Could use a little work, but there is definitely potential.
Suggestions:
real as it seams~~"seams" is correctly spelled "seems"
so you can say its/been done~~take the "its" off the first line, and put it on the second.
Also, consider changing the description, to something that describes the poem more accurately. The average reader doesn't quite mind if it's lyrical or not. Try for a quick, pert, non-spoiler phrase.
On the good side... your non-use of punctuation, plus the non-capitalization, added to the feel of the poem. Nice job there. Also, the description in the poem itself; really really good.
It could use a little work, but this is a good, strong poem, and it will definitely earn its share of high ratings.
Trying to keep/My own soul is taking a giant leap~~doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps take away the "is" and replace it with "from"--Trying to keep/My own soul from taking a giant leap? At any rate, you should change it so that "Trying to keep" is no longer a fragment on its own.
My favourite line(s):
Wanting peace
But do I get it? Not in the least
Their entire lives becoming the 'as of lates'
Shattered dreams
And so many distant screams
Actually, there were many lines that I loved; these are only two of them, as I don't want to clog up the review with a transcript of the entire poem.
There is so much potential in this poem! Thanks for a great read. Keep writing,
Nothing to improve on, in my opinion. Totally deserves the 5 stars. Congrats...
If our leaders continue to act in the way they are now, there will indeed be "more blood in the sand". Great job on a sad, clear haiku on one of the saddest aspects of human existence...
A poem about death in its many forms... and about how it entertwines with religion. I've always liked poems that mix one concept with another. Great job.
Favourite Line(s)
Crying teenager, whose friend passed away,
cursing the god who created this day;
begging for truth in a world full of lies,
needing an answer, yet there's no reply.
(A friend of a friend of mine passed away a while ago. My friend did exactly the same thing that this stanza describes.)
Suggestions/Recommendations
Wise, content man, lying on his death bed,/smiling upon the life he has led;~~the first line doesn't quite ring with the rhythm of the rest of the poem. Perhaps rewrite it?
We'll be together in heaven again,/just hold mommy's hand and whisper amen."~~capitalize "mommy" and "amen", I think those are usually capitalized.
Add "Death" to the genres, since most of the stanzas concern it.
Typos
None.
Final Thoughts
A sad poem, full of insight about the way religion affects us... Looking forward to seeing it finished! Keep writing,
I don't really think I enjoy being put in the same category as a painting of a cow, but I'll take my compliments where I can get them.
Right, and the Pope, God Rest His Soul, was actually a Buddhist monk.
Suggestions/Recommendations
"Maybe if you let your hair down a bit," Greg (that's his name) would say, while petting his pet poodle gently.~~take out the "gently" at the end of the line, and put it in front of "petting"; maybe even take it out altogether. Adverbs are not to be used lightly.
"Yeah, yeah, save the compliments for later," I cut in, already scribbling a note for Greg in case he showed up.~~seems kind of mean for Becky to just say this to a nice, random guy, doesn't it? Maybe you could reword it so that the effect was the same, but not so dismissive.
Spelling/Grammar
"I'm here to..." he began, but I silenced him before he can continue.~~"can" should be "could".
Final Thoughts
The description was what pulled me in, and I enjoyed the rest of the story too! Keep on writing,
Clean, straightforward, to the point. No nonsense. And very easy to understand. (Not like some other polls I've seen! )
Suggestions/Recommendations
I see that you've rated this poll 18+; why is that? It talks about birth, but even little kids can handle that. I recommend bumping it down to an ASR at least, maybe even an E. You'd also get more votes if you lowered the rating, as very few people put up filters for ASR but a lot more for 18+. Just something to consider.
Spelling/Grammar
Uncapitalize "Boy" and "Girl" in A Boy or A Girl?, and also in the item description.
Overall
Straightforward poll with no messing about! Keep on writing,
I liked the way the rhythm stayed steady, and the voice as well; word choice was simple but appropriate and I love the perspective.
Suggestions/Ideas
The only "problem" I had, was with the second stanza:
"You think I'm your shadow.
'cause when you run and hide.
I am right there with you.
sitting by your side."
I recommend changing the first line to "You think that I'm your shadow". It preserves the rhythm of the other first lines of the other stanzas... phew!
On the middle two lines, maybe change the periods to commas? It just doesn't quite look right the way it is now.
Grammatically? Clear. Spelling-wise? Clear.
