I like the premise of your story and I think you have great talent which should be encouraged every chance we get. You made me dislike your protagonist and like the old guy in the bed.
I would have liked to see more physical description of the protagonist and more setting.
There are a couple of places where you made some grammatical and spelling errors. For example:
And he was happy with that. and his lettermen jacket
The: and his letterman jacket. - is a phrase or an incomplete sentence. I think you may have intended it to go with the previous sentence.
The nurses would smile whenever he came, they thought he was heroic. I think the comma might be replaced with a period and make this into two sentences. Or, in the alternative, a semi-colon.
This helpful article is organized, helpful, candid and insightful. One of the best points brought up is that while a reviewer may disagree with the opinions expressed in the piece being reviewed, the purpose of the review is to assess the writing. This is a particularly difficult point to remember when faced with a manuscript which expresses ideas contrary to one's own.
If your motive is to determine opinions only, then the inflammatory language at the beginning might be toned down to a more neutral question.
I quote: Thousands of illegal aliens pour into the U.S. every year, bloating our cities with an ever-expanding population of proven lawbreakers (by lawbreakers I mean breaking Federal laws in being here).
By inflammatory I refer to "bloating our cities" and addressing those people as "lawbreakers". Perhaps they are breaking the law, perhaps they seek political asylum. What source(s) might you cite for your assertion that "thousands" of "illegal aliens" are the cause of inner city crowding? Did you consider the populations of legal residents in those cities reproducing at expanded rates? Did it cross your mind that lower income families may move to inner cities to find employment?
I think the tone set by your opening statement lets the reader and potential poll taker in on your opinions and therefore skews the results.
Another thing, you seem to have listed two of the options twice.
I like the ending. I would like this stretched out, and maybe a little more seduction, a little less "this goes into that", as Margaret Atwood says.
I would like more of the tension, the concern he might get caught. I think that would sort of set the scene for his eventual errrrr, downfall, if you will.
AND I want to know WHY did he cheat on his beautiful wife!!!
How easy to understand FINALLY! Sheesh. Very clearly written, easily understandable instructions to do all the things I have been wanting to do. Thanks.
You have clearly illustrated the bittersweetness of the holidays for all of us (and most of us fit the bill) who have lost someone we loved.
My personal belief is that as long as you remember your precious baby girl every December 20th, she has everlasting life. Her life touched yours in a way that has allowed you to share with others in a way much different than had she never spent the solitary day you had with her.
My losses are also significant and holiday related. Frankly, I cannot wait for spring.
I see the bones of a very wonderful tale evolving here. I feel the emotion and you have done a great job of giving your characters voice through the brilliant use of dialogue.
I would agree with the previous review on nearly every point they made. I don't think it is necessary to point out the alternatives available in the woods with no plumbing and no outhouse.
I took your story to Word and started rewriting some of the sentences and thought, if only she had put this into an edit point format we could go line by line with suggestions.
You have called this a short story so I was expecting a plot and didn't find one. I did find an interesting POV and an experimental writing piece. I am pleased that you have such a creative mind as to try to capture the feelings of creatures I presume to be wolves attacking a buffalo.
I found there to be only two references to setting. There were two mentions of 'trees'. I think with more setting; perhaps Wood Buffalo National Park of Canada, more research into the behavior of buffalo or wolves; I believe the buffalo would not have been running solo yet you didn't mention any others in the area, that you might improve this piece dramatically.
One of the sentences I found awkward was: One of my brothers is off to the side of me, we fall into step together.
I think it would be improved by breaking it into two sentences, or better yet: My brother falls into step beside me.
Another example of an awkward sentence is; While I wait I look down at our meal.
Firstly, I believe the Alpha would have the others back away a distance, so he would not be looking 'down' on it. Secondly, I think that if you leave it as is, there should be a comma after 'wait'.
The ending of your 'story' seems rather anticlimactic, with the (I suppose) wolves returning to the den to care for the pups. The ending seems to have lost a lot of steam.
I would encourage you to continue writing freestyle and then in the editing and revision process add the 'meat and potatoes' of research to flesh out your manuscripts. Good effort, but as you know, until there is nothing more you can do to improve it, it isn't finished!
Good job on the teen dialogue and capturing the essence of a young clueless girl. She is quite believable.
You did a good job on keeping the POV in one place and also on the forward momentum of the story.
However, the premise of the story is that she is calling about an ad in the paper and I don't really think that pool companies (and I don't think a company called 'Wet Dreams Pool Management' would stay in business very long....) are the ones to hire lifeguards. In most cities this would be a job filled by the city HR department.
The woman's first question, in my mind would be "how old are you?" If clueless girl is not old enough to get a job the conversation would end right there.
You have the woman say:
"I mean have you ever lifeguarded before?"
This could be improved in three ways. 1. "lifeguard" is a noun, not a verb. 2. There should be a comma after 'mean' and 3. A woman working in a professional office would say something like: "have you worked as a lifeguard anywhere else?" or "Where have you been employed as a lifeguard?"
I do believe there would have to be some certification to qualify one for this position, such as passing a CPR test along with life saving training.
I also find it hard to believe that the woman answering the telephone would quit HER job over a couple of goofy conversations with clueless girl.
There are some grammatical errors in this piece which, upon revision might improve it. For example,
Thinking quickly I say
"Well if you start this summer you will have two full summers instead of one to do all you want to do before you are out of school."
There should be no break between the first part and the quote. There should be a comma between the two parts. There is another place missing a period.
