Initial reaction:
This was a good story. I love the idea of the face in the tree coming to life. The stories just seem right as something kids would make up about the kind of guy that he was.
Negatives:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
Quite a few mistakes in here, you could give it a re-read and smooth a few things out. The judging isn’t influenced by this though, it is on the story and prompt usage alone. I will re-read this again if you ever decide to re-write it or work on it.
Prompt: A story about an axe or a hatchet.
Storyline and Prompt Usage: The axe was used in this story and played an important role in the development of the story. The story itself was a nasty little piece that made for a fun but creepy read. Very enjoyable stuff.
This story has so much to go on. It has so much in there that as a story it works well. The storyline is good and I cannot imagine how it would feel to go through all of the emotions that something like this would make a person encounter.
What I Liked:
The opening tells the reader exactly what this story is all about and a lot of emotion in one simple sentence. Brad felt at times that he had lost his wife too.
I like the whole Idea you have, including the positive ending.
The setting is great and the emotion the characters feel comes across really well. The feeling they had been living a nightmare practically comes off the screen when reading.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
I don't know the rules of the contest, but at times I felt I was reading a checklist of contents for a story. The storyline is there, but it feels like it needs a little filling out, somehow.
I enjoyed this read. Was quick and straight to the point. Nothing waisted here, everything in the writing either gave me an emotional hit or told me what was happening. Not a single waisted line.
Prompt: Tell me a horror story under 1000 words about zombies
Storyline and Prompt Usage: Brilliant. I absolutely loved this story. The action and description in there were all spot on and you made me read faster and faster as the panic grew.
I loved the line: A female figure with her jaw hanging loosely gargled something with a swing of her head and hobbled slowly in my direction.
Made a really vivid picture to me.
The descriptions. The narration. The everything about it. Just brilliant stuff. Couldn't have had a better little sunday morning read.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
Well, it never came. They money never came out.
Story Comments/Feelings:
This story was a brilliant read. It read well from begining to end. The way you write just works.
Your main character, the narrator, is brilliant. I love his way of telling the story in his kind of matter of fact, this is happening way.
The descriptions of the queue at the ATM are great fun. Well written with humour and terror combined. You formed some really good and some really nasty images in my head.
I loved the family reaction and I loved the reaction of those who suspect queue jumping, it's to real, but sent to the extremes.
This was such a good read, I'm so glad I had a little dip in your port, I will be doing it again sometime for sure.
This story has left me with a smile. Truly magical. Beautiful.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
both a brilliant blue color with a small, oval stone exactly the silvery color of her eyes right in the middle.
To me, this reads a little awkwardly. Maybe a little restructuring of this little bit might help. I have no suggestions and only point this out as this story is brilliantly written.
Story Comments/Feelings:
A story that left me with a smile and the feeling that magic really does exist.
You have written this piece beautifully, you trapped magic in your words and gave it to me as a reader.
It isn't often I'm left smiling when I read a piece but you got me with this one.
In such a short piece you have captured so much. Your characters are wonderful. The dragon and it's mother both have a wonderful magical feel to them. The whole setting of the story is well written.
You have a brilliant little story on your hands here and it was an absolute pleasure to read.
A supernatural group review A part of the supernatural group review raid!
Initial reaction:
Nice, very nicely done. When I first seen the block of text I thought this would be a battle. It wasn't, it was a good read.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
As I said above, the text looked forboding until I started reading. A little cosmetic work would do wonders.
It would be easier on the eye if the speech was seperated from the main body of text: The old woman's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she was silent for a long moment. Then, in a voice barely above a whisper she said "Your life is in terrible danger."
Nothing in here a quick read through wouldn't fix
Story Comments/Feelings:
I liked this story. It had good characters and a good plot.
The ending was unpredictable and landed me with a nice suprise. (If nice is the appropriate word for this )
It flowed well and I really like the way you use your words as though telling the story.
A good continuation of the tale. Unrevised you say? This is still a very readable chapter of what is becoming, for me, a very good story.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
The only negative I have here isn't anything to do with your writing, you pointed out it still needs work (where? I don't know, seems well written to me.) Why has this only got 2 1/2 stars??
Story Comments/Feelings:
Again your characters are true to themselves and the action in this scene displays your descriptive talents a little more. Especially the creature flexing itself, I could see three knuckled finger as they flexed.
You still have that element of humour running through the narrative and speech and it isn't fading whatsoever.
The following description made me smile as well as helped light up the scene for me:
Eddie shook his head, walking towards me. It was dark, but there was enough moonlight leaking in to cast enough light to navigate without breaking a leg.
Just that without breaking a leg part is worth its weight in gold.
I'm enjoying this story still and look forward to reading the next chapter.
