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45 Public Reviews Given
265 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Gulshan,

Your article makes some insightful observations about the role religion plays in human life on earth, particularly when it comes to the way our species seems to lapse into tribalism so easily. I like your point about how scholars of non-religious subjects aren't divided along communal lines in the way religious scholars often seem to be. It is amusing to imagine, say, academics of rival factions within mathematics and biology living in separate towns and refusing to mix socially or intermarry! On a personal level I agree with the main thrust of your arguments. The only thing I'd add is that, whilst I deplore religious bigotry, I do like to see a brightly multi-coloured world, not a uniform grey one. I'd be sad if we ever got to a stage where everybody practiced spirituality the same way and all the great historical faiths completely died out.

The rating I've given isn't as high as it might have been, because I feel the article isn't quite polished up as well it could be yet. Here are a couple of suggestions, which you can take or leave:

* On the technical side there is room for improvement. At some points, such as near the end of your first paragraph and the beginning of the third, there are excess blank spaces between words. Some of your words need to be split (e.g. "allover" should be "all over"). Some of your sentences need to be looked at again (e.g. "are same in essence" should be "are the same in essence", "christian" should be "Christian", "...it is recognised as far as physical sciences..." should be "...this is recognised as far as physical sciences...").

* Since you are discussing the role of religion in communities, it might be useful for your reader to know what your own community and religious (if any) background is, and what your personal experience has been in terms of the role of religion for you and around you.

* Reconsider your use of the term "spritualism" in your article. I think what you really mean is "spirituality", but when you refer to "spiritualism" some readers may become confused and think you are referring to Spiritualism, a tradition based on the belief that individuals can communicate with the dead.

* Some of your arguments could do with a little more exploration. For example, your fifth paragraph argues people are ignorant of the religions which they only belong to because they were born into them. This is certainly true of a lot of people, but what about cases where individuals move from one religious tradition to another, or where they become very involved with exploring the traditions they've been born into?

Best wishes with your writing,

GreySquirrel *Smile*
2
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Review of I Am the Fallen  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this. I've read many novel things on this website, but I don't think I've read anyone trying to get into the mind of the devil yet! Have you ever read 'The Screwtape Letters' by C.S. Lewis by any chance? It is about a senior demon writing lessons to a junior demon on how best to corrupt people's souls, and reminds me a little of your piece.

Keep up the imaginative work!

GS
3
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Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi farhana,

I found this an informative, thought-provoking and well-written article. Polygamy is something which often conjures up negative associations in the Western mind, but you make a compelling case that in introducing polygamous marriages Islam was replacing a system which ill-used women with a system which gave them a better legal and social status.

Reading your article left a lot of questions in my mind. In introducing polygamy, the founders of Islam were surely reacting to the particular social circumstances of their time. I suppose, though, that one of the issues facing Muslims today is whether the fact that Mohammad supported polygamous marriage in his time should mean that polygamous marriages are suitable for twenty-first century societies today.

Many commentators openly wonder what role even monogamous marriage should have today. Polygamy is frowned upon today by many people because it brings to mind an image of a tyrannical male figure with scores of downtrodden women and children to serve him. Still, if we are to support polygamy, I think it is difficult to justify not permitting its counterpart, polyandry (a woman having more than one husband) as well. And the concerns you put forward about possible "dilemas regarding the paternity of any children" carries less weight these days, now that modern science has given us paternity tests.

A couple of small points I picked up on:


...something that is completly absent...

- should be "completely absent"


(i)As an extention to this topic it is often...

- should be "extension"


...from her husband is she so wishes...

- should that be "if"?



Thanks for a great read, and keep writing!


GreySquirrel
4
4
Review of my heart  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi fuzzybuzz,


*Star* In your review request you said:

'it is the beginning of a possible short story. i don't know if i should continue with this, i need reviews and honets oppinions. please and thank you.'

I think what you've written so far is very clearly, as you say, a beginning. You have a great theme - about someone who seems to be suffering from heartbreak or depression - but you need to get more words down on paper before I can make a more serious judgement about it *Smile*. I don't know how well developed your ideas are about where you want to take this story. I have a gut feeling you have some clear thoughts about them already, but they need to be materialised onto paper!


*Star* How old is your narrator? I had the feeling this might be a very young character. I love the description about her feelings and the moon.


*Star* Please, please, please don't be discouraged by the rating I've given this. All it means is, 'I don't think this is complete yet'. Take your ideas for this project as far as you can. This is a decent first paragraph, and you finished it with the line:

'But life as I know it has ceased to go on because of my heart.'

Now go on, tell us the story about what's happened!


*Star* Do let me know if you work anymore on this, and I'll be very happy to do a re-rate.

Best wishes,


GreySquirrel


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5
5
Review of Destiny  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Susan,


*Star* This story stands out considerably from your other stories that I've read. It maintains much of your trademark 'gritty realism' (to again use a phrase I've used about your work a lot, by now!) in describing an unusual situation. The very beginning ('She only wanted to run...') reminded me of the themes you dealt with in 'The Walk' and 'Glory Days' about a person wanting to (temporarily) escape from reality. What makes it really different, though, is the 'spooky' edge to it. The way your main character keeps finding bodies while pursuing his career/hobby as a photographer is not just bizarre, but surreally disturbing - even 'supernatural' perhaps.


*Star* The storyline - this crazy story about a photographer's discoveries - is original, imaginative and compelling. I'm not sure you achieved the depth of character you managed with some of your other stories though. I found the situations the photographer gets into darkly comical, which was great, but I wasn't sure I really understood how his mind worked - despite the insights you give into what he's thinking about. Maybe it's just not an easy thing to understand though...I suppose he's like one of those journalists, reporting from a warzone, who becomes immune to the horrors going on around him...


*Star* The title of the story is very relevant. 'Destiny' seems to be what this poor photographer's life is about - he seems doomed to witness body after body after body, and yet his fascination with the uglier side of humanity persists - whether it's looking for down-and-outs or exploring 'Corporate America'.

I had the uncanny feeling, that sooner or later the pattern of events would lead Terry into trouble. Perhaps he'd suffer a mental breakdown from all the things he'd seen, or maybe he'd fall under suspicion for one of the deaths...I felt you might have played on this a bit more...to have given Terry a sense of 'impending doom'.


*Star* The ending was great, but I won't give it away here. *Smile*



*Star* Some minor suggestions:


reebok = Reebok (?)


t.v. = I'd usually see this as TV/T.V./Television...


