It's a good story and I'm really impressed with what you managed to get in with your hundred words.
The only thing that really pulled me out of it was that you used "Kids gone" right after "She was gone." If it was me, I would have said "She was gone. Kids too."
There's just something about using the same word in the same sentence or two very short lines that pulls me out of what I'm reading.
Generally though, very good. Great description, no spelling or grammar errors that I can see.
What a lovely story. I actually read the title and opening chapters and thought something really bad had happened and was pleased to see that it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared.
Writing wise, I like your use of words and description. Never too much of one or the other. The only thing I did see was that you do start a lot of sentences with the word "We". That's understandable given the events you were describing but might be something to think about if you ever do any additions or a re-write.
A good short story and a great take on the current gullability of a few people in the modern world. If you need any go onto Twitter and search for the hashtag #WhileFacebookWasDown
Your writing style is fine. There were no spelling errors that I could see. The only thing I will bring to your attention is when you are doing speech and you follow it with a he said, he muttered, she moaned etc, it's always a comma.
For example. "I can't believe he did that," John said.
You use a full stop when it's description only. "I can't believe he did that." John shrugged his shoulders and huffed.
If it's both, use the comma. "I can't believe he did that," John said, shrugging his shoulders.
What an absolutely lovely story about children playing together. It's so nice to see that kind of thing, especially as anyone with kids knows that they can play nicely for ages then be ready to kill each other at three seconds notice.
I liked the interaction between them. You made them sound like they really were brother and sisters. Very realistic.
Your spelling and grammar are really good. I couldn't see anything wrong with the work at all. Great job.
I like your story. You've taken an idea and really developed it well with a solid main character who tells us everything that's going on.
This is also where the story doesn't quite work. You are just telling us: This happened, That happened, then This happened. There's no show and very little description.
I also think the story would work better if you were able to join the information. You tell us about the boy in class then suddenly your character knows his name. Just a line where Efren introduces himself or where your main character says the name while looking at him.
You also say a couple of times Efren uses a chemical but never what it is, what it does. If it was a major drug, he'd have been expelled.
I like your writing style. It links together well and there were no spelling or grammar mistakes I could see. Good work.
I'll be honest and say I don't know the song by Bobbie Gentry. I know the name but couldn't even tell you that. As you appear to use a song for inspiration however, I offer kudos. I've tried to use a song as basis for a story, got about as far as the prologue then run out of ideas.
Your main character is very good. A fleshed out, full person. I did think when I read the first couple of lines it was a he but you quickly cleared that up with mentioning her being unladylike. I did a class and was warned about doing speech like you've done it here but given the location the story is set, the speech method is wholly accurate.
Sentences and paragraphs work really well, both a good length and there were no spelling mistakes that I could see.
Great job. I look forward to seeing how this develops.
This is a really good story and I hope that it's leading onto somewhere longer.
Keeping a readers interest with only one character telling their story but you've done well.
You do have a few spelling mistakes (too instead of to, never the less instead of nevertheless, loosing instead of losing) but generally, the writing is of a good quality.
A good story. You've used the prompt / fact really well and made a very believable, albeit slightly naive (if she believes college will be any different) main character to illustrate it.
The sentences and choice of words are good and I can't see any spelling errors.
The only thing I do wonder about is that you call the coffee liquid-sleep. Is that what you meant? I would have thought liquid fuel would have worked better.
It's a good, interesting piece obviously leading onto something else.
I'm not sure about the line that begins "nobody thinks" because it uses the word any which was also in the previous sentence. If it was my work, I would have said "nobody thinks that they could pass on at a moments notice" but that is just me.
Generally though, I like your style of writing. The sentence structure suits the work and I look forward to seeing how the story progresses.
A good, well thought out story that develops nicely without ever dragging.
Your sentence and paragraphs structures are good and there were no spelling mistakes I could see.
What did confuse me (so much that I had to go back) was that you state a servant was holding the reigns while the girls boarded but later, the storyteller has them. I'd read that and assumed the servant was driving. There's no mention of him handing the reigns over to the storyteller.
A very good, very descriptive piece. You obviously know your character very well to describe her in such detail. It reminded me of a blonde haired, blue eyed girl I fell in love with in my younger days but I suppose that's the trick.
I do think on occasion that you're guilty of putting in too many words. An extra "and" or "they" where they aren't needed which, if removed would make the work feel tighter and flow better.
Generally though, it's a very good piece. I want to know more about the woman, what happened to her, how she died. If there's ever more of this to come I'd definitely want to read it.
I like the idea of your story; a cardiologist's son dies and he goes on a killing spree so others can feel the same as he did.
The writing is generally good but does need a lot of editing. There are few mistakes I noticed.
The biggest was you describe the house in exact detail then say how the house is said to have been owned by Carl and it's said he was a cardiologist. It's not said these things are true, they are true because you then went on to tell us the rest of the story.