You have created some excellent characters here and all of them have their charms, even the unlikable barman.
This is well written and the style you have makes for enjoyable reading with a smile never far from the lips.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
As you say this is unrevised and I didn't really see anything wrong with this piece.
Story Comments/Feelings:
I like the way at the begining you instantly add a class division, something that is denied but is obvious to everyone who ever goes anywhere.
I love your narrative too, the way your character carries himself is consistent throughout in his speech and in his narration. You can see his personality in both.
There is a humour running all the way through this, dark and hidden but there to keep a smile appearing every now and again.
I absolutely loved this little piece of dialogue:
“Miss?” I said, leaving the statement open ended.
“Ally, call me Ally.” She said calmly, casting her eyes towards the floor.
“Right. Ally. Would you mind getting the **** on with it?”
Typical of the character and of the humour you have in there.
This has been another good chapter bringing the storyline forward as well as letting us know the characters a lot more.
Looks like exciting things to come and i think I'm going to enjoy following this adventure further.
This is brilliant and I absolutely love the style and voice you give your main character. It runs in his speech and also in the narrative making him the obvious storyteller. The story itself reminded me a little of Neverwhere or American Gods by neil gaiman, not sure which one, long time since I read those.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don't review grammar and spelling, but I'll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
I stagger stepped towards the door, pulling it open.
This just seems out of place, I would use staggered personally. Then again, stagger stepped seems pretty descriptive of what he did so maybe it works this way. Just pointing it out have to put something in this space.
I have no social security card, no driver's liscence, and a throw away pre paid phone that I replace weekly.
Once it open and firmly in hand he settled back in the worn, overstuffed fake leather chair and sighed.
Spotted these as this piece is well written. Speech marks were missing in there somewhere but as you say, this is to be revised.
Story Comments/Feelings:
This introduction to the story grabbed me and has made me want to continue.
The characters are well written and the dialogue between them is fantastic.
This is well written and although I dont usually read fantasy (I absolutely love Neil Gaiman's stories) you have me hooked and I really look forward to following this story as it continues.
Thank you for a great read and I look forward to more.
Where have you been the last 28 years?
This is brilliant. Chilling. It has a certain niceness to it that to me as a reader, draws me in.
You know something bad is going to happen and the scariest horror in my opinion is when bad things happen to good people.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
Still and old man sharpening an axe, but more than that, much more.
The still and old man bit throws me a little. I think the d should be off. Had to point this out as, in this story and how well it is written, one small error (if it is an error and I haven't misread it somehow) really stands out.
Story Comments/Feelings:
The start of this brings back memories, the swings, the sundays playing and the ice cream van. Right away you got me hooked in with the appreciation of the simple things in life.
The Character have excellent and distinctive speech pattern and are well described.
The actions are brilliantly brought across, I like the attempts at pulling the cord especially. I could see it happening.
I love the workings of the grind wheel. Sounds like a crazy contraption.
The changes and mysteriousness of everything come across very clearly and bring the sense of "something bad is about to happen" across well.
I actually can't say enough about this piece, I really, really enjoyed it.
28 years you say? Must be just like riding a bike.
Gruesome, brilliant and horrible all at the same time. Very enjoyable story with brilliant characters and athmosphere.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
“That noise isn’t me. I have the tape right here. I picked it up.” He showed him the recording machine.
I think this machine should have been mentioned earlier, maybe when the prank was revealed, I didn't know why it was there for a moment. Maybe thats just me though.
Story Comments/Feelings:
This was a brilliant read. It had a good relationship between the older and younger brother. The story the older told, even begining with the "It was a dark and stormy night" then being told that it was too cliche by his younger brother was brilliantly written.
The way the plot was set up worked well. In fact, it all worked well.
It was a really good read and left me with images and the feeling of insects under my skin.
creepy this, it's kind of like the "you go there and you're doomed" speech from some old films.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
A few things in there but that could just be part of the speech pattern so I can't really comment.
Story Comments/Feelings:
I like this. I took the warning and won't be heading down them ways anytime soon.
Something creepy about the way you bring across that they act one way when strangers are around but go back to what they do when they're gone. I'd love to know more about that.
Brilliant, original, poetic, weird, strange, scary and excellently written.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see. It's only personal opinion and means no harm
Nothing, this was just totally so original, so out there, I couldn't spot a mistake.
Story Comments/Feelings:
Pure dialogue is hard. Pure dialogue without naming characters directly, without describing them directly and without describing anything outside of the dialogue can't be possible can it?
But you did it. Somehow, you just pulled off somthing so incredibly strange and so incredibly weird I'm scratching me head to work out how you did it.
I loved the layout. I loved the conversations and I even love the way that the other speech is so easily incorperated into the conversation in the dark.
I absolutely loved this and think you have a brilliant piece on your hands there.
Entertaining stuff. A few good laughs in this story and I really look forward to seeing more.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see.
The story could be spread out a little more, an extra spaced line in the speech would make it cosmetically better (to me) but apart from that, nothing obviously wrong with this,
Story Comments/Feelings:
I enjoyed it. I like the style of the writing, there is a hidden laugh behind everything in this story. The way you bring the characters through in humour is brilliant. The bat locked in the room becoming a vampire is a great idea and also the fact he warns that not all vampires are nice is a reminder that this won't be funny all the time, there is a hidden horror lurking behind the whole scene.
Well written and a good story idea.
I enjoyed this,
The sympathy I had for this poor old lady turned to anger at the end. How devious.
A nice read and a nice little piece of rythmical nastiness.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see.
I really can't comment on layout or presentation, I'm not over familiar with styles of poetry so I read it as a story within the poem.
Story Comments/Feelings:
Initially, I really felt sorry for this poor old lonely woman. I felt for her, her lonliness, her failure to plan for the party. Not until I found out why she had planned the party did my feelings change.
It read well and the idea of what was happening came across clearly.
Initial reaction:
This is genuinely moving. It has a shiver in it to send a tingle down the spine but the realisation of who the ghost he saw as a child was is a very, very moving moment.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see.
I was drawn to the time when I was fourteen, the sad day that my mother was buried.
The age inconsitancy confused me for a moment. I think it is just a genuine mistake. You state you were 14 but you were 9 when you seen the ghost the next time you mention it:
I knew that I, as a nine year old boy, lay on my bed upstairs, the last door on the right. This was a night that long haunted me, the night I realized what death was and that people you loved were never really coming back.
Nothing else I seen wrong with this.
Story Comments/Feelings:
This story is absolutely brilliant, I'm so glad I took the time to read. It was a pleasure.
It plays emotionally and also plays (in a small way) as a lesson against drink driving.
It is very well written and the way you narrate the entire story really puts us into the thoughts of the main character, both as a child and adult.
I dont know whether to laugh or be scared. A nice touch of comedy in the horror here.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see.
Nothing really apart from the fact the story isn't finished yet, Ill have to read again when it's ready.
Story Comments/Feelings:
It looks to me like you have a brilliant comedy/horror here. I only wish my first read was of the finished article.
I like what you have already, a few chuckles in there among the horrible scenes of worms exiting mouths and so on.
The ideas you have to continue look like there is more of this to come and I look forward to seeing it.
Please let me know as the story develops.
Especially what will happen when the gran disappears from the shed.
What you have so far is well written and well described. The character of gran is particularily clear. I like the visuals of her and the way she acts as though she has just woken from a slumber.
I'm cold. You just chilled me.
A very good and very original story. Started off totally surreal and ended with the promised horror. The horror was absolute and made me gape at the story.
Negatives/Mistakes:I don’t review grammar and spelling, but I’ll point out anything obvious I see.
The story is a mass of text without any defining spaces. Maybe you could seperate the different scenes.
Other than that I had no problems reading this.
Story Comments/Feelings:
Totally original. It comes across at the begining as though it is a dream sequence, mixing itself up, creatures changing shape, the works.
As things happen, the horror of the story dawns upon you, shows itself until the climax which is utterly terrifying.
I pictured the whole thing in my head and even in my mind it was a scary image.
I'm glad you relieved me at the end
Very, very enjoyable story!
Thank you for the read,
------------Stuckintime2001------------
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
P.S... Looking a your name there, Ive gotta say that the Brittania is one of my favourite away grounds nowdays. Glad your still up!
A beautifully written piece that wouldn't be out of place in a story of the the Greek or even Norse gods. It actually reminds me of one in particular but I cant think of which story. Narcissus and Echo comes to mind.
The story is emotional and after the feeling of sorrow you have for the god, you feel anger at him for how he treats the people. At the same time, it also means that if nothing cruel or bad is done, the gift of memory would be an absolute treasure.
I reviewed another werewolf story earlier today that was a completely different style to this and I dont usually read werewolves.
Negatives out the way first, well hard to find anything so I'll point out a mistake and the only mistake was a word repeat: I had had heard of bearded ladies in circus sideshows, and I didn't want to become one.
This story was quite a moving tale of growing up and friends growing apart as they aged at different speeds.
I really felt sorry for Becky as she was getting treated worse and worse by her best friend.
I also, though, like the way Jill was right in a way. If you werent part of the group, being scared of Mrs. Pritchett was definately the right thing to be. But, well, it does sound like there was a hell of a halloween party there that night.
I loved this, it was moving and incredibly well written.
Right, I usually start by writing the negatives and mistakes I have noticed. I don't do grammar.
The only thing I can see a struggle with about the continuity of this story is the memory and that is a hard subject to touch on. Remembering somthing as though it was yesterday when it was something forgotten is difficult but can happen with something sparking the memory.
I thought you handled that incredibly well.
The story itself was smooth to read, flowed right the way through and was totally enjoyable.
By the end I was itching to know who was on the video and what the hell was going on. It came clear alright and it was somthing so simple I hadnt even thought of it. It also seemed to explain the power the person on screen had without even having to explain why.
Also somthing on the video that grabbed me was: The bottoms were ripped
from being dragged on the ground. My white Reebok sneakers were littered with
immature Chicken scratch. A great 90's... early noughties flashback!! Although Im sure I still dress like that
I loved this story, and I like the humour your character uses out of nervousness as well as the wickedness of the man on the screen.
The ending was great and finished with a final shiver.
First let me say that I enjoyed this story. I've heard of this character quite a lot on the past and I was happy to see him suddenly appear here in a great little story. The legend lives on! A bit nastier now I see.
Okay, I won't review on grammar, I never do, I make more mistakes than most in my own so all I will post is my own opinion on the story.
Don't take anything negative to heart, I like this story and the negative bits I'm pointing out are just things I seen and thought you could fix with a quick re-read.
At the begining the two seperate characters could have seperate lines, not a must but would just make it easier on the eye. A man stopped to stare when the strangely dressed man passed. “Hey! You in the top hat!” he called after him. The figure stopped, and then turned his head. “Yes?” he said in a strong East London accent.
A little later after following the man you say: He drug the man into the shadows.
I wouldn't usually say drug, I'd say dragged but to be honest I don't know if it's correct or not, I'll have to check that out, thanks for the thought though.
You say all most when you mean almost. Easy mistake to make when typing a story up. Just noticed it and thought I'd let you know.
8.35AM could be clearer, explain Jack was hit by the car more clearly and not quite as matter of factly.
12.45PM Just a little more description on what happens in the hostage situation would make it a lot clearer to me.
Okay okay enough negativity.
The story itself is excellent, there is a nice touch of fun about Jack making him a good well written character who although you know he is not a nice guy whatsoever, the reader (me) kind of sympathises with him.
The story itself is well laid out and it continues through the day in good order. The addition of the times things happen in the story is a nice touch and seperates what is happening well.
I like the matter of fact way the story is told, it is like being told the story, it would be good to have more description in key areas but the way it is has a feeling of being told the story by sombody.
All in all, I like this, the story, the style and also the fact I know the character.
Okay, what can I say, you out did your carrot story with this absolutely "Bravo cool" piece of work.
Lucas was a brilliant character but Jonah was as well written as any I have ever come across, he was well described in his mannerisms and actions, I can't see a single fault.
Jonahs grin put a grin on my face for a lot of the time.
Some things I can point out are just a few things I'm sure you would fix with a read through or two:
"I approached Jonah with my hand extended."
When did you do this? Just say when he first arrived at the home or something along them lines.
"Jonah was hoovering over his bed, not only that but he was glowingin a neon blue light. And when he snored something else
turned on and off."
What was it, what did it do? Also you dont need to say he was glowing a neon blue "light" neon blue would do.
"But he wont because i will forever be dumb."
sounds out of character, I'll be dumb forever, seems more correct for jonah, in my opinion.
You mixed the characters up in this segment:
" "Sure thing" I said. I shook my head and followed Lucas to the truck.
That was when I first saw the true power that Lucas possessed. Not only did he have the ability to resurrect a fly.
But he also had the ability to destroy."
There may be a few more in there but I stopped caring anyway as I was enjoying the story too much.
Your writing style comes across to me as if you write your stories with a smile, there seems to be a humour running right through this, even at the times when the actual humour in the story story stops your style kept me enjoying the read and the finding out what was happening.
The surroundings such as the nursing home were not so well described but the happenings took me away from that and made it just something that existed in the background and it didnt matter too much the about the surroundings they were in.
I wont do any grammatical comments as I'm not qualified to do that and to be honest, I dont care.
I loved this story,
I love the characters
It was a brilliant read!
I like everything about it, it has driving fast on the road, ghosts and revenge.
The story is great.
I don't usually criticize grammar, I'm not good enough to do that, but there are a lot of mistakes in this story.
I would recommend reading through it a few times and iron out the creases.
Do not change the story itself though, you have a gem here, a story I really liked.
I will read it again if you update it, it is of course your choice.
Thankyou for the story, its an enjoyable tale.
Stuckintime
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