't see any exclamation points after any dialogue. Wouldn't this girl be completely devastated? Desperate perhaps? Raising her voice in anguish perhaps? Throw some more emotion in there and you will indeed hook your reader. *Smile*

Overall I think you have a nice start here-keep up the good writing and good luck with your continuing piece!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this was a beautifully written poem that speaks such truth to at least one past relationship that I can personally relate to. You have a great word choice throughout this piece and as a reader, I do not even notice that this poem may be brief in length, because it speaks volumes. Nice job!


*Check4*Favorite Parts
It is hard to choose just one favorite part, but I do especially like how you end this poem, these last two lines:

I have felt the power of our unspoken connection, that I can’t deny
But when I come down from my cloud I start to wonder… why?



Awesome writing! Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review of The Mirage  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this was an emotional poem that tugs at the reader's heart-nicely done! You are able to pick up the poetic rhythm as the poem progresses. Your repetition adds to the girls thoughts and allows the reader to feel what she is feeling.

*Check4*Favorite Parts
I especially love your ending:
The father I'd thought I'd found was nothing.
Just a mirage in the mist.

Beautiful description, mirage in the mist.

*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your story/poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

I think this poem is nicely done, my only suggestion for other poems is try to use more great descriptions like your last line, throughout the entire poem. Word choice is everything in a poem where your words are limited. Overall-nicely done!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this story was great! You did a great job with your word choice and made each word count for this fash fiction.

*Check4*Favorite Parts
I especially liked this line: Every day he arrived at school with his mind a confused, prepubescent mix of dread and anticipation

Great description!

*Check4*Characters
The 8 year old boy and girl, Bobby and Amanda.

*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your story/poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

There was only one thing in the first line of this story that seemed missing:

Few things are more frightening to an eight year old boy than a old girl with a crush on him

It seems like you forgot to put eight in front of how old the girl was.

Overall I loved this story! It's cute and very enjoyable to read! Nice job!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review of to my bestfriend  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this poem included nice emotion and descriptions!

*Check4*Favorite Parts
I especially liked:
you are the one who i adore..
you are my core..

Nice word choice and nice descriptions to end with.


*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

There are quite a few "what's" in this poem that seem to be out of place. To me, I would replace them with the word "that", it seems to make more sense. Overall-nice job!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
Review of my air  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this poem was full of emotion from one friend pleading with two other friends. You did a good job of getting the reader involved with the emotions and the silly fight that took place. It seems the friendship was on the brink before this silly fight but it is hard for the reader to tell for sure. But it is evident to the reader that you do not want this friendship to go away-nice job!


*Check4*Favorite Parts
I thought these lines especially had a lot of emotion:
Tell me who else understood me better than you... Just tell me who?!
Who always made my day easy to get through?


*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

There is one spelling error I found: When I think about all what happened between us. What should be that. Over all I think you did a good job with your descriptions and capitalizations. Nice job!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
Review of my bestfriend  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
This is a nice poem written about a best friend. It has a descent rhyming scheme that adds rhythm to the poem.

*Check4*Favorite Parts
My favorite lines were:
i'll never forget you..
i'll never forget that.
the things we've been through..
will forever last..

There always seems to be moments that take place that continuously come up in discussion between best friends, and down the road, they become the "good 'ol days" that the two of you continue to look back on and smile. *Smile*



*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

I think this poem could easily be spiced up a bit with some unique descriptions that sets this best friend apart. What do these two friends enjoy doing most? What do they have in common? There is one stanza that did not seem to flow well to me:

you're my bestfriend...
you got my memories..
we have no end..
our friendship is bigger than the seven seas.

The other stanzas seem to follow a distinct pattern of continuing one thought. This stanza seems to not be as well connected. Is it because the best friend has the memories that there is no end and the friendship is bigger than the seven seas?

Those are just some suggestions if you care to add to this poem. All-in-all I thought you did a nice job of describing a close friendship.


Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of someone special  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this was a touching poem about the person you love. You did a good job of describing why you love this person and how much you love this person. Nicey done. *smie*


*Check4*Favorite Parts
I like this description best:
life goes by very fast..
our story is like a movie and we're the cast..

It seems that there are times when life does feel just like a movie and the cast are those closest to you. Nice description.


*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

You did a nice job writing and I would just recommend going back and capitalizing all of your "i's" to "I's" where appropriate. Also you have one line that seems to be hanging out there: you blow my world.. you represent every love word.. It seems that you represent every... needs to go down to the next line.

All-in-all I thought this poem had good descriptions and good word choice. Nice job!


Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Review of I Cry  
Review by Squeak
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
This is a brief but emotional poem that gives the reader a glimpse of what the main character is feeling. I was unsure of your use of repetition (I cry, I cry, I cry, etc.) however it does add a nice rhythm to the poem.

*Check4*Favorite Parts
I like these two lines best:
I'm dizzy, I'm scared, I'm lonely and afraid
He was my life this wasn't a charade

I like your use of the word charade. It breaks up the repetition and adds new light to your descriptions.

*Check4*Characters
The man who left and presumably the girl who he left.

*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

A suggestion if you want to, is to add on to this poem. Continue by letting the reader know what happened and why this girl is heartbroken. Is she upset with the man?

All-in-all this is a nice poem though!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Review of The Little Girl  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your poem and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this was a nice poem and I ike your rhyming scheme that you include. This poem is a little sad but it has a good ending that lets the reader know that the little girl will be taken care of.


*Check4*Favorite Parts
I especially like these lines:
She clings to me to keep her safe
In my neck she buries her face

This gives a great visual to the reader of this little girl and shows us her feelings.

