As a rule, I tend to stay away from poetry but saw your blurb and clicked and I'm glad I did.
As a dad to two little girls, I think you've got this spot on, both as a dad who is willing to do anything to make sure his child stays happy and in getting it right that our most traumatic memories are the ones that stay with us.
Yet another great piece of work. I genuinely had tingles on the back of my neck at times too.
Generally well written with good pace. Just a few minor issue with spelling (its instead of it's, clich instead of cliche) and big one in the first paragraph where your hero says he will go back into the woods. I think you meant won't.
What a really strong, emotional piece. It's strong enough I'm wondering if it's something you've experienced rather than imagined, it's that good.
If I could just comment on making your work a bit tighter. In the second paragraph for example, you mention her heart is the only place she isn't numb then go on to say her heart beats fast. We know it's her heart you're talking about. "Her heart" could have easily been replaced by "it" and that would have worked just as well.
You've done really well here to get across an emotional and honest story in 200 words.
The spelling and punctuation all looks good to me and I see a lot of potential in your work.
If I'd written this, the only thing I might have changed is the final paragraph. He knows that Lacy can't hear him but still mouths silently. A whisper would have perhaps worked better. That way, he actually saying the words he obviously couldn't say it to her.
This was okay. No real story arc, just a bunch of friends hanging around and it worked. Could even lead to something bigger. I know I definitely want to know more about the house on Elm and wondered if the group was going to dare each other to go there.
Just a couple of things on your written speech. When you've got only two people talking there's no need to tell us who is saying what after the first confirmation, the reader will get it. Where you may have an issue is when a group of people is talking. I have no idea who was saying what about aunt Sybil.
The other thing is your use of full stops at the end of speech. When you do that, you're starting a new sentence. Use a comma when someone is saying something ie "I can't believe you did that," Jessica said or "I can't believe you did that." Jessica folded her arms and turned away from me
Other than that (and a couple of missed capitalisations) it read well, flowed really nicely and could easily be expanded if you chose to.
Wow. What a wonderfully inspiring piece. I really liked this.
I think that for a lot of wannabe writers is that we lack either the motivation or belief or, we procrastinate too much. I myself use something I won't post here to keep me going and know that if the mood hits, I have to write until I'm spent.
Don't doubt yourself. You obviously have a great book (or three) inside you and a large group of people who believe in you. You've just added another. :o)
Good story. I liked the idea and you carried it off really well. It felt like you knew your main character and made her actions (in having to decide whether to disrupt her father's happiness in exchange for the safety of her and her siblings) very realistic.
Just a couple of things if I can bring them to your attention. Your overuse of the word "dear". Everyone calls your main character that. Her dad, her new mum, even the doctor. When the doctor was speaking to her and called her dear, I actually had to go back and check it wasn't the mum trying to cover up what she'd done.
Secondly, your use of the exclamation mark. You use it a lot. I did a quick count and in the 50 paragraphs containing speech, you have 71 exclamations marks.
As I've mentioned speech, I should also point out that the preferred way of speech is to use a comma followed by who said ie "I can't believe you did that," Jessica said. If you use an exclamation mark or a full stop, you're starting a whole new sentence ie "I can't believe you did that!" Jessica pouted then turned away from me.
I really enjoyed that and can see how you came joint 1st in the contest.
You made every character believable without ever taking too far and really made me see why your character focused in on those people rather than those just taking a bus journey with no story to tell.
One of the first things that was pounded into me when I've started writing courses is edit until it shines. I know it's hard to notice when it's your own work (as I myself have been told when someone was kind enough to review my work) that small mistakes can be made that just pull the reader out of their zone. There's two or three in your story but other than that, I think it's a great piece of work.
Wow. That is some dark writing there. If it wasn't so good I'd suggest you see a therapist :o)
I really like how you make it believable how he got to that point in his life. How before, he could come up with reasons not to take the pills but as time has moved on and things have changed, he now can't think of any reason not to. A desperate man indeed.
There's a good flow to the story though if I can suggest putting a line break between your paragraphs, it will just break up the text and make it seem less crowded and easier to read.
I kind of like this story. I can't give it top marks because really it says "you have to drink to have a good time and be accepted" which isn't strictly true.
However, the story is well written, flows really well with a good, believable set of characters and I spent the entire story wondering if Mark was going to fall off the wagon or make some sort of moral stand so kudos for keeping me guessing on that too.
A good piece here. As someone who has suffered from depression for many years, I can certainly relate to it, particularly the reaction from other people who just don't "get it" and think just because they don't suffer any kind of mental illness and they can't see anything wrong with you, you must be making it up.
I really liked this and well done on writing an 500+ words story almost using one syllable words: "she asked, and I saw how rude I had been to forget."
But one word out of all that is amazing though it does kind of make my main point too. When I've writing classes, one thing that was drilled into me is edit, edit, edit. Polish your work until it shines like a diamond. No more, or you'll tarnish it. A lot of what you've said in 3 words could be said with 1.
But generally, I'm really impressed with what you achieved here. You should be very proud.
Good story. Works well as both a story in itself or the beginning of something bigger (their budding friendship).
If I can just give a tip, you seem to have mis-balance of information. You immediately tell us Sherry is blonde and what she's doing but you don't tell us Cathy's hair colour or tell us what she's doing. Obviously not the assignment but what?
Also, there's no need to tell us Sherry is blonde. Cathy does this by calling her blondie.
But on the whole, very good and if there's more to come I'd be happy to read it.
An okay story with potential but it's just got inconsistencies to get really involved.
Your main character gets woken and told it's time for breakfast then immediately is advised they're an hour late for meeting the others. If they're an hour late, they're not going to stop for breakfast.