As I said though, generally this is good and with some work I can see it getting a much higher rating.
You've done a great job here with your characterisation. They feel very rounded and whole. I even feel sorry for Daniel being so firmly stuck in the friendzone.
The story's really good and filled well with a good balance of description, speech and action.
I do have a minor issue where you repeat words you don't need to (telling us the doors opened before the stranger slipped through the doors, that kind of thing) but a bit of tough editing should iron those out.
This is also a personal bugbear for me but as soon as you mention SIRI, you're dating the piece. Yes, SIRI is available now but if the iPhone 6 has something else, anyone who reads your work in the future will suddenly think it's set in the past.
Minor flaws aside, this is a really good read and I look forward to seeing how it develops.
A nice, flowing piece of poetry that rolls off the tongue very easily and with a great twist at the end. Hopefully there aren't too many Barry Manilow fans on the site or you're in for some abuse. :o)
Like I said, the poem flows really well. The only change I'd possibly consider is where you say: This soldier seems to think you're Shaw"
Said he "I'm positive!", change it to Said Shaw "I'm positive!" just to clearly identify who's replying.
I like the idea of your story and it's certainly a humorous tale but I'm going to guess that, given some of the words and phrases used, English isn't your first language.
I understand that you said if your friend wasn't a fool you wouldn't be friends but why, if you knew the package had the underwear, didn't you tell him? It makes you appear like you're not a very good friend to him.
Generally the story is good and has a lot of potential, it just needs some more work.
No one is going to argue with your sentiment but it's not the way the human race is. For every writer, poet or artist, there are always egocentric, power hungry despots.
As far as the writing itself goes, it's a fine piece. It would perhaps look better if it was spaced out more between paragraphs but other than the aesthetics, it is a good piece.
I like this poem and if you are considering entering it in a contest then I'd definitely say go for it.
The only thing I didn't like was your first verse is 4 lines long then you switch to a 1/2, 3/6, 4/5 rhyming structure. Perhaps consider changing the first so they match. I tried to read the second verse as a 4 line and, obviously, it didn't work.
I'm going to say this is an... interesting story. I understand the sentiment but feel a bit grossed out by 2 people old enough to bury spouses and living in a retirement home getting it on like that.
That said, I really liked the characters and thought you'd got them about right. They were definitely believable enough that their interaction wasn't forced.
I wasn't keen on how often they said each others names. There's only 2 people in the story, we, as the readers know who they are. They don't need to remind us every sentence.
The story is good and had the hairs on my neck tingling at the end, even if I did know the Daniel in the bed wasn't the real boy before he found the other one under the bed.
What I will comment on is the number of small errors that are in the work. Double full-stops, the letter I not capitalised and things like that. I've even seen a couple of wrong words (and "ideal" threat instead of the idle threat it should be) in places.
What I do is print my work out and go over it with a red pen. I find I spot far more of my mistakes than I do by staring at a screen.
But definitely potential here, either as a stand alone story or as the start of something bigger. I look forward to reading it again after some editing.
What a really fun story. I'm impressed with how much you managed to get into so few words.
A few things I thought while reading it:
Take out the reference to Xena. Anyone who doesn't know who she is will get lost. Better to say Warrior Princess. Anyone who knows Xena will get the reference, anyone who doesn't will picture their own version of the princess.
Your = belongs to you
You're = you are
Sorry, that one's a personal bugbear of mine.
Generally though really good and with a bit more editing (you missed a speech mark and didn't capitalise in places) it could be great. Keep up the good work.
Good story, well up my area of interest (I'm writing things where the colonies / stations etc are already established) but definitely enough here that I'm interested enough to read. I'm not sure if you'll get those who aren't sci-fi fans interested but as that's true of any genre, I don't think that's too much of a problem.
A few minor spelling mistakes and for me, one big no-no. You start with first person perspective then paragraphs 8 and 9 you switch to 3rd. That needs correcting.
What a really good piece, well paced, well written and instantly believable enough to draw me in with so few words. Well, either that or the guy was tripping on something and was just in a 21st century nightclub on Earth.
If I really really had to nitpick, I'd call you up on using the word "chil-lax". Granted I'm not as young and hip as, well I've never been hip but I don't think the word will be in use 5 years from now, never mind hundreds of years in the future when we've met several alien races. I understand the need to bring familiarity in a room of alien species but you risk dating your work (sort of like saying he pulled out a Nokia mobile phone) when you use words that have little lifespan.
This is a really good, very detailed and descriptive piece that certainly bought images to my mind.
Couple of words I probably wouldn't have used if it were me (enigmatic and borderline) and I probably would have said "blithe though it was" as we already know you're talking about advice but these are just little things I would have done rather than what I can point to and say "this is wrong"
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