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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Changeling  
Review by tarabell
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a truly wonderful story! I liked everything about it and read it anxiously from beginning to end. The characters were well-developed and believable. The story began and ended in just the right way and at just the right time. You chose an interesting topic and presented it in a creative way.

I always like to offer writers at least some constructive feedback, but in this case I really believe the story is excellent as is. The only thing I noticed was a missing apostrophe in this phrase: Tina took their daughters hand. I wish I had more suggestions on areas to improve.

Keep up the good work!
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Review of Broom Service  
Review by tarabell
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this story. Your beginning hooked me and I was interested all the way until the end. Even though I knew there was something wrong with the boy throughout the story (you gave clues throughout - His inability to comprehend the world around him), I was still surprised by the ending. Clearly, the boy does not fully understand his actions. He doesn't truly understand what he has done to Mrs. Cobb or the county workers. This adds an interesting depth to the story. I was drawn into the mind of the boy. I liked the character you made and the voice you gave him

Your story was well-written with no grammatical or spelling errors that I could see. I don't have much advice of things you can improve, except that I believe this story can be expanded. I would like to know what happened to Mrs. Cobb. What motivated the boy to lock her in the closet? What about the mother? Did the boy kill her as well, or did the father have something to do with it? I think you can add a lot of depth to your story if you attempt to answer some of these questions.

Great read!
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Review of Death of a hero  
Review by tarabell
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked this story. It was very powerful. I enjoyed your characterization of Bobby. He was very real to me. I liked the plotting. It was an interesting story and it never felt dull.

I found the beginning and the ending to be especially powerful. I liked Bobby's philosophical musings in the beginning of the story. And then ending, well, it speaks for itself. Just awesome! It ended at the perfect time and in the perfect way.

You are indeed very talented

Now some things for you to consider:

I felt that the biggest weakness of the story was the tense changes. You switched from past to present and back again throughout. I was not sure what the point of this was, or if there was a point at all. I found the tense changes very distracting.

Also, at first I misread the following sentences.

"Chub sent me a text saying the guys were heading out to River Road that evening and it's my turn to get the booze. Not a problem. The college dude across the street was twenty-one. I give him the money and he buys the beer, less his cut of one six-pack.

I thought the narrator was saying that he did give the money to the dude across the street, who went out and bought the beer. When I got to the next paragraph, I had to re-read this part several times. I think you could instead say "Usually, not a problem...." Also there is a tense change in the first sentence of this paragraph, from past to present. I think this led to my confusion because I thought the running narration was switching to the present tense. You might want to consider saying "it WAS my turn to get the booze"

Also, Camero should be spelled "Camaro".

I think a word is missing after 'heavy' in this sentence: The heavy swung the gun around to take a shot at his fleeing ex-accomplice when his eyes fell on Leon.

Other than that, great story! I really enjoyed reading it.
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