*Check4*Characters
This poem includes the little girl and her rescuer. The little girl seems to be the main character in this poem, even though the rescuer defines themself as many different things (smart, brave, aive, caring, etc.), it is the little girl that the reader really connects with.

*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your story/poem. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

I think you did a nice job with this poem. My ony suggestion is to try to characterize the rescuer a little more and make them stand out as an individual. Did the little girl have faith in the rescuer to bring her home? If so, then why? Is this person a policeman? Fireman? Family member? Just an idea!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good writing and have a great day!

Squeak

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review of The Rubik's Cube  
Review by Squeak
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak! I enjoyed reading your piece and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
I thought this was a great analogy of a rubik's cube and what makes you, you. This is a very original way of describing the different "faces" of your personality and life and how they come together to form yourself. It is always interesting, trying to define one's self. And there is no one word that will do-each person is too unique for that. I think you describe yourself as a well-balanced individual who is both an introvert and extrovert, depending on the circumstances. And I am sure there is even more than what you descibe here as you discover more. It is a continuing quest to discover more about yoruself. *Smile* I always thought so at least...

*Check4*Spelling
There were only two words that I noticed may be able to be changes.
..intangible things and love ones than.. it seems that the word love could be loved.
..whatever sane or inane things they say.. it seems that the word inane could be insane here, perhaps.

All in all I thought this was an original piece-nice job! Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of Shandi's Dream  
Review by Squeak
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, this is Squeak*Snow3*! I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to take a moment to share with you my thoughts.

*Check4*General Impressions
This is an intriguing story that grabs the reader’s attention from the start. The beginning does a good job of starting in the thick of things and you nicely keep the motion going. There were a few rough transitions in this story that make it a little difficult for the reader to follow. However you do a good job of keeping this story intriguing as the reader continuously learns more about the characters, and surroundings as the story unfolds.

*Check4*Favorite Parts
My favorite parts are your awesome descriptions! You use adjectives like it’s nobodies business and they are all original.

*Star*The joy and passion she felt for her life were suddenly boundless—she was a jaguar striding freely in the Amazon; she was a snow-white dove taking off into the blue-green air; she was Shandi, riding with Josh, the love of her life. {/e:star}

While this sentence could probably be broken up into multiple sentences (grammar is not my strong point), this is a perfect example of your excellent descriptions that I thought were great throughout this piece! Very nice job!

*Check4*Characters
We get to know the main character right away-Shandi, no last name. You get the impression that she is unique and could be called a rebel but she is strong willed.

Josh is introduced shortly after as that perfectly looking tall, dark and handsome but rugged with chisel features. You learn more about Josh as the story progresses. He is a caring person yet is connected to precisely what Shandi is running from.

These two characters are nicely contrasting each other in this story. Shandi comes from a rich family, Josh from a poor and yet both are connected by the drug world; one running from it, the other unable to do so.

*Check4*Plot
You do a nice job of progressing the plot. The story begins in the alleyway where Shandi meets Josh. They end up rooming together before moving to another town. You do a great job of telling more about the characters as the story unfolds. Until the climax of Shandi finding Josh’s cocaine. During this ‘scene’ you use those descriptions nicely as you describe Shandi’s reaction to her findings.

*Check4*Setting
The reader gets a general sense for the town in which this story begins and the few stops they make along there way to Castles End. I think you describe the necessary elements that give the reader a sense of where this takes place, nicely done.

*Star*My reviews always contain some suggestions for improvement. However these are just suggestions from one writer to another. You are the best judge of what is right for your story. And don’t let my opinions steer you away from your intended creation.*Star*

*Check4*Other Tidbits
I enjoyed reading this story, but there are just a few suggestions for this piece that I would like to share with you. These are just my opinions.

When reading this story, it is difficult to follow because of a lack of transitions. (I briefly mentioned this in the beginning of my review.) One example is when Shandi and Josh leave the apartment and the next thing they are in the truck speeding down the road, it takes the reader by surprise. And sometimes you may have to re-read a bit just to make sure they are on the right track. An easy way to make this transition easier for the reader is insert a key of some sort to indicate that time has passed. You may notice this in books as well. Sometimes extra spaces is not enough, instead insert a break line:
______________


..between paragraphs so the reader can easily tell when time has passed. You can use stars or other symbols, a line is just a simple suggestion that may not be as distracting. Another visual thing in this piece that I noticed when reading, is that you tend to break up the thoughts periodically. There are not too many definite paragraphs. There are some instances where you write 2-3 sentences and then you start a new paragraph but the thoughts seem to continue. Some of these smaller paragraphs could be kept together to form a larger paragraph. This is just something I noticed while reading and it is more of a style preference than anything. It just makes parts of the story read in a choppy manner instead of smoothly. (Again, a style preference.)

An example of this:

*Star*She sat down on the floor, hard. Swallowing with difficulty, she reached one hand out, and pulled the top drawer open. There was nothing. She grabbed the knob on the second one, and pulled. There was a mess of papers inside, and she stuck her head in and rummaged through them furiously. Nothing. The last drawer.

With a shuddering breath, she slid it open, cautiously, hardly daring to look. A long and flat wooden box was inside it. She took it out. There was a lock on the lid, but it was flimsy.{/e:star}

These two sections could easily be kept together as the ideas continue.

The ending is brief but to the point. I like how you came full circle, and used a piece from the beginning (Shandi, no last name). Nice job!

*Check4*Overall

Overall this is an intriguing story that takes the reader on a journey discovering who these characters are and where they are going. They grow more definite in the reader’s mind as the story unfolds and keeps the reader interested. Nice storyline and nice writing, I really enjoyed this piece!

Thank you so much for sharing this item with WDC members! Keep up the good work and have a great day!

Squeak
WDC Power Raider
23 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/squeak