Bravo! I was so blown away I went looking for it in your book and ended up reading the High Five article about short stories. Absolutely mesmerizing writing in both. I will be back to read the rest of your portfolio.
What a wonderful story! Your descriptions are right on target. The only thing I wonder about is your uncle. I got that you were female from some of the cues you used, such as referring to your 'bottom' as your bottom. Guys don't talk like that so you did a very effective job of revealing gender without an expository dump.
I did wonder what your uncle looks like, what his name is, his age, that sort of thing. I think that names reveal much about setting and background. For example, if you called him "Uncle Bobby Joe" I would have the feeling that you were not on a lake in New York state.
Similarly, if you put some dialogue in, you could have Uncle Bobbie Joe reveal YOUR name and we would all know that it was Tiffany who nearly caught a fish. (Why didn't Uncle BJ bring a net in the boat?????)
Just fabulous. You have dealt with a sensitive subject in a sensitive compassionate fashion. The ONLY thing I would change is that you used the incorrect form of "bear" as in "bear in mind".
This is a very good effort indeed. Welcome to the writing community and keep writing.
Please go back through this piece with spell checker. I realize that you are emotionally vested in it and wrote with passion about a very important event. But it is important for the reader to have the benefit of spelling accuracy to not slow them down in reading. If I go to the trouble to write something, I want it to be read. If my guess is correct, you do too. And your work should be read, your job is to make it as easy to read as possible. One easy fix is to write in a word processing program where you can see misspellings and grammatical errors easily.
Your sensitivities to the plight of women make reading your material an experience in and of itself. It is so refreshing to see that there are men who are free thinkers able to form their own opinions of how things should be rather than trotting faithfully along some primrose path of how things are.
Sidenote: "were always sitting on him as if her were a chair" (typo - her should be he)
I have to say that this is not my typical choice of reading material but you handled it well..... enough that I became rather nauseous reading parts of it. Which, I surmise is an indication that you managed to convince me. I suppose there are some who would share this particular fantasy.... I don't want to say any more and give away the store.
Thank you for writing. I think you have a lot of drive and may turn this piece into something very interesting. You appear to be very talented.
However, you write: Vivid dreams are hard to recall at moments notice.
And I wonder what you are trying to say.... and why it matters.
Followed by: This particular dream stuck with me for awhile as I ran it through my head until this moment.
What? It stuck with you until you ran it through your head? Then did it suddenly explode?
It (The dream began?) started at the foot of a dark building. I was standing on the sidewalk only lit by one streetlight. (How about, "I was standing in the light cast by the sole streetlight".
The building itself was lined with many glass windows.
(How can you see what is in the building to know what it is "lined" with?)
Lines of windows spread across the front of the building.
A revolving door lay creaking in the center.????
The revolving door creaked.
I would be interested to see your revision ideas. Keep writing!
I think you might have used smelt when you meant 'smelled'. Of course that might be an American thing, here a smelt is a small fish.
The scenes were confusing. For example: "Doorknob turning. Someone was coming for her. Her heart was pounding trying to escape her chest. Slowly the door opened. Without waiting to see who was there Kathy rushed through, knocking her attacker to the ground."
I thought she might have escaped. But then:
"The room spun around Kathy to the beat of the music, the loud bass thumping at her head. There were so many people around her. Staring at her. Pointing at her. Talking about her. Kathy staggered across the room, collapsing on a vacant chair. Head in lap she just sat."
I don't get what happened here. Did this guy slip her a date rape drug?
Thanks for your efforts and please continue writing.
I would like to say I enjoyed reading. However, there is something I cannot put my finger upon here that I don't 'believe". The descriptions strike me as too pat, too predictable. I cannot fathom how a twin would say something so out in left field as "I can't be the only Spencer girl".
I think perhaps it moved too fast from chemo to the girls standing by a vacant locker. For a monumental event as a death in the family, I believe more, much more than less than a thousand words will suffice.
PLEASE write more! To have such a richness of culture and customs at your disposal and not share them would be a terrible loss.
Regarding this piece, I have a question: would a child know about the potential cancer risk? Another thing I think might be a good idea would be to explain what Diwali is.
Fabulous. Just fabulous. Now, try to follow the advice of those who suggest to "forget" the bad reviews (we all get them) and the vitriolic ramblings of the ones who feel that the only way to remedy their own bruised ego is to attack your work. Keep writing and risk showing it to us. *I* learn almost as much by reviewing as I do writing.
Hi, splendid approach on ch.1. One of the things that I do is look for overusage of certain words. I found you used 'only' 8 times. You might want to see if you have another option for some of them.
I found you used 'that' (one of MY biggest sins) 16 times. I went back through and eliminated all but 2 of them. Some I substituted 'which'. It flies more smoothly through the reader's head.
The next check I do is for cliches.
Also, I think it unnecessary to state Dr. Sanizer is 65 twice.
This is the beginning of a great article. I think it would be improved if you wrote the whole story of your trip first and then offered advice after. I think that it might be clearer if you point out that while most of your experiences can be downsized for the average pet owner with only one or two that the needs remain the same. You wrote: First of all - and then after that paragraph go into the details of the federal vet certificates. I think the paragraph should go at the beginning, when you are relating your flight with the 13 dogs.
IOW - put your whole experience together and then tell us how to avoid the pitfalls.
I love the feeling that you captured with your characters and your scenery. I too had that vague feeling of unease and I too lost my husband soon after. I think you have shown how two people who share that kind of bond are tuned into each other even when they don't know it.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/susanofpudlin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 6:11pm on Apr 30, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
