what beautiful (if not a little horrific) you paint this poem! I love how you make the journey feel so tough to the reader!
It is very much a poetic-short story (if there is any such genre!)
I love how you bring the samaritans faith in towards the end and how you make it sound that god physically helped them out! this last bit of this poem is my favourite!
I put the stretcher down and prayed
Father please help me carry this weight
I stood again and the weight was less
He answered my prayer and helped
Faith, courage, determination and love
Brought her to see another tomorrow
In very few lines you help to create a scene and a persons strength of character and faith!
I wasn''t sure how the title was going to cue in but it ties in really nicely!
I did however think the beginning was a little choppy (not masively, just a little hampering!)
Unable to speak or open her eyes
All I had was the clothes on my back
I had to get her to someone to help
I fashioned a stretcher from tree limbs
Her clothes and my coat to secure her
I began dragging the stretcher behind me
It's how these lines start that give me some difficulty with flow. especially because three lines start with I. I did think that maybe aswell, it might be because each line is not relating to the next line or the one before it (I dont know whether I'm explaining myself too well!)
Never-the-less this piece of work has wonderful imagery and energy that keeps the reader engaged!
You recently reviewed a piece of my work so I thought I would return the gesture!
This was an amazingly sad story and very well written and thoght out. It left me a little confused as to whether your life prtner was actually there and had died on the journey home from a known illness or you had, sadly, gone on a daytrip with the intention of pretending they were still ith you.
Thats not to say i think you should make it clearer about what was happening. I like the "Go away and think about it" feel was a touching essence to the piece
Here are MY issue's:
We spent the day together today.
This small sentence sounds a little awkward because there are two days in it. Maybe you could put: we spent the whole day together.
or we spent today, together. but I feel this is also somewhat awkward because of the two to's.
the tires first singing on the asphalt, then crunching on the dirt and rocks of the back roads.
The start of this sentence needs a capital letter. after that sentence i believe that's where you should start a new paragraph just to help the reader.
Way back to the old run down barns that i love so much.
After this sentence I believe you should put in a semi-colon to ajoin it with the next senence s it doesnt sound so choppy also here i should be capital.
after the sentence ending the love of my life I feel there should be a clearer paragraph I normally put in a clear line or two space between paragraphs to help the reader see where they are and hopefully get them to finish reading!
I really enjoyed this and hope to return to read more. and also if you manage to iron out the errors and let me know I would be happy to come and higher the rating to the 5 it deserves.
Sorry this has taken me too long to get here after your kind review of a piece of my work.
I absolutely enjoyed this piece. It has a lovely rythm and great flow! it tells a very sad tale of courage and daring. I could see the images planted in my head clearly.
I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to get to your port after you kindly reviewed a piece of my work. I do make it back to everyone who reviews me...which is the good news :O)
Anyway your piece now!
I felt the start of the poem was lacking something on the second line I had to keep re-reading it to try and work out what you were "On" alone.
Following that on your fourth line "I felt" that there needed to be an extra word or alengthening of a syllable because the word unhappy sits awkwardly
???
Sharing and caring seems to come so naturally,
ie. so why is this making me feel so unhappy
The rest of this work has excellent flow and doesn't seem to be effected by the metering being a little off...so therefor I will not meddle over that.
My favourite part is the last two lines.
One other thing that I thought I should bring to your attention but am not entirely sure whether it is just because i am English and you maybe American? but the word screne is spelt screen (here anyhow) I looked in my dictionary and screne was not there.
I loved reading your work and will definately return once i have caught up with the rest of the lovely people who have taken the time to review my work.
Your friend
Claire
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