Fantastic! I love the piece.
I have trouble with setting, but the beginning description sets the mood and scene perfectly.
I love the interplay between Shekhar and Anu, the bed making.
The explanation in the shower scene was great for the next scene with her son and husband.
I love the innocent comment the son makes about her "migraines".
The only thing I wondered was where did Shekhar go? If he left, how did he get past Sujay? Or does Sujay know him, maybe he is an "uncle"?
All questions which indicate a great start to a story, congratulations :)
I love the idea! I think this would make a fantastic children's book, maybe a target audience of 6-7 year olds?
I love the beginning of your character development for Discord and Flutterfly.
I do have a few things to mention, just my opinions, please if you feel I misunderstood or didn't get where you going just dismiss 'em :)
He tried to run to Fluttershy, but closer he got to her, the more powerful quakes from the power of her hooves were
Hooves?
I thought Fluttershy was an elf like Discord. I’m thinking maybe some descriptive sentences in the first paragraph may help… An example: (Fluttershy said timidly as her tail swished meekly and her centaur hooves pawed the floor nervously)
Discord, meanwhile, was close to getting to her hooves, when Fluttershy shifted her hoof just a tiny bit, making Discord fly away through air. He closed his eyes out of pure fear.
Confusing, shouldn’t he be stepped on, not flown through the air? If you need Discord to fly through the air… May I suggest the flicker of Flutterfly’s tail or maybe a breeze from the open door? With the next paragraph of Discord getting caught in Flutterfly’s tail, I’m thinking breeze from door.
After long minutes of forcing his was throuhg the rug forest, Discord managed to finally step on the cold white floor. Just when he sighed, Fluttershy was coming out from her shower
I’m confused, I thought Discord was in the shower with Flutterfly… her tail should be in the shower anyway.
He was stuck under the castle-sized towel, which smelled of shampoo and was drenched in still warm water.
LOVE this sentence. I can see the action and scene… Castle sized… great description.
I have to admit I was disappointed with the end of the story. I wanted to meet twilight... if Discord needed the nap why couldnt he "ride" on Flutterfly while she took him to twilight...
I kinda like the "play" between Flutterfly and Discord, but it seemed to take a frightening turn when... I would love to have some fun with you” Fluttershy then dropped Discord on the floor, and then she said, “Look at you, so tiny and helpless, I might just not notice you while I walk around, *gigggle*” She then raised her hooves, walking around the room
Overall: A Good Start. With some rewrites and a bit of imagination I can see a wonderful story to delight children. Keep Writing!
WOW! I liked the story. There a some great paragraphs and the entire concept of the story is wonderful.
In my humble opinion, you could start the story from...
The first time I caught a glimpse of the old man was from the passenger seat of my father’s Jeep Liberty
... without losing a beat. Actually I think it give a momentum to the beginning that the reader can use in finding out about the old man in the window.
Another suggestion...
The overheard conversation in the store should be a conversation... not just a summary of what was said...
My favorite sentences:
We were on the edge of town when something caught my eye. I had my father pull over and I got out and quietly walked closer. A burial was happening by the old cherry blossom tree in the cemetery. There were only two people in the cemetery. A priest, and an old man who sat by the casket.
I knew something was going to happen... a great set up to the ending scene.
I was given the link to your story through my email by writing.com, noted as a surprise read. It wasn't too long and I had a few minutes so I thought I'd review it.
I think it is a great first draft! I can see where you're wanting to go with the story.
Although I was very confused at first. I thought Maria may have been a renaissance post maiden... I wasn't really given a time period to go by and then to find she was a nun, surprised me even more... especially when Benvolio's thoughts wandered to an earlier tryst.
I am completely lost about the conversation between Maria and Benvolio... there wasn't any background knowledge for me try and figure out the sides or context of the conversation... All I pretty much know is that Teresa is doing something with Maria's brother? And that there may be some politics/illegal activity in the church?
As for the scene with the thieves it didn't seem real or tense. Where was the descriptive aspect to the scene. Give me some feelings... anyone's feelings. Also so background information... How did Benvolio defeat them so easily? Is he a guard? Honestly I was thinking he was a farmer or young priest.
What was so important in that satchel?
Then the "sex" scene felt forced... There were no feelings, no hints of sexual tension. The act even seemed a bit rushed?
I did like
“Take off your habit,” he said, voice straining with desire.
She pulled it over her head as he untied his britches. She gazed wide-eyed at his poised manhood. He lifted her once more onto the bed of the cart. His fingers fumbled with the laces holding her breasts and they spilled into plain and open view. He put a huge hand over each, squeezing the soft curves and kneading the nipples. Gripping one he kissed it...
And then wham bam thank you ma'am... ???
As I said it is a great first draft... I can see where your going. With future revisions I'm sure it will be a fiery passage of intrigue, excitement and desire.
I don't get the creepy uncle vibe any longer.
