Oh my! This is wonderful! The images set of a kind of moment that feels like a relieved "ah" rather than the usual "aha" moment, but it really works well for me as a reader.
I really like this. For me as a reader, this flows more like the lyrics of a modern praise and worship Christian song than like a poem. I think the song like quality really makes the repetition within this work well for me as a reader.
Thanks for sharing this.
This starts out in a kind of mundane way with a lot of telling rather than ""showing", with the meandering thought of the protagonist gradually focusing on what his dilemma is....The effect is very chilling for me as a reader.
In the last sentence of the first paragraph, as a reader I stumbled over the structure of the sentence. The way it is written now, I don't think you need the comma. The sentence feels crisper to me if you keep the comma and delete the word "to"
In the last sentence of the 4 th paragraph, a comma before "hmmm" would help me as a reader.
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