Secondly, unless you're a super genius working for the telecommunications industry in a bad Will Smith film, there's no way you'd be able to match human technology with that of the aliens. It would be like trying to use an iphone to work a gameboy.
Finally, and don't take this one personally, it's just a personal bug bear of mine. Please, please, please learn the difference between "there", "their" and "they're"
This is an okay story but to be honest, I found the main character rather unlikeable and pretty much everyone knows more than they should.
I first thought she did when she was on the phone to the police but in her panic, could understand why she'd tell them her parents had been taken but there's no way the police officer would be able to tell her for definite Luke had kidnapped her parents. Only that they suspected he had. The main character could then look at Luke and she'd know it was true. Also, there's no way the main character would know where the bad guys were trying to shoot the police officers, only that they were shooting.
I also have a problem with the familiarity of your main character. When she says her age and full name while calling to her parents, that just makes her sound like she has no relationship with them at all. Her parents would know their daughter's name and how old she is. Yes, it's important to get this information across but it would have made more sense to tell the police that information because they don't know her.
Finally (and as part of the unlikeable part) there's no need or reason to tell us the phone she uses to call the police. First off, it makes her sound like she's bragging (look at me, I've got an iphone 5c) but on top of that, the average market live for a phone is less than 2 years. Telling us the phone will only date your story.
This is an alright story but I can't really get into it. The biggest problem I have is too much happens with no reason or explanation. So some man turns up says "I know you didn't do it, here's a car." Well that doesn't work. She'd still be a wanted criminal.
You said that she finds the man who frees her as familiar but there's no description of him at all. A reader needs to feel connected to the story and I would have liked a description so I could picture in my head who this mysterious person might have been if it was me.
Also, you say "Who are you" a dark voice asked followed by "Who are you" I asked again. Well, no she didn't. The other person in the room asked first.
It's by no means a terrible story or idea and with a bit of polish could work really well but right now, it's just not gripping me.
It's and interesting idea but for me, I think you've focused on the wrong part of the story.
The story arc (as it is) is a lot about him having a broken leg then, as an afterthought his mum signs him up for a wheelchair basketball league.
That for me should be the focus of the story. Get his leg broke, ignore the hospital part then focus more on the wheelchair part. Perhaps end the story with him scoring the winning basket or being accepted fully into the team (a player with a broken leg is different from a differently able person).
But it's very good. Well told, nice pace, flows well.
Good story, an almost unexpected twist. I say almost because the story, for me anyway, led me to believe she'd perhaps done something to Derek but, before the surprise ending, you mention that she couldn't stand the thought that he and his mistress would get the children so I knew then he was still alive.
If your intention was to have us believe she'd done something to Derek and if it was my story, I would also have added in between mentioning the other woman and "would the officer see..." I'd have just put "how I hated him" to give a bit of motive.
Even though it's only a short I really felt for the woman and could understand her actions.
Good story and great twist. I really didn't see it coming.
Couple of points if I may. The first is to do with the computer itself. I know that technology moves ever forward and there probably is computers working now to calculate all possible options but I'm struggling to find it believable that a computer would be put in a room with a suspect if it hadn't been thoroughly tested. Of course, this could be explained in the dialogue about it never having solved a crime with "Not yet but in simulations I achieved a 99.97% accuracy rating" which, for me anyway would only add credibility to the detective's argument because although in standard tests the computer is fine, in the real world it cannot cope.
My second point is with the detective himself. He seems very old school, using physical photographs instead of a phone / computer / tablet to show the suspect pictures. I find it hard to believe he'd know what a teraflop is unless he heard it mentioned in whatever advertising stuff came with the computer but even then, he probably wouldn't know what context to use it.
I like this story a lot. In just a few words, you were able to portray a character, make her emotionally accessible and tell a very good story too. I honestly thought that the parents were going to get away with it but you managed to make their demise plausible as well. Good job.
Good story. It certainly kept me interested all through the end. A lot of techno-speak but not done in such a way that it felt overwhelming.
If I could just bring to your attention something that didn't ring true with me though. You said: "When he looked up, his face was clear of any emotion." but started the next paragraph with "Detective Osborn could see the emotions on Kevin’s face"
I just don't see how a face could be clear of any emotion but the detective could see emotion on his face.
I like this story. It has a good pace, flows well and does engage all my senses. I can taste the crisp night and hear the chatter of the city.
Where I do have a minor issue is with the blackness. You state that the shop lights and street lights go out but that wouldn't cause total blackness. NYC at that time of night, especially if the trains weren't running would be packed with traffic, all with headlights. Equally, all cell phones emit a light and if everyone but the hero is carrying one, there'd be a lot of small lights around him.
On the whole, I liked this story. Good pace, good story that seems to be well thought out.
If I could offer just a couple of points that struck me.
The first is you do, on occasion repeat your words but in a different order. An example: " turned left toward the forest. Reaching the edge of the woods, he again turned left. After a time he turned left again.". For me, this would have read better if he'd turned left again then turned left a third time.
The other thing is that you state that he knew a bandage would serve no purpose as the wound was too deep. That's fine but then you state a major artery had not been severed. At the time the story is set, we didn't know enough about the human body to know about arteries. He simply wouldn't have had the knowledge.
As far as the story behind the poem goes, I think it's very good. Certainly it tells a complete tale.
Where I have problems is that the flow doesn't feel right to me. Some rhymes roll off the tongue nicely whereas others seem to end too abruptly and feel like they need another word in the line to make it sound more flowing.
If I can give you an example:
My will shall never falter
Nor drag me back to the alter
The first line is just too abrupt. If it was me, I'd try to make it longer. Something like: My will, I know, shall never falter.
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