I also get the idea of the flashback now that the paragraph is separate and italicized. Just a thought, and feel free to ignore, maybe if the flashback had a lead in. It seemed bit sudden, nothing major maybe just a hint... Rayne remembered, or just jostle the sentences:
Yesterday he had fallen from his nest and apparently into the jaws of a cat with his life holding by a mere thread Rayne found him...
Just my humblest opinions, please you know best.
Still love the part where she healed Rupert! Awesome! I understand now that the mother was experiencing the new power of Rayne. WooHoo, what a gift? I can't wait to see what else she can do with it. Looking forward to seeing if her gift is extended to flora or if it was a by product of using magic...
I believe the phone call Harbour made to her mother read well, but it was difficult to follow with the conversation in one paragraph. Is that due to restrictions placed by writing.com or is it your writing style preference?
I haven't written more than a paragraph so I am not sure...
Overall Bravo! As I stated in the beginning I can't wait to read more, nice ending, makes the reader wanted to return for more :)
I love Science Fiction/Fantasy stories, so I was very happy to find Leaves in your Portfolio.
I did find the story a bit choppy and difficult to read, but some amazing ideas! I believe I can tell what your striving for...
A next generation team of abilities that science/government has let loose? Maybe?
I liked the dream portion of the 1st scene. The matching eyes, the seed growing in her palm, then the dream ending in the scream. I had a hard time with Greta. Even if she was "just a guardian" I couldn't see that strong a reaction to the dream.
I got back into the story when she picked up the seed from the store and actually tried to grow it in her car. My humble opinion, you could have gone from dream to that scene.
When Green arrived to the Different I thought it was just a bit strange that they just accepted her out of the blue. There didn't seem to be a leader as well. I would think a group of people with powers would want to be kept quiet. If not how Would they deal with ambitious, selfish, powerful people who would want to kidnap members to do their bidding? Or small minded people who fear anything new by launching threats? Or to the extreme those would feel it was there duty to protect family and country by slaying the different?
I really enjoyed the interaction between Green and Zach when she was trying to get the flower to die and then couldn't completely do it. Nice touch of breathing on it. I also like that there is a cost or consequence to using the powers.
Well that is it, I hope I have helped. Good Luck on future versions, Keep Writing :)
Love that Harbour, fantastic name by the way, is an artist. Nice touch about how the - artwork and drawings seemed to breathe; crawling from their once stark white canvases - Coupled with the previous sentence about Magic I was expecting it too :)
I really didn't understand the Uncle, the way the scene set up about the cat attacking him made me think he had dark intentions, maybe Harbour was there either by trickery or force... then when it was dinner and she admitted he rarely took more then a caretaker role with her... still had a itch that he was had ulterior motives... then when Harbour called her mother to explain strange happenings and she insisted that the uncle was to stay with her and do as he said... maybe I was reading the situation wrong?
I could have missed it, but I didn't read or realized I read a description for Rayne, another fabulous name. I was a bit lost when the farm description and list of animals was introduced... not sure why though, sorry.
I loved the passage
[Rayne was also fast becoming a Barrett beauty. At twelve years old she was turning into quite a young lady and her mother was very proud her. She could put a smile on the face of even the surliest of people. When she wasn't at school or the library she was on the farm tending to her menagerie of pets. She rescued every sick, injured, or starving animal she came upon. Everything from cats and dogs to raccoons and squirrels. She even had snakes, turtles, and frogs kept down near the pond. Her mother often referred to her as the local 'animal whisperer'. There was rarely an animal that Rayne couldn't handle or befriend. Some people had even started to wonder if maybe she spent too much time with her animal friends. ] I instantly felt a kinship and wanted to more about her, then to find about Rupert... Fantastic!
I have mixed feelings on passage below
[After her mother had left for town the next morning, Rayne had awoken and quickly made her way to the shed to check on the injured animal. He was lying there, right were she had left him under the heating lamp in the little chicken wire box. She reached in and lifted him to her heart giving it one last try. Willing it from the very depth of her. She could feel the power as the ground under her feet began to feel warm, rising from the earth into her very core. She could feel the warmth filling up every molecule of her being and surging into her extremities until, her fingertips began to tingle and the warmth trickled into his almost lifeless body. Suddenly, Rupert began to move. He was trying to flutter his little wings and Rayne held him out in her hands blinking at him in amazement. She had done it! She had healed him! Looking down at her feet she was suddenly aware of the grass that had never been there before.
Jessika smiled at her daughter, wrapping her arms around her and hugging her tight. She could feel the energy of Rayne's new found power dancing around her]
Love the way you had her heal the bird, describing how the powers filled up every molecule ad then transferred to the bird... great! Loved the touch about the added grass that wasn't there earlier, too.
But some reason I thought it was a flashback, then when Jessika hugged her daughter she felt the dancing power? So did she just heal Rupert or did she heal him earlier?
Well, as I said a Great Start! I'm adding you to my favorites list hoping to be able to read more...
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