Hello, I saw your entry below my own on the Shameless Plug page, so I thought I'd stop by!
I find your use of "the bright heavenly angel" rather than "a bright heavenly angel" interesting! It's as though you have a specific angel in mind, or that there is no other possible angel than that of the intended inspiration.
I suggest closing up the space in "when ever," as "whenever" is typically the correct spelling.
This piece has a lyrical, song-like quality. I imagine if you ever gave it to someone special, they would be very flattered.
In the interest of helping us all improve our craft, I offer the following. You have done a lovely job of telling us about the beauty, but are there other ways you can show it, other comparisons, similes, or metaphors you can use? "brighter than the sun" is a good start, and "the world lights up," works too, but it would be nice to see how the inspiration's beauty has no equal--possibly by naming beautiful things and then calling them an insignificant comparison? Or mentioning something that is naturally unique and perfect on its own? I always like to think of the famous closing line of "Ars Poetica" by Archibald MacLeish:
A poem should not mean
But be.
And by that, I mean give static examples rather than adjectives. You have told us so much in this piece, but what can you show?
Thank you very kindly for sharing this, and I hope to have the chance to read more of your work soon!
I like the idea of this poem, but there are just too many grammatical errors for this piece to win any placement in the "Invalid Item" . For example:
Ingtrigue just by the sound of your breath.
Should be spelled "intrigue." And do you mean "intrigued"?
I'm patience if you will listen to me.
Do you mean "patient"? Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.
If a smile show on my face without warning.
Do you mean "shows"? Also, a period seems incorrect. I know there's this idea that you can disregard punctuation in poetry, but that's not true. You need to use punctuation to help your point. Here, it hinders.
And phone line distance between you and me.
Again, I get the general idea, but it needs to be worded differently--do you mean "and A phone line'S distance between you and me"?
I saw your piece in this week's Short Stories Newsletter.
Overall:
I thought this was cynical, but very funny. I really enjoyed your attention to detail, especially details you made seem realistic--it's just a great effort.
Copyediting:
I'm training to be a copyeditor, so while these corrections may seem small, they do align with common style standards.
The last sentence of your first paragraph: F.B.I. F. B. I. Reoccurring instances--the piece has other places where this error occurs.
academy Academy
The last sentence of your second paragraph: hault halt
The second sentence of your fifth paragraph: high ranking high-ranking
The last sentence of your fifth paragraph: chimmneys chimneys
The second sentence of your sixth paragraph: ...had become a place infested with... ...had become infested with...
The last sentence of your seventh paragraph: deceivingly worded deceivingly-worded
...out of work, and many turned... ...out of work--many turned...
The fourth sentence of your eighth paragraph: U.S. U. S. Reoccurring instances--the piece has other places where this error occurs.
Shopping shopping
The last sentence of your eighth paragraph: McDonalds McDonald's
Dunkin Donuts Dunkin' Donuts
The second sentence of your last paragraph: sweatshop operating sweatshop-operating
Final Thoughts:
I really enjoyed this piece, and my corrections are more surface errors and technicalities than anything else. Thanks for sharing!
For further information on how I review: "Invalid Item" .
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Invalid Item"
I think that you have a great idea here, but you need to perhaps reorganize and refocus. A lot of the piece is through your eyes, but by doing this, you remove the experience from the reader. By starting with your fourth line to the eighth line, that is the pulp of your piece, where, with further description, you're going to give the experience of a "dark chaos" to your reader. You should give definition to the scene before bringing it back to the speaker's internal point of view. Hope that helps!
Nice job! I really like the parallels drawn in each stanza as each situation changes.
You might consider putting the line, "How can she be this way!", in quotations, since it's the only line literally spoken in the poem. You also might want to consider using a question mark in place of or along with the exclaimation point since the line is in the form of a question. You could get away with saying it is part of the style of the poem, though, if you wish to leave it the same.
I love the phrase "turned turncoat". Very poetical.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 9:24pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
The last sentence of your first paragraph:
F.B.I.
F. B. I.
Reoccurring instances--the piece has other places where this error occurs. 
"