Your simple descriptions and juxtaposition of images evoke a powerful response in me as a reader. The poem makes me mindful of many stories of Iraq veterans. Your poem is the kind of haiku that feels like a much larger poem than its actual length.
I like this. I hope that isn't disappointing as you want it to be bad. As a traditional haiku it probably could be considered "bad." But as a senyru it is clever and humorous and has a 'larger that it is' feel that I always like in well-done Japanese brief form poetry.
This is such a wonderful idea. It has me thinking of all my favorite books. But even more importantly, your piece gives me suggestions around good books that I might never run across on my own.
I really enjoyed this. Because I work in mental health, it was difficult not to start trying to diagnose your protagonist. At times I was amazed that he didn't think of other alternatives for why the candy was missing.
My only suggestion is that you read this aloud a few times to check for minor changes that might help the flow of this piece.
This is a wonderful story! I was mesmerized by it and couldn't stop reading it--especially the first 3/4ths of it. The first 3/4ths has a wonderful balance between descriptive characterization(you manage to keep me interested in a lot of very specific detail) and a rivotting plot.
In the last part, where you introduce the character Parlaka, I found I stumbled as a reader. It felt like you told me about her rather than have your protagonist's thoughts paint the vivid word pictures characteristic of most of this peice. I find I need specific examples of the historical conflict that Parlaka is describing. And I definitely need one of the examples to be detalis about the recent events that involve earth climaxing in a surprise re what becomes of the earth, rather than just telling me out of the blue what happens to earth....I think approx the last 1/4th of this(from where parlaka enters) could be developed into a separate part or chapter of your novel. If you develop this part of the story more PLEASE let me know so I can read it.
Thanks for sharing this, and I hope other Writing.com members find this wonderful story!
Oh my! This is really wonderful! And based on this, I look forward to seeing more of your writing...
Here are some of my favorite images from your poem--
Raindrops batter the windscreen,
shatter on impact,
'remember' says my TV screen,
an anonomous voice,
"ten-thousand" lives lost,
ten thousand miles away
I view life through a lense cap,
my life in photographs,
spapshots of fake plastic moments --this passage feels especially fresh and vivid to me as a reader!
Suggestions: In the 7th line, instead of flessless, do you mean 'fleshless?' And in the last line, I think realitys should be possessive.
This one was difficult for me---I stumbled over tears as snowflakes--tears seem to more naturally flow like rivers. Yet the image of tears as snowflakes is very intriquing---you could tell me how tears got to be snowflakes and I wouldnt feel lost as a reader---here is one thought (although I am sure there are many ways to write it--and I am not counting syllables either)
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Very nice poem. Thanks so much for sharing this.
You might consider leaning toward speaking through images painted with words, rather that abstractly telling what you are doing.
My only suggestion is that you read this aloud a few times to check for minor changes that might help the flow of this piece.
Raindrops batter the windscreen,