Last Look...
A rhyming poem from the perspective of a shadowy creature... well done!
This is beautiful. So sad... and the imagery is vivid, strong, colourful, identifiable. The choice of colours and etc. really worked well with the poem itself. Congrats.
Suggestions/Ideas...
In the third verse: "Between singed skins/and charred bones,/beneath rubbles,/and cold stones,/we lie.../we die..."--"rubbles" doesn't exist; it's only "rubble," that is to say minus the "s".
In the last verse: "Can you not see?/we're also victims here"--capitalize the "we're". It looks a little odd from where I'm reading it right now.
Last Look...
A sorrowful tribute to those overlooked in Israel. A freeverse poem full of vivid words and strong emotion...
Let's face it. I've been trawling the whole of WDC for THE perfect love story... and I've found it! Here! This one! Mind, when I say "perfect", I mean plotwise, characterwise, twists-and-turns-and-etc.-wise. Grammatically--could use a bit of revision. But in the realm of imagination, of ideas and the like, this one is perfect. Wonderful. Off-the-charts. Hits-the-notes. In short... it's very simply the best love story I've ever read, on WDC or off!
Now to the painful stuff.
The main thing I keep cropping up against that is strictly "wrong" in a work of writing is, whenever you insert a quote into the middle of the sentence, the word after it is usually capitalized--even if it doesn't need to be. For example:
"Sophie smiled at him, "Oh, I have some ideas..." She said as she tilted her head up to kiss him. He looked down at her with love, and obliged."
The "She" right after the quotes should be de-capitalized. This shows up a lot in the story, and it does throw a reader off-balance for a moment, but then it passes--not the biggest mistake in the world.
OK, back to the good stuff...
What I liked about this can be summarized in two statements: one, the characters were believable, I could identify with them; and two, everything did turn out OK in the end. This last one may seem kinda trite to most but I've been drowning in dark, deathly, depressive poetry/poetic prose for the past, oh, three months or so. Lately a romantic episode or two in my own life has led me to scour WDC for a good romance I could relax in. And I found yours. Nothing more needs to be said.
Ooh, fun! Can't think of anything to add to this, or make it better, or even anything remotely wrong--it was that good. Well actually there is one thing that bothers me a little. Why not capitalize the beginning of every line, not every sentence? The majority of poems I've read, and trust me I go through something like a ton per day, do that. Just something worth considering.
But overall really fun to read, and amusing! Enjoy the gift points I'm sending.
I liked the brevity, and the simplicity. Good job!
I recommend un-capitalizing all the words except for "Sunshine"... to me, at least, it looks better that way. Mostly because, sunshine is sort of random and wild and uncivilized--in the nicest sense, --and to me, uncapitalized poetry seems fresher, less bound, less limited.
I'll get that email in as soon as possible... better yet, I'll create my own list, stick it in my port, and add a link to yours!!! What say you?
These are the ones your list and mine would have in common though:
"35. Be as elegant as Audrey Hepburn."
I am chronically clumsy but I adore graceful girls.
"1. Be published."
I'm a writer--duh!
"4. Subscribe to every magazine I want. Something to read coming to my house in steady increments with no effort on my part except sending a check is appealing."
I read National Geographic and Time Magazine. What about you?
"42. Stop spending even one second in the company of people I dislike."
Ahh, the great one! Unfortunately I would have to move to the opposite side of the world to do this, because my mother is very very veeerrryyy big on social respect and blah blah blah. *retches* Sorry, these things make me sick.
Fun! I liked the way almost everything--okay, EVERYTHING, period--rhymed. And the preoccupation with beans. (In real life, do you subsist on beans alone, or is that only in imagination?)
Some polish would be added by adding a space after all the "bean-ending" lines, ie the ones like
"Over a second bowl of beans"
and etc. To me, it would just be funnier that way.
Also the 'finaly' in the second-to-last line, should be spelled 'finally'.
What I liked:
~Strong, at times distant voice--appropriate for this kind of writing.
What could use work:
~Perhaps repeat "It could be over/It would be over/(but it hasn't yet finished its destruction)" once more in the second half of the poem? It was very catchy.
Spelling/Grammar:
~In "Mirrored with bold but translucent occular memories", 'occular' is spelled 'ocular'.
Overall:
~A strong piece with plenty of voice! Keep on writing,
This is your first piece? Wow. You are a good writer.