'But they all had a commonness about them and as they approached, and Terry knew.'


'He found her crying in the hall, on the floor, when most of the staff was gone.'

was = were


'He found her crying in the hall, on the floor, when most of the staff was gone. She was pretty in a generic sort of way, with shoulder-length brown hair and big blue eyes that were dripping water.'

I felt you could afford to cut the last bit, as we already know she was crying.


*Star* This was refreshingly different. I don't think I liked it quite as much as some of your stories written in your more 'usual' style of writing, but I'd like to see you experiment a bit more with this kind of thing - you never know what might come out of it *Smile*... Thanks for a nice read, which will put me off cameras...


GreySquirrel


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Review of Trailer  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi stoshman,


*Star*I enjoyed this brief glimpse into the experience of someone who's working on a film (is he a small-part actor or 'extra'?...). You excel in providing a brief, cogent snapshot into someone's life and the world swimming around them. Cynical, but believable. I found the bit about the fans photographing the trailer quite funny, but also a little sad. I like the 'photo' theme.



*Star* The ending was quite interesting - 'I hoped she would be the one to find me.' Had this guy been on the run from the police? Seeing him there in his trailer, drunk and fazed out, we have the feeling something may be wrong...



*Star* The paragraphing went a bit wonky in the last 3 paragraphs.



*Star* I felt you'd benefit from writing in a slightly 'tighter' style in some areas. I've made some suggestions below:


'The light flooded in without warning through the half drawn blinds of my trailer, startling me slightly.'

half drawn = half-drawn. Consider cutting either 'startling me slightly' or 'without warning' - they seem to say the same thing.


'The last of the whiskey poured down the side of the knee-high fridge missing the glass by a good two inches.'

Comma after 'fridge'.


I flopped into the easy chair by the window and drew the blinds, the night becoming day instantly. The brilliant light came from the building across the street.'

I felt you 'delivered' this very short moment in too many words (and 2 sentences!). Consider something like, 'I flopped into the easy chair by the window and drew the blinds; night turned into day as a brilliant light streamed in from the building across the street.'


'...trying to get a glimpse of one of their heroes.'

Consider, '...trying to glimpse their heroes.'


'...but my arm felt like it was pinned to the chair...'

Consider, '...but my arm felt pinned to the chair...'.



*Star* Thanks for a nice and short read, which conveyed a lot in just a very short piece.


GreySquirrel


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7
7
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Susan,


*Star* I found reading this very emotional, and like a lot of stories about childhood miseries, it left me feeling a little angry at the callousness and foolishness of adults towards children. Like you, I think I found myself feeling as angry at the mother who stood coldly watching Carrie being beaten as with the father who administered the abuse. I'm not sure how fair that is - I imagine she may have been 'ingrained' with her husband's behaviour patterns, perhaps even experiencing his wrath herself - but I think despising this stepmother will be a common response of readers to hearing this story.

The worst part is the ending, where you reveal that Carrie went on to marry an abuser. We can only imagine the suffering she experienced at his hands, and possibly - even worse - the suffering that might have come to any children she had. The thought of Carrie becoming another version of her own mother, able to sit back and watch her children being beaten, is heart-breaking.

By the way, have you heard of a book called 'We need to talk about Kevin' by Lionel Shriver? I'm hoping to begin reading it soon myself. It's a very hard-hitting book about an adolescent who commits a serious gun crime, and explores his relationship with his mother. Sounded to me like the sort of thing that touches a lot of the themes I know you like to write about.



*Star* It's clear you felt quite a lot of guilt about what happened to Carrie - both on the day she was beaten over the cigarettes, and about what happened afterwards. I imagine the guilt 'began' on the day of the beating itself, but probably grew and grew afterwards, as you understood more and more what the reality was (there's only so much a 5 year old can understand). When you said:

I turned and crawled back down the hall feeling like a failure, just another person who'd failed Carrie....

I felt what you were describing must have increased in profoundness and complexity since the incident itself happened (am I right?). As you said, 'I lost something that day. I wasn't aware of it for a long time' There's nothing whatsoever 'wrong' with that, but I thought you might have given a brief word on how it has affected your outlook on life (e.g. does it give you a determination never to 'stand aside' while things are being done that are wrong? Has it shaped your views on abuse in the home in a way that's different from some of your family and friends?...).



*Star* I think the title is very good, and says a great deal. The theme about the Marlboro cigarette packs is great too - it shows how little things can make bigger things 'connect'.



*Star* I had the feeling some parts of your story would been a bit sharper and more succinct with a bit of cutting. I was a little reluctant to make detailed suggestions, because I know how someone trying to edit a very personal piece can really murder and butcher it by not always quite understanding what the writer was trying to express *Smile* To give you an idea though, I felt there were points when you stated what your feelings were, where I felt you'd already stated them already, or we could readily empathise with them already without being told. To give one example:


I was bewildered and more than a little indignant.

"Why should we have to stay outside," I fumed. "It's hot out here. What's going on?"


Here, I thought you could afford to cut 'I was...indignant', because that was 'telling' just before you were about to do the 'showing' - I felt you give us what we need to know just as well with the dialogue on its own.



*Star* Some minor points:


'...his cigarettes,Marlboros...'

Add a space after the comma.


'...and we lived with my granparents and saw my father...'

granparents = grandparents


'...make a noise when is shut.'

is = it


'...crying a gutteral cry while my father...'

gutteral = guttural


"you knew what was going on in there, didn't you?"

you = You



*Star* Thanks for having the courage to share this experience. I've no doubt none of your readers will blame you for what happened to Carrie, and many children would not have had the curiousity and strength - as you did - to try and find out what was happening behind the closed door. I think your readers may, though, have a few moments thought about how little incidents in life - little situations where we could do things one way or the other - can make a difference to someone's life.


GreySquirrel


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8
8
Review of The Walk  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Susan,


*Star* Yet again, I think you've proved you excel at this kind of story. I'm not sure what I should call it...'realist drama'? Or 'depressingly stories'? *Smile* It's gritty and believable, and casts some light over the human condition.



*Star* You did very well with developing the character of Karen. She came across to me as a down-trodden woman, unappreciated or misunderstood by her husband, and taken for granted by her children. To me, the supreme irony of this story was that she was quite literally unable to escape from her life - she tried going for a 'walk', but after a rotten series of events, entangling her with her husband's world of work, she was dragged back to her family, injured and in a hospital. My feeling was that she felt really 'trapped', like she couldn't escape, and nowhere did this come across more strongly than in her withering thoughts about her husband as he left the hospital:

'...she was relieved when her husband left.'

The worst part is, that despite her suffering, she probably hasn't been understood. Perhaps if she'd gone for a walk, disappeared for too long and come back home late and dishevelled, her family would have taken note that something was wrong. Somehow I feel doubtful anything like that is going to happen now, though.



*Star* I liked the bit about Susan feeling an attraction towards Carl, at first. Yet again, to me this highlights the theme of her trying and failing to escape her life. She looks at Carl and sees a handsome man, she looks at herself and deplores her appearance - but somehow, in him, she thinks she sees something that might be better...and then it all degenerates into disaster.



*Star* Right at the end, it looks as though Susan might not, after all, report the incident in the car with Carl to the police. This was quite intriguing, and focussed my mind on why this was. Did she feel sympathy for Carl, who in his own way, was as down-trodden in life as she felt herself to be? Did she not want to endure all the hassles of the judicial process, ontop of the other struggles in her life? Was it even that she felt, if she spoke out about what happened, her whole horrific experience in the car would become about her husband (and his workplace rivalries/politics/etc.) rather than about her?... I felt you left us with some things to think about, which is always a good way to end a story!



*Star* Kids I think readers would appreciate knowing just a little more about the kids. Were they aware of how unhappy there mother had become? Did Karen believe the children had any idea of how she was feeling? If so, how did this affect her (I can imagine it might lower her esteem further, if she thought they had the opinions about her that she possibly had about herself...)?

In particular, how does she feel about Miriam, her eldest daughter? Does she see her as a mini-version of herself, or does she hope she will go onto have a different, more fulfilling kind of life?


*Star* Some minor points:

'Her tennis shoes began a soft plod on the sidewalk, her arms swung in rhythm; She took several steadying deep breaths. "Karen," called the same voice, "I really want to talk to you!"'

She = she


'the television would be blaring.'

the = The


'"Get in," he barked more forcefully, so she obediantly slid into the car.'

obediantly = obediently


'Her eyes widened as he continued a desceptively calm sort of tirade, and it dawned her that she'd done something she'd told her children to never do: she'd accepted a ride from a virtual stranger.'

dawned her = dawned on her (?}



*Star* Thanks for a great read about this poor, 'trapped' housewife. I wonder where she'll go next in life?


GreySquirrel


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9
9
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi amaiyaamir,

*Star*I found this a heart-breaking story about a girl growing up in poverty. The image of the mother attacking the rats with the metal rod is really poignant. I think it symbolises what her life must have been like a lot of the time: she is 'brutal'/'tough', but she has to be because of her environment.



*Star* I also liked the way you introduced the mother with the rod ('With a two feet long black metal rod she pounds away. She swings with all her might.It's not something that anyone would like to see let alone a child of nine.'). At first, I couldn't tell she was attacking rats - for all I knew, she could've been beating people - children or babies even! This alarmed me, before I realised she wasn't attacking people at all: it was just a poor woman, fending off the rats that make her poverty-blighted life a misery.



*Star* I like the title, and the question it poses hangs ominously over the whole story. Poverty is so dreadfully misunderstood, isn't it? Your ending is great, pointing out that nobody understood the girl's background - or even seemed interested in it. It's very, very sad. I'd have been interested to know how she got on with other girls her own age? Did she have some friends at school, or was she a total outcast? Did she have friends in her own neighbourhood, from a similar background to her?...



*Star* As it stands, I feel the biggest weakness to your piece are the problems with grammar, spellings and punctuation. I can imagine that you want the piece to read pretty much 'as the narrator talks'. This means that to some extent, I suspect you wouldn't want to follow the rules of grammar too rigidly, but I still think your piece would be easier to read if you corrected some of the spellings, added some more punctuation and made certain phrases a bit clearer. How you want to go about this is upto you (I can guess you might have mixed feelings about writing it totally grammatically?), but I've made some suggestions below, for you to consider:


'Living in a childs life sticken by poverty.'

sticken = stricken


'The sounds of screeching awakings me out of my sleep.'

awakings = awakens


'Knowing, wanted to expect the unexpected, but deep down I knew what I was about to view.'

wanted = wanting


'My mother stands, with high yellow skin with her night gown half torn from wear and tear, but in my eyes she still is the essence of beauty.'

Consider changing 'with her night gown' to ',her night gown'.


'...anyone would like to see let alone a child of nine.'

Add a comma after 'see'.


'Their time is up faith has run out on them.'

Add a comma after 'up'.


'There fangs'

There = their


'The fat dirty dumpster rats our dead.'

our = are (?)


'...I just saw but knowing tommorrow night...'

tommorrow = tomorrow


'...dose of into hellish dreams.'

Did you mean 'doze off'?


'...no one would have know what my night was like...'

know = known



*Star* Thanks for sharing this; it was a revealing read. The 'technical' points dragged the rating down, but I'd love to come back to this and give it a higher rating - so let me know if you do an edit. *Smile*

Very best wishes,


GreySquirrel


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10
10
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Blondie,


*Star* I'm from outside the US (London, UK), so I didn't understand what all of the state abbreviations meant, but I still found your article quite interesting, and it further fuels my desire to visit your country one day in the future. It also reminds me of just how diverse a country it is.

The theme of your article is very strong, well summed-up in the excellent final sentence:

'This attitude perplexed me and I was set on getting to the bottom of it.'

It's about a clash of mindsets, between one type of person who has moved around a lot and wants to see as much as possible, and another type which is more 'grounded' and less interested in moving beyond what they know.



*Star* I think you have opportunities to 'spice up' the article/make it more interesting. A few anecdotes to illustrate some of your points might do this wonderfully. Take, for example, the bit about your friends not being interested in seeing the sites or visiting nearby states. How about introducing a bit of dialogue between you and one of your friends about this topic?



*Star* Consider using shorter paragraphs. Yours are on the longer side (especially the final one). Shorter ones look less daunting and 'bulky' to the reader *Smile*



*Star* There are some "that's" you could cut out.



*Star* I felt your article would benefit from some editing, which would leave it shorter, sharper and punchier. Here's a couple of suggestions:


'And yet as hard as I tried my sunny, golden complexion that I had always maintained year-round in California was no competition for the stiff winters and what I'd been convinced of as my true color gradually gave way to a less golden complexion than I normally was used to.'

Consider rewriting this bit; I found it a bit long and winding.


'..which forced me out of my comfort zone. This was a way of life for me and so I've always been open to change and finding out what the world has to offer.'

I felt you could afford to cut this bit.


'What draws me to that scenario has mainly been having childhood friends, which is something that was a constant change for me, but I inherited the ability to not lock myself in a clique and be a part of several cliques.'

Consider shortening this, perhaps to: 'I regret never having a steady circle of friends.'


'My enthusiastic aspirations quickly came to a halt. In fact hardly any of the "locals" had been to NY or Philly and were hardly familiar with it.'

Consider cutting 'My enthusiastic...halt', and beginning the next sentence as a new paragraph, beginning 'Actually, hardly and of the...'.


'Many of my friends from DC hadn't even visited the national monuments and musuems that are so popular with tourists and schools, I myself visited DC in the eighth grade.'

musuems = museums. I felt you could afford to cut the bit about tourists and schools. I'm from the UK and have never visited America, but even I know there are very popular sites in Washington which tourists love to visit and schools would probably visit *Smile*. Consider: 'Many of my friends from DC hadn't even visited the national museums and monuments - which I'd visited back in the eighth grade.').


'The fact was that most people hardly left their own neighborhoods to visit within their city and state, let alone a neighboring state no matter the close proximity.'

Consider cutting 'The fact was that'.



*Star* Thanks for the read, and good luck with your article!

Very best wishes,


GreySquirrel


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11
11
Review of The Old Man  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Octopusouphut,


*Star* I found this a really touching story, which left me feeling a little warmer and more positive about the human species. You're a great story-teller.



*Star* The title confused me a little at first, because I was trying to figure out who the 'Old Man' was - was it the narrator or was it Alex?... I only realised the truth when you introduced Alex's father.



*Star* I feel your piece would benefit from an edit. I've made a couple of suggestions:


'...you begin to forget the little things about him that you one found unavoidable.'

one = once


'Like the little scare'

scare = scar


'Thinking about it now, I remember how I loved to kiss that scar, to taste it with my tongue.'

I found this sentence a little confusing - it seems to suggest this is all in the past, and the narrator doesn't have these feelings anymore. The ending to your story contradicted this ('It’s the little things you forget first: the scar, the wink.').



'When I arrived at the hospital that night I remember the first thing I noticed was that scar.'

Consider: 'When I arrived at the hospital that night, the first thing I noticed was that scar.'


'...unsure of weather we should stay or go.'

weather = whether


'“he’s not my wife Pop. He’s my…”'

Begin with a capital 'H'.


'“Everything,” he replied and then was
lost...'

There's a phantom empty line, here!



*Star* Thanks for an inspiring read, which goes to prove that anybody can 'connect', no matter how great the differences between them.

Very best wishes,


GreySquirrel



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12
12
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Pensive,


*Star* I found this a touching and inspiring story - especially where little Jeffrey encourages the narrator to walk. I like the way Christmas has been linked in to the plot - it's an evocative festival that reminds us of all kinds of things, happy and sad.



*Star* 'Faith'

The main character is clearly a very courageous and determined woman. She refers quite often to her 'faith'. Whilst it's obvious her love for her son does a lot to motivate her, and that she's doing her best to recover from a serious, debilitating operation, I thought it might be interesting to the reader to learn a little more about what 'faith' means to her. Is there a religious foundation to it? Is it a set of attitudes, developed by events that have taken place over the course of her life - or 'inherited' from people she's known and admired (her parents, perhaps?...)... How is it that she's able to get through all the tests to her faith she must have experience on her road to recovery?...



*Star* Christmas

I don’t even remember that Christmas.

This would be very understandable for the character, actually - but I'm not quite sure it makes for the best story-telling *Smile*. Given the 'Christmas' theme you have in the story... I thought it might be interesting to dwell just a little more on the bad Christmas...all of the happiness and 'fake happiness' that was going on around her, during a time she was suffering and feeling so alone...



*Star* A couple of minor points:


'Strangely, the very thing that had caused me to lose sight of that fact was the very thing that helped me to regain my possession of it.'


Consider cutting out 'had'.


'Discounting the visits from my family and friends--they were great while they lasted--but once everyone left, the visits didn’t matter anymore.'


Consider cutting 'but'.


'I call it my d-anger zone.


Had to point this out - I loved this little phrase. *Smile*


'I will retell just a couple of those stories here:'


I found this a teeny bit confusing; at first, I thought the narrator was going to go on to recount some of the stories 'as told by' her families and friends.


'By December, I was feeling stronger, but still far from where I had hoped to be by Christmas.


Consider cutting 'had' (you might notice I pick on this word a lot *Smile* ).


'filled with hesitation and self doubt'


Consider 'self-doubt'.



*Star* Thanks for an interesting read, about overcoming hardships and being determined to enjoy Christmas - whatever the obstacles.

By the way, this might sound corny...but your title, 'Christmas Presence' rhymes curiously with 'Christmas Presents'... how about putting some lovely wrapped-up boxes of presents in at the end? *Smile*

Write on, and all the best,


GreySquirrel


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13
13
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Shaara,


*Star* I found this hilarious! There's an element of sadness in it, because although the narrator seems to have found it - on one level - an exciting/erotic experience - it was the event that seems to have led to her breaking up with her boyfriend. In the main though, it was funny, and written with real verve. I especially like the way you portrayed Josh, and tbe bit at the end about how he runs for Congress, whilst Sarah pursues her interests in chlorine *Smile*.



*Star* The one area I thought I'd make a suggestion was about the end bit, where Mrs. Baker becomes involved. I had the feeling you could've made more of that whole scene. In particular, I thought perhaps you could emphasise the agonising wait until the next day which (I imagine) Sarah went through, until she spoke to Mrs. Baker and was promised her parents wouldn't be told. It would've been interesting to see the juicy contents of that little interview, as well!



*Star* Some of my favourie bits:


'...my parents were glued to a movie about three orphaned children lost in the wilderness...'


Delicious irony there. If only they knew what their kid was upto?...


'Of course, neither of us had swim suits available, and I didn’t want to disturb my parents by going in and getting mine, so the only solution was to leave our garments hanging on the neighbor’s fence and skinny dip. Reasonable, don’t you think?'


Yeh, yeh heeheehee


'“Hi. I’m Josh,” said my constantly campaigning boyfriend, the junior class president, and vice-president of the French Club, Young Republicans, and Future Leaders of America Society.'


Very comical. I can imagine this kind of guy behaving this way, even in the most humiliating of circumstances...


"We got hot . . ."


<giggles>



*Star* Great stuff! Thanks for the read, which provides an excellent moral: don't swim naked (at least in other people's swimming pools...).


GreySquirrel



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14
14
Review of Glory Days  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Susan,


*Star* I really enjoyed this short story. Once again, I think you've shown a flair for cutting-edge, nitty-gritty realist drama! The story is a provocative tragedy, about someone who's been accused - apparently wrongly - of a serious offence, but has pleaded guilty because he's been advised by his lawyers that he'll be found guilty anyway, and his best chances for a shorter sentence lie with 'confessing'. You do very well with the way your narrator's resentment against 'the system' comes out as he awaits what looks set to be a lengthy prison sentence, and faces the dreadful task of having to tell his mum what's happened. The way he is behaving in the present, and how he reminisces - almost in a 'regressive' way - is powerful and believable.



*Star* Some of your descriptions are superb, really oozing with rebellion and resentment. I especially liked the bits about the clerk in the Kmart clothes; the uncomfortably tight shoes; and the distastefully cruel (but understandable and believable) description about the 'huge bimbo'.


*Star* I work in the laundry and it's hot and sticky, which I really, really hate, but I also get to visit the library and read any book I want.


I think this bit is quite important. Your narrator is obviously someone who's not thrived in the education system, and has been a 'loose-cannon' for much of his life, though more recently - before this tragedy - it looks like he had been becoming more responsible. It is apparent to me, just from the way he tells his story, that despite his rough background, he is literate and articulate - and he does enjoy reading (that might not sound like much - but a lot of youths don't, and might not have piped up at the thought of using a library and taking courses in the way your narrator does).

I felt I wanted to know more about the more 'articulate', 'literate' side to him...where did it come from (his mother, perhaps, or was he one of those kids who's really bright at school but pretends to be 'dumb'?). What does he like to read/what interests him?



*Star* 'I know everyone here says they "didn't do it," but I really didn't.'


I'm not going to pretend to know very much about prisons, but I know someone who's been 'inside', and he told me that in prison, everybody is more interested in what type of crime you committed. Your narrator was charged with a crime that, I imagine, might make him an outcast in prison - even amongst all the other outcasts there. I'm curious, as to how his fellow inmates would treat him in prison. Would he be looked down on by certain other prisoners?... Would he try to lie to them about what he was convicted of?... I may not be saying anything insightful here, I'm not sure...but it's something I thought about.



*Star* Some woman picked me out of a lineup and the attorney, that mean-ass one, said I should cop a plea because no one would believe I was at home watching "Law and Order" with my mom, not with my record. I told him I was trying to start over, that I have a new girlfriend and a job and I don't run with that anymore, but he didn't care.


I would have imagined that realising, after he'd just begun to improve some of the things in his life, that he was going to be going to prison for a crime he didn't commit - and that his interests would be best served in WRONGLY ADMITTING (!!!) to it - must have been a really traumatic and devastating moment for him. I'm not sure you quite convey the degree of anger that I think he must have felt about this. If I was him, in my mind, I think I would be running through in my mind, over and over again, some of the awful, crushing, exact words and phrases the lawyer used - the ones that really made me realise I was doomed, and overpowered all my determination to prove my innocence.



*Star* Mom: Mom is very important in this story. The narrator is agonising over how he's going to tell her. One of the interesting things you do is to not actually tell us very much about mom at all - she is an enigma. On one level, I think this works well, because it reminds the reader there are sides to the narrator's life - about his past and so on - that we don't know and understand about in every detail.

On another level, I was left wishing I knew at least a little more about her. What does mom represent to the narrator? How did she feel about his schooling issues and his being a 'loose cannon' (was she indulgent to him about it all?). What was her role (if any) in his recent attempts to reform himself (getting a job etc.)? What effect did the father have on her?...

Again, I just thought this was something to think about.



*Star* A couple of technical points:


'I put my head into the palm of my hands, looked down and the silverish concrete making sparkles in the sun...'


and = at


'He waved a little when he saw me staring, the kind of wave that says, I hope he doesn't want my wallet.'


Consider quotation marks for 'I hope...'


'...like feelig the breeze on my face...'


feelig = feeling


'Wouldn't they be proud, those teachers and counselors and principals who told me I was a "loose cannon."'


Consider a question mark at the end.


'I've only been here three weeks, so who knows.'


Consider a question mark at the end.



*Star* Overall, I found this story - like some of your others - quite provocative and troubling, but quite believable. I sensed an irony in the title - 'Glory Days'. To me, his life seemed anything but glorious. However, peculiarly - and despite all the other terrible things going on - there was a certain tenderness in the way he described his reminiscences, which made me realise that they were glorious to HIM - they were special to him, and for many years to come he will probably be clinging to them nostalgically as he tries to struggle through prison life. So, for all the injustice, resentment and sadness that dominates the story, there is a side to it which is rather touching, and perhaps it's this which makes this story a little special.

Write on,


GreySquirrel



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15
15
Review of A Desert Oasis  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this a very well-written, tragic story, that sounds all too believable. I felt a lot of sympathy for all the characters - Lori, Shawn and little Courtney - but it's Shawn I'm left the most curious about at the end. You use your 'description' at the beginning very well, preparing us for the possibility that he might be on the verge of a mental 'breakdown' himself. As the story progresses, our concern increases as we learn about the number of hours he has to work, and his very stressful home life.

In the final paragraph, I'm left wondering just how serious he is when he hints at having problems himself. Is he really on the brink of a breakdown? I can well imagine he is, and is just going through the motions of life like a zombie at the moment. On the other hand, is he pitying himself - maybe wishing HE were the one with the problems who needed looking after and had less 'responsibility'? That possibility would be quite plausible to me as well, and perfectly understandable too.

I know there are a lot of families in this kind of unhappy position - struggling along, miserably, often trying to conceal their problems (especially anything concerning a suggestion of mental ill health) from the outside world. The kind of behaviour patterns they show struck me as very realistic, and reminds me of a few incidents I've witnessed myself. For instance, the way he confronts her and then backs down so quickly, which I can imagine is a dreadful little 'ritual' they might go through every now and then, and that the poor daughter may be very experienced with it by the time she's older. Also, the overwhelming sense one has that Lori and Shawn just don't love each other - and yet they always seem to cling together!

What made the biggest impression on me about this story was just how devoid of love and warmth that home seemed - with the exception of Courtney, the daughter. So many homes, sadly, become like this. Your title - 'A Desert Oasis' - is very apt. Courtney does indeed seem to be the best thing in Shawn's life - perhaps the only thing that keeps him going - but we can't help sensing she has an awkward future in front of her.


One quick point:


He looked back to Courtney, her Little Mermaid pajamas were wrinkled from a full days wear and he knew where his future was.


* full days wear = full day's wear


Thanks for a great read,


GreySquirrel



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16
16
Review of The Lone Cypress  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a beautiful story - a masterpiece, even! It has the feel of a really memorable 'classic' about it. I've attempted writing about trees as 'characters' myself, but never anything remotely like this - it just feels so 'real', even though we know it can't be.

I especially enjoyed the bit about the sun. It's nice to think of the sun, a great big ball of fire far, far away in the sky, as a benevolent being - able to bestow life upon whatever it chooses. I like, too, the idea of the Cypress Tree having a 'special relationship' with the sun, and being able to talk to it - whereas we humans, of course, can't.

Thanks for a great read,

GreySquirrel


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17
17
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi revdbob,


*Star* I enjoyed this allegory, and am an admirer of this kind of writing. I like trying to write short, 'meaningful' or 'questioning' stories myself (though I don't follow any particular religion).



*Star* I felt what you attempted to do was very radical. You have a guy, looking out of a window, noticing 'threads' in all of the human activity going on outside - little things many of us wouldn't at first notice, but which 'connect' different types of experiences together. Your final paragraph seems to seek to prove that by becoming aware of these 'threads' - by noticing these things we don't usually notice - we can acquire a special kind of enlightenment or 'wisdom'. This is a very powerful, profound message - and I think it could appeal to people with a broad range of 'belief sets'.



*Star* In my personal view, you made a wise decision in (despite what I presumed about your spiritual beliefs from a quick look at your page) not directly mentioning 'God' or 'the Creator'. You hint at a 'One' and a 'source', but you don't dwell on the matter - rather, you seem to me, to be trying to lead us towards wanting to think about a 'higher being' or 'higher purpose', rather than talking about a 'Creator' directly in a way that might 'turn off' certain readers. You don't 'preach' to us; rather you give us an allegory, which some readers (myself included) might feel more comfortable in relating to. If I may put it another, you don't frog-march us to the front door, open it, shove us in and lock the door quickly behind us; but you do gently point out the right house, and leave us to think about whether - in our own time - we want to walk down the path and knock on the door.



*Star* To me, the biggest weakness of the piece was that you became too laden down in detail about the mechanics of the 'threads', and this became distracting and confusing. For a reader like me, the pace was a bit fast, and you needed to ease me in a bit more.

On the one hand, you are describing a person's view out of a window, and on the other hand, you are having a philosophical discussion about how different events are 'connected' in different 'threads'. My feeling as a reader was, that with all the description about 'threads', I began to lose sight of the fact the piece was about a person looking out of a window and reflecting on the meaning of life.

My suggestion would be to spend more time on each of the threads - perhaps dropping some of the 'threads' in order to focus more on a select few. In discussing each thread, I'd suggest really building up more of a visual picture of what the narrator is seeing out of the window, and how he reacts to each of the things he sees. Perhaps some of the sights will remind him of things from his own life?...


*Star* I had a gut feeling that the spiritual journey your narrator made from the beginning to the end of your piece was just too fast. You begin with 'Looking out, at first I saw only chaos', very quickly moving on to a marginally more enlightened 'yet somewhere I felt there was something that joined them'. From then on, your narrator immediately begins to climb an incredibly sharp learning curve, ending with a glorious '...and I became whole, became one with that origin of all, and finally at rest.'

My gut feeling was that it just wasn't believable - the narrator through the main 'middle' bit of the text seems a very spiritually advanced person (far more so than readers like me!) and it just didn't seem feasible, at the end, to suggest that he'd only just discovered 'wisdom'. I preferred the suggestion you briefly make in the last paragraph of there having been something of a journey ('This thread had appeared to me before only here and there, usually very thin and tenuous, twisted and broken...'), but I still came away with the impression the whole thing was too fast, and wasn't quite believable enough.

My suggestion would be to make it clear the narrator had looked out of the window many times before and experienced some of these thoughts, and that the fantastic revelation of the final paragraph only came after a long period of contemplation, and countless sessions of looking out that window (and that after many of these sessions, he'd come away sadly feeling, perhaps, he'd learnt nothing)!

On another level, though, perhaps one shouldn't worry too much about all of this - because it was, after all, an allegory...*Smile*.



*Star* Typo here:


A kind of spiritual allegory, a view into teh structure of Creation.


* teh = the


Thanks for a provocative read, and remember all of this is, of course, just the opinion of one reader.


GreySquirrel



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18
18
Review of The Delivery  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Star* I thought this was a fantastic and very moving story, and you achieve everything inside a very short space - which is a lot more difficult to achieve than people often realise. You really drew out my sympathy for this pathetic (and I mean 'pathetic' in its true sense as 'worthy of pity', not in the derogatory sense) man struggling to hold his life together in his older years. The way you explore his hopes, memories, fears, humiliations and self-delusions is quite expert.

I also admire the way you make the 'little things' really important in this story - like the gritty details about the mucus, the roach on the beer can, and of course - about the 'delivery' itself. One of the things that happens to people with time on their hands is that the 'little things' become more and more important - far more important than they ever used to be. To me, I imagine this can be both beautiful, but also tediously crushing and unpleasant - perhaps even degrading, at its worst. Your story - short as it is - really manages to demonstrate this, and I found it very believable.

I think the kind of topic you're writing about here is going to become more and more important in the future, as people are going to be living longer and longer - and a lot of people are going to be spending long periods of life out of the 'fast lane' - much of it, sadly, before they've even passed their real 'prime'.

The message you leave us with at the end is apposite:

He knew he would be remembered. And really, isn't that all that truly matters?

This is the burning issue many of us worry about. Will we be anything special after we're gone? I suspect this is a particularly powerful theme for writers (of whatever degree of 'successfulness') - and your main character, of course, used to be a journalist.



*Star* A couple of suggestions:


Another uneventful day, like all of them anymore.


* I didn't follow what you meant by the last word - did you mean 'like all of them had been lately'?...


On his sagging porch sat the box, the one he'd been waiting for weeks to recieve, the one he'd dreamed about since becoming aware of its existence.


* Just a suggestion: change the last bit to 'the one he'd been dreaming about.'


He didn't care, he thought as he lay, rhumy eyes luminous.


* I found that sentence a little jumbled.


He grunted, pulling it inside, and after struggling mightily to get it open, heart thudding painfully, he reverently began to lift out pictures, awards, assorted memorabilia.


* This is, perhaps, your most important sentence - and I think it has the potential to be the most memorable, which is why I have the gut feeling it might be well worth having a look at it again - to see if there's anything you can do to sharpen it up and spice it up even more. I tried to think of a suggestion to offer you myself, but my imagination isn't with me at the moment *Smile*



*Star* Overall, I felt this was an outstanding piece, and I'd love to see any future revisions or additions.


Thanks for the read,


GreySquirrel



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19
19
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi rojukiel,



*Star* I greatly enjoyed reading this story, which reminded me what it's like to be a teenager - with all the insecurities, frustrations and excitements that go along with it. I could really identify with your narrator, who we watch climb the pole of 'popularity' and 'progress'...only to slip all the way back down again! But does he really fall that far? Things always seem so much worse when you're young *Smile*



*Star* You do very well with developing the characters of Lauren, and Miller - who reminds me of one or two people I remember from my own teenage years! The narrator's best friends are quite believable too - especially in the dreadful climax to chapter 2.



*Star* The climax to chapter 2 is superb. As a reader, just like the narrator, I really had no idea this was coming - though on reflection, perhaps it wasn't that surprising.



*Star* I felt there was a problem with chapter 3. I feel rather bad about saying this, because I sense this chapter may be the most 'important' or even 'personal' to you, but if I'm going to be honest, I have to point out I feel there was a weakness here. What you express about the narrator's feelings is extremely believable - and in many ways - it is very imaginatively written. The problem is, although I am sure all of this would be important to the narrator character - I don't think it will fully hold the interest of your reader in the way the first two chapters did (or at least it didn't for me!). I felt a far shorter explanation of the narrator's feelings would be more effective, and would express his despair just as well - perhaps even better. Sometimes leaving the reader to imagine how a character feels works just as well in conveying what you wanted to convey.



*Star* There were some technical points I felt needed tidying up. Here's a few things I picked out, going from the beginning to the end of your story:


My life was full of once adolescent craziness


* was full of once = was once full of


I realized that if I kept dedicating all my time to schoolwork that life would be over before I knew it.


* Consider scrapping the 'that'.


Miller was just like me, except people liked him because he was funny. He did not devote his time to studying--but yet he still managed to do well in school.


* I'd scrap the 'yet'.


This is where we would finally dive deep into the ocean and reemerge as different people.


* reemerge = re-emerge


Sarah volunteered there as well, but until now I had never really thought about her. I realized how much we get along and how much we have in common.


* get = got


Everyone was fueling his ego by laughing hysterically at all his jokes--of which always had their way of being about me.


* I'd scrap the 'of'.


He was totally different then when I first met him.


* then = than


But the fear of losing all of this that I had grown to love kept me awake at night.


* I'd change 'all of this that I' to just 'all I'.


I kept thinking about how much Lauren and I don't get along.


* don't = didn't. Remember your tenses *Smile*


She once again surprised me by apologizing and telling me that she did in fact have feelings for me too, but she sometimes doesn't know how to express them.


* doesn't = didn't


Everything we do and say has to be crated by our minds.


* created = created



*Star* Overall, this was an excellent read, and I think you have a very good style of writing. It was a long read, but an enjoyable one - and excepting some of chapter 3, you kept me hooked all the way through. I would have rated even higher if it was a bit 'tidier', and if there hadn't been the issues with chapter 3.

Thanks for the read, and I hope to read more of your stuff *Smile*


GreySquirrel
20
20
Review of Time Passages  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* This was a very interesting and provocative read. Your 'brief description' was excellent, and poses the questions I was left wondering about by the end. What was the effect on Tommy, of the mom's non-commital answer to the question, 'is Charlie a moron?' How is that sometimes adults just don't 'hear' the voice of young people?...



*Star* You don't make it clear exactly what it was Tommy did to upset his mom, though we know she thinks it was 'uncivilised' and has thrown him out of the house because of it. I like this, because it leaves us with different possible interpretations to make. Did Tommy do something nasty to Charlie in order to disassociate himself from him? Did Tommy do something unpleasant to one of Charlie's tormentors, in 'defence' of Charlie?...I don't know whether you intended it to be ambiguous, but I found it ambiguous - and felt the ambiguity worked well.



*Star* I love the portrayal of the tired, long-suffering mom, trying to stagger through the whirlwind of life. I'm left wondering how she is reflecting (if she is reflecting at all) on her indifference to Tommy's earlier attempts to talk about Charlie. I like how, at the end where she is angry with Tommy, she is reduced to talking like a teenager and using words like 'Dammit' and 'lame-brained'. The 'proper' aloofness she showed earlier has gone completely!



*Star* Similarly, I felt you did a great job with the character of Tommy. I was not surprised to learn, on reading your bio, that you have teenage children yourself, because I think you've described this type of teenager brilliantly *Smile*.



*Star* I felt less enthusiastic about Tommy's brother, Donny. My gut feeling was that - especially in a short piece like this - he was 'surplus' to the story, and that you should have just focussed on the key relationship in the narrative, which is between Tommy and his mom. I felt the role he played in 'antagonising' Tommy could easily be taken over by the mom (who you could develop even more, here at the beginning), and that you didn't really need him as a 'sounding board' for the discussion about Charlie, because Tommy has already stated that three other children don't think much of Charlie.



*Star* Charlie, of course, is the great enigma! We don't know exactly why he is unpopular. I think this works well though - it leaves us wondering!...would love to read a follow-up story though *Smile*



*Star* Here's a couple of points I picked up on, going from the beginning to the end of your piece:


Donny Girard was eating with his long face hidden by a comic book.


* I'd consider swapping 'by' for 'behind' - just a suggestion...


"Moron," came from the comic book. "Charlie Johnson is a moron."


* This confused me a little at first. It took a moment to sus out that this must be Donny talking from behind the comic book. I'd suggest swapping 'came from the comic book' with, perhaps, 'came Donny's voice from behind the comic book'.


He began to switch the channels on the television rhythmically, keeping time with a ticking cuckoo clock on the wall by the kitchen.


* I had to highlight this, as I loved this description! So typically adolescent!..


"What in the hell did you think you were doing," his mother asked through gritted teeth. "


* You missed the question mark. Also, you don't need the space before the ".


but Tommy's mother did mean it, and she helped him by packing a suitcase full of his over sized t-shirts and jeans.


* but = But; over sized = over-sized


"Why, Tommy. Just tell me that. Tell me why."


* You missed the question mark.



*Star* Thanks for a great read. I think you understand a lot about teenagers *Smile*. Remember all the thoughts I've expressed are, of course, just the opinions of one reader.

GreySquirrel
21
21
Review of Ailbhe  
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I appreciated this piece; it was throbbing with colour, life and frothing with a spectrum of little details that I felt lent it a vivid realism. The characters are all great. There's one thing, sadly, that really drags it down - and that's the spelling, punctuation and grammar.

I've tried to help you with some of this, going from the beginning to the end of the piece:


> 'I have my teaching degree an a very good job at a private elementary school.'


* an = and


> '...something happened between our engagement four months ago.'


* I found that phrase a bit unusual. Even if one might talk like this, in writing, if you're saying something happened between something, I'd recommend stating what happened between when and when...


> '“Honey I whish you would think this out properly” Mother said chopping lettuce for a salad.'


* I'd add a comma after 'said'. By the way, I'd recommend leaving full empty lines, instead of indentations. It's nicer to read, especially on a computer screen *Smile*.

whish = wish


> 'My mother had always said it was a way to keep the family connected.'


* At the moment, I am learning all about chopping out unnecessary 'hads' and 'thats', and I'd suggest cutting out the 'had' here *Smile*.


>'“Mom please, having a baby is not so bad. You had seven children and you were a great mother.” I said.'


* I'd change the full-stop after 'mother' to a comma. You don't need to put a full-stop at the end of a piece of dialogue, when there's a dialogue tag ('I said) at the end of it. You do this at other points in the piece too!


> 'I didn’t want to tell my mother I was thinking about the great Sex Roby Thompson and I had on the beach shored.'


* However good the sex was, it doesn't begin with a capital 'S' here *Smile*.

I'd cut out the 'shored'.


> '“I was just thinking about Billy. I gave the best answer I could think of.'


* I'd change this to something like:

'"I was just thinking about Billy."

That was the best answer I could think of.'


> 'Mother smiled. “He is a good boy isn’t he.” Mother said joyfully.'


* Mother has been smilingly introduced already, so you don't need to finish her dialogue with a dialogue tag (and you don't need that second full stop in there either!).


> 'I go to night clubs, dance, I go out with my friends and drive to nowhere just fro fun.'


* I thought this would sound better if you amended it slightly, perhaps to:

'I go to night-clubs and dance; I go out with my friends and drive to nowhere just for fun.'


> 'it is the stereotypical house in the suburbs with a white house, with a white picket fence.'


* Whatever we think about this house, 'It' deserves a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence *Smile*


> 'interracial family'


* inter-racial


> 'My father is from Japan, he has black smooth hair, noble, fluent Japanese, and handsome.'


* '...and [is] handsome..'


> 'My mom was the damsel in distress and dad was the night and shining armor.'


* I'm guessing you mean 'Knight in shining armour' *Smile*


> 'To explain, there were two guy harassing my mother in the parking lot.'


* guy = guys.

You might consider scrapping 'To explain'.


> '“Dou-itashimas***e.” Which meant, your welcome, in Japanese.'


* your = you're


> '“I’m sorry ma’m, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Father said gaining control of his laughter.
She crossed her arms, tapping her feet aggressively on the ground.
“Just who do you think you are? I try to be curious and you slam it in my face,” mother said stomping away exasperated. She stopped and turned to face him, “Well I have something for you f***er!” she slipped him the bird and walked away proudly.
My father was surprised by the fire she had in her. Women in his culture never talked like that to man, or anyone else. My father caught up with my feisty mother and apologized. They dated soon after that fiasco at the club. By 1976 they were engaged, in 1977 they married, and in 1979 my brother was born.'


* I found this bit quite cute, and oddly romantic!


> 'Even though I have a wealthy fiancé, a baby on the way, and an awesome job, I still cannot figure where I was going.'


* 'I was going' = 'I'm going'


> 'dinning table'


* = dining table


> '...so it was always a joy to hear the, argue...'.


* the, = them


> 'How could I, the rebellious party animal, sex goddess, none attached girl, become an old ball and chain?'


* none attached = non-attached.

This is otherwise a very good, animated sentence!



With a lot of tidying up, and some further development, I really think this could be a very strong piece. I can tell you seem to know what you're writing about, and seem inspired by it. I sense an 'energy' or 'buzz' in the piece, and that it has a lot of promise. I would be rating this much higher if it had less mistakes in, but hope you won't be discouraged by that.

Have you got any further with chapter 2? The relationship between Billy and the narrator is becoming interesting.

Write on!

GreySquirrel
22
22
Review by GreySquirrel
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awww!

I found this a really beautiful piece. The language is almost poetic, and I love all of the gentle, subtle, pastel-coloured images you give to us.

A couple of points:


>'Follow the Mystique River across the desert plains as it falls down the face of a canyon upon the tributary below.'


* Isn't it the 'Mystic River'?


>'Serving him something to eat she watched him pleased to see him satisfied.'


* I'd add a comma after 'him'.


> 'The young man stood up from the sandy riverbed beside a mountain and not the canyon he had leaped from its waterfall.'


- I found this a bit jumbly.


>'She gazed at him through the flames and found him to be alluring as he was king to her.'


* king = King


>'He struggled to swim upward, but with no success, the darkness of the river pulled him under too deep.'


* I'd consider replacing the comma after 'success' with either a full stop and then beginning a new sentence, or with a dash (-).


On a final little picky thing: I don't like the green text you've used!

Overall though, I thought this was a great piece, with lovely descriptions, and a beautifully innocent 'romance' (though the ending is rather sad!).

Thanks for a very pleasant read,

GreySquirrel
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