I enjoyed reading this; I am fascinated by the intrigue around Lady Jane Grey and by her short life. However I have not been able to find very much on her. Thanks for writing about this often-forgotten lady.
I suggest putting spaces between the paragraphs. It's tedious work, I know that from experience, but it really does readers good.
Also, consider changing the last sentence from
"And so the traitor-heroine of the Reformation was dead."
to
"And that was how the traiter-heroine of the Reformation died."
It seems more in tune with the tense that the rest of your story is written in.
Oh, good. Great voice, and a right mix of passive and agressive/dream and reality in there. I enjoyed reading it very much.
My favourite aspect was that you rotated between the calming, pleasant world of dreams to the harshness of reality--and also that you occasionally used rhyme in an otherwise free verse poem.
The last verse,
"so on his life goes/without her/stuck in a world/no love no hope/noone there"
could use a bit of editing though. I recommend putting a comma between "no love" and "no hope", and I think "noone" has a space between no and one.
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. That's the one word that comes to mind to describe it, beautiful. The parallels between the girl in the poem and me is almost scary.
Overall this was a good read; it flowed well, not always easy in free verse, and the voice was evident throughout the entire thing. However there was this one line--
"the pain he has is from long ago"
Maybe you should change the "is" to "was", since the rest of the poem is past tense.
"his gental soul was no where to be seen"
The correct form of "gental" is "gentle".
But I too wish that the one I loved would just open up and let me help him. I wish. My wishes never come true though.
And before I get carried away, these are my favourite lines:
"but if he didn't soon open up/the silence would kill her/he loved her she knew/but this silence that he sometimes showed her was no good"
I know he loves me, I just wish he'd acknowledge it. And also:
"she wanted to tell him that she loved him/but sometimes it was pointless/he looked at her like she was not even there/silence and pain was in his eyes"
Are you absolutely sure you don't know me? This poem hits the bulls-eye so perfectly I'd swear you read my journal.
Yeah, I agree. "I love you." Three most important words in the world, and also the ones most full of meaning... second place is "I hate you." Neither are to be taken lightly as I know at my cost. (Don't ask. *grimaces*)
The end lines though could use a little polishing. Maybe rewrite as
"Only then, can I say those words that I want to:
~~~I love you!~~~"
For me the colon is more appropriate, I can't really explain why. *grimaces again*
Huh. Funny. Says here that I got 12 out of 17... about a C... which is dead ironic because I AM a seventh-grader! Ooookaaay... but overall a fun quiz.
However I did catch something wrong. This one:
15. Africa:
What fly carries the deadly disease Malaria?
* Tsetse
* Mosquito
* Reaper
* Kiwi
Malaria is not transmitted by flies, but by mosquitoes (and female mosquitoes at that! The ultimate femme fatale). Tsetse flies carry something known as the 'sleeping sickness'. Trust me on this question. I live in Cameroon, Africa, prime mozzie habitat. Malaria here is given the same level of priority as serial killers in the rest of the world. One of my friends caught malaria and nearly died--he's okay now. Rule no. 1 here is "See mosquito, slap mosquito." Maybe you should change the question?
I liked your poem. It had the kind of wistful hesitancy that I call 'dreaming' and others term 'daydreaming'. There is nothing really left to be done on it. Congratulations!
What I really enjoyed was the sense of the narrator's dreaming of 'someday', a better day, to get him/herself through the roughness of today. I do that too. It's an easy way of persuading yourself to work harder now, because tomorrow, it will pay off.
Or at least, I hope it will. :)
Anyways, am enclosing 50gps because of a wonderful poem. Congrats again!
This is a great poem. I have lost friends before. But there is one verse that strikes me, this one:
"So many things we
shared.Yet
so many things I held back. All those unshared
thoughts, I whisper them to you.
You don't answer."
My best friend and I lost contact after I moved away. Now I keep a diary and address it to her. Those lines are exactly how I feel towards her every single time I put my pen to paper and begin, "Dear Elise . . ."
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 8:17am on May 17, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Wise, content man, lying on his death bed,/smiling upon the life he has led;~~the first line doesn't quite ring with the rhythm of the rest of the poem. Perhaps rewrite it?
We'll be together in heaven again,/just hold mommy's hand and whisper amen."~~capitalize "mommy" and "amen", I think those are usually capitalized.
Add "Death" to the genres, since most of the stanzas